u/Mindless_Search_9965

I for some reason have been very fixated on wanting to try nicotine for a few weeks now and I likely wont because I know how addictive it can be but the horror stories from people who have been vaping for a decade don't help me because my brain just tells me that it's just an uncommon/unlucky case and happened because they vaped for very long- reffering to complications like lung collapses, cancer, etc. I'm wondering if people could tell me what immediate harmful effects they had (as described in the title) because I think that will be a better deterrent for me. tysm

TW for mentions of self harm, suicide, and slight graphicness

I never wanted my parents to find out that I cut myself ever. I hate people knowing about it. I was so fucking scared about them finding out and taking away my phone and being super controlling that I was SO careful about hiding it for years and years.

A few weeks ago I accidentally hit an arteriole when cutting myself which is basically a tiny branch of an artery, it's not life threatening most of the time but it literally cannot stop bleeding on it's own without stitches except in rare cases I guess. I was extremely dissociated when it happened and 8 hours passed feeling like 1 and it was still bleeding non stop so I finally told my parents what happened so I could get taken to the ER.

My dad took me and he looked just so done. He wouldnt look me in the eyes or say a single word to me. The nurse who prepped me for stitches was so nice and caring and I genuinely felt loved for once- even a stranger was able to do more than my mom and dad could.

The doctor/nurses set me up for an emergency referral to a psychiatrist which we were meant to hear back from within less than 2 weeks but we got absolutely nothing back. The nurses kept saying to my parents: "This is really really bad, she needs immediate help because something wrong is clearly going on here" and it still wasn't fucking hitting them like no matter what the nurses said my parents still remained completely unphased.

After I got stitched up and went back home then my parents didn't say a word to me and literally completely ghosted me for 2 days straight when I needed them the most. I told my sister that they were completely ignoring me and she told me that our mom had told her: "she doesnt want to talk to us about it because she wants to protect our hearts" which was GENUINELY the most baffling lie and I immediately went to my mom after hearing this and told her that I NEVER said that and that I had needed her and that she just ignored me off the face of the earth acting like she couldn't care less.

In response to this my mom went: "I do care. I don't know what the heck im doing. I thought: 'give her space and she'll talk to you when she's ready', apparently I messed up. clearly everything i'm saying isn't helping. I don't care if you cut yourself, genuinely do whatever you want just tell us whenever you need to go to the hospital again and we'll take you." and then just like that her and my dad snapped RIGHT back to living their lifes as if the whole thing never happened, and my dad still didn't say a word about it once. My mom atleast showed some care once I confronted her but my dad did absolutely nothing.

I genuinely thought with this that they'd be so freaked out. That they'd react with care and panic as any good normal parent would. I know what happened wasnt life threatening at all because i'm educated on it and stuff but to the average person who doesn't know that then seeing what my parents saw should've scared them shitless. Their lack of reaction is beyond unfathomable to me.

And this makes me think about other stuff too. I'm not suicidal right now but I was from when I was 10 all the way throughout my teenage years. I never ever tried attempting because if I made a genuine attempt and it failed then it's most of the time very obvious- like there are after effects that are unhideable and I thought my parents would make my life an absolute living hell if they found out I tried to kill myself, but seeing that they were completely unphased about my self harm- telling me they don't care, to do whatever I want, and immediately continuing back to their lives just like that now makes me wonder if if I attempted suicide and failed and it was obvious I had tried to kill myself then I don't think they'd give a shit whatsoever, AND if I was successful then I also don't think they'd give a shit. I know that last part's more off but genuinely I don't think they'd care as much as I used to think they would.

And about the psychiatrist- my mom's waiting to ask about it in the middle of august when I have a random appointment for a blood test because it's "in the same building" and so it's convenient for her since that way she wont have to go out of her way to call them- as if I'm not even worth 2 minutes of her stupid time to make one call to secure help for me. The doctors repeatedly told my parents how serious this was and how I needed to be urgently seen and yet my mom is waiting TWO months. I was meant to be seen in less than 2 weeks for crying out loud.

And besides, even when I do get seen then it's very unlikely my parents will follow through with getting me to any follow up appointments whatsoever or take me to get potential medication, and if I do get said medication then they're not gonna secure any refills whatsoever once I need them cause that's too much work for them, and if the medication doesn't work and I need to discuss a new medication with my psychiatrist then that just wont happen either. Everything feels so completely hopeless.

TW talk in regards of deeper sh, not with any super specific details though

Ive been escalating like crazy with my self harm over just this past month but I didn't think anything of it because I'm pretty much desensitized to most depths due to media exposure.

I relapsed again last night and cut much deeper than I ever have and the seriousness of what i'm doing is kinda actually hitting me now. I was looking at it and it genuinely looks like some freaky shit you'd see on a gore site, idek I feel so weird now.. I always want deeper cuts and my brain usually romanticizes it but it's not cool at all it's really not..

I'm basically not even letting the thought of what I did to myself pass my mind cause otherwise i'm genuinely gonna have a panic attack thinking about infection possibility and stuff.. god I hope it doesn't get infected. I hate how desensitized I am, something really really bad could happen but the reality of it still wont hit me because im just too desensitized. I wish I didn't have to wait until something life threatening happens as a result of my sh for the reality to set in. This is all genuinely so beyond fucked up.

does anyone else like just randomly making little videos of their day sometimes? I'm not talking about if you're actually a youtuber but rather just purely randomly. I was just watching a video where someone made one of those aesthetic vlogs and it got me all excited and now I wanna make an aesthetic productive vlog hehehe. I normally do something like this only like once every few years but when I move out honestly i'd be very likely to make my own youtube channel

Im so happy I found this sub, the r/teenagers sub looks so fun and I was so bummed I didn't find out about it until I was too old. On that sub the posts are SUPER random, like people post just absolutely everything besides like nsfw obviously. Is anything allowed here aswell as long as it doesn't go against the specified rules?

sh is so stupid and so fucking boring idek why I do it. The whole process takes like 3 hours cause I have to be insanely fucking slow as hell when opening bandages and shit so people wont hear and find out cause the packaging is so fucking loud its so annoying ughh. Like I mean I don't feel worse or better rn after relapsing I just feel completely the same but like I had urges for weeks like that's insane that it didn't do shit, this is how it is everytime but yk... and like imagine if people *did* find out cause like im just accustomed to sh now, desensitized, like I dont give a shit its like meh i'll do it or meh I won't. Like sometimes i'd be absolutely fucking not ok and sh'd a lot during those times but like im really fine now and idk why im ranting about this cause no one even knows. It just feels like everytime I relapse there's like such a **huge** chance of everyone finding out like it's such an insane risk everytime but maybe i'm just overthinking it