I can do this once a week and it always comes back. I'm on medications that make my mouth really dry but drinking doesn't help. As you can see my tongue also doesn't look the best but I promise I'm brushing my teeth lol.
I also get "normal" bites that don't look like I'm growing a new body part.
But sometimes I get bitten and overnight it starts hurting and itching like hell. It looks like an allergic reaction but why am I only allergic to some of the mosquitos? (And I know for sure that it's not from a horsefly or a wasp etc.)
I had a moment two days ago where my brain and memories just went "click" and everything started to make sense all of a sudden.
I'm female, currently 23 years old and I've suffered from mental health problems for years.
There's a lot to unpack but the main problems are depression, an eating disorder, OCD, trust issues, addiction, ADHD (currently not too sure anymore because of the recent memories) and some "minor" issues when it comes to living/managing my life in general.
I can't even begin to describe the emotions and feelings I'm currently experiencing. I think for you to understand everything I need to explain what made me understand that I was SAed as a child and why I'm so certain it happened. (Again: Trigger warning) Also I'm not fluent in English and currently very confused, so please excuse any typos or wrong usage of words..
---------
I've always had one specific nightmare as a child;
I always felt like I was floating hundreds of meters above myself - I couldn't "feel" anything because it was like there were layers of clothing between me and everything (kinda like I was wearing hundreds of gloves idk how to explain it).
I woke up crying and feeling horrible and went to my mom instantly for her to comfort me (this was mainly around the age of 5-15, but still happens to this day). The only thing I remember from this dream is that I was floating, feeling *extremely* overwhelmed and that my mom was being really disappointed with me.
I remember that I told her about the dream every time but when I asked her about it she just said that I was not making sense and that she didn't understand what I was saying. I kind of believed her but it made me mad because I really didn't understand why this dream kept happening to me and I needed answers.
So two days ago I was feeling really bad and not myself so I went to bed and closed my eyes, trying to escape this weird feeling. And suddenly I started flying again (this happened from time to time but I always fought this feeling since it made me feel uncomfortable and sick).
I decided to not fight it this time and just let it "overwhelm" me. So my body kept flying higher and higher; the last time I've felt this disconnected to myself was when I was a little child having this nightmare.
And then it hit me with the first thought: "_I'm experiencing Derealization!_"
Since I've been to therapy because of my ED, I know about that but never thought that this is the feeling which I've been experiencing since childhood but it was SO obvious all of a sudden.
Then my mind went: "_Why...? Why would I experience this as a child..?_"
.....
"_Because those "sighs" mom makes in this dream aren't sighs. She is moaning._"
And then my world collapsed. It was all very clear all of a sudden, and I still don't understand why I couldn't make this connection any sooner because OF COURSE she was not sighing in disappointment - it was something else completely and I only understood that after more than 20 years.
I've only ever read about people dreaming of traumatic events that happened to them and was always very confused how they wouldn't know that it was a memory and not just a dream - turns out I've been fooled by my mind as well.
-----------
My current questions and my biggest fear right now;
*What exactly happened to me? Was I part of whatever was going on there? Was I just the observer when my mom and dad had intercourse (which would be the best alternative but still fucked up)?*
My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. And my relationship with my dad was always very complicated and messy because of his interpretation of what it means to accomplish something and have success in life. My mom and I are really close - she knows EVERYTHING about me and my life. She's been the one person who I could count on for decades - always supporting my choices and helping me with my diagnosis and much more. And she was always clueless: "I don't know what made you this way and I feel so responsible" "I'm such a bad mom" "I wish I could reverse the mistakes I made".
I never understood because overall she was a caring mom (her punishments were always restricted to slapping me and my brother on the butt with her shoe, not allowing us to eat sweets or play video games) and she tried her best to stand straight for her mistakes after I told her what probably caused my health issues.
When I was older she started to talk to me about my dad and that he had a problem (more like an addiction tbh) with sex. She told me that she only got pregnant with me because she needed to be off birth control (health issues) and my dad refused to wear protection and didn't want to stop having sex for those few weeks.
So now comes the more fucked up part about myself;
I've had my first orgasm when I was 7y.o. by mistake - I was climbing a pole and the this "weird" but addicting feeling came over me. I obviously didn't understand but I was hooked immediately. I started penetrating myself with doors, wardrobes, bedframes (pretty much anything where I could grab onto and get this amazing feeling that filled me up with dopamine). I've been filled with shame and couldn't talk to anyone about this for years. In all honesty - I've had at least one orgasm for EVERY WEEK OF MY LIFE since I've been 7 years old. No breaks, not being able to stop. I still masturbate almost every day. The longest I've ever went without it was probably like 5 days. So it's my longest and most shameful addiction that I've had for 17 years now.
I don't know if this is connected directly to the SA but I know that this "kick" of dopamine was probably the only thing that prevented me from experiencing emotional death at this young age (I've always looked for those "kicks" and still am - but I thought it was connected to adhd).
There's still *a lot* more (sexual behavior, my relationship with my dad, my OCD behavior,...,) but I'm still not sure what is connected and what is just a coincidence. Also this thread is already way too long as it is right now.
-----------
My main problem right now and where I would like to have some help is:
- How should I interact with my mom now? I'm scared that she is the "main villain" in my story and I don't know if I would be able to handle this. She lives 500km away so I would only be able to confront her via telephone and I can't do this atm.
- I'm also not in therapy and can't find a therapist (I've been looking for more than 4 years). I'm from Germany so if there are any Germans that know what to do ( I can't go into a clinic atm - the next possibility would be in two months) and if there is someone that can help me - I would be happy to receive advice!
- How can I live with this information now? I've been questioning EVERYTHING since that moment - every act of intimacy with my boyfriend, every message from my mom, every negative experience. I feel like my mind is collapsing. I would be happy for *any* help/advice, that makes me able to deal with this in some way...
Thank you for taking your time and reading this. If you don't feel like answering I would also be happy if you could interact with this post in any way so that I don't feel as alone anymore. *Anything* will help me right now. Thank you!!!!
-------------
Summary:
- been SA'ed as a child/baby - probably by my mom/dad or both (maybe(hopefully) "only" been present when they had intercourse/ when he SA'ed my mom)
- not being able to handle this information (been in Derealization since I found out two days ago)
- connecting/questioning everything bad that has ever happened to me (such as: addiction, masturbation since 7 y.o., ED, depression, OCD, relationships, sexual behavior)
- need help dealing with this and find someone to talk to within Germany
I had a moment two days ago where my brain and memories just went "click" and everything started to make sense all of a sudden.
I'm female, currently 23 years old and I've suffered from mental health problems for years.
There's a lot to unpack but the main problems are depression, an eating disorder, OCD, trust issues, addiction, ADHD (currently not too sure anymore because of the recent memories) and some "minor" issues when it comes to living/managing my life in general.
I can't even begin to describe the emotions and feelings I'm currently experiencing. I think for you to understand everything I need to explain what made me understand that I was SAed as a child and why I'm so certain it happened. (Again: Trigger warning) Also I'm not fluent in English and currently very confused, so please excuse any typos or wrong usage of words..
__________
I've always had one specific nightmare as a child;
I always felt like I was floating hundreds of meters above myself - I couldn't "feel" anything because it was like there were layers of clothing between me and everything (kinda like I was wearing hundreds of gloves idk how to explain it).
I woke up crying and feeling horrible and went to my mom instantly for her to comfort me (this was mainly around the age of 5-15, but still happens to this day). The only thing I remember from this dream is that I was floating, feeling *extremely* overwhelmed and that my mom was being really disappointed with me.
I remember that I told her about the dream every time but when I asked her about it she just said that I was not making sense and that she didn't understand what I was saying. I kind of believed her but it made me mad because I really didn't understand why this dream kept happening to me and I needed answers.
So two days ago I was feeling really bad and not myself so I went to bed and closed my eyes, trying to escape this weird feeling. And suddenly I started flying again (this happened from time to time but I always fought this feeling since it made me feel uncomfortable and sick).
I decided to not fight it this time and just let it "overwhelm" me. So my body kept flying higher and higher; the last time I've felt this disconnected to myself was when I was a little child having this nightmare.
And then it hit me with the first thought: "_I'm experiencing Derealization!_"
Since I've been to therapy because of my ED, I know about that but never thought that this is the feeling which I've been experiencing since childhood but it was SO obvious all of a sudden.
Then my mind went: "_Why...? Why would I experience this as a child..?_"
.....
"_Because those "sighs" mom makes in this dream aren't sighs. She is moaning._"
And then my world collapsed. It was all very clear all of a sudden, and I still don't understand why I couldn't make this connection any sooner because OF COURSE she was not sighing in disappointment - it was something else completely and I only understood that after more than 20 years.
I've only ever read about people dreaming of traumatic events that happened to them and was always very confused how they wouldn't know that it was a memory and not just a dream - turns out I've been fooled by my mind as well.
______
My current questions and my biggest fear right now;
*What exactly happened to me? Was I part of whatever was going on there? Was I just the observer when my mom and dad had intercourse (which would be the best alternative but still fucked up)?*
My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. And my relationship with my dad was always very complicated and messy because of his interpretation of what it means to accomplish something and have success in life. My mom and I are really close - she knows EVERYTHING about me and my life. She's been the one person who I could count on for decades - always supporting my choices and helping me with my diagnosis and much more. And she was always clueless: "I don't know what made you this way and I feel so responsible" "I'm such a bad mom" "I wish I could reverse the mistakes I made".
I never understood because overall she was a caring mom (her punishments were always restricted to slapping me and my brother on the butt with her shoe, not allowing us to eat sweets or play video games) and she tried her best to stand straight for her mistakes after I told her what probably caused my health issues.
When I was older she started to talk to me about my dad and that he had a problem (more like an addiction tbh) with sex. She told me that she only got pregnant with me because she needed to be off birth control (health issues) and my dad refused to wear protection and didn't want to stop having sex for those few weeks.
So now comes the more fucked up part about myself;
I've had my first orgasm when I was 7y.o. by mistake - I was climbing a pole and the this "weird" but addicting feeling came over me. I obviously didn't understand but I was hooked immediately. I started penetrating myself with doors, wardrobes, bedframes (pretty much anything where I could grab onto and get this amazing feeling that filled me up with dopamine). I've been filled with shame and couldn't talk to anyone about this for years. In all honesty - I've had at least one orgasm for EVERY WEEK OF MY LIFE since I've been 7 years old. No breaks, not being able to stop. I still masturbate almost every day. The longest I've ever went without it was probably like 5 days. So it's my longest and most shameful addiction that I've had for 17 years now.
I don't know if this is connected directly to the SA but I know that this "kick" of dopamine was probably the only thing that prevented me from experiencing emotional death at this young age (I've always looked for those "kicks" and still am - but I thought it was connected to adhd).
There's still *a lot* more (sexual behavior, my relationship with my dad, my OCD behavior,...,) but I'm still not sure what is connected and what is just a coincidence. Also this thread is already way too long as it is right now.
______
My main problem right now and where I would like to have some help is:
- How should I interact with my mom now? I'm scared that she is the "main villain" in my story and I don't know if I would be able to handle this. She lives 500km away so I would only be able to confront her via telephone and I can't do this atm.
- I'm also not in therapy and can't find a therapist (I've been looking for more than 4 years). I'm from Germany so if there are any Germans that know what to do ( I can't go into a clinic atm - the next possibility would be in two months) and if there is someone that can help me - I would be happy to receive advice!
- How can I live with this information now? I've been questioning EVERYTHING since that moment - every act of intimacy with my boyfriend, every message from my mom, every negative experience. I feel like my mind is collapsing. I would be happy for *any* help/advice, that makes me able to deal with this in some way...
Thank you for taking your time and reading this. If you don't feel like answering I would also be happy if you could interact with this post in any way so that I don't feel as alone anymore. *Anything* will help me right now. Thank you!!!!
________
Summary:
- been SA'ed as a child/baby - probably by my mom/dad or both (maybe(hopefully) "only" been present when they had intercourse/ when he SA'ed my mom)
- not being able to handle this information (been in Derealization since I found out two days ago)
- connecting/questioning everything bad that has ever happened to me (such as: addiction, masturbation since 7 y.o., ED, depression, OCD, relationships, sexual behavior)
- need help dealing with this and find someone to talk to within Germany
Seitdem ich Elvanse (erst 50mg jetzt 70mg) nehme, merke ich, dass ich viele Bereiche meines Lebens anders angehe und manage.
Ich würde nicht per se sagen, dass ich sonderlich produktiver oder engagierter bin als vorher, aber wenn ich mal etwas dringendes wirklich machen *muss*, schaffe ich das deutlich einfacher als davor.
Es ist immer noch viel "last minute Handeln" aber irgendwie organisierter und nicht so auslaugend. Auf der Arbeit merke ich, dass der Stress mich nicht mehr so persönlich trifft und dass ich generell neutraler Entscheidung treffen kann, die nicht von meinen Emotionen gesteuert werden.
Ich nehme Elvanse jetzt fast ein Jahr und immer wieder sagen mir Leute: "Naja, das ist ja nicht für immer" oder "Gibt es denn überhaupt keine Langzeitschäden, du wirst das doch sicher nur solange nehmen, bis du ohne die Medikamente besser klar kommst?".
Werde ich das? Kann ich das? Woher soll ich wissen, wann der richtige Zeitpunkt ist um mich von dieser Unterstützung zu verabschieden?
Die Fragen verunsichern mich und die Aussage mit den Langzeitschäden ("das sind ja immernoch Amphetamine, die du dir da jeden Tag reinknallst!") macht mir ehrlicherweise auch ein wenig Angst.
Gibt es denn Menschen hier, die irgendwann gemerkt haben, dass es keine Lösung für immer ist und es deswegen abgesetzt haben? Wie geht es euch jetzt?
Und gibt es denn wirkliche nachgewiesene Probleme, die auftreten können?
Schreibt mir gerne mal eure Gedanken dazu auf und vor allem auch was euer langfristiger Plan mit euren ADHS Medikamenten ist.
Hey there. I (23/F) just joined this sub, so I'm sorry if something like this has been asked before...
I don't want this post to be a complete rant about my journey and struggle with HS but I'm at a stage right now where I'm just CONFUSED/MAD.
I got diagnosed with HS when I was 16 years old. I had the typical inflammations and cysts between my thighs that kept coming back - even after operating.
I recently discovered that every "pimple" in my face is also filled with dozens if not hundreds of vellus hairs and that my so-called "akne" isn't what it seems like.
I've also always had pili multigemini (multiple hairs coming out of one follicle - I don't have a diagnosis but it's pretty obvious because almost every hair comes with at least 2-3 "partners").
What I'm currently questioning is my actual diagnosis - and if there's even treatment for it...
I've had operations (even in my face but I'm pretty sure that my surgeon had no clue what he was dealing with because I didn't even know myself back then that this wasn't a scar/abzess. My whole cheek (probably both sides and probably my whole face) is filled with vellushaircysts that are connected with each other), I've taken medications and right now I'm using Skinoren and Differin gel which is supposedly for akne - I'm from Germany those names are probably not the same brand names for everyone.
So my question - what exactly could be going on and why tf is no one/nothing really helping??
My dermatologist just looked at my skin for a short second and didn't do anything. My surgeon didn't even mention what he had found in my face and my other doctors never seemed to care that much to advise me what to do.
I'm 23 years old and I still have those acne like spots on my face, my back, my butt and also noticed that every "razor bump" is a small vellushaircysts (or HS?!) (I can also send pictures and videos if someone is interested in what is going on here).
Is HS just a combination of every possible genetic defect that impacts your follicles? Could those "fistula tracts" also be that far under my skin that they are not that visible from the outside? Every time I pick a hole in my fave/body (don't come for me please) it keeps getting deeper and it just doesn't seem to end (it's mostly vellus hair and keratin that is coming out of those spots). Everything is connected under my skin and it scares me not knowing how deep it actually goes.
If anyone has experienced something similar or maybe has any information regarding this topic, I would be very happy for your response! And I can also add pictures and/or videos into this thread or the comments if you're interested.
Thank you for your time and please excuse any typos or grammar errors since this isn't my first language and I refuse to use AI to help me write xD
Es gibt mehrere Kameras, die den Eingang und auch einen kleinen Teil des Bürgersteigs des Wohnungskomplexes filmen, in welchem ich wohne.
Es ist kein Schild o.ä angebracht, welches darauf aufmerksam macht, dass hier gefilmt wird.
Wir als Mieter haben zudem nie etwas unterschrieben, dass wir den Aufzeichnungen zustimmen (ich weiß nicht ob das relevant ist.
Mein Hauptproblem; die Verwaltung sitzt in einer anderen Stadt und hat über eine Fremdfirma (die auch in einer anderen Stadt sitzt) einen Haustechniker eingestellt, der der einzige Mitarbeiter der Fremdfirma in unserer Stadt ist.
Ich weiß, dass in seinem Büro (er hat es mir gezeigt) mehrere Bildschirme angebracht sind, auf welchen er die Aufnahmen live verfolgen und überwachen kann.
Dieser Mann hat mich schon öfter in meiner Wohnung sexuell belästigt, nachdem mein Mann das Haus verlassen hat (sehr oft um 6-7uhr unangekündigt geklingelt, mich gefragt wieso ich nicht nackt bin, mein Aussehen anzüglich kommentiert, unangemessen berührt und mir anzügliche Sprachnachrichten geschickt). Ich denke er ist anfang 60 - ich bin mitte 20.
Außerdem habe ich eine Sprachnachricht von ihm, in welcher er mir sagt, dass er schon zu Hause sei, aber mir parallel die Aktivitäten der Kameras vorliest (es ging um ein verschwundenes Paket und er hat mir gesagt, dass er nur sich selbst und den Hausmeister ein- und ausgehen sieht).
Ist das legal? Also erstmal die Kamera und dann, dass er 24h am Tag Zugriff auf die Live-Übertragung der Kameras hat? (Es gibt mehrere, da es ein komplettes Eckhaus mit inkludiertem Büro ist, welches aber einen anderen Eingang hat).
Ich habe der Verwaltung am Wochenende eine ziemlich lange beschwerde Mail geschickt, in welcher ich mich vor allem auf die sexuelle Belästigung aber auch auf die rechtsfrage der Kameras bezogen habe.
Könnt ihr mir vielleicht sagen, falls hier ein Gesetz verstoßen wird, welches das ist und wo ich die § dazu finden kann?
Ich bitte um dringende Hilfe, da ich gerne wissen möchte, ob hier eine Straftat begonnen wird, bevor ich ggf. rechtliche Schritte einleite oder einen Anwalt kontaktiere. Vielen dank!