u/Maldrich487

This is very long, I just need to get this out so it's ok if you don't read it. I understand.

In May 2012 I finally got sober. I had been an addict & alcoholic for over 10 years & I was so tired of it. I tried to get help over & over but this is the time I truly wanted out. The last night of rehab before I graduated I fell down concrete stairs & hit my head on a concrete wall. I was knocked out so the facility called 911 & they came to pick me up so I could be checked. The first hospital I went to took an xray & they saw that there was a spot in my brain that looked concerning. It was a very small hospital so they didn't have a CT scan to verify that it wasn't an active brain bleed. I was sent as a trauma patient to a bigger hospital just in case it was. When I got there they basically put me in a room with 10 people checking this, that & the other, asking me questions, moving different things & then I got the CT scan. I was put in a room once they found that it wasn't a brain bleed & eventually went back to rehab to graduate the next day. The only thing they wanted me to do was get an MRI when I got home just to see if there was anything going on. I got home & I wasn't actively taking care of my health just yet so I never scheduled it. In October 2012 I found out that I was going to lose my health insurance at the end of the month. I decided to get a bunch of stuff done before I did just so it was done. One of those things was the MRI. I had a consultation with a neurologist scheduled for that week. It was because the MRI had been on my brain & to follow up after the fall. That's what I had thought. Instead I found out that I needed to have brain surgery & that the surgery was already scheduled for 6 days later. They had found a tangle of veins that were very close to the area in your brain that controls the right side of the body. Because of how close it was it needed to be removed. If it had shifted or gotten any bigger I was at risk of being permanently paralyzed on the right side of my body. I don't even think it really sunk in until we were driving up for the surgery that I was going to be prescribed pain medication afterwards. I had been sober for 5 months which was the longest amount of time I had ever been & now I was faced with a prescription, multiple prescriptions probably. I was determined not to go back to using though so my mom & I came up with a plan. After the surgery she would be in charge of them so I wasn't put in the position of being responsible for being responsible. When I woke up from surgery I was temporarily paralyzed on the right side of my body & I had a pinched nerve in my left leg so I had no feeling on that side from the knee down. I got off the pain medication in time to graduate my intensive out of patient program. I was so happy once I had fully recovered from the surgery but I had no idea that that was just the beginning.

To make a long story shorter it was one thing after another after that. I was having multiple GI issues, breathing issues, heart concerns & found out that I had an autoimmune disease called sarcoidosis. The last 14 years I have spent the majority of the time either in & out of the hospital or being home but very sick. The sarcoidosis was never treated until 2 years ago. Because of that it is in my lungs, lymph nodes, spleen, liver, kidneys & it has affected my eye sight & skin. I also have been getting migraines for over 20 years, I have vertigo too, & I have GI issues from top to bottom quite literally. Other things have happened like mass infection in my gallbladder, sleep apnea, multiple issues with breathing out my nose, I broke my tibia in 2 places & my fibula in one causing a significant break in my leg, a blood clot, a history of falls totaling over 100, etc etc. In total I've had 10 surgeries on all different things. Hiatal hernia, deviated septum, umbilical hernia, oral surgery, gall bladder removed, paraesophageal hernia, broken hand, perforated septum, breaking my leg in 3 places, & having a stent placed. I have appointments, infusions, tests, procedures, blood work, telehealth visits, medications, etc etc all month every month. I have 2 home aids, a nurse & 2 different kinds of caseworker that help me with multiple things so I can get by each week...You get the picture.

It's been nonstop for the last 14 years.

My family doesn't realize how lucky I was that I got sober when I did because who knows where I'd be if I hadn't fallen down the stairs at rehab. The one thing that I am proud of is that on May 3, 2026 I celebrated 14 years sober. Through everything that has happened, including every surgery I've had, I have refused to take pain medication. Not only have I managed to get through intense surgery pain without them but, even when it felt impossible, I managed. I don't even take anything like that for the chronic pain either.

You know what happened after brain surgery though? My family started assuming that these things that were wrong & getting worse was because of my own doing. That I did it to myself by being an alcoholic & drug addict & that I don't deserve sympathy because it's my own fault.

My mom is the only person I have & have had for the last 14 years. It doesn't matter what has happened or how bad things have gotten or what I've gone through & what I go through every day. On top of all of this I have had to deal with mental health issues as well. I have BPD, agoraphobia, ADHD, anxiety & panic disorder & severe depression. They all stem from having BPD so that's why it sounds like an exaggeration. That's another thing I feel like no one understands. That just because I have a lot of mental health diagnosis doesn't mean I'm exaggerating. I have spent the majority of my life, since I was in 7th grade, not wanting to be part of my own life. That, plus the reckless life of using, & on top of the health issues, makes me feel like I'm still supposed to be here, no matter how difficult it's been or it is or it's going to be. There's so many things I struggle with but one of the worst feelings ever is being blamed for being disabled now.

I've been on disability for around 11 years now. I also have housing, health insurance, etc because of it. My family, not knowing the extent of the health issues I have had, from not being there, has been a problem for almost the whole time. When I started having appointments & tests they assumed it was because of the damage I had done to my body while using. As it became more of a problem they never came off of that assumption. They didn't realize that the things going on were issues the doctors started finding because I was finally taking care of myself for the first time in my life. I was never given the opportunity to explain any part of the process or the results. When I was put on disability it was immediately apparent that everyone just thought I was being lazy & didn't want to go back to working or even try to make anything of myself. That was the first assumption & that assumption is what still remains today. My family stopped asking how I was doing or wondering how things were going. They never even realized I was the hell I was going through being so sick all the time. I didn't get to tell them any details to explain how things were getting worse & how bad I was feeling about it. No one called & because of that disconnect they have no idea what I've been diagnosed with & how many of those things have progressively been getting worse. This entire time they've never given me an opportunity where they were actually listening. This treatment has always made me feel they truly believe it's my fault for making things worse, that I'm not getting better intentionally because & that it's all because I'm lazy & I don't want to have to work. All this time has passed & you'd never know it because they treat me the same way they did at the very beginning. It was one thing to have brain surgery but they think I tried to take advantage of everything after that. They tried to make me feel like that all I've wanted is attention from them & to not have any responsibilities. How tf can they treat me like that's what I have been looking for the past 14 years!! It's not right 😭😭

Today marks my 14 yr sobriety anniversary! What I thought was impossible on May 3, 2012 found a way through & now it's May 3, 2026!!

14 yrs ago, I made a decision that I thought would change everything.

I really believed that if I made the right choice, followed what I was told, & did what I was “supposed” to do… my life would simply fall into place.

Yeah… that's not quite how things went. Turns out, it wasn’t one decision. It was thousands of them. Over & over again.

I had to change my surroundings, the people in my life at the time, & all my horrible habits. Basically me, as a whole, & my entire mindset. Even when it felt like it was only getting harder.

I was under a lot of pressure when I found out about surgery. Only 5 months sober & was told that I had to take pain meds. I was defeated because I had this challenge that felt like it was too soon & too big for me to get through .

However, I really didn't want to go back AGAIN so I kept my head down, stayed focused & stuck to a plan. I wasn't the one responsible for the meds & I worked really hard to get off of them in only 3 weeks. A win in itself.

I still had a difficult recovery to get through but somewhere along the way things really changed. This time it felt so different.

14 years ago today, actually living my life instead of merely existing. I have spent the past 14 years showing up, pushing through, believing, growing & learning.

No matter how many appts, tests, procedures, surgeries, doctors there's been, I've stayed determined to keep going forward. I've stayed focused on my sobriety the entire time.

I have seen strength that I didn't even know I had. I’m not perfect but I'm definitely not who I used to be. I'm very grateful to have love & support. 🫶🏻 🙏