I don't quite understand why people go on about life being "short". I'm 36, still about 45 years short of my life expectancy, and sick of how slow and laborious life is. Maybe it's fun if you at least have any hope that somebody will ever love you, but for ugly, unlovable me, it's just a very, very long and pointless bore.
Honestly, I'd rather my greatest desire in life were to climb Everest, make another million, solve world hunger, write a #1 single (although that is close to it..), become Prime Minister or win an Oscar. I feel sure I wouldn't find any one of those as difficult as I find winning a woman's affections. I don't know how anybody ever does it. I must have a very rare form of unattractiveness or be so unusual that I'm nobody's type. Just can't get over how impossible it is.
I feel so crushingly lonely. So far from finding the right person / people. So abandoned, so unwanted and uncared for. I've tried so much, travelled so far, done so much work to try to get out of this, but never find connection. Never finding good friends, never finding a lover, just feeling so lost and that everything I do is a wild shot in the dark. Maybe there is no one for me to connect with. I feel so alone in the world. I've been in so much pain today. Been lashing out physically, been in tears, mind feeling so crushed. Not sure I want to be here any more.
I just want to say how much I hate everyone. Everyone's unreliable, totally self-centred, stupid, evil scum. Must be time for the apocalypse. I wouldn't mind that.
Unless one enjoys isolation, it's absurdly hard work living with a loathing of mingling. For almost eighteen months, I've been going to great lengths to make friends and even find something more than friendship, only to end up with no friendships that have lasted and no relationship that progressed further than two dates. With summer beginning at the weekend (in my belief), I ought to be planning more attendances of social events, etc., but I'm out of social energy. Now I'm thinking of moving to the deepest countryside and living an hermitic life for the rest of my days. The thought of minimising my encounters with irksome people makes the isolation seem potentially worthwhile. And no, I'm not travelling overseas to try to find my people; they're not going to be foreigners. If I can't find them in my own country, they simply don't exist.
I've never been chosen, never really been loved by anyone, must be unworthy of love. There's nobody out there for me, nobody. I hate this life and this world, I hate it all. I can't help being who I am, and why should I? How many people really change themselves to be loved? Is that really even being loved?! Not sure if love even exists, perhaps I'm chasing a phantom. I've accepted that I'm not attractive enough to impress with my appearance, but it's even harder to accept that there's nobody in the world even remotely like me and who understands me. Nobody will ever understand me.
I was contemplating that, whilst having the nose corrected, I might as well have other procedures carried out, hopefully as part of a package deal. I'm reluctant to ask they who are financially incentivised to offer all the options under the sun, so in terms of fewest interferences for greatest gain, what else could truly elevate my appearance?
It can't be an uncommon problem. But I don't know how I'm supposed to feel good enough for someone I find attractive if I know I'm not attractive myself. Even if I were to be extremely lucky with that kind of someone, how would I feel like she isn't settling for some reason and not feel that she deserves someone who is actually attractive?
Slowly drowning in loneliness, struggling with no real support network, just wishing I could meet someone who really cares. Didn't get lucky enough to be anything people want to be involved with. Didn't get looks, didn't get natural confidence, didn't get charisma. So what do I get? Ignored, overlooked, left to rot..