u/Motor_Zombie9920

And deeply connected because of a void or unmeet need in you?and only to realize after years that you couldn’t be with this heavenly person that came into your life and made you feel all the good things because you cant accept her past. Sexual past.You would reject her or not make her a girlfriend but you were already attached to her when you find out and after that you just tried to keep holding onto her. You didn’t want to be out but you couldn’t stay either.And the strangest things is when all this dopaminergic feelings moves aside,you are left with these radical thoughts but still you were deeply attached and in love all this time.

While people are having small talks,shallow but real conversations,chit chats,geeks,laughs,conversations ; I see myself there expecting some attention,closeness,sincerity,companionship.When I question what I want from people or life,the answer is this.But why?This sets me up for upset and isolation and alienation.I can’t channel myself into the environment around me and have free expression there. Sometimes it is draining to act just for the sake of staying in social circle, simulating a belonging,invite other people to like me.But in this process I kinda lose myself to be honest because I’m kinda pretending.If I don’t pretend, I have to reveal this uninterest towards people,superiority-inferiority complex,egoistic,self centered,arrogant,perfectionist,an unpleasant person I feel like.What is this? This is where I alienate,isolate and as a result dont feel belonging.

But yeah still I cant stop seeking for deep connection,so I will be always in this loop then?You quit smoking and after some cravings you get used to it.But for this;what is the way? How do I do?

I can also simply visualize my habit of escaping into a safe place where this deep connection is available. If I am struggling to integrate myself into my environment,getting rejected,failing to participate or take place, I will be directing my route to where I feel close.my romantic partner who is I bond the same way.so yeah

While people are having small talks,shallow but real conversations,chit chats,geeks,laughs,conversations ; I see myself there expecting some attention,closeness,sincerity,companionship.When I question what I want from people or life,the answer is this.But why?This sets me up for upset and isolation and alienation.I can’t channel myself into the environment around me and have free expression there. Sometimes it is draining to act just for the sake of staying in social circle, simulating a belonging,invite other people to like me.But in this process I kinda lose myself to be honest because I’m kinda pretending.If I don’t pretend, I have to reveal this uninterest towards people,superiority-inferiority complex,egoistic,self centered,arrogant,perfectionist,an unpleasant person I feel like.What is this? This is where I alienate,isolate and as a result dont feel belonging.

But yeah still I cant stop seeking for deep connection,so I will be always in this loop then?You quit smoking and after some cravings you get used to it.But for this;what is the way? How do I do?

I can also simply visualize my habit of escaping into a safe place where this deep connection is available. If I am struggling to integrate myself into my environment,getting rejected,failing to participate or take place, I will be directing my route to where I feel close.my romantic partner who is I bond the same way.so yeah

My love is selfish,manipulative,victim for a potential healer.Sure I ll do everything to keep them in comfort,take care of them,because I am sensitive to that,thats why I need this live at first place.

No matter how strongly I am attached or connected to the person, I felt like a fraud.Being with people for the sake of meeting my needs,but not building a future or commitment. This was what happened for me because I was in love with two people,and no matter how much I loved them, there were things that I choose to not see for the sake of getting my needs.Then these things occurred to me again when I were to expect invest into the relationship.These things were something I dont like about their physical appearances,their past,their lifestyle difference.Things that in my mind creates the incompatibility.Then I am involuntarily seperating from them. I am still at some point attached to my ex.The happiness,joy,comfort,compassion,desire,connection,spirituality that she shared with me.Euphoria of that sexual satisfaction,desire,lust,connection.

But you see I am a fraud. I began relationship with them,because I was hungry and it felt heavenly.Now when I leave that attachment style, I am going to leave my role in there too. Maybe that what I am resisting too. Being seen, making approved my victim story in life,regulating myself through them.

I don’t want to detach from her.Yet there is a cycle I need to break.But God I loved her

When I see people who are full of life,social butterfly ,not necessarily overly social but just have the energy in them,their motivation to participate and connect,and create fun ,narratives, I envy them.

I envy that I dont have such motivation,just rather try to protect or draw an image of me which I will not be criticized or humiliated,and resulting as I am looking cold,tough,maybe arrogant even,quite,criticizing,ashamed.While people out there focus on regular ,daily,small,from life tasks;I got stuck with this existential pain that I shouldn’t have born to this purposeless life and suffer the pain I suffered. I am spending too much time on depth of things,over analyzing,being hypervigilant, seeking deep connection everywhere.

Is there a way I shift my energy from being this depressive and lifeless fella to a guy actually has willingness to live and assertive for his existence in the world and participate fully rather than being imprisoned in his mind?

When I see people who are full of life,social butterfly ,not necessarily overly social but just have the energy in them,their motivation to participate and connect,and create fun ,narratives, I envy them.

I envy that I dont have such motivation,just rather try to protect or draw an image of me which I will not be criticized or humiliated,and resulting as I am looking cold,tough,maybe arrogant even,quite,criticizing,ashamed.While people out there focus on regular ,daily,small,from life tasks;I got stuck with this existential pain that I shouldn’t have born to this purposeless life and suffer the pain I suffered. I am spending too much time on depth of things,over analyzing,being hypervigilant, seeking deep connection everywhere.

Is there a way I shift my energy from being this depressive and lifeless fella to a guy actually has willingness to live and assertive for his existence in the world and participate fully rather than being imprisoned in his mind?