u/Lazy_Bicycle7702

I wanted to title this Food as Medicine but I knew it would be taken the wrong way, so I changed it. I have had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for 36 years and was Dx with RA in April. I’ve had to relearn several lessons over and over. ( human nature being what it is and fatigue keeping me from being able to prepare meals). ‼️It may not be true for everyone‼️ and it may vary by person, but when I eat a low inflammation/ Mediterranean diet, high in whole foods and low in carbs and white foods, my pain levels and swelling are greatly reduced. My fatigue is also greatly reduced. ‼️This is in addition to the medications I am on, not instead of them. ‼️I literally asked Chat GPT for a five day menu and grocery list and just followed it blindly and within 48 hours, the horrible swelling and “ whomping” ( if you know, you know) feeling in my hands and feet and knees and ankles calmed down greatly. This is while my prednisone taper was going down too which is usually a time when things get much worse for me pain wise. My point is - if you haven’t tried this- please do. If you are too tired, HungryRoot is a great service that can deliver some of these foods to your door and they also have some premade frozen meals. It wasn’t more expensive than my normal grocery shopping either. You don’t have to buy a cookbook or make it super complicated. Start slow and just eliminate inflammatory foods- Google which foods are- and try to eat as much color and protein as you can. Good luck and I hope this helps you. 💕🌸💕

So your loved one has cancer, you read about it. Your loved one has diabetes, you learn the basics. Your fiancé has MS, depression, or rheumatoid arthritis, you find out what you can about what it does to the brain and the body. But when someone has alcoholism, people know nothing. Nothing. They are shocked to learn about dementia, Korsakoff syndrome, brain shrinkage, liver damage, ascites, personality changes, etc. The information is out there!!!! They are wondering why their loved one is acting weird and psychotic but never look it up??? What’s with that????!!!! Is this part of the denial? What is the disconnect??? Edited to add- I come from a family of pharmacists and doctors and nurses and am the adult child of an alcoholic and every single family member who has autism, Parkinson’s disease, heart disease, Rheumatoid arthritis, Cystic Fibrosis, all of us consider it our honor and responsibility to know as much about it as we can to support that person so maybe my family is an outlier- not better, just different. And yes, alcoholics must choose to get help. Choice is part of this equation. I’m not denying that part AT ALL. I’m not looking to judge- I’m looking for dialogue on why addiction is different. 💕🌸💕

So your loved one has cancer, you read about it. Your loved one has diabetes, you learn the basics. Your fiancé has MS, depression, or rheumatoid arthritis, you find out what you can about what it does to the brain and the body. But when someone has alcoholism, people know nothing. Nothing. They are shocked to learn about dementia, Korsakoff syndrome, brain shrinkage, liver damage, ascites, personality changes, etc. The information is out there!!!! They are wondering why their loved one is acting weird and psychotic but never look it up??? What’s with that????!!!! Is this part of the denial? What is the disconnect??? Edited to add- I come from a family of pharmacists and doctors and nurses and am the adult child of an alcoholic and every single family member who has autism, Parkinson’s disease, heart disease, Rheumatoid arthritis, Cystic Fibrosis, all of us consider it our honor and responsibility to know as much about it as we can to support that person so maybe my family is an outlier- not better, just different. And yes, alcoholics must choose to get help. Choice is part of this equation. I’m not denying that part AT ALL. I’m not looking to judge- I’m looking for dialogue on why addiction is different. 💕🌸💕

So your loved one has cancer, you read about it. Your loved one has diabetes, you learn the basics. Your fiancé has MS, depression, or rheumatoid arthritis, you find out what you can about what it does to the brain and the body. But when someone has alcoholism, people know nothing. Nothing. They are shocked to learn about dementia, Korsakoff syndrome, brain shrinkage, liver damage, ascites, personality changes, etc. The information is out there!!!! They are wondering why their loved one is acting weird and psychotic but never look it up??? What’s with that????!!!! Is this part of the denial? What is the disconnect??? Edited to add- I come from a family of pharmacists and doctors and nurses and am the adult child of an alcoholic and every single family member who has autism, Parkinson’s disease, heart disease, Rheumatoid arthritis, Cystic Fibrosis, all of us consider it our honor and responsibility to know as much about it as we can to support that person so maybe my family is an outlier- not better, just different. And yes, alcoholics must choose to get help. Choice is part of this equation. I’m not denying that part AT ALL. I’m not looking to judge- I’m looking for dialogue on why addiction is different. 💕🌸💕

So you are in the hole with the alcoholic. You have two choices. You can grab the shovel and scoop dirt back into your end of the hole and climb out ( make boundaries, go to Al Anon meetings, see a therapist, get out of the environment) or you can stay with them while they dig the entire hole deeper. It is YOUR CHOICE, and you will be able to reach the dirt on top up to a certain point. But if you wait too long and let them dig you both too deep into that hole, getting out may be epically harder. You are not a victim of their choices. There is always something you can do to make YOUR situation better. 🌸💕🌸

So you are in the hole with the alcoholic. You have two choices. You can grab the shovel and scoop dirt back into your end of the hole and climb out ( make boundaries, go to Al Anon meetings, see a therapist, get out of the environment) or you can stay with them while they dig the entire hole deeper. It is YOUR CHOICE, and you will be able to reach the dirt on top up to a certain point. But if you wait too long and let them dig you both too deep into that hole, getting out may be epically harder. You are not a victim of their choices. There is always something you can do to make YOUR situation better. 🌸💕🌸

So you are in the hole with the alcoholic. You have two choices. You can grab the shovel and scoop dirt back into your end of the hole and climb out ( make boundaries, go to Al Anon meetings, see a therapist, get out of the environment) or you can stay with them while they dig the entire hole deeper. It is YOUR CHOICE, and you will be able to reach the dirt on top up to a certain point. But if you wait too long and let them dig you both too deep into that hole, getting out may be epically harder. You are not a victim of their choices. There is always something you can do to make YOUR situation better. 🌸💕🌸

I dated someone for six months and these are notes I took TWO MONTHS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP!!! I kept these on my phone in the notes section and even with these notes, it took me four more months to break it off. What followed was 2.5 YEARS of him sending me emails after he was blocked everywhere else. My point is this- YOU MAY SEE THE 🚩🚩🚩🚩, so keep notes on them and keep them and go back and read them and LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, because it’s almost always right. This guy ended up being deeply mentally unwell and I had to send a cease and desist letter and I made firm boundaries about the alcohol within 3 weeks of us meeting. These notes were from 3 years ago and I just found them on my phone and I thought, “ this is proof that I did see the red flags and I even wrote it down, I wasn’t imagining this stuff but I had no idea he was actually mentally unwell and unstable in addition to being an alcoholic. “. KEEP A LIST. PLEASE.

Drinking!!!
Lack of ambition
Debt
Layer upon layer of personal issues of which I still don’t know full extent
Appearance - doesn’t seem to take any pride in it
Dependence upon me for happiness and being so in love with me so fast, future, wanting to meet my family and friends, wanting me to meet his family and friends so quickly - alarming
Sex- on one hand is great but on other hand totally not sustainable.
Lack of ability to even do simplest things like go on short walks or go to Trader Joe’s.
Breaking point showing up at my house when I was sick reeking of beer. ‼️‼️
Bizarre interchanges late at night saying things he didn’t remember later - posting stuff on FB he didn’t remember posting. Argumentative and denying things he clearly said or did. - I suspect this is due to alcohol use.
First recording I sent him was August 28. Our first date was August 12. I mentioned that the recording was for sober S only. So it was less than 3 weeks from the time we met that I had talked to him about his drinking. He insists I didn’t talk to him about it that early. I DID.
I feel crazy but I know what I said because I’m sober all the time but he isn’t.

Once you let the genie of truth out of the bottle, you can’t stuff it back in. This is why so many people keep the rose colored glasses on for so long. If you pretend don’t see the 🚩🚩🚩, you can pretend things aren’t a total 💩 show. But once you let the truth genie out, you can’t go back and say “ No everything is really ok!” Once you tell your friends and family, you know it’s real. It’s like walking through the aftermath of a hurricane or a tornado and saying “ it’s fine, it’s all fine. “ You just CANNOT DO THAT ANYMORE when there are trees lying across roads and houses are in pieces on the ground. But the best thing you can do is to let the genie out of the bottle and face the truth - the sooner the better. You can’t “rebuild your house” until you admit that it’s a pile of rubble.

Once you let the genie of truth out of the bottle, you can’t stuff it back in. This is why so many people keep the rose colored glasses on for so long. If you pretend don’t see the 🚩🚩🚩, you can pretend things aren’t a total 💩 show. But once you let the truth genie out, you can’t go back and say “ No everything is really ok!” Once you tell your friends and family, you know it’s real. It’s like walking through the aftermath of a hurricane or a tornado and saying “ it’s fine, it’s all fine. “ You just CANNOT DO THAT ANYMORE when there are trees lying across roads and houses are in pieces on the ground. But the best thing you can do is to let the genie out of the bottle and face the truth - the sooner the better. You can’t “rebuild your house” until you admit that it’s a pile of rubble.

I’ve been thinking an awful lot lately about the concept of loyalty and how the concept of loyalty gets conflated with the idea of sobriety, healthy boundaries, good mental health for us as partners of alcoholics or siblings of alcoholics, etc. What does loyalty mean? Should loyalty even come into play when you’re dealing with an alcoholic spouse or sibling or family member? Does the idea of loyalty get interwoven with the idea of codependency? This is a lot deeper topic than what I normally discuss but it’s been on my mind a lot lately.

I’m 60 and love using actual cookbooks ( I have Paprika too and know how to import recipes so it’s not a lack of tech ability) - are there any that you really love? I find that not many folks use them now and so I may be asking for a unicorn. 😂😂

If people drink enough beer, it’s still getting them drunk. It’s ALL POISON TO THE BODY. IT ALL HARMS THE LIVER AND THE BRAIN, beer just takes longer to do it. I see it all the time “ he switched to beer from HARD LIQUOR!” So what??? There are just as many people dying from liver disease who got there from a lifetime of beer drinking. It’s all denial. Good luck in trying to stop the enabling behavior. Edited to take out all the language that makes people fight over semantics. “We didn’t cause it, we can’t control it and we can’t cure it.” Have a good weekend dodging bad weather. 🌸

I just thought of something and it hit me between the eyes. They all end up alone or very socially isolated unless they try to get better!!!!🤯🤯🤯🤯 Every single person I know plus so many stories on here are about alcoholics who have no one. So they are either social drunk butterflies or socially isolating alcoholics??? Which one do you see more often or does it change over time???

🌸I don’t come for advice often, so I would appreciate some support, please. My sibling has been an alcoholic for 40/68 years and things came to a really huge, ugly, dramatic head recently. I’ve decided to remove myself from their life for my own peace and well being. For those of you who found this to be necessary, did you announce your decision or just do it? We had minimal contact before except for the care of a parent which was never consistent. I’m not sad or regretful or any of that, I just don’t know what the proper protocol is when you divorce a family member. No effort has ever been made on this person’s part to ever get well. None. The family has done all the things. There has been DUI, jail, hospital for psychosis, on and on and on. This isn’t me quitting too soon. Thanks for any advice. 💕🌸💕 Love, Lazy Bicycle.

Q is sibling with 40 years of alcoholism. DUI, jail, hospitalization for psychosis twice, years of ruined family events etc. Refusal to enter treatment of any kind including AA. Now it comes down to them making a horrible accusation against an elderly respected family member that everyone knows to be untrue and so hurtful. It’s a bridge too far for me, and I’ve been yelled at and called horrible names today and I just decided after having little to no relationship with them that today that branch of the family tree has been cut, permanently. I told them calmly that I was not going to listen to any more and that I was hanging up. I then blocked this person. The remaining healthy part of the tree must not be poisoned by the sick part.

That is what Al Anon and detachment can help with. I didn’t cry, my heart didn’t race, I didn’t feel guilt, I just felt like I was finally tired of having sickness and drama dumped in my lap. This family member lives two miles from me but we never see each other and that is fine. This is how alcoholism affects families over time. And this is how Al Anon can help some members get out without losing their minds. Did it take me 40 years? Yes, but it’s because basically our only interaction was about this elderly family member. It was not a normal sibling relationship by any stretch of the imagination. Al Anon really can help folks navigate these hard relationships. 💕🌸💕

Q is sibling with 40 years of alcoholism. DUI, jail, hospitalization for psychosis twice, years of ruined family events etc. Refusal to enter treatment of any kind including AA. Now it comes down to them making a horrible accusation against an elderly respected family member that everyone knows to be untrue and so hurtful. It’s a bridge too far for me, and I’ve been yelled at and called horrible names today and I just decided after having little to no relationship with them that today that branch of the family tree has been cut, permanently. I told them calmly that I was not going to listen to any more and that I was hanging up. I then blocked this person. The remaining healthy part of the tree must not be poisoned by the sick part.

That is what Al Anon and detachment can help with. I didn’t cry, my heart didn’t race, I didn’t feel guilt, I just felt like I was finally tired of having sickness and drama dumped in my lap. This family member lives two miles from me but we never see each other and that is fine. This is how alcoholism affects families over time. And this is how Al Anon can help some members get out without losing their minds. Did it take me 40 years? Yes, but it’s because basically our only interaction was about this elderly family member. It was not a normal sibling relationship by any stretch of the imagination. Al Anon really can help folks navigate these hard relationships. 💕🌸💕

Typical posts we see every single day. You can substitute she for he in here or mother for father etc. I was just posting on what 75% of the posts are about. But they are not gender specific. Alcoholism is not gender specific.

“ So my Q is a high functioning alcoholic.”( No dear reader we find out later he is not functioning well at all. He is able to shower and attend his job. That’s it. )

“He is the greatest husband and father ever. “( No, actually he isn’t. He passes out every night and leaves her to deal with the babies and she cleans up his vomit while trying to nurse the baby. )

“He drank while we were dating, but it got so much worse the day after we got married. I was so shocked.” ( was problematic drinking discussed before marriage?)

“It got so much worse after the first baby and then after the second child it just got insane.”( well, what made you think it would get BETTER with a second child?)

“Now I’m just in total shock that this amazing wonderful husband and father is a total alcoholic suddenly and I don’t know what to do. Please help. I’m basically a single mom and he drinks as soon as he comes home from work and I don’t know how I got here.”( we do and we don’t know how to tell you where this all started because we don’t want to wreck you further. )

Rinse wash repeat. Every single day. It’s almost like we could write the posts ourselves and just change out the user names. It’s heartbreaking in its predictability.😭😭😭 I wish there was a way to go upstream and stop folks from falling in. Edited to add- this is not about judgement- this is about how predictable the cases are and how I personally wish there was a way to educate people about the signs of early stage alcoholism so we could stop these stories before people get 15-20 years down the road with kids.