u/Lazy_Bicycle7702

Asking why alcoholics behave the way they do( fill in the blank with behaviors) is like asking

Why is the ocean salty?
Why is grass green?
Why is dirt dirty?
Why is water wet?

Because it’s what makes an alcoholic an alcoholic. It’s what goes with the territory. It’s part of the disease. It’s ALCOHOLISM AT WORK.

Why can they act like narcissistists? See above. Why can they be mean? See above. Why do they drink and not put you first? See above. How can they fall asleep with their baby in their arms? See above. How can they watch their life go up in flames? Why is their brain so messed up? Why do they make such awful decisions?
‼️‼️Stop asking why the circus is filled with clowns 🤡 and ask yourself why you keep showing up to watch!!!‼️

So I am the adult child of an alcoholic and have an alcoholic sibling and I don’t drink for several reasons- latest being I take Methotrexate for Rheumatoid Arthritis. Last night I was invited to an open house at a couple’s house I didn’t know at my 55+ community. The hostess offered me a drink from the 30 bottles of alcohol and mixers. I asked if I could had water. Her eyebrows shot up and she said “ WATER?” in a voice as though I had asked for green slime to drink. ( I’m not exaggerating). It was as if I had insulted her hospitality. There is a happy hour here every Friday and at Halloween the amount of alcohol bought for the Hallow- crawl is stunning. I’m not much of a big social person anyway but I had forgotten how much of social functions revolve around alcohol. Water bottles weren’t even out with the beer and other juices and stuff. I just found it SO BIZARRE. I guess it makes me realize why alcoholism is so prevalent because it’s more normal at social functions to drink than it is not to. I wish now I had said something bold like “ yea, just water, alcoholism runs in my family and I take meds that don’t mix well with alcohol- it’s not that weird!” But I didn’t want to insult my hostess 5 minutes after walking in her door. 😂😂😂

Couples therapy comes AFTER SOBRIETY, folks. Going to couples therapy with an active alcoholic is like trying to sweep the beach. The tide will just come in and undo it. It’s pointless. I see people recommending it all the time on this sub and it makes me crazy. You are literally recommending people with an impaired brain go to therapy. It does not work like that. You have to get the brain sober and working right FIRST!!! The healed brain is much better able to orient itself to the goals of couples therapy as opposed to literally making therapy about them and their addiction.

“A young man was hurling verbal abuse upon Buddha. The Buddha said to the young man, ‘Son, if someone declined to accept a gift, to whom would it belong?’ The young man said it would continue to belong to the giver. The person who had offered it. ‘Yes,’ said Buddha, ‘and I decline to accept your abuse.’

The point of this story is that we all have autonomy. We all have choice. Even if it is limited. Even if it is to say within ourselves that we do not have to pick up what someone else lays down at our feet, whether it is verbal abuse or their own poor choices for living. 💕🌸💕

When I tell you my dad’s age, don’t make the usual presumptions. He is 96 but is doing so well. He is 100% cogent, ambulatory, takes care of himself and my sister and I visit him daily. He has never been a man to sweat or smell bad. But now he is having nighttime issues with urine and for the first time EVER, he smelled of urine in his daytime clothes yesterday. He isn’t fond of showering and I don’t know how to bring this up without making him feel humiliated. We tried nighttime disposable “ depends” but he didn’t like them. He couldn’t sleep well with them. Because I am a woman, this makes it a little more awkward but he and I are very close so I feel like I can be frank with him but I don’t want to say “ Daddy, you smell like urine.” That’s just awful. 😭😭😭 Please help and give me some kind ways to approach this. He is the most wonderful, generous, gentle, loving man- he was a pharmacist for 60 years and cared for my mother while she died from Parkinson’s disease and we had caretakers come in 24/7 to help. That will be the plan when he cannot care for himself either. But we ARE NOT THERE YET. I know I’m in the minority here - I adore my dad and he is truly a treasure. Please advise accordingly. Thank you. 🌸💕🌸

Hey folks. I started MTX and my nausea and lack of appetite got BETTER, my fatigue got BETTER, and my hair has not fallen out and my hands and feet don’t hurt. Please please try to not go down all the rabbit holes of side effects and be open to the possibility that you might feel so much better on the meds. I honestly didn’t know how much longer I could survive before the prednisone and the MTX. I lost weight BEFORE my diagnosis and had horrible brain fog. My point is, please trust your doctor, because I see so many people saying “ I don’t want to start MTX because of all I’ve read.” Well, do you want your joints to be further destroyed? Don’t be afraid of side effect you might not even have. Eat a full meal with your meds and drink lots of water and remember that the benefit/risk ratio matters. 💕💕🌸

This should be a rule when everyone buys a mattress. I just don’t understand why everyone doesn’t buy one. They aren’t prohibitively expensive compared to the cost of the mattress. Why do people not know this???? I got one from Nectar with my mattress and it is NOT HOT OR UNBEARABLE. Some of you are living in the 60’s. They have greatly improved.

I’m just venting. I don’t need advice. I just need to bitch about human nature. People really need to learn how to be empathetic when we have a flare. So my voice sounds fine over the phone? That has nothing to do with my joints or the fact that letting my chihuahua out to pee leaves me exhausted. Thanks for understanding. 😡😡😡 I’ve lived with chronic fatigue for 30 years and now RA and sometimes I just want to punch people for how STUPID they are.

“ We are only as blind as we want to be.” Now, before everyone starts screaming and yelling about how unfair and untrue this is, just sit with it for a second and think about it. How many actions have we ignored or attributed to other reasons when DEEP DOWN we heard a voice telling us “ something is not right here!” How many times have we looked the other way or given someone the 1000th chance because _________________? Fill in the blanks with so many reasons. Now, is that the Q’s fault? Sure, they are the one with the problem drinking. But what is OUR RESPONSIBILITY? 🚩🚩Our healing is not going to come from the same place where we got wounded. 🚩🚩🚩Them getting sober isn’t the 100% answer to OUR ISSUES, necessarily. 🌸💕🌸

Read that as many times as you need to. You are not a victim of their bad choices. You may be limited in what you can change, but you can change SOMETHING. 💕🌸💕

Dr. Phil once asked a bunch of addicts and alcoholics “ If you had one wish, isn’t it that people would just leave you alone with your alcohol or drug or choice and just let you do what you want?” They all overwhelmingly answered yes. Like their DREAM if it could be accomplished would be to be dropped off on some remote island alone with a never ending supply of just them and their substance. It might be interesting to ask your Q this question. “ Would you just like to be left alone with your alcohol?” Their answer might shock you. It might clarify for some of you how deep their addiction goes and answer the never ending ? we see on here “ is he really an alcoholic?” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

It’s like this universal trigger - WHY???!!!! They are stable and they get engaged and boom, start drinking. They are stable and get married- start drinking. Someone explain to me why things that would excite or make most people feel MORE STABLE send alcoholics off the deep end????? Does anyone have any ideas about this? Even someone moving in with them can do it. It’s 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

Between you and alcohol, if the alcohol has more power than you in the marriage or the relationship, it’s a huge wake up call. If alcohol gets more time, attention, and dedication, it’s time to re evaluate why you are sacrificing yourself for this person who has put you in second place.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/s/mY7fu8siH4

🐴When my daughter was young, she had a miniature pony. She adored this pony and she would do anything to keep it safe. 💕When she got older and we would try to warn her about decisions we saw her making that weren’t in her best interest🚩 we gave her an analogy. her pony ‘s name was Cavalino. We told her if you saw Cavalino headed for a deep dangerous hole. What would you do? 🕳️🕳️She said that she would grab his halter and she would drag him away from the hole. And we asked her, but what if he just wouldn’t go with you what if he insisted on going his own way? She said she would come to us and ask us to help drag him away from the hole. We asked her if Cavalino kept heading for the hole and we weren’t able to help, would you go in the hole with him, and she said I would NEVER let myself go in the hole with him.❌🙅‍♀️

You may be asking what does this have to do with Al-Anon? Many of the stories that you read on here are of people who have already fallen in the hole with their pony. Some of the people on here have fallen in the hole with their pony several times. And we see other new people get on here saying I don’t know what to do my pony is headed for a hole. What can I do? Please please listen to the people who have already fallen in the hole with their pony multiple times and understand that your pony is no different than their pony. Alcoholism is not unique to your pony.. Yes, your pony is special to YOU and your pony is YOUR pony and your pony is the pony you’re in love with, but as far as the holes are concerned, all alcoholic ponies are the same. Please don’t be offended when some of us seem very, very passionate about trying to get you to do anything to keep you from falling in the hole with your pony. We know we can try to help one of you, and the pony isn’t the one asking for help. 😭🐴

‼️‼️Most people may not know this but when you or anyone is asked on a healthcare questionnaire how much alcohol you consume in a month or year is whatever and you answer, do you know what healthcare professionals do with that number? They multiply by 2-4. Why? Because they assume that most people are not truthful about their amount of consumption. This is especially true of alcoholics. Why am I posting this? Because when you encounter someone who tells you that they only drink 1-2 drinks on the weekend nights but you have this WEIRD FEELING that they drink more than that, YOU ARE RIGHT. The only people who actually tell the truth about their consumption are folks who actually drink very little. 😂😂😂 ( and I make a note to healthcare workers that my number is accurate and they need not multiply by 4). If you aren’t sure if someone is telling you the truth, challenge them, and just say “ is that really how much you drink or is that your socially acceptable answer?” I’ve done this before and WOW, that number changes in a hurry. Don’t be afraid to ask for the REAL ANSWER, because you might find the 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 much sooner.

If you think they have an alcohol problem - they do. If you say they aren’t drinking too much- they are hiding it from you. Trust us.

If you have wondered if you should have already left- you should.

If you think YOU are crazy- you aren’t BUT but you will be if you continue doing what you are doing.

Can you love them enough for them to quit?- No. No. No. If love could save alcoholics, none of us would be here.

Can they get better?- Only if they choose to get better for themselves and they WALK THE WALK CONSISTENTLY.

Will ultimatums work? NO.

WHAT DOES WORK? Boundaries for yourself and self care for you and your kids if you have any.

Are they acting weird and selfish and narcissistic? YES YES YES

Is their brain impaired and are they losing their memory? Absolutely yes they are, scientifically losing brain size and functionality.

What else can you do? Attend Al Anon meetings, stop lying for them, read all the books you can on codependency and boundaries and start focusing on your own health and well being. Their recovery is THEIR RECOVERY.