u/Lucky_Middle_5525

What did Tennessee?
The same thing as Arkansas.

I have a pet tree.

It’s a lot like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.

Just a random thought, but where do hamsters live other than pet stores?
I've never seen one in the wild.

Son: "Dad, did you go to the same school as me?"
Me: "Yes, 25 years ago. Why do you ask?"
Son: “Because today Mrs. Brown said she hasn't seen an idiot like me in 25 years!”

A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

A man is suing
Smart Water for not making him smart, and I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against
Thin Mints.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on amplifiers, and she replied yes what volume would you like.

"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

In ancient Israel, a traveling merchant by the name of Abraham Com took unto himself a wife named Dorothy. Dot Com was an impressive woman of towering stature and sharp wits—often referred to throughout the region as Amazon Dot Com.

One day she asked Abraham, ""Why must thou trek through desert sand from village to village when thou canst barter without ever stepping outside thy tent?""

Abraham looked at her as if she were a few figs short of a harvest, but asked, ""And how dost thou propose I do that, dear?""

Dot replied, ""I shall set up relay drums in every village across the land. We will drum out messages listing thy wares, and the merchants will beat back their best offers. Agreements shall be struck over the beat, and parcel deliveries shall be handled by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).""

Abraham agreed, and the system took the ancient world by storm. Within weeks, his goods were flying off the carpets at record prices right from his home tent.

To keep prying eyes in neighbouring kingdoms from decoding the drumbeats, Dot invented a secure rhythm protocol called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS). She followed this with a dialect designed to transmit pictures of the goods: Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

Before long, young scholars obsessed with the beat began swarming the trade squares. The locals dubbed them Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites (NERDS).

Yet amid the chaos, nobody noticed that the real fortune was being pocketed by a shrewd drum supplier named Brother William of Gates. Brother Gates bought out every timber forest and insisted that all future drums function only with his proprietary drumheads and sticks.

Dot sighed to her husband, ""Abraham, others are seizing what we created.""

Abraham gazed out across the Bay of Ezekiel (eBay) and said, ""We must rebrand ourselves with a name that honors our spirit.""

Dot declared, ""Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators!""

""YAHOO!"" Abraham cheered. And so was born YAHOO Dot Com.

Soon after, Abraham’s cousin Joshua—a Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK)—figured out how to use the rhythms to map out every well, landmark, and oasis in the wilderness.

The people called it God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And so the web was born. Truly, you couldn't make this up!"

The man who invented the guillotine...didn't want to be rich or famous. He
was just trying to get a head in life.

You've reached the age when the one telling you to slow down is your doctor and not the highway patrol.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

But other times I let her sleep in.

On the outskirts of town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucket of nuts and sat down behind the tree, out of sight, and began dividing up the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. A couple of the pecans fell and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He jumped back on his bike and sped off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and Jesus are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The boy kept insisting so the old man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you were tellin' the truth." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anybody. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all of them. Let's go get those two by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man, using a cane, had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new calendar.

I'm dismayed.

What type of shoes do frogs use ?
Open toad 🫣.

Last Sunday, my son was staring at a plaque on the wall outside the sanctuary at church. The plaque had names engraved on it and a little American flag on either side. He asked the pastor what it was for. The preacher told him it was a memorial for all the members of the church who had died in service. Connor's eyes got big and he asked, "The 9 o'clock or the 11?"

Dead Penguins – I Never Knew This! 🐧❄️
Have you ever wondered why you don’t see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they all go?
Wonder no more! It’s well-known that penguins are very ritualistic birds and live highly ordered, complex lives. They are deeply committed to their families, mate for life, and maintain affectionate bonds with their offspring throughout their lives.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice, family and members of its social circle have been known to dig a hole in the ice using only their beaks and vestigial wings. They carefully roll the departed into the hole and bury it.
Then, the male penguins gather around the icy grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow…"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow…"
You didn’t really believe I knew anything about penguins, did you? 😄🐧

Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

“Oh yeah?” the son retorts.

“Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”

A man wakes up in the hospital. The phone rings, a doctor tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, you have Avian flu, Ebola, you're HIV positive and have hepatitis." The man asks "What are you going to do?" The doc replies: "For starters we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." "Will that really help me?" "No, but it's all we can fit under the door."

An elderly man was having difficulty hearing in one ear. At the emergency room, a Dr. looked into his ear, reached for forceps, and pulled a blob out of the man's ear. " Do you know what this is?" the Dr. asked the man.." No" said the man. " It's a suppository. What is a suppository doing in your ear?" said the Dr. The man replied. " Never mind that, help me get my hearing aid back!"