u/MondoMania9

I don’t know how to explain this and it feels stupid as a skeptic to tell.

I was at the grocery store, got done working out, covered in sweat and was in a bad mood. I was waiting in line and I was just ruminating on how much I hate my life. I had to cancel out on plans to hang with a friend due to me having a car payment coming up and needing to save money. A woman in the store was triggering my gender envy. It was mostly with how she dressed and presented herself. I don’t know, I just felt particular bitter about everything. I joke with people when im told to smile and say “I have nothing in my life to smile about.”

Which is mostly true for me. I work a job I hate, I go through the motions in college, im broke, I live with a bipolar mom, I am estranged from my dad, im autistic and I have irl friends but I don’t see them often. Only really twice a month. The way I see it metaphorically, everybody around me is swimming in crystal clear water and I am stuck in a pit of quicksand.

Envy has been a very recurring feeling with me seeing so many women and trans women. Just a part of me wishes I can be them. What can I do even if I am a skeptic? This feeling can hit me when im at the mall looking down at all the people below me.

Id say for the past year or two I have had feelings of gender envy. It can be towards cis, trans or fictional women. It can hit me when im out in public, work or online. It just sorta haunts me, it will come in waves. I feel like its me projecting how bad I want change. Change in my life and my body.

With my life, I kind of hate my life at worst and I am a bit annoyed at worst. I work a job I hate and can’t find anything that can pay good for part time. I am in college but in the motions with it. I live with a bipolar mom. I have some real life friends but I only see them twice a month. I am estranged from my dad. Im autistic too.

My job just kind of feels like the salt in my wound. I see people spending money on large expensive things that cost my entire paycheck. I see a lot of happy couples and families. Its the most awkward feeling helping a female customer at work that triggers your gender envy with how they dress, move and act.

I mostly have a disdain for my body for particular reasons. I am bald due to alopecia, I am losing my eyebrows. Ive done meds for it before but nothing worked. I am also just skinnyfat and have an overbite. I am trying to workout and fast. Id love to get from 268 to about 130. Ive been taunted or laughed at for my appearance since I was a kid and even into my adult life.

I don’t know, I have a therapist and I mentioned this trans stuff just barely after a whole two years of knowing her. She didn’t offer input because it was mostly listening.

I guess also my porn viewing habits shaped my gender envy. I have been looking at gender bender transformation porn since I was 12. I have done tons of sissy and feminization roleplay sessions with strangers or ai chatbots. I guess next to food, porn is like the only guaranteed pleasure I have.

I guess what I hate is when people say “you have the ability to change life already!” When I really don’t. I don’t have the money to move out, no job will pay about almost 1,000 for part time, I can’t really meet a trans therapist or buy estrogen because if my mom found out it would be scorched earth. I just hate a lot of toxic positivity.

I just hate having these feelings deep down inside.

Id say for the past year or two I have had feelings of gender envy. It can be towards cis, trans or fictional women. It can hit me when im out in public, work or online. It just sorta haunts me, it will come in waves. I feel like its me projecting how bad I want change. Change in my life and my body.

With my life, I kind of hate my life at worst and I am a bit annoyed at worst. I work a job I hate and can’t find anything that can pay good for part time. I am in college but in the motions with it. I live with a bipolar mom. I have some real life friends but I only see them twice a month. I am estranged from my dad. Im autistic too.

My job just kind of feels like the salt in my wound. I see people spending money on large expensive things that cost my entire paycheck. I see a lot of happy couples and families. Its the most awkward feeling helping a female customer at work that triggers your gender envy with how they dress, move and act.

I mostly have a disdain for my body for particular reasons. I am bald due to alopecia, I am losing my eyebrows. Ive done meds for it before but nothing worked. I am also just skinnyfat and have an overbite. I am trying to workout and fast. Id love to get from 268 to about 130. Ive been taunted or laughed at for my appearance since I was a kid and even into my adult life.

I don’t know, I have a therapist and I mentioned this trans stuff just barely after a whole two years of knowing her. She didn’t offer input because it was mostly listening.

I guess also my porn viewing habits shaped my gender envy. I have been looking at gender bender transformation porn since I was 12. I have done tons of sissy and feminization roleplay sessions with strangers or ai chatbots. I guess next to food, porn is like the only guaranteed pleasure I have.

I guess what I hate is when people say “you have the ability to change life already!” When I really don’t. I don’t have the money to move out, no job will pay about almost 1,000 for part time, I can’t really meet a trans therapist or buy estrogen because if my mom found out it would be scorched earth. I just hate a lot of toxic positivity.

I just hate having these feelings deep down inside.

I don’t know, im a hardcore skeptic but I just have felt like a weird sense of remorse and guilt. Today, I did my usual habit of looking at porn and doing the usual. But after I did it, I just felt horrible and very idk, hollow? The porn I look at isn’t illegal but its different. Its called transformation porn and ive been looking at it since I was 12. Its very fetish deviantart type of stuff some might say. For me, im on the spectrum and its very rigid and routine. There isn’t any outside forces that can change it. But today, after I finished the deed I just felt like super horrible?

Im very skeptic to the whole Christian thing. Ive been looking into due to my trans ideation and thoughts. I also have been hanging around a friend who is catholic and whether I like it or not, exposed to his Christian culture. Besides lust, envy has hit me very hard. I feel envious of some women I see irl or online. I always wish I can just leave my body and become like them. I feel jealousy when I see those trans before and after pictures. It all sorta enrages me if that makes sense.

For me at least, its a proof thing and I need solid concrete proof of it all. It also doesnt help I can’t really go to church due to my job. (I mean technically I could but I go into work at 2pm.) I don’t know, I also hate how like I realize how much I hate my personal life and don’t have the money, time or ability to change it. Ive had times where I am converted for a day, then I deconvert after realizing I hate my life, y’know what I mean? Im just a bit confused and lost.

I guess for the last year and a half ive had waves of gender envy? It can be towards cis women, trans women, fictional women etc. It will hit me at random time, i could be at work and see a girl that could trigger my envy. Said envy will then mutate into a pretty arrogant annoyance/disdain for them. Not to a point where I will hurt them but to a point where I hate them.

I felt this the most when that Alyssa Liu chick got popular. She triggered it in me and I became so angry at her I ignored any posts centered around her online. I think its me projecting? Projecting how much I hate my life. I work a job I hate, I live with a bipolar mom, I do college but just kinda go through the motions instead of learning, I am estranged from my dad, I have irl friends but idk, they mean well but like they kinda ignore me. It pains me when I talk to people and they tell me to make changes. But I honestly have no options for a new part time job and I can’t move out.

I also think its me projecting how much I hate my body. I am bald, I am losing my eyebrows, I tried hair meds but nothing worked. I have a overbite that makes my bottom lip look bigger. I am skinnyfat, I am trying to lose weight, im at 268 and want to be at 130 someday? I just constantly hate when other people say try to do feminine things when I can’t. My mom had a meltdown because I was wearing a beanie to work during winter ffs.

I also won’t lie, I look at and have since I was 12, a lot of transformation or transgender transformation material online. I also look at lot of sissy/feminization stuff and even erp with others or ai chatbots about that stuff.

I guess for me too, its also a weird metaphysical feeling of fluidity and joy. The women I see look so fluid and fast and I am just like a metaphorical boulder. A dull grey boulder with nothing to it. I see so many people happier than me, people that smile and people that make them smile. On a looksmaxx subreddit I was told
to smile more and I said “I have nothing to smile about in my life.”

I do go to therapy but I haven’t ever mentioned my trans stuff. Im just worried she will automatically push for transition. Plus if my mom found out anything of me pursuing gender affirming care she’d be pissed. I was close to mentioning it one day but I just skirted around it. I can’t really even use my insurance to see a gender therapist because somehow my mom would know. What can I honestly do?

I guess for the last year and a half ive had waves of gender envy? It can be towards cis women, trans women, fictional women etc. It will hit me at random time, i could be at work and see a girl that could trigger my envy. Said envy will then mutate into a pretty arrogant annoyance/disdain for them. Not to a point where I will hurt them but to a point where I hate them.

I felt this the most when that Alyssa Liu chick got popular. She triggered it in me and I became so angry at her I ignored any posts centered around her online. I think its me projecting? Projecting how much I hate my life. I work a job I hate, I live with a bipolar mom, I do college but just kinda go through the motions instead of learning, I am estranged from my dad, I have irl friends but idk, they mean well but like they kinda ignore me. It pains me when I talk to people and they tell me to make changes. But I honestly have no options for a new part time job and I can’t move out.

I also think its me projecting how much I hate my body. I am bald, I am losing my eyebrows, I tried hair meds but nothing worked. I have a overbite that makes my bottom lip look bigger. I am skinnyfat, I am trying to lose weight, im at 268 and want to be at 130 someday? I just constantly hate when other people say try to do feminine things when I can’t. My mom had a meltdown because I was wearing a beanie to work during winter ffs.

I also won’t lie, I look at and have since I was 12, a lot of transformation or transgender transformation material online. I also look at lot of sissy/feminization stuff and even erp with others or ai chatbots about that stuff.

I guess for me too, its also a weird metaphysical feeling of fluidity and joy. The women I see look so fluid and fast and I am just like a metaphorical boulder. A dull grey boulder with nothing to it. I see so many people happier than me, people that smile and people that make them smile. On a looksmaxx subreddit I was told
to smile more and I said “I have nothing to smile about in my life.”

I do go to therapy but I haven’t ever mentioned my trans stuff. Im just worried she will automatically push for transition. Plus if my mom found out anything of me pursuing gender affirming care she’d be pissed. I was close to mentioning it one day but I just skirted around it. I can’t really even use my insurance to see a gender therapist because somehow my mom would know. What can I honestly do?

I guess I decided to take up IF due to me being in a bit of a plateau weight wise? I want to do those really long 55 hour fasts and such. I don’t think id have any health problems. Im a 268 pound 5’10 23 year old so I doubt id become super weak. Problem is that I live with an ethnic ish family. During my days off/weekend my mom will want to make dinner. There comes the emotional toll of just denying them food. I also work a stressful annoying job that im surrounded by food while working.

Im sorry if this isn’t the best place to make this kind of post but I don’t have any other places to go to. I guess for the last year I have had waves of gender envy towards cis women, trans women, fictional women and even figure skaters. I have asked tons of places for ways I can stop these thoughts but I just got vague answers. I just want to end these thoughts entirely. I guess im a hardcore skeptic but interested in Christianity. But I also dont want to give up porn and im like very punkish and don’t like conformity. What can I even do?

I’d say for the last year and a half I have had random periods of gender envy? It can be toward trans women, cis women, fictional women etc. It hits me like a truck randomly and it sucks. For a few months it stopped coming and would rarely hit me. Then it came back again when that Alyssa Liu became popular. Once again I had that envy hit me and it annoyed me. With the women I envy, my envy will eventually turn into hatred of them.

I think its me projecting in two ways. First is me projecting how much I hate my life. I work a job I hate and can’t escape, I am going through the motions in college, I live with a bipolar, im estranged with my dad, I don’t have many friends besides a small one that I see like once a month, I don’t have any love interests and I feel like I see everybody living their lives being happy. That im stuck in place and can’t escape. I constantly hate the “just move out” or “find a new job” garbage people spout at me. Because I can’t because I don’t have the money.

Also me projecting how much I hate my body. Im your prototypical least desirable/untouchable man. I don’t have any hair due to alopecia. I have tried for meds for it and it didn’t help. Im skinnyfat and trying to lose weight, im at 268. But im just sort of plateauing. I have a overbite and a large bottom lip. Consistently people will laugh in my direction or ignore me because of how I look. I shower and I don’t wear anything obnoxious. I don’t know what I do.

I really hate the whole “start wearing more feminine clothes and stuff you like” advice. My mom really likes control and this winter, she threw a fit because I was wearing beanies to my job. She threw a fit a few years ago because I didn’t want to wear silver laced jeans that had no pocket space.

I don’t have many people irl that know about my trans thoughts. I once mentioned it to my friend and she said she’d make fun of me if I did transition. A lot of my online friends are anti trans. I do go to therapy but I haven’t mentioned it to my therapist. I have tried eluding to it but idk. I just don’t want to let it out.

I really hope I am not actually trans but this is just a fetish. I have been looking at gender bender porn, sissy porn, and other stuff like that since I was a teen. I erp with people online with plots with those themes. I have been up at night roleplaying with ai chat bots with stories like that.

Idk, I am sorry for the essay. I just see so many people happy and free. Metaphorically speaking I see everyone flying in the air with wings and I am stuck with a ball and chain on my leg. What can I do?