u/MentalRip9349

Continuation of my previous posts —

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\\\_advice/s/bfY6VMRhd2

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/05VrGYikRa

I know everything he did was abusive, controlling and manipulative. My therapist told me. I know it mentally.

But I don't feel it from inside my body. I don't feel the anger. I don't feel the abuse enough to take action or get out of it or move forward from him. My body shivers when I think of him, there's a knot in my stomach.

When I posted here on reddit, everyone told me it was abuse. I cried. But it felt like crying for a third person. I felt bad for her. I didn't feel that it was me.Like something so traumatic happened to her. Because everyone is saying it and it sounds bad.But I can't feel it as my own experience.

If anyone has felt similar way, can you help me with-

How do I feel it?

How do I feel it enough from inside to actually move forward?

How do I feel that it was not right?

Continuation of my previous posts — https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/s/bfY6VMRhd2

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/05VrGYikRa

I know everything he did was abusive, controlling and manipulative. My therapist told me. I know it mentally.

But I don't feel it from inside my body. I don't feel the anger. I don't feel the abuse enough to take action or get out of it or move forward from him. My body shivers when I think of him, there's a knot in my stomach.

When I posted here on reddit, everyone told me it was abuse. I cried. But it felt like crying for a third person. I felt bad for her. I didn't feel that it was me.Like something so traumatic happened to her. Because everyone is saying it and it sounds bad.But I can't feel it as my own experience.

If anyone has felt similar way, can you help me with-

How do I feel it?

How do I feel it enough from inside to actually move forward?

How do I feel that it was not right?

Continuation of my previous posts — https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/s/bfY6VMRhd2

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/05VrGYikRa

I know everything he did was abusive, controlling and manipulative. My therapist told me. I know it mentally.

But I don't feel it from inside my body. I don't feel the anger. I don't feel the abuse enough to take action or get out of it or move forward from him. My body shivers when I think of him, there's a knot in my stomach.

When I posted here on reddit, everyone told me it was abuse. I cried. But it felt like crying for a third person. I felt bad for her. I didn't feel that it was me.Like something so traumatic happened to her. Because everyone is saying it and it sounds bad.But I can't feel it as my own experience.

If anyone has felt similar way, can you help me with-

How do I feel it?

How do I feel it enough from inside to actually move forward?

How do I feel that it was not right?

Continuation of my previous posts —

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/s/bfY6VMRhd2

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/05VrGYikRa

I know everything he did was abusive, controlling and manipulative. My therapist told me. I know it mentally.

But I don't feel it from inside my body. I don't feel the anger. I don't feel the abuse enough to take action or get out of it or move forward from him. My body shivers when I think of him, there's a knot in my stomach.

When I posted here on reddit, everyone told me it was abuse. I cried. But it felt like crying for a third person. I felt bad for her. I didn't feel that it was me.Like something so traumatic happened to her. Because everyone is saying it and it sounds bad.But I can't feel it as my own experience.

If anyone has felt similar way, can you help me with-

How do I feel it?

How do I feel it enough from inside to actually move forward?

How do I feel that it was not right?

My core value is honesty. His too — or so he claimed.

So when these things happened, I genuinely didn't know how to respond or who was wrong.

Situation 1 — The details:

He would share explicit details about things he did with other girls while we were together. Lying on a girl's lap. Going to prom with someone, dancing with her, holding her waist.

When I reacted he would say , "she's just a friend, we were all together, there's nothing between us. I'm just being honest about what happened. In college we have all kinds of conversations with girls - sexual jokes too. At least I'm telling you. Other guys do so much worse and don't even tell their partners. I respect women. I know my boundaries."

I would get panic attacks hearing these details. But I had no answer. He was being honest. I couldn't say anything back.

Situation 2 — The half details:

He would randomly say things like "something happened that would hurt you but I can't tell you" but wouldn't share details with anyone else either. Just me. Just enough to make me anxious.

Or "there's a girl paying for my therapy but let's not talk about it, it leads to arguments."

Why mention it at all if you won't tell me?

Situation 3 — The language:

He used abusive words during arguments. I told him it felt traumatic for me and requested him to stop.

He said he would change.

After that, before arguments escalated he would give me a disclaimer, "I'm going to get abusive, I'm going to say something shitty, so give me space right now."

He was proud of this. Called it change. Called it self awareness.

It didn't feel any different to me.

The part I couldn't respond to:

When his honesty started scaring me, I asked him to stop sharing these details. To keep me in the dark. The less I knew the better I felt.

He said, "you're a coward. Honesty doesn't sit right with you because you're a dishonest person."

He said this with complete confidence. Like it was fact.

And I had no answer. Because I had made mistakes too.

- Was my anxiety unreasonable?

- Is this what honesty looks like?

-Mostly importantly I want to know - "What would you have said in response?"

TLDR: He shared painful details about other girls and called it honesty. Gave me half information and called it transparency. Replaced abusive language with warnings of abuse and called it growth. When his honesty scared me, he called me a coward and a liar. I couldn't argue back. Was this honesty or something else?

I (22F) am trying to understand a situation and learn from it. I take responsibility for the mistakes I made, and I’m genuinely looking for honest advice .

I was in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend (7–8 years). We were living in different countries (he was in the US). During a period of loneliness and emotional distance, I became very close to my best friend (22M). He was going through a difficult time, and our friendship slowly became emotionally intimate while I was still in my relationship.

I know I did not handle this situation well. I struggled to end my long-term relationship even though I knew things had changed. My inability to make a clear decision quickly hurt people, and I take responsibility for that. I stopped talking to him, avoiding him, tried breaking up with my boyfriend. But struggled with clearly breaking up.

My best friend knew about my relationship, the distance, and my situation since the time he knew me (2 -3 years). When we both got close. He wanted me to commit to him. Though we were like partners. We shared emotional, physical, mental intimacy. Did everything that happens in a relationship in actions. Only thing lacking was a lack of clear statement from my side. In actions it was there, but a statement.

Even after I eventually ended my previous relationship, I still found myself struggling to move forward with him. I felt confused and lost my sense of judgment. I wanted to start fresh with him, but something inside me did not feel okay.

I am trying to understand whether my fear and hesitation came only from my own guilt and mistakes, or whether some of it was because of things happening in the relationship.

SOME BEHAVIOR I STRUGGLED WITH-

He pressured me to go to an Airbnb and have a physical relationship. I told him I was not ready for anything physical until we first sorted out our emotional issues and built trust. When I said no, he became extremely angry and verbally abusive. He also took me to the same place where he had taken previous hookups, which made me uncomfortable.

Whenever I disagreed with him or said no, he often reacted with intense anger, shouting, and threatening to tell others about what happened between us.

During times when I felt vulnerable and needed emotional support, there were moments when he wanted distance or would say things like, “You always cry.”

He once told me that if he spent time with a particular girl, he would feel tempted towards her.

He would have flirty conversations and share sexual jokes/messages with some female friends. When I expressed discomfort, he said that since we were not committed, he could do whatever he wanted. This confused me because we were emotionally and physically close.

After fight or arguments he would reach out to girls and hook up. He would say, he just talked. He wanted to distract him and I'm not commiting to him, so he doesn't owe me anything ( though in actions we were like couples, we did everything. It was just one statement that I couldn't say).

He sometimes made comments about women that made me uncomfortable, including saying that it was a woman’s fault if she “took her clothes off” in certain situations.

He had intimate pictures of previous hookups saved on his phone. And also woman in general( downloaded online) . When I told him this made me uncomfortable, he said that because I had not committed to him, I had no right to question him.

He would sometimes make comments about his past experiences with woman - For example, he would say that girls were willing to take their clothes off for him. When I questioned or expressed discomfort about these comments, he said - don't be a feminist now, and further he would say that he was just being honest and that I was unable to accept honesty because I was a liar and cheater. His friend group would also share explicit pictures of woman.

After one break, when we talked again, he was telling me about a future with me and saying very loving things, but at the same time, he was sexting and planning to meet one of his exes.

I am trying to understand:

I am not looking for a judgment about who was right or wrong. I know I made mistakes .

\*\*"I am looking for advice on understanding relationship pattern. Were these behaviours understandable reactions to a painful situation, or were they unhealthy patterns that I should have recognised.? "\*\*

I understand that my inability to commit and the time I took to end my previous relationship hurt him. I am not trying to ignore that.

I would really appreciate thoughtful advice from people who have experienced complicated relationships. And Since I'm thinking of starting fresh with him, how do i make sense of this.

Apologies that it's so long. Thank you for staying till the end.

I (22F) am trying to understand a situation and learn from it. I take responsibility for the mistakes I made, and I’m genuinely looking for honest advice .

I was in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend (7–8 years). We were living in different countries (he was in the US and I was in Australia). During a period of loneliness and emotional distance, I became very close to my best friend (22M). He was going through a difficult time, and our friendship slowly became emotionally intimate while I was still in my relationship.

I know I did not handle this situation well. I struggled to end my long-term relationship even though I knew things had changed. My inability to make a clear decision quickly hurt people, and I take responsibility for that. I stopped talking to him, avoiding him, tried breaking up with my boyfriend. But struggled with clearly breaking up.

My best friend knew about my relationship, the distance, and my situation since the time he knew me (2 -3 years). When we both got close. He wanted me to commit to him. Though we were like partners. We shared emotional, physical, mental intimacy. Did everything that happens in a relationship in actions. Only thing lacking was a lack of clear statement from my side. In actions it was there, but a statement.

Even after I eventually ended my previous relationship, I still found myself struggling to move forward with him. I felt confused and lost my sense of judgment. I wanted to start fresh with him, but something inside me did not feel okay.

I am trying to understand whether my fear and hesitation came only from my own guilt and mistakes, or whether some of it was because of things happening in the relationship.

SOME BEHAVIOR I STRUGGLED WITH-

He pressured me to go to an Airbnb and have a physical relationship. I told him I was not ready for anything physical until we first sorted out our emotional issues and built trust. When I said no, he became extremely angry and verbally abusive. He also took me to the same place where he had taken previous hookups, which made me uncomfortable.

Whenever I disagreed with him or said no, he often reacted with intense anger, shouting, and threatening to tell others about what happened between us.

During times when I felt vulnerable and needed emotional support, there were moments when he wanted distance or would say things like, “You always cry.”

He once told me that if he spent time with a particular girl, he would feel tempted towards her.

He would have flirty conversations and share sexual jokes/messages with some female friends. When I expressed discomfort, he said that since we were not committed, he could do whatever he wanted. This confused me because we were emotionally and physically close.

After fight or arguments he would reach out to girls and hook up. He would say, he just talked. He wanted to distract him and I'm not commiting to him, so he doesn't owe me anything ( though in actions we were like couples, we did everything. It was just one statement that I couldn't say).

He sometimes made comments about women that made me uncomfortable, including saying that it was a woman’s fault if she “took her clothes off” in certain situations.

He had intimate pictures of previous hookups saved on his phone. And also woman in general( downloaded online) . When I told him this made me uncomfortable, he said that because I had not committed to him, I had no right to question him.

He would sometimes make comments about his past experiences with woman - For example, he would say that girls were willing to take their clothes off for him. When I questioned or expressed discomfort about these comments, he said - don't be a feminist now, and further he would say that he was just being honest and that I was unable to accept honesty because I was a liar and cheater. His friend group would also share explicit pictures of woman.

After one break, when we talked again, he was telling me about a future with me and saying very loving things, but at the same time, he was sexting and planning to meet one of his exes.

I am trying to understand:

I am not looking for a judgment about who was right or wrong. I know I made mistakes .

\*\*"I am looking for advice on understanding relationship pattern. Were these behaviours understandable reactions to a painful situation, or were they unhealthy patterns that I should have recognised.? "\*\*

I understand that my inability to commit and the time I took to end my previous relationship hurt him. I am not trying to ignore that.

I would really appreciate thoughtful advice from people who have experienced complicated relationships. And Since I'm thinking of starting fresh with him, how do i make sense of this.

Apologies that it's so long. Thank you for staying till the end.

​

I (22F) am trying to understand a situation and learn from it. I take responsibility for the mistakes I made, and I’m genuinely looking for honest advice .

I was in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend (7–8 years). We were living in different countries (he was in the US and I was in Australia). During a period of loneliness and emotional distance, I became very close to my best friend (22M). He was going through a difficult time, and our friendship slowly became emotionally intimate while I was still in my relationship.

I know I did not handle this situation well. I struggled to end my long-term relationship even though I knew things had changed. My inability to make a clear decision quickly hurt people, and I take responsibility for that. I stopped talking to him, avoiding him, tried breaking up with my boyfriend. But struggled with clearly breaking up.

My best friend knew about my relationship, the distance, and my situation since the time he knew me (2 -3 years). When we both got close. He wanted me to commit to him. Though we were like partners. We shared emotional, physical, mental intimacy. Did everything that happens in a relationship in actions. Only thing lacking was a lack of clear statement from my side. In actions it was there, but a statement.

Even after I eventually ended my previous relationship, I still found myself struggling to move forward with him. I felt confused and lost my sense of judgment. I wanted to start fresh with him, but something inside me did not feel okay.

I am trying to understand whether my fear and hesitation came only from my own guilt and mistakes, or whether some of it was because of things happening in the relationship.

SOME BEHAVIOR I STRUGGLED WITH-

He pressured me to go to an Airbnb and have a physical relationship. I told him I was not ready for anything physical until we first sorted out our emotional issues and built trust. When I said no, he became extremely angry and verbally abusive. He also took me to the same place where he had taken previous hookups, which made me uncomfortable.

Whenever I disagreed with him or said no, he often reacted with intense anger, shouting, and threatening to tell others about what happened between us.

During times when I felt vulnerable and needed emotional support, there were moments when he wanted distance or would say things like, “You always cry.”

He once told me that if he spent time with a particular girl, he would feel tempted towards her.

He would have flirty conversations and share sexual jokes/messages with some female friends. When I expressed discomfort, he said that since we were not committed, he could do whatever he wanted. This confused me because we were emotionally and physically close.

After fight or arguments he would reach out to girls and hook up. He would say, he just talked. He wanted to distract him and I'm not commiting to him, so he doesn't owe me anything ( though in actions we were like couples, we did everything. It was just one statement that I couldn't say).

He sometimes made comments about women that made me uncomfortable, including saying that it was a woman’s fault if she “took her clothes off” in certain situations.

He had intimate pictures of previous hookups saved on his phone. And also woman in general( downloaded online) . When I told him this made me uncomfortable, he said that because I had not committed to him, I had no right to question him.

He would sometimes make comments about his past experiences with woman - For example, he would say that girls were willing to take their clothes off for him. When I questioned or expressed discomfort about these comments, he said - don't be a feminist now, and further he would say that he was just being honest and that I was unable to accept honesty because I was a liar and cheater. His friend group would also share explicit pictures of woman.

After one break, when we talked again, he was telling me about a future with me and saying very loving things, but at the same time, he was sexting and planning to meet one of his exes.

I am trying to understand:

I am not looking for a judgment about who was right or wrong. I know I made mistakes .

\*\*"I am looking for advice on understanding relationship pattern. Were these behaviours understandable reactions to a painful situation, or were they unhealthy patterns that I should have recognised.? "\*\*

I understand that my inability to commit and the time I took to end my previous relationship hurt him. I am not trying to ignore that.

I would really appreciate thoughtful advice from people who have experienced complicated relationships. And Since I'm thinking of starting fresh with him, how do i make sense of this.

Apologies that it's so long. Thank you for staying till the end.

I (22F) am trying to understand a situation and learn from it. I take responsibility for the mistakes I made, and I’m genuinely looking for honest advice .

I was in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend (7–8 years). We were living in different countries (he was in the US and I was in Australia). During a period of loneliness and emotional distance, I became very close to my best friend (22M). He was going through a difficult time, and our friendship slowly became emotionally intimate while I was still in my relationship.

I know I did not handle this situation well. I struggled to end my long-term relationship even though I knew things had changed. My inability to make a clear decision quickly hurt people, and I take responsibility for that. I stopped talking to him, avoiding him, tried breaking up with my boyfriend. But struggled with clearly breaking up.

My best friend knew about my relationship, the distance, and my situation since the time he knew me (2 -3 years). When we both got close. He wanted me to commit to him. Though we were like partners. We shared emotional, physical, mental intimacy. Did everything that happens in a relationship in actions. Only thing lacking was a lack of clear statement from my side. In actions it was there, but a statement.

Even after I eventually ended my previous relationship, I still found myself struggling to move forward with him. I felt confused and lost my sense of judgment. I wanted to start fresh with him, but something inside me did not feel okay.

I am trying to understand whether my fear and hesitation came only from my own guilt and mistakes, or whether some of it was because of things happening in the relationship.

SOME BEHAVIOR I STRUGGLED WITH-

He pressured me to go to an Airbnb and have a physical relationship. I told him I was not ready for anything physical until we first sorted out our emotional issues and built trust. When I said no, he became extremely angry and verbally abusive. He also took me to the same place where he had taken previous hookups, which made me uncomfortable.

Whenever I disagreed with him or said no, he often reacted with intense anger, shouting, and threatening to tell others about what happened between us.

During times when I felt vulnerable and needed emotional support, there were moments when he wanted distance or would say things like, “You always cry.”

He once told me that if he spent time with a particular girl, he would feel tempted towards her.

He would have flirty conversations and share sexual jokes/messages with some female friends. When I expressed discomfort, he said that since we were not committed, he could do whatever he wanted. This confused me because we were emotionally and physically close.

After fight or arguments he would reach out to girls and hook up. He would say, he just talked. He wanted to distract him and I'm not commiting to him, so he doesn't owe me anything ( though in actions we were like couples, we did everything. It was just one statement that I couldn't say).

He sometimes made comments about women that made me uncomfortable, including saying that it was a woman’s fault if she “took her clothes off” in certain situations.

He had intimate pictures of previous hookups saved on his phone. And also woman in general( downloaded online) . When I told him this made me uncomfortable, he said that because I had not committed to him, I had no right to question him.

He would sometimes make comments about his past experiences with woman - For example, he would say that girls were willing to take their clothes off for him. When I questioned or expressed discomfort about these comments, he said - don't be a feminist now, and further he would say that he was just being honest and that I was unable to accept honesty because I was a liar and cheater. His friend group would also share explicit pictures of woman.

After one break, when we talked again, he was telling me about a future with me and saying very loving things, but at the same time, he was sexting and planning to meet one of his exes.

I am trying to understand:

I am not looking for a judgment about who was right or wrong. I know I made mistakes .

\*\*"I am looking for advice on understanding relationship pattern. Were these behaviours understandable reactions to a painful situation, or were they unhealthy patterns that I should have recognised.? "\*\*

I understand that my inability to commit and the time I took to end my previous relationship hurt him. I am not trying to ignore that.

I would really appreciate thoughtful advice from people who have experienced complicated relationships. And Since I'm thinking of starting fresh with him, how do i make sense of this.

Apologies that it's so long. Thank you for staying till the end.

​

I (22F) am trying to understand a situation and learn from it. I take responsibility for the mistakes I made, and I’m genuinely looking for honest advice .

I was in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend (7–8 years). We were living in different countries (he was in the US and I was in Australia). During a period of loneliness and emotional distance, I became very close to my best friend (22M). He was going through a difficult time, and our friendship slowly became emotionally intimate while I was still in my relationship.

I know I did not handle this situation well. I struggled to end my long-term relationship even though I knew things had changed. My inability to make a clear decision quickly hurt people, and I take responsibility for that. I stopped talking to him, avoiding him, tried breaking up with my boyfriend. But struggled with clearly breaking up.

My best friend knew about my relationship, the distance, and my situation since the time he knew me (2 -3 years). When we both got close. He wanted me to commit to him. Though we were like partners. We shared emotional, physical, mental intimacy. Did everything that happens in a relationship in actions. Only thing lacking was a lack of clear statement from my side. In actions it was there, but a statement.

Even after I eventually ended my previous relationship, I still found myself struggling to move forward with him. I felt confused and lost my sense of judgment. I wanted to start fresh with him, but something inside me did not feel okay.

I am trying to understand whether my fear and hesitation came only from my own guilt and mistakes, or whether some of it was because of things happening in the relationship.

SOME BEHAVIOR I STRUGGLED WITH-

He pressured me to go to an Airbnb and have a physical relationship. I told him I was not ready for anything physical until we first sorted out our emotional issues and built trust. When I said no, he became extremely angry and verbally abusive. He also took me to the same place where he had taken previous hookups, which made me uncomfortable.

Whenever I disagreed with him or said no, he often reacted with intense anger, shouting, and threatening to tell others about what happened between us.

During times when I felt vulnerable and needed emotional support, there were moments when he wanted distance or would say things like, “You always cry.”

He once told me that if he spent time with a particular girl, he would feel tempted towards her.

He would have flirty conversations and share sexual jokes/messages with some female friends. When I expressed discomfort, he said that since we were not committed, he could do whatever he wanted. This confused me because we were emotionally and physically close.

After fight or arguments he would reach out to girls and hook up. He would say, he just talked. He wanted to distract him and I'm not commiting to him, so he doesn't owe me anything ( though in actions we were like couples, we did everything. It was just one statement that I couldn't say).

He sometimes made comments about women that made me uncomfortable, including saying that it was a woman’s fault if she “took her clothes off” in certain situations.

He had intimate pictures of previous hookups saved on his phone. And also woman in general( downloaded online) . When I told him this made me uncomfortable, he said that because I had not committed to him, I had no right to question him.

He would sometimes make comments about his past experiences with woman - For example, he would say that girls were willing to take their clothes off for him. When I questioned or expressed discomfort about these comments, he said - don't be a feminist now, and further he would say that he was just being honest and that I was unable to accept honesty because I was a liar and cheater. His friend group would also share explicit pictures of woman.

After one break, when we talked again, he was telling me about a future with me and saying very loving things, but at the same time, he was sexting and planning to meet one of his exes.

I am trying to understand:

I am not looking for a judgment about who was right or wrong. I know I made mistakes .

**"I am looking for advice on understanding relationship pattern. Were these behaviours understandable reactions to a painful situation, or were they unhealthy patterns that I should have recognised.? "**

I understand that my inability to commit and the time I took to end my previous relationship hurt him. I am not trying to ignore that.

I would really appreciate thoughtful advice from people who have experienced complicated relationships. And Since I'm thinking of starting fresh with him, how do i make sense of this.

Apologies that it's so long. Thank you for staying till the end.