u/LifeguardBig2881

It is insane. I am so obsessed with women's bodies to the point I sometimes think I am a lesbian but I'm not😭.

It's just that to me it feels like I've never actually saw boobs in my life because I have none so they seem like something out of this world for me.

I frequently imagine myself with their boobs, how weirldy feminine would that feel and how sexy would it be. But it is beyond sexy...I just can't imagine how would it be to actually be a real woman with boobs😭

When I was just a teenager, I started reading serious catholic theology and philosophy, aswell as books about saints, their biographies and works.

And I literally spent years just swallowing these works because I was fascinated by them but also felt severe fear and terror. Also, I had scrupulosity and OCD so I was just obsessed about it.

Little to say that it destroyed me. In every way, it warped my common sense, my morality, sense of love, all the concepts I would naturally develop in much more stable way.

They were all distorted and warped because these stories are so highly mystical and radical. They always go deeper, meaning that something appears as good to us but maybe deep down is evil. Or when saints went through different phases of their "holyness" they wouod experience different thing in different ways so much that the same things migh appear completely different to them after some period.

You know what I mean?

It is the weirdness of individual mysticism and their claims that something is good or bad, or maybe good now but bad later then again good, or good in some sense but bad in other, or different circumstances and internal states dictated the morality...

All of that severely destroyed ANY sense of stability and normality and even decades kated I cannot heal from this because I think damage is actually irreversible mostly.

My brain always thinks in those patterns of "deep symbolic" and overquestiones everything. It always asks what is the effect of something "in deepest sense" or not even what is the effect but more as "from which spirit does this emerge?"

I always get extremely tangled into these subconcious analysis and deepest questions of meaning and intention.

Also, it divided my brain to the point that I cannot believe myself because according to those saints and theologians (out of which everyone has different opinion), we are all mix of holy nature, demonic nature, human nature...

So we are sometimes tricked but sometimes not. And sometimes something appears as a trick but also not...

You understand me I suppose...

This was just so deeply destructive for me in every possible way but the worst part is that I actually believe all of that in some sense still. I just wish I developed in a more simplistic and clear way.

Whenever I read some topics on local subreddits or just hearing how people talk in a coffee shops, in friend groups, etc. I just get deep realization of alienation and disgust towards that kind of behaviour.

For example, when people talk about sex in marriage or during pregnancy, they sound like their behaviour are completely result of their urges. Like, they sound more as if they just describe what their urges make them do.

Like when they describe animal behaviour on documentaries, except they talk like that about themselves.

For example: "Oh, during first 2 months my libido was low and I didn't want to have sex but then after 2 months my hormones changed and I wanted to have sex 24/7, my husband and I fucked like crazy!"

"We literally had sex 24hrs before birth of our baby"

"Last year we needed to stop having sex as my doctor said but now we can again and we are crazier then ever!".

"Sometimes I am not in the mood but sometimes I jump on his ___ 5 times a day."

You get the point. It's like they are devoid of actual humanity. Like they are animals just doing whatever the fuck they feel urge to. Like they don't have any higher cognition whatsoever but they do because those are teachers, workers, policemen, judges, doctors, nurses...

Those are all ordinary people but somehow when it comes to sex they behave as if they just behave how it occurs to them.

Which is insane to me. I know it sounds bad but I dont even consider them humans at this point because it's so insane state of mind which I cannot comprehend.

I'm a girl who is a big chess enthusiast since young age. It has been also my "escape world" into, what I considered, more decent and "intellectual" world, far away from all the sexualization, erotic, etc.

I don't know how many of you follow chess world but there is a group of women who are multiple champions, grandmasters, etc. and became very popular for the last few years.

As soon as I saw them for the first time, I sort of knew where will they end up, sadly.

Fast forward, in the last few years they basically turned into borderline OF models.

I feel they vastly put their looks and push eroticism through their content like streams, youtube, etc.

Stuff like posting erotic photoshoots, videos of them showering (wtf), wearing very revelaing clothes, eating and licking bananas, etc. (you know what I mean).

So, my main disappointment is - why does everything need to be ruined? Sexualized? Why are these women doing that to themselves even after they succeeded in chess and won all titles and became famous...

Why everything must be turned into erotics? Why are these women participating in that completely willingly, promoting such views of women in general? Why do they feed the sex machine? Why are they personally submitting themselves to be percieved as objects of lust trather than sticking to decency and chess? Men don't do that to themselves so why do we have to?

No matter how much I want women to support each other and resist hypersexualization, I feel more and more that women actually don't care about true feminism. They often can't wait to portray themselves into sexual manner because it gives them that boost of additional dopamine for which they all submit.

They betray all of us for a handful of what? Additional fame? Male approval? Why? Someone will say that I am just jealous, they would probably say it. But that's just far away from the point of my disappointment and deep rising grief for world.

And this is the real sign of declining society. When even the uni professors, top experts and top educated women sell themselves and fall for eroticism trap. They have the most power and influence but they choose to feed the machine.

U zadnjih par godina sam primijetila kako su ljudi općenito tako lijepi i zgodni. I to nasumični ljudi na ulici, blagajnama, skoro svi, pogotovo žene, su tako lijepe.

Nekad mislim da sam biased jer vidim samo lijepe, a ignoriram druge ali nekad baš namjerno gledam sve i vidim kako su ljudi toliko lijepi.

Čini mi se da prije nije bilo baš tako?

Doslovno svuda viđam modele, djevojke koje viđam u busu, na ulici, u trgovini, sve su toliko flawless...

I mislim si kad se to desilo? Savršen ten, koža, kosa, svi simetrični...

Ne trebaju mi uopće društvene mreže da to promatram jer vidim to u stvarnosti, time se još više deprimiram kako ne izgledam ni blizu tako.

Žene, imate li problem uspoređivanja sebe sa ostalima?

Jesam li samo ja ovo primijetila ili su unazad neko vrijeme cijene na vintedu luđačke?

Oni što mi najviše privlači pažnju su parfemi koji su vrlo često SKUPLJI nego novi na notinu???

I govorim o istoj mililitraži.

I to baš baš jako često, nije da se desi eto tako ponekad, nego baš svakodnevno viđam nove oglase gdje ljudi cijene parfeme čak do 40e više nego što je novi.

Evo zadnji kojeg sam vidjela je CK beauty, ista količina na vintedu 10e skuplja nego na notinu.

Je li to neka nova šema za pranje love za koju ja ne znam ili?

I've been suffering from severe OCD my whole life and I developed multiple complex problems regarding my overall functioning.

I've known I had cancer for 2 years. My extreme avoidance, extreme fear of telling my family, fear of bodily sensations regarding surgery and chemo and just overall passivity made me hide it and just avoid treatment until I collapsed and developed masses and metastasis all over my abdomen and surrounding some organs and blood vessels.

OCD is a fatal illness.

It's always like this.

I am seriously ill. I have multiple conditions.

Every month or so, a hot or beautiful/cute girl posts a selfie while "having a flair" or "an episode" and it instantly becomes top post, people in comments racing who will write longer or more supportive comment.

I don't want to sound rude or jealous, but it is just pathetic. I instantly roll my eyes on both OP and commentators.

When I entered puberty, every day my face would just randomly get weird bumps, my bones would grow in completely asymetrical ways, skin was brutal catastrophy no matter what I did (still is), my body was all kind of "off" and randomly asymetrical. To be clear, I am way into late 20s now.

I see these girls, they ented the puberty and they develop in such a perfect way. Almost like they perfectly transition that child-like symetry into youth-adult look. Their faces are gorgeous, perfect. Their bones look like they've been constructed in a lab or drawn by an artist. Skin - impeccable. Period. Perfect flawless child-like skin. Their bodies just sort of beautifully develop in a symetrical ways.

Their voice, hair, teeth...just perfect.

They get more beautiful with each day, more and more. What is this superhuman ability?

All I got is just random unexplainable bumps of face bones, nose just randomly doing its shit and going to the side while looking like some kid made it from clay. Huge pores, scars, horrible skin overall. I looked like 45y old when I was 14. Hair is a catastrophe. Random scoliosis, just weird shapes of bones, posture...

I literally don't understand what happened. It's like every gene in my body has some mistake or damage. How the hell do women have HEALTHY stuff, like healthy hair, skin...

It's almost god-like to me.

I recently started a youtube channel with a specific niche.

Although I am begginer and my videos are simple, honestly, I expected at least 1 view😅. But not even one person is interested in even clicking.

I am a bit concerned about impressions too. My 15 videos got around 250 impressions all together in first 4 days and then it just stopped. I made few more videos in meanwhile but impressions barely move (maybe 4 impressions in 5 days). I made some shorts aswell.

If anybody has any advice, I would appreciate, thank you!

I recently started a youtube channel with a specific niche.

Although I am begginer and my videos are simple, honestly, I expected at least 1 view😅. But not even one person is interested in even clicking.

I am a bit concerned about impressions too. My 15 videos got around 250 impressions all together in first 4 days and then it just stopped. I made few more videos in meanwhile but impressions barely move (maybe 4 impressions in 5 days). I made some shorts aswell.

If anybody has any advice, I would appreciate, thank you!

I've been trying to successfully upload a video on youtube for days now, hoping it would just be normal - nothing super ultra crisp, just NORMAL.

And no matter what I do, I get absolutely horrible pixelizations, random "ripping" of image suddenly, some weird resonances I guess, where for a moment part of the image would get horribly pixelizated or change color.

THINGS (COMBINATIONS) I TRIED:

*in davinci resolve*

- 1080p, 4k

- h.264, h.265, prores, youtube 1440 preset

- auto bitrate, limited to 10, 12, 30, 45, 60, 80 and 100 mbps. (all combinations with all resolutions tried - almost no visible difference/same issues)

- forcing to highest quality

- making sure video is fully uploaded, few hours after fully uploaded and completely processed into proper resolution

- making sure I view it in 1080p/1440p/2k... (even clicking 720p then back to 1080p to reload

- normal internet connection

Almost all renders look really good on native mac player, reall, normal and crisp but youtube literally destroys them. I don't know what to do or what to try.

At this point, normal and clear video sounds like a myth to me.

Hello, thank you for reading my post and replying because it would help me a lot.

I uploaded my first videos on youtube and cannot understand the bizzare problems that just pop up, almost changing everytime.

Just quick note:

I used davinci resolve for making videos. Videos are only made of high-res images and text/animation.

I tried many exporting options, from h.264 mp4, h.265 mp4, prores, different bitrate (from auto to restricting on 20mbps, 45mbps and 80mbps).

I tried 1080p aswell as upscaling to 4k then letting youtube compress it for "better quality".

Honestly, I feel like all the advices here that usualy work for everyone do the exact opposite for me.

The most recent try was uploading upscaled 4k h.264 mp4 with 45mbps (my videos are 24fps).

Not only does it look bad but also I have this bizzare bursts of sudden stripes on screen, lightning-like phantomic color bursts, random pixelization spots out of nowhere and even the video itself looks sort of pushed to one side. Sometimes it looks like the screen is ripped. Also, there is this weird background light that keeps changing color for no reason even tho everything looks really good when playing video on my macbook quickplayer. There should not be this backgroung light at all, how is that even possible? I never saw that on any video before...

It just looks like a complete mess compared to playback on my quickplayer.

I am getting a bit frustrated already because I tried many combinations and every single one took many hours to try because of upload time + I let it "sit" for a few hours.

Do you have any advices?