u/LeaveHot7557

I don't think I'm a misandrist. I love my dad, my brother, and I get along well with my brother's friends. But when it comes to men I don't know, my default is often suspicion. I tend to assume the worst about their character until they prove otherwise. I don't feel safe around men who aren't in my immediate family.

My father is a wonderful man, so nothing really prepared me for what other men are like.

Every time I've tried talking about this, people (men, more specifically) immediately tell me I'm a misandrist, and I end up feeling guilty. I don't hate men.

The thing is, I genuinely don't know why I react this way. Maybe it's because of trauma. Maybe it's because of the way I've heard some men talk about women throughout my life. Maybe it's because so many women I know have experienced abuse or harassment. Maybe it's because every woman is raised to be weary of unfamiliar men for their safety. Maybe it's a mix of all of those things.

I'm not saying all men are bad. I'm saying that this is how my brain reacts, and I'm trying to understand it so I can fix it. I don't want to judge people unfairly, but I also don't want to shame myself for having a response that may have developed for a reason. I don't want to make assumptions about men, but I also know that being weary of unfamiliar men is a survival instinct.

On top of all that, it pisses me off how often women are expected to push all of that fear aside so we don't hurt "good men's" feelings. If a woman says she's cautious around men she doesn't know, the conversation immediately becomes about reassuring men that they're not all bad instead of asking why she feels that way in the first place.

I don't think it's fair to expect women to ignore instincts that may have developed from experience/ years of being taught to prioritize their own safety just to make strangers feel more comfortable. I'm not accusing every man of being dangerous, and I don't think men should be judged for things they haven't done. I just don't understand why the emotional burden always seems to fall on women to suppress their fear instead of actually pointing out that those feelings have to come from somewhere.

I (15f) used to be underweight. I was really skinny. Then I started taking a medication that made me gain weight (seroquel) after going to a mental hospital, and later I had to get taken off of it because it was making me feel so weak and exhausted that I could barely wake up in the morning.

I went from being the tiny, skinny version of myself to being an "average" weight. I have more curves. I look more like what people would probably consider "normal." I know that. I KNOW that. I know a lot of people who are attracted to women like women who don't look like sticks, but I don't even care.

It's not even about being attractive. It's not about wanting other people to like me. I just want to be small again. All I can think about is how fucking small I want to get. Every time I see another girl who's skinnier than me I get this horrible feeling of jealousy and anger and I hate that I even feel that way. I hate comparing myself to other people, but I can't stop doing it. I get so mad at myself because I feel like I lost something.

I can't even describe how much I hate myself right now. I don't know what to do with myself.

Part of me hopes God doesn't exist. I'm really considering leaving Christianity. (15f)

Lately I've been thinking, what if there's nothing? What if when we die, we just stop existing? No afterlife at all. Every time I have those thoughts, I try to push them away because I'm immediately overcome with fear.

Part of me wants that to be true. I want to believe that all my thoughts are just chemicals and that there's no eternal life or punishment waiting for me when I die. The concept of God and heaven/ hell doesn't really make sense to me, but I've always been told that it's just beyond human understanding.

I want to be able to say I don't believe. I want to be one of those people who can confidently say "it doesn't make sense so I reject it." But I can't, I wasn't raised that way. Because what if I'm wrong? What if disbelief costs me eternal suffering? Instead, I'm stuck in this horrible middle place. I'm too scared to fully believe, too scared to fully walk away. Either way, I can't breathe without feeling like I'm being weighed down by something I can't even see.

The other part of me wonders if I'm just lying to myself. What if I'm just trying to escape the idea of judgment by pretending there's no judge?

I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this, I'm just really scared. It's gotten to the point that I have dreams about dying and waking up in hell. I'm terrified.

Edit: I have religious ocd, I do not want to post in Christian subs. They aren't helpful. I tried and it made me even more scared 😭

Edit 2: Unironically, Bible Belt by Baby Bugs is what drove me to finally post this.

Would there be any differences between the effects of nyquil and dayquil?

Part of me hopes God doesn't exist. (I know that sounds terrible, I'm sorry 😭)

I'm angry not at God, and I don't I think I'm better off without Him. But if there's no God, then there's no heaven or hell. I grew up believing in a God that sees everything. All my thoughts and all my sins. Every time I disappointed him. and I've disappointed him a lot.

Lately I've been thinking, what if there's nothing? What if when we die, we just stop existing? No afterlife at all. Every time I have those thoughts, I try to at least push them away.

Part of me wants that to be true. I want to believe that all my thoughts are just chemicals and that there's no eternal life or punishment waiting for me when I die.

Sometimes I want to be able to say I don't believe. I want to be one of those people who can confidently say "it doesn't make sense so I reject it." But I can't, I wasn't raised that way. Because what if I'm wrong? What if disbelief costs me eternal suffering? Instead, I'm stuck in this horrible middle place. I'm too scared to fully believe, too scared to fully walk away. Either way, I can't breathe without feeling like I'm being weighed down by something I can't even see.

The other part of me wonders if I'm just lying to myself. Like what if I'm just trying to escape the idea of judgment by pretending there's no judge?

I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this, I'm just really scared.

Newer songs are fine, but I'd love some older songs.

My close friend's ex is stalking all of her and her friends (including me), so I deleted my old account. I'd like to make I new one, but I want to know if he'd find out my account exists.