u/Mango_Starburst

It's been the most interesting thing processing my childhood as a parent.

A friend asked me that recently just noticing how in-tune I am to her.

My mother both felt like a child to me and a mean big sibling constantly trying to frame me. She hated how much anxiety she gave me. She dumped affection on my brother in front of me then would write letters whining to my grandma's to tattle tale on me saying I wasn't being kind. My entire childhood was getting scolded and she often would lie out of left field full on making stuff up .

In trying to make sense of this I went to my Grandma.

She said: Oh I was aware! (Of her neglect) But your mom so badly wanted a doll baby and you were colicky and difficult.

I'm sorry. WHAT. 1) She full on admitted to seeing my mom be abusive. 2) what the eff is a doll baby?? My mom wanted one, and I was what? A disappointment in not being a "doll baby" so therefore it justified all her neglect and abuse and my Grandma is standing by the fact that it happened?

I think one of the things I don't agree with as a parent is this whole thing of "well they wanted it!!" And that is the singular deciding factor.

I look at all these variables.

But aside from that to just hate on my life because I wasn't this perfect little angel of a baby and had colic so I deserved abuse? It makes me sick.

Also it took my mom 3 years to grasp that lactose intolerance was a thing in 1990 and blames "why did no one ever say anything to me?!?!" as to why she never ever told her doctor about all my colic. Sigh.

This woman also refused to put sunscreen on on a trip to Scotland with my brother saying the sun would not burn her mid day. It did and she was mad because she had said it shouldn't burn her.

I'm sad at my grandmother enabling her, and trying to find healing in my whole existence getting treated as somehow a slight against what my mother "wanted".

And still puzzled at what the hell a doll baby is.

My Grandma insists I just needed to obey more. Ok sure Jan. I had anxiety and my mom made no sense. She would pull surprise unplanned nap time on me at the age of 6 and be angry I was crying about it in front of people cause she would tell me right before we went in for church service. I also realize I had full blown Audhd as a kid and needed so much more support than I was given.

Has anyone else had their entire existence loathed or resented because of something a parent just decided and people backed them up? Also how do you heal from something or this level? It's like there's so much resentment towards me. Look it's not my fault from existing that gave my mother a bipolar dx but she sure acts like it sometimes.

We hadn't even met up once.

He was mad I valued myself and very quickly dived into being aggressive.

I literally had my daughter's birthday party and told him I would be unavailable to talk.

That's what he's mad about.

Me: I need to actually continue this a different time though. I have a family thing tonight and need to be present for it

Guy: Wow ok put me on the back burner once again

Me: I'm not going to be continuing to talk and if you send anything unkind I will be blocking you. Unfortunately due to your dismissive attitude and disrespect I don't see any traits and am not willing to continue talking.

I guess it might be easier to just open it up to questions than write out my whole story. It is so long.

Obviously my position as a female is a little different than TR.

My ex is literally TR minus him beating us. But I finally left with the kids when he was refusing to let me come in the kids' room at bedtime and I heard him abusing them. I didn't realize he had been that angry. He hid it well.

My life absolutely imploded. I had to move two counties away to a place with an actual DV shelter.

But I used to be like the Rods. Not to the degree they are. Not controlling food. My ex was that way.

I don't have empathy for TR because I too went through getting too angry and the shame and humiliation that comes and makes it hard to get help. But the thing is, THATS WHY HELP IS THERE.

It took years to get custody sorted out and my ex basically r*ped me if I wanted to see the kids when we were split (or would threaten to take away all time as the visit supervisor because of course his mother paid to clear his name. ).

But it was worth it. To hear my children laugh freely. To budget for a huge grocery bill (because their dad still feeds them cheap empty carbs and that's about it).

I will gladly do that to fix the little years I failed because I was under the threat of losing them and not knowing what to do. I try and hold space for the scared traumatized me.

I will say, I also likely have autism and maybe PDA and ADHD. it doesn't excuse it but from having been there, there is something about the weight of things having to be dealt with again in parenting that sets off a panic meltdown and unfortunately it can come down in hurting your kids.

I had to radically change how I disciplined our kids because it was like this scary warm relief that came from spanking them and I HATED that it happened so easily. It probably I imagine is similar to people who use cutting or alcohol but the problem is that it directly involves hurting the child to get relief.

What else I didn't realize is how much trauma from my past I had and had no idea until I became a parent and was in the middle of parenting and hard years. I had no idea. It was really embarrassing honestly. All the advice I got was to basically just trust that God was allowing it and that we had to teach our kids to obey or we wouldn't see them in heaven someday because they wouldn't choose God if we failed at parenting.

Talk about a mind f*ck.

I have verbalized to my children how sorry I am. They don't remember much of it (except my oldest who was several years older.)

I think largely I would say that the embarrassment of not being able to stop yourself and the overwhelm mentally keeps a lot of people stuck. And then it's not like God himself smites you down and everyone around you just ignores it cause they're guilty. There's this fear you'll lose your kids if you get help.

I'm so glad to be out of all that.

I think a lot of this dynamic comes from his family. They honor explanations more than they look for actual repair. It means he holds his words in high regard and expects to also be able to just completely quit our relationship too for hours and call it space. He struggles to verbalize that it is just a need and instead will mismanage life so he can say he is having to because he is overwhelmed.

I do understand this a lot. What's hard is that he cannot biologically actually end being a son and dad. No matter the break he takes he can't lose that. It's difficult for a relationship though because it's painful and he frames it as almost ending it.

His family is very avoidant so they are ok with his ebb and flow because they do it too.

I have been thankful for the ways he has tried to take ownership of saying something before (sometimes it's just two seconds before he hangs up).

I don't know where this falls in this but he rewrites reality backwards. If the outcome wasn't favorable he will change in his mind what he said about it and then get upset I didn't listen to him.

It does seem like he has been using what he wishes as coping for so long that he may be truly believes it but it's a little frustrating to often have my words and reality not be accepted by him..

*However*. I am learning that a lot of this is from trauma and often I will stop trying to orient (?) him I guess you could say. It reminds me actually of when my mum is manic and she seems cognizant like a child but later doesn't recall it.

Sometimes he will want really hurtful things (usually leaving me out when he originally said I could be included )and I will finally cave because I see he needs the autonomy.

What are things (even unrelated to this all) that is advice?

For reference both of us have likely AuDhd & PDA but it shows up in very different ways. He's avoidant and I am not.

We live separate places. I have my own apartment and he lives with his mum because of health needs for her. She is pretty controlling because he is her extra money .

Like legitimately I am on a limited income and I won't ever again be making what I was five years ago working full time at $50,000 a year. My position got cut, my migraines started and now I have limits for savings.

This got me thinking after actually volunteering time to pay off a parking ticket - why don't companies utilize this? It would save them labor costs..I don't know how it would work for taxes and such but it would truly probably make a difference to get accounts cleared off.

SD has been crying and in distress over going over there. She lives with Dad full time. I have my own place for context.

She ran away from home (she's 13) because there was crap on the floor, moldy food on the toddlers highchair and no food to eat.

Since then mom has absolutely amped up being mean to her. She boxed up all her things and dropped them off at dads. She said she would make it a craft room. She lied and put her little brother's things in there and basically deleted her from their house.

Mom has been amping up telling SD dad is forgetting about her and doesn't love her because he is dating me. SD reported she has pinched her, snapped her bra strap to force her to do family pictures and has just kept trying to emotionally dagger her. It should have to feel like a competition for these kids. Mom used to give her punishments if she showed any evidence of liking dad.

I am also a mandated reporter with my work and had to make the call. But I am nervous about the fallout because Dad is so scared of it going back to court and costing $300,000 like it did last time. He basically has mom on supervised visits and stopped doing overnights but it's definitely not enough for mom.

I gave SD a hug last night when she came back in tears mom having convinced her her dad had abandoned her and was picking me instead. 😡 I love her with all my heart and just want the best for her. I'm not here to replace her mom at all either. I'm just quiet support however she needs it. She gave me a hug back and it was the sweetest thing ever

The advice tends to just be "hunker down at home, find a third job, and eat rice and beans until it resolves." But that will stress even the most resilient kids out.

What do you do to help your kids while you are in a season of life that is tough financially? If you grew up in poverty, what meant a lot to you?

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Idk if this is mean but I am just having a harder and harder time hanging out with my friends who basically have immunity from some levels of hard in life. Their bills are all paid. They're not worried like I am about food. They want very different things than I do. I hate how socioeconomic struggles really affect so much.

I just don't relate to people who have just enough resources they aren't scared about keeping things like their car. They're able to pull out the credit card to go on a trip. I just ... Resent it I guess. It's hard to go to family reunions even for me. Maybe it's petty but I just feel a bigger sense of pain maybe of my struggles feeling really loud next to people who have hardly any of them.

I don't have gastro upset except around hormone changes. Food is just digested way too fast. I have no bowel issues. I worked with a nutritionist. I definitely have histamine issues but I can't take H1 blockers. (They made me depressed). I can take H2 blockers but they make me even more hungry. I have such low energy for making food. It's why I often will just buy it. I can only make food or eat but not both that and also the dishes and cleanup. Forget it. I also have an overactive bladder so if I drink protein stuff I have to pee so much. I definitely have ehlers danlos though. Joint pain is such a big thing.

But Im wondering if anyone has had a fast digestive system but not going through you like loose stools. Just being hungry again. I haven't looked into sibo or anything.

It feels like such an impossible puzzle to me. My daughter is 12. She has a lovely personality (albeit sometimes more playful than some of her peers). She's been able to find friends and has grown a lot the past year, however, there was a really difficult situation a few months ago and I'm not sure what to do. Her original counselor moved and I realized how helpful that was. So I have an intake appointment for her with a new one.

Anyways- a friend of hers met a 9th grade boy at some school athletic event she went to. This girl, we will call her Stella, made a group chat that included my daughter called "Stellas Matchmaking Circle." (Reminder for context that all these girls are 12 and in 6th grade / 1st year of middle school).

The girls started talking and asked if anyone was willing to meet this 9th grade boy. My daughter volunteered. She sent a cute picture of herself in her favorite shirt. But then the conversation progressed to her offering, "I'll hook up with him." Well. Hold that thought for a second. Because I had no idea the group chat existed or any of this was going on.

What my daughter explained before I knew what was going on was that they were sending random messages to people on Pinterest as a prank . (Sigh. Ok also a problem!!) She didn't explain that it was actually a random 9th grade boy at the local highschool.

I had a gut feeling I just needed to go through her texts and see what was going on. The Pinterest thing sounded weird.

I found the whole "Matchmaking" text thread and read through it.

It seems like the girls were just trying to find the validation of a boy thinking they were cute and trying to be helpful with each other finding that.

Going by my daughter's search history that showed up right after of "what does it mean to hok up?" I don't think she knew what it meant.

Impulsivity has been a struggle with other things. When she is really upset she has thrown a cheeseburger at her dad because it came wrong. She kicked a kid in the school in the shins because he refused to let her past him. She has had appropriate consequences and conversation and trying to set her up for better success.

We haven't tried meds yet.

Would it be overbearing to check messages more?

It's so hard when they hit the age they just so badly want to be treated with peers and their weak points and blind spots just ignored to be able to avoid the rejection and pain of where they developmentally are at

How do you all handle the friendship issue where they crumple without friends but don't have the emotional skills to say no to bad ideas and are basically really vulnerable?

So back story: I've been with my SDs dad for 5 years. We broke up because his ex (SDs mom) got jealous and made threats to go back to court and it got overwhelming. She didn't want any other female in her daughter's life and wanted this fantasy world that was just she and her ex and their daughter....even though she cheated on him, made false allegations in vindication that cost him $300,000 to clear. She's a very controlling jealous person.

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We started dating six months ago giving it a two year break for things to cool down with his ex (and in some ways for us to each grow as people).

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SDs mom has relied on her daughter (who is 12) to be her everything - including her maid, her nanny (she remarried and has a 1 yo and 5 yo) and just tolerate being unloved. She made SD her whole world for 8 years until little brother (5yo) hit about 3. Then the comparison started.

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Why can't you ride your bike like your brother? Why can't you do as good in school as he does in preschool?

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Mom refuses to clean their house, let the other kids throw food on the floor and walk around without diapers and had poop on the floor. It was absolutely atrocious.

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They reported it to the school counselor as one step to document.

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The last straw for SD being there was mom making her ride her bike when she was super sick.

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She had expressed multiple times she felt more comfortable at her dad's house because it was predictable and she didn't want to clean up literal crap. Mom refused and made it about her not loving her.

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Well the bike ride was the last straw. SD biked the five miles to dad's house and refused to go back.

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Mom was mad and called the police on her to force her to come home. She threatened to file an amber alert.

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Well she clearly doesn't know how either of those work because the situation didn't qualify and local police showed up and said- sorry this is a civil issue. Her dad isn't harboring a runaway when he's on the parenting plan and is home and she is simply choosing to go live with him."

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Also for context, dad has primary custody.

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So fast forward to now. Mom has finally accepted it but is still guilt tripping her and grilling her. She had gallbladder surgery a few weeks ago and the last visit insisted SD clean her room out of all her stuff since it was "hard to look at" and also help Mom take a bath. Like what the actual hell.

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I have been trying to just be there for SD. I understand being rejected and over expected by an entitled mom. That was my mom.

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I have my own place but am over a few times a week.

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I just went camping and picked some shells for SD because I know she loves them.

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SDs mom emailed me a few years ago in trying to connect with me and explaining why she couldn't handle her daughter loving anyone else by explaining that she felt like she had failed at absolutely everything else in life so she needed parenting to work out.

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SD is such a kind, empathetic creative soul.

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So far her mom has said zero things of how she misses or loves who SD is. It's just "she cannot get away with bad behavior".

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I don't even want to replace step mom or be her mom or anything. Just be there for her as she navigates this. Sometimes she wants space and understandably time with her dad so I give her those.

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Has anyone else navigated SKs being rejected by their other parent for preferring to live with one parent? What has helped? What hasn't helped?

One of my kids has this persistent need to win everything and choose everything - the music in the car, the order of getting ice cream, getting a turn. My kids are 18 (male), 13 (male), 12 (female) and 10 (female). It's the 12 female who has this struggle.

We just started looking into therapy and treatment for ADHD and are early in the process of it all.

Her impulsiveness and ability to focus long amounts with things she likes and emotional coping being so much less than her peers lead me to think she definitely has ADHD. There may be some spectrum things too (falling apart if we use a different utensil that doesn't match to dish out salad or texture being off with food or her sock seams).

What are some things that have helped for this persistent need to matter more than everyone else and making everything a competition? I try to structure things so the kids each have a turn being in charge of music or getting to go first and I do plenty of one on one time with each of them. I give her projects she can just be in charge of.

But it's like she emotionally didn't gain the skills past the early elementary competitiveness and she gets so angry if she can't be first with all the things. She loses the ability to have empathy in the moment though talking helps a little.

I'm just exhausted at the thought of going and doing anything with her included meaning arguing and her forgetting everything that has been done to sacrifice. All she can see is the moment and it's like her rejection sensitivity is very tied in. She is super competitive over how she's perceived in the world and is really good at some things like archery and swimming but it's hard when every solitary thing is a competition where her siblings have to not matter (it's like it's not just winning but others suffering that makes her thrilled.).

I think it's the never enough and never resolving the issue this is wearing me out.

I have multiple confirmations of my account being canceled and they have restarted it and rebilled it multiple times. I went in for a refund and unlike Amazon where they just simply show the card to refund to, Audible requires you tell them the last four of your card. I have like 10 cards on file and my bank has kept updating features and cards. It's different digital debit numbers online. I dont know the magic four numbers used just that it's on my account. They're not wanting to refund their own mistake. I don't get how being part of Amazon they can be so inept and complicated

I have noticed one of the weirdest dynamics about NT women is the whole only allowed to have someone else speak FOR you with successes and wins; you're not allowed to do it yourself or you're seen as selfish / proud / stuck up / over inflated.

Am I the only one who has noticed this? It's like if you say too much celebrating things in your life, you're considered really uppity and too confident.

So you are expected to deal with friend group dynamics so a friend can vouch for your win and speak for you for the win and *then* it's valid.

Well wtf. No? I feel like I have a good grasp on being fair with sharing my own things. I don't tie up too much conversation. I love to hear from other women. I love to celebrate their wins. But this thing bothers me a lot. I don't have the money for gas to spend time with friends for them to have content to share. I can't afford frequent friendship. I just have good friends but it's like individual because of not being able to often afford group things.

I notice it in my family group chat (which honestly has a lot of spectrum people in it)-

They only want to celebrate either certain people OR have it be someone sharing someone else's win or news and then it's vetted and worthy of celebrating.

It makes me thankful for friends who don't care about this crap and I don't either. I just have noticed the trend in a couple groups I know. How exhausting it must be to live like this