u/NEON-_-6

Hey Dad... almost a year ago I told you were to become a grandparent. I know how much you wanted to. Now I see your birthday coming up in the calendar for next week. I'm dreading the day I'm gonna wake up and see it on my screen.

I just want to tell you that your grandson is growing up and learning so fast. He will be 4mo this Saturday and you would have loved this little one. As absurd as it sounds, he has your eyes. I still imagine from time to time that I call you with the news. He was born exactly 2 months after you passed away.

I really wanted you to see him and...us. I wanted you to listen to my problems as a first time mom and tell me how its not going to be easy, but I will get through it.

Anyways, I hope you're in a better place.

I miss you.

Haya, i recently started EP and i thought I will invest more money into a better pump. What i ended up buying is the Medela Solo Electric pump. However for the love of milk i cannot position it correctly. Or so i think...i barely get 1oz/30ml after 20 minutes. I checked the flange and it should be the right one. I dont have that special bra that helps you hold it to im using my hand to hold it in place, but it seems like i need to hold it at specific angle so it expresses.

Im more successful at expressing with my $10 cheap pump that doesn't even have the right flange. Idk what to do anymore, my baby is in a 3 month growth spurt, not gaining weight properly(got an appointment with the ped tomorrow) and idk what to do anymore. I make sure i feed him enough tho, but i really thought that by investing into a better pricier pump will make things better... but no.

Do you guys have some recommendations about this pump and how to position it?

Hi, im 26, f and i just need to say it somewhere or it will keep eating at me.

All my life ive lived longing for fathers love. Like the one you see in the movies. I grew up without one. There are so many actors and singers and idk random ppl, ive imagined being in the role of my dad. I basically grew up making up all those scenarios with different ppl, being my protective dad. I was severely abused by my mom, grandpa and grandma growing up.

At 14-15 i met my dad, strictly on business matter, i had to get my passport done so my mom met up with him. The reason he wasn't in my life is my mom and stepmom. He was in another country.

I visited him once for a week after that, it was amazing. Until i came home to my mom that proceeded to beat me up for the following week, just bc she thought that he had spoiled me way too much. (Gave me a couple of chocolates, for the record thats the spoiled part.) She made a huuuge scandal over this and i never saw him again until Jan 2024.

After that we started phoning each other from time to time. (His wife didnt want us to communicate and he wanted to keep their peace, which i respect. Its not like i can do much about it) He would call me in secret.

I have a couple of memories with him, but here is the thing.

My whole life ive been building myself with the idea of that "if" and what he would like if he was in my life. He is an ex military, hence, why i joined the army. I had a pair of his old boots, that i used to wear. I started liking guns, construction and other "man" things just because of him. Or actually MY own idea of what he would like and be proud of me. Even tho i never knew him and if he would actually care for those things.

The very little i got to know him, i learned that he is an amazing person and a really good soul, just life led to all this and i could see that he was really hurt and sorry.

With the way our conversations got i had this hope that some day he will get to know the actual me and be proud of me, love me and care for me, protect me and just be there for me. I would spend hours fantasizing over different scenarios where we would spend time together.

He also never learned about the abuse and he lived in a different country.

But he died in April. I was 8 months pregnant at that time (learned about in May, a month later.) I tried to hold it in for the sake of the baby, but 2 days later i got hospitalized. Everything was fine. The early contractions were stopped. The baby and i are okay. But i never got the chance to cry it out. I never let my self be sad over that. I still to this day cant let myself feel what i wanna feel about all that, cuz i would be a huge mess and i have this little one to take care of. Im depressed anyways.

Im crushed over the fact that those fantasies will never come true. He will never get to know me and i wont spend time with him anymore.

Last night i had a dream, not of him but just someone who i really felt, in my dream, like a father figure. \*It was Bobby from Supernatural🤣\*. He kissed me on the forehead and said "Thats my girl."proudly...it felt so warm, so good and so real. It felt like the comfort ive been longing for my whole life. Today, the whole day i cant shake this feeling. I can still feel it and it hurts so much, like its something real. I cant stop crying, cuz i know i will never have that. And all chances of that happening now are...zero.

All my life all i ever wanted was to feel that fatherly love.

I'm 25 days pp. My baby was born by c-section and my milk "came" on the 3rd day, but i feel like i had enough back then. Because it was so painful and i have really small nipples (i used nip covers in the hospital so my baby can latch) i used to pump in order to give him milk. The first few days I could get about 90ml in no time, but as soon as i got home the supply kept decreasing.

I'm currently drinking some special teas to help me lactate and I'm also taking L@ctil as a supplement so it can boost my milk.

I'm also trying to have at least 3 meals a day, I'm still 10kg more before i got pregnant so i still have some pregnancy fat.

I'm pumping every time after i feed him for 15-20 mins each breast and I'm barely getting 30ml out (both).

My nipples are so sore even after the creams I'm putting on. I feel like I'm doing everything i can find on the internet and my milk still decreases. I'm feeling like sh@t bc i really want to breastfeed him, but i cant fully do that. Sometimes i feed him for 2h straight, just switching breasts and his still hungry after that.

Up until yesterday i could at least keep him breast milk fed until his later feedings (after 6pm) without giving him formula after that, but now i have to give him some extra even in the mornings. I don't even feel my breasts that tender anymore. I can't stop thinking about all that and feel so guilty and bad.

Has anyone been thru something similar and were you able to start producing more? Idk i need some advice...i don't really know what to do anymore.

Thank you all in advance!