u/Newworldrevolution

Pretty much the only thing I think about constantly every day is dating. And in particular how I'm almost 28 and I've never had a real girlfriend. Had sex twice (no p in v so it doesn't even count for most people). All I can think about is that. The problem is that I have friends and hobbies and a job. I hike I play DnD I like woodworking and even men's fashion (kinda a little bit).

But I don't think about those things unless I'm actively doing it. In fact I mostly think about dating when I'm working or participating in a hobby. It doesn't seem to matter how busy I am the moment I get even a little alone time it's back to obsessing about my pathetic dating life. Everyone tells me to get hobbies and focus on that not dating but the truth is having hobbies hasn't helped me not focus on it. I think that's because no matter what I do I see couples everywhere and I'm reminded of what I'm missing

(don't tell me that comparison is the theft of joy I've heard it a million times and it hasn't fixed me so save it. Also Yes I know not all relationships are as good as they seem on the surface but I don't go around assuming everyone is in a toxic relationship and at the same time most of them are probably good)

I want to know how a hobby is supposed to stop me from worrying about the omnipresent hole in my life. I can't just choose to focus on something else. Thoughts aren't something you just control. And believe me I've tried.

I've considered using a cuddling service but it would just be the ultimate proof that I need to pay for what almost everyone on earth gets for free.

For a long time I believed that I was a good empathetic person. However I recently realized that I'm not actually empathetic I'm just a people pleaser who is toxic trying to be as perfect as possible to manipulate people. Something I didn't realize before. Of course it makes sense because I don't have any genuinely good qualities and I haven't done anything good in my life. So I subconsciously try to be perfect to create that tiny bit of dopamine that comes from having people like me.

So how do I stop people pleasing without becoming a narcissist who only cares about himself.

Edit: I think I need to be more clear it's not that I can't say no it's that I desperately want to make people around me like me and avoid hurting people at all costs so I avoid conflict.

I keep seeing people saying that they got set up with girls by their friends but that's never happened to me. I have friends but not once have they offered to set me up with someone. How do I indicate that I'm interested in meeting someone without letting them know that I want a girlfriend in the first place?

There are no accommodations in the real world. I'm at a massive disadvantage professionally because of my shitty handwriting. I feel like if I had just been told to work harder and get over my disabilities I would be in a better place. Same with ADHD and Autism. I wish that people hadn't told me that I was actually smart and that there was nothing wrong with me. Because at the end of the day nobody really has empathy for disabled people. Not really just contempt. Sure would I have been even more traumatized in school. Yes. But I was traumatized in the workplace after college.

It doesn't matter how loud or how good it is any type of singing whistling or music it is I get super irritated when I hear it. I'm not doing anything to stop it but I automatically get in a bad mood and try to get away and start thinking a lot of negative thoughts about that person. I feel like a villain in a musical and it makes me hate myself afterwards. Am I overreacting by not being more positive about it?

I can't spell I can't write well I hate myself whenever I see my own handwriting. I write on the level of a middle schooler if not worse. How am I supposed to do things like take notes or journal when using paper makes me feel like I'm to stupid to be alive.

It feels like a lot of nurotypical people will get really upset when you take stuff literally. It seems like there is some hidden message or subtext in everything they say that's supposed to be obvious to me. And they get upset when you ask for clarification, call you stupid or childish just because you don't automatically know exactly what they mean.

I don't treat my parents the same way I treat my friends or coworkers or acquaintances. So when you say "treat women like people". That doesn't really tell me anything. I always interpreted it as "treat a woman your on a date with or interested in dating the exact same as if she was someone you had no interest in dating" but that obviously doesn't work so I'm kinda stuck. I feel like there is something obvious that I'm missing.

How do I get around how stressful "pampering myself" is

Basically a large amount of advice I get when talking about my chronic and constant self doubt is to "love myself". When I ask for specifics about what that means they say stuff like.

"Nourish your body and stay hydrated".

go through all the stress of cooking meals, getting the recipes wrong, dealing with all the unwanted advice and criticism I get from my family whenever I use the kitchen, and then get yelled at because I forgot to clean everything up. Not even mentioning how stressful it can feel to have to constantly measure all your nutrient intake and avoiding comfort foods that aren't healthy. Plus hydration is good but it's still stressful.

"Take care of your hygiene"

Taking care of hygiene involves a lot of working and unpleasant feelings such as brushing teeth, showering, putting on sunscreen, and other stuff that's either unpleasant or painful.

"increases your confidence by being well groomed and wearing good clothes".

That is so complicated there are so many constantly changing things to consider in fashion and it's so stressful to keep track of it all. This includes grooming. Also a lot of stuff under grooming is stressful and messy and gross. For example I hate shaving because I see all those gross little hairs afterwards. Plus with both fashion and grooming it's so stressful to think about because I'm constantly worried I did something wrong without knowing it.

"Go to the gym and work out"

First of all I'm worried about being recorded and judged, next of all I just don't feel comfortable being watched while working out. I'm worried about being being around gross sweety people. And being around naked men in the locker room. I'm also worried about using public showers.

And even outside of the gym I always feel like I'm not working hard enough and that if I was real dedicated I would be working harder

And probably the most stressful of all,

"meditate and practice mindfulness."

I don't know why this is so stressful for me but sometimes attempting to meditate literally sends me into a rage. I don't know what it is but it's usually very very unpleasant.

This feels like all those times my dad would tell me he has an idea for something fun I can do and it turns out to be unpaid hard labor and he's pissed at me for not having a good attitude about it.

How do you take care of yourself when taking care of yourself is triggering?

After meditating I feel nothing but failure and boredom. I can't stop my mind from wandering I can't bring it back (still not sure how that is supposed to work) Not even mentioning that I missed about half the days this week because I'm lazy and have no executive functioning skills.

Can we just admit that "there is no such thing as being bad at meditation" is BS my brain is clearly broken.

PS I am not interested in any type of spiritualality at all I'm only trying to meditate because of the objective scientific benefits I'm not interested in any sort of eastern WoWo Cristal bs

I need to: reprogram my brain, learn to meditate, fix my looks, fix my skin, fix my hair, fix my clothes, build muscle, fix my diet, live on my own, get a full time Job, fix my hygiene, fix my teeth, fix my social skills, and so on and so forth.

Even one of those feels difficult as they require me to do things I really hate doing. My body is sending me "don't do it" messages for every single step. How am I supposed to not fall into despair knowing that every step is going to involve pushing thru hell and I've failed every time I've tried in the past.

Everyone acts like my only problem is that I don't have enough friends. And that if I had more friends and was more social then I would just be ok being single and alone forever while my friends slowly pair up.

Then when I tell them I have friends they say "well you're just not close enough with them". As if that's supposed to be actionable advice. I have no idea how to get closer with them. I'm as close with them as I feel comfortable with and I still don't feel ok being single.

I say I'm touch starved and they respond "get touch from your friends" (how is a handshake or maybe a quick bro hug supposed to make me feel not touch starved also half my friends are female and there is no way I'm touching them)

Or they say "get a dog". Yeah because I want an aggressive loud dangerous animal that will shit all over my fucking house and make the most aggressive sound imaginable all the time.

Or they say "go get a massage". Because exactly what I want is a stranger to touch me while I try my hardest not to get a boner. Haircuts are hellish for me why would I want a stranger touching my back and then complaining about me later.

They say "hug yourself". As if that's not the most pathetic thing in the world. I tried that and I broke down sobbing because I remembered that I wasn't good enough to get real hugs. It's up there with getting a body pillow in terms of pathetic virgin behavior.

They say masterbate well guess what I do that multiple times a day and IT DOESN'T HELP.

I'll always be autistic and at the end of the day that means I'll always be socially stunted.

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I'm a (27)m who has never had a girlfriend as an adult and one sexual experience (no p in v)

Everyone knows that your first girlfriend isn't likely to be your last. And that makes sense, nobody is going to get it right on their first try. A common sentiment across the Internet is that most women aren't interested in being "Barbra the build" for broken or developmentally delayed men who need to learn the same lesson that the majority of people learn in highschool and college. And I don't blame them. After all they would be basically training me so that I can be a good girlfriend for my next partner in the very very likely change that this relationship doesn't work. At my age most women aren't interested in being practice for a man. And I'll be honest I don't want to use a woman as 'practice '' anyways it sounds dehumanizing and insensitive to use a person as a stepping stone to something better.

So what's the alternative? Women who don't have experience are usually religious and saving themselves for marriage and that's a deal breaker for me. I know there is a very very small amount of women my age with similar experiences that aren't religious but it's a tiny fraction. The chances of me actually encountering someone like that is tiny.

Do you think it's ok to find a girlfriend at this age knowing that she's most likely not going to work out and that I will cause her pain maybe even trauma when it happens?

It just feels so insanely difficult to keep up the bare minimum standards of these things.

Showing and brushing tears twice a day... I can bearly make myself do once a day. But I need to brush my teeth for 2 whole minutes twice a day... I can't stand still for even a minute much less two with an annoying buzzing, pain from mouth sores, and a horrible feeling on my tongue from the tooth paste.

I need to spend a lot of money testing different types of body wash, shampoo, and conditioner to figure out what works for my skin chemistry.

Washing my face is difficult enough to remember to do. I recently found out that just washing my face with soap isn't enough I need an entirely separate type of face wash face specifical moisturizer, cleanse, some type of stone or something, (exfolent? Whatever that is) and every single time I go outside I need to put sunscreen on.... How am I supposed to remember to do that every single time especially when I hate the feeling and smell of sunscreen. But I love going out side. I can't imagine making something I love miserable by adding sunscreen to it. Plus I will forget about it pretty quickly because of how much time I spend outside.

For fashion the more resurch I do the more confusing it is. Fifty dollar for a handful of white t shirts? Sizing? What exactly does something "fitting" mean? exactly how tight does stuff need to be? Wy do I not like how most things in fashion look? Do I really need to choose between feeling comfortable and looking good?

Different types of fabric, different types of washing instructions, ironing? I have no idea how to figure all this out? Is it really that noticeable if my jeans are wrinkled?

Hair is the worst. Not only do I need to go through the torture of getting a haircut every single month. But I need have a haircut that "matches my face type"? (I have no idea what my face type is the AI gives me a different answer every time) And style it the exact same way every single day. And I need to use products that make my hair feel weird and my hair will need to be fixed as soon as I touch it in any way. Also I can't use my headphones because it will mess up my hair.

Apparently I need to wear cologne to. And it has to be the good expensive kind or else it doesn't smell good apparently. And I need to go into a physical store and try it!?!?? How am I supposed to do that without feeling awkward and out of place! Also how do I know what people will like?

Hand care is another thing that feels almost impossible. I've literally never even though about doing anything other than washing my hands. But apparently I need to use lotion on my hands 10 times a day. Then I kneed to wear gloves even though I don't like how they feel on my hands, can't keep track of them, and hate disposable gloves even more. Keep my fingernails so short they hurt. Keep them perfectly even and identical, by a special brush I didn't even know existed to keep them clean by painfully scrubbing under my fingernails. Or I need to go to a nail care store and it's the haircut torture just with my hands now. Also the same with toenales except I don't ever need so show them to anyone.

How do I even start when it's this overwhelmingly difficult to have basic hygiene.

I'm a 27 m with ADHD and autism

I'm realizing that my entire life I've been conditioned to believe that my self worth is related to how "productive" I am. And that I was told by my dad growing up that my productivity was my value.

He would always say "have a productive day" and "I hope your day was productive". Instead of wanting me to have a nice day. He would also always go on about how much he worked and how lucky I am that he's a hard worker and that hard work was the most important measure of success. He will regularly send me long text messages about how I need to be more productive. He even told me that he thinks my depression is because I'm not working enough and that if I was productive I wouldn't be depressed.

I'm realizing that a lot of my self hatred and shame came from the idea that I didn't work hard enough and that's why I live with my parents, that I didn't have a girlfriend because I wasn't working hard enough. Hell my dad said that if I wanted a girlfriend I needed a full time job and a house first.

Basically I'm convinced that my failure in life is my fault and that my life should be defined by a level of productivity that I don't really care about or want. And my dad was largely absent growing up because he was working so much.

I'm only now realizing how messed up it was to attach my worth as a human being to how much work I did. And that when I didn't reach the goals he thought I needed to reach I felt like shit. Everything in my life is filtered through the lenses of productivity even friendships.

How do I get myself out of that trap? I've been trying but it's a strong feeling that's enforced regularly just by interacting with him.

I am an adult man living with my parents. Just now my mom asked to look over a job application for me and she called me over to tell me what she thought. for some reason she sounded really disappointed in me. I started panicking and asking what was wrong and she said I forgot to capitalize a lot of words. For some reason I thought she sounded really disappointed and upset with me so I started asking if it was that bad. And she started asking why I would let her look it over if I couldn't accept her criticism and that I was falling at grammar people learn in the third grade.

I panicked and started having a full on panic attack... Why am I so fucking sensitive. My mom is telling me to just go take a shower and stop thinking about bad things but I can't I'm trying and trying. Could this be CPTSD related?