u/No_Music_4410

You know that thing where you listen to a rapper and your first thought it: "this dude is trying too hard to be Eminem. But he isn't even 1% of Eminem." So you don't listen to him. Cause if you really wanted that vibe? You'd listen to the real deal. That's how we assess human adults.

Meanwhile as long as a kid draws SOMETHING? Or any shitty song a child makes? "wow so talented for their age. So much potential". We don't judge a child the same way we do with an adult.

And here's the thing that grinds my fucking gears. The word "intelligence". Cause when you sit down and think about it?

A parrot that learns a few words is intelligent. But I wouldn't pay to watch it in concert or commission it to make music.

A random kid who watches a lot of medical dramas and educational content? Yes is intelligent. But not the kind of intelligent where I'd trust her with surgery.

A lot of people are empathetic and may even be well read on a lot of self-help stuff. Would I talk to them? Yes. Are they intelligent? Yes. Would I turn them into a therapist? NO. Cause that's a different level. Intelligence plus practice plus education plus impartiality.

The stupid logical leap I see the tech-bros and sloppers of the world making is: "it's intelligence. It knows things. So I can trust it to be a therapist, or a friend, or a coder, or an artist". But that's.... not how it works? There's a lot more to being good at something than knowing facts. I can spend hours and hours (and I do) watching tattoo content made by artists. But guess what? I can't draw for shit. And I wouldn't trust myself with a tattoo machine. Just cause some tool webscraped facts? Doesn't mean there's any "intuition" or "wisdom" or anything. if I'm sick as fuck? I'm going to a doctor. Not WebMD.

And when it comes to art? "oh it produced something and it isn't the ugliest thing ever produced. I've seen worse drawings. So this is automatically good". Sir if an adult drew that by hand? You'd be bullying them. If I came up to you with a slightly modified version of Micky Mouse? You better not see me as some "great artist". But people personify these data processors like they are little babies. Yes, if your son draws a stick figure? I'd never say "kid you can't draw for shit". Cause the kid is a person and we protect and nurture them and watch them grow. That's.... not how a data processor model works big dog.

Intelligence is a loaded word. There's levels and types of intelligence. My kid could make a powerpoint presentation in 5 minutes. But it will be shitty as fuck and you'd be mad. If I asked a friend at an other company to make a presentation for me? Breach of Contract. If I pawn it off to someone else? Performance review.

But all that shit goes out the window. Fuck corporate secrecy. Here use our data. Fuck accountability. Hell you get reprimanded for "not cheating enough... I mean using AI"

Hey dad, I would really love to get some advice cause I've been feeling really confusing about career decisions and how they match my wants vs what makes rational sense.

So I've been in tech my whole life and have always loved challenging that "puzzle" part of my brain. I've been involved in Machine Learning (AI) since 2016. Back when the first GenAI paper was initially released. And from a purely math/logic standpoint? it has been one of my favorite topics/research directions etc etc I've ever seen. I really don't want to talk your head off about it cause that isn't relevant right now.

But my worry comes from asking "is this my most ideal career ever?" and "morals?". I feel like what was once a fun curious and inquisitive niche field? It's been gentrified by tech bros. And I find myself here.

Pros: I'm very qualified for this kind of work, it pays very well, I don't have to re-tool or re-certify, I have experience and the skills.

Cons: with the water consumption and job implications it feels bad. There are too many ways corpos are ruinnig it. I hate that finance bros have tried to pretend it's always been for them and their startups.

I guess my question is... how does one even make decisions as an adult? Right now, present moment. Staying in the field is my only "realisitc" option. A career change could be feasible later but because of my current circumstances; it isn't an option. But even beyond that... it's a decision with no right or wrong answers. I don't know... I'm good at it and love the parts of my brain it tickles and it's a very exciting field. But I also have issues.

Why couldn't it be like High School where "a hard decision" was choosing between AP Math and AP Physics. Or who you'd do your group project with

My dad was a peace of shit. I’ve (28F) known that for so long now. And over time it just kept getting more and more obvious. Fucking sucks ass. It feels like a wound that will never truly heal. He’d never listen when I shared my needs or wants or things I was hurt by. I got mocked or humiliated or gaslight or yelled at. Often multiple at the same time.

For a long time. I sorta just took it? Earlier I didn’t even realize that he was abusive. And I think over time I said fuck it “he’s never gonna get physical. His threats and attacks are meaningless and blatantly and obviously stupid. I don’t need to listen to shit”. And I think around that time I learned how to yell. My mom was scared of him and made excuses for him. So I was the only “adult in the house”.

Unfortunately I learned that to survive I either have to hide everything to be safe. Or be willing to yell and fight and be ready to always get the first word in. I’ve known it’s bad that for a few years now. But after a big fight I had with my partner and then a couple of heavy therapy sessions? It’s hitting me like a tonne of bricks. And I’m deeply embarrassed. I treated my partner the same way I would have handled my dad. I treated him like a threat or someone who wouldn’t take me seriously unless I fought.

And that’s been weighing on me heavy. Not the contents of the fight. Not what it escalated to. Just how it started and what my role was in it. And how deeply it must have scared and worried him. He was worried about me and scared for and off me. I fucking hate knowing that. I want to give myself some grace cause it was a learned behavior that I’ve been working on. But I still fucking hate it. For a while my coping strategy was to go AWOL and hide from the situation and people so I could let the rage take the wheel until it dissipated and I got some closure and meaningful emotional processing done.

But it’s so fucking difficult or different now. When I lived alone no one saw my day to day. So it was fine. Or relatively fine. I thought “as long as I don’t yell and if I hide? I’m doing good”. But when you live with someone you care deeply about? Who cares about you deeply? Where there’s interdependence? The rules feel different as I’m coming to terms with. What he saw was “a person I care about? She’s looked angry/on edge consistently. She’s been shutting down emotionally. She’s talked about being done with therapy; even though she’s always told e how grateful she is to have such a wonderful therapist.” And yeah. It didn’t matter; I’m now realizing; whether or not I yelled. I feel like I need to work more on my coping mechanisms so I’m not just white knuckling. It’s not fun for me. And after this blowup (first one in a couple of years. First one since I’ve known him). Im realizing I have stuff to work on. I can’t just white knuckle it on a wing and a prayer. I don’t want my loved ones to feel this way. Fight aside, I don’t like feeling that angry and scared.

I talked to my therapist about it. She said the reflection is good. The fact that I’ve already worked on identifying better safety plans is great. My psychiatrist put me on an additional medication to use as needed when I get very agitated. I’ve looked and new skills to handle the stress. The biggest one is: unclench jaw, slow deep breathing, name things you see and hear and can smell. And radical acceptance “I survived abuse as a scared little child. I am gonna trust myself to handle this”

idk I guess I wanted to talk to a “real” dad. An actual grown up. Not a manchild with anger issues. I grew up learning that anger and/or manipulation were the only ways to communicate. And I’m trying so hard to unlearn that. I hate realizing how much it affects both me and the people around me.

I fucking love women. They are gorgeous. I love having long conversations and make out sessions with them and being tender and all that jazz.

But there's something so.... unique? singular? about my attraction to men. I can't put my finger on it. But looking back at it and what my high school and earlier life was like? My relationship to men has often come down to:

"I really like talking to this dude. He seems really cool and has similar hobbies/interests as me. I wanna be able to talk to him about it and come off as cool". Like women are amazing. But there's something about boys that just... make me blush?

Chivalry makes me fucking melt. I had to fight a lot of internalized queerphobia to get here. But goddamn it. Look into my eyes while you tell me about your stupid little hobbies mister. Let me hear you talk about Alice in Chains and what they meant for teenage you.

I was thinking about this recently. But as someone with a bunch of personality disorders while also being poly? It's such a godsend. I recently had to find a psychiatrist cause it felt like I reaaally needed to start getting medicated.

But all that to say? I was almost taken aback when I was talking about "oh yeah. My partner and I are okay. Had a bit of a health scare. But all good. But this girl I started dating? I'm super anxious about our relationship". And girlie was so confused and I had to pause everything to explain poly.

With my life being primarily filled with other polyamorous people? Or even monogomous people in community with/well familiar with polyamory? It was a shock to feel like... "huh. for a lot of people, this isn't straight forward".

And thank fuck for my therapist. Never once have I had to explain any of this to her. I can just talk to her about how I feel and don't having to explain what a nesting partner/meta or anything else is. Or even some of the intricacies that come with it.

"Had a breakup and am leaning on my other partners" - makes sense

"trying to balance NRE and my other relationships is hard" - makes sense.

"some of my closest relationships occupy a liminal space between strictly platonic- strictly sexual and romantic. I have people I'm romantically adjacent to. But never sexually..." And no reason to talk someone through how it isn't cheating.

Every now and then, I get hit with how confused a lot of people can get by polyamory and it takes a second. And the one place I want to be fully understood without having to constantly educate someone? It's therapy.

Both of 28. Im a girl. He’s a (you guessed it) a boy
Lived together for almost two years now.
Marriage conversations have been happening over time. It’s just that some life changes may have made things move around/be more urgent. But we’ve talked about buying a house, growing old together, fostering kids etc.

And like. For me when I think about it. It’s not *just* that I want those things. I want those things with HIM. I don’t want to be a wife. I wanna be his wife. He’s way more analytical than me like that. To me it’s just “my heart and my gut have decided. So all that’s left is for the brain to do the planning”

And it’s not even stupid big things. It’s a bunch of meaningless, boring things. Like what the fuck? “Oh thanks for doing the dishes. Love ya” “game of thrones? Or Gilmore Girls tonight?” Watching TV on the couch while he has his nightly showers. When he was in the hospital for 2 weeks? I missed the stupid day to day. It was easier to go to the laundromat when he was there. It was… who’s gonna cook while I do the dishes? Who am I gonna say “going out for a walk. Need anything?” To. It’s not fucking sunshine and rainbows. It’s sitting in the car while he looks for parking.

We handle arguments well. Let things boil over. Then sit down and talk about how we feel. We own up to our own fuckups. And give the other grace

And right now… as I find in myself in the space where it might very quickly move from hypothetical future planning to… something very real? I find myself scared. Not cause I don’t want to do it. It’s such a big thing.

How does that work? Will it ever not feel “real/scary/intimidating”. Or is that a bad sign? What tells me if a man is worth building a future with? Or is it just… what?

Also can I get some stupid ass dad jokes?

I don’t miss my dad. Hope his anger issues and health issues catch up to him.

I don’t miss my mom. She can cry 24/7 and talk about how frail she is

I don’t miss my sister. She can touch herself thinking about how good it is to be the golden child for all I care.

I hate them and I don’t want them back. You can keep them.

It’s the extended family that I miss. I have like a nephew and two nieces that I adore. And a bunch of new ones I’ll lever get to meet. I was always the favorite aunt. The defacto babysitter. But the waters are too muddy with flying monkeys; shark infested waters. I just can’t risk my own sanity and NC for those kids. As much as I wish I could.

I’ve been having this almost baby fever. I want to have new babies to take care of. I’ve been trying to be an aunt to my friends’ kids. I’ve been joking with my partner about “kidnapping kids” or just… having kids magically.

It’s those non-abusers that you miss. But even then, with the adults it’s hard to figure out what’s what. I just… it’s safer to miss them than it would be nice to reconnect. And to be honest? The babies are babies. I can’t fault them and never will. But my aunts and uncles? There’s still some resentment. Maybe they could, maybe they couldn’t. But I really wish they’d have done something more to stop the abuse. Maybe a safe oasis was all they could realistically be? idrk. But man… I miss the extended family

Knowing someone for 2+ years. Stable safe. Me being happy that the fuckers never seen me split. Never seen me go off the rails.

And then bam. Shit gets rough. I backslide. Thw world yells at me “do your DBT skills.” And I say fuck you. I know what I’m doing.

When the split takes the wheel like that… everything feels real and justified. It’s blinkered vision and a world that’s red. You are the only sane person and it’s time to bring everyone down to your level.

It doesn’t need DBT. Cause this time it’s real. Im thinking straight. My mind is clear. And then… bam…

It happens. The word vomit comes out. The stupid shit. The unfiltered… emotions. Rage, anger, fear. Whatever else.

It’s like the messy emotions up and formed their own personality and kicked you out. It feels impossible to remember yourself. And as tge high subsides… it gets messy.

Two years of closeness and love and life building. And bam. One moment. One fucking moment.

And then… I look at my DBT skill sheet “should statements” “future predictions” “urgency” and a whole bunch of other shit. Oh…

And the sad thing is… to them? It’s the first time they’ve seen a split. To me? I’ve lived this movie a million times over

I have a grand total of 4 tattoos and will be getting my fifth one in a couple of weeks. And in all honesty? Perfect ERP

I had a phase where my compulsion/theme was obsessing over all my tattoos. Looking for the biggest and smallest flaws. Color saturation, line weight. Whatever else.

To the point where I could spend hours staring at them from all angles and eventually I could point out every last flaw in each of them. But at some point I was like “these fucks are permanent. I can’t change shit now.” And a lot of maybe maybe nots

“Maybe everyone notices the flaws I see. Maybe they don’t”

“Maybe people find it cringe. Maybe they don’t”

“Maybe I’ll grow to regret it. Maybe I won’t”

Having something permanent that you can’t control or change or reason away? That’s fertile ground for ERP

Sure when I’m nice and calm and stable? I know my cues and triggers. I know my rules “my regulation is not anyone else’s responsibility. It’s mine” “life won’t be perfect” “I need to make it a point to stabilize before having big conversations”

But then bam… I miss signs or escalate. Or whatever else? And everything is out the window. Nothing is my responsibility. Everyone sucks and owes me something.

When im calm? I remember how much guilt and shame lasts after a bad split. But then when I feel exceptionally agitated? Oh fuck. Time to go evil gremlin mode. Hahaha. Is that not fun? I sure love causing turmoil.

And then bam. Shit calms down. Fuck I upset someone I care about deeply. It’s not about whether or not I get any resolution. It’s just… purely I did a horrible thing.

And I get to just… sit with it? And I scream internally.

I did so well to go so long without getting to this place. And I’m here again. And all I feel is shame and embarrassment. Like… I’m looking at my radical acceptance poster and thinking “huh. Look at all those missed signs. Would be a shame to have looked at them before I fucked up”

And I hate this feeling. Sitting in it. Accepting that someone has every right to be mad at me. And I just have to sit there… waiting for forgiveness. And working on myself. And worrying that nothing will ever go back to normal