u/OkCoast7026

I hate all of it, but especially working so close with other people. To make this worse my supervisor decided to combine elementary schools since they’re down custodians so we have 7/8 cleaners per room as opposed to the 3 I’m used to

The new girl thinks she can tell everyone what to do, makes comments when somebody is taking a break (but takes 45 minute smokes breaks,) one girl stinks, and one person isnt physically fit for the job. The new girl pissed me off when she i was talking to another saying “or we all still working? I hear a whole lot of talking.” This is your first summer, shut up lol.

It’s hot, I’m sore. I just want to go back to my school and focus on it, not another school. It was such a dumb idea to combine schools.

And my supervisor is trying to get us to do stuff as a group, we’re not an office. Why does the workplace in the 21st Century try and force companionship? Leave me alone, I want to go home. I’m a loner that’s why I took this job.

I want to vent.

I resent what I was dealt for parents. They taught me virtually nothing: I’m a male so I’m focused on my dads shortcoming, he barely taught me to be handy and the few times he did try he was upset I didn’t know already , the birds and the bees, his marriage advice was “stay single,” made me apologize to my mother when I told her she crossed my boundaries, compared me to my brother in law, belittled me in front of my friends, tells my secrets, •jokes• that I owe him money for helping me get a house (I paid him a third of my loan)

When he’s drunk he joked that I shouldn’t have been born, I won’t make what he makes, thar I should worship him. He was scared from seeing his brother die when I was young, but I have so many memories of him crying about 25 years later. I sound mean, but I wish I had a strong male model when I was growing up. I didn’t

My mom is emotionally unstable. I remember her having me lie about the keyboard when I was 10 and had to use my birthday money to pay for a new one. She nags and throws tantrums to get her way. And she likely smoked while pregnant with me.

Growing up I felt like I had to fulfill their needs without mine being addressed. They both had rough upbringings but I don’t want to be forgiving, I resent what I was given as parents

Don’t get me wrong, he was neglected too. But at the same time he had community support and older siblings to show him the ropes.

But he never got over it. And sometimes I feel like he was “ok” with ignoring my needs because “he survived so will I.” He taught me virtually no life skills, never had deep talks, all his perspectives on life were cynical.

The older I get I don’t see a man who tried to give his children a better life. I see a wounded child who wanted sympathy.

Maybe I’m harsh?

I didn’t take relationships seriously until 24. I’ve have had 3 in the past 6 years. They average 6-10 months and all have ended harshly. I’m left feeling alone and in pain.

Besides autism I have health issues that I can see why others find unattractive like chronic pain and nausea. I’m also gay and I hate that men (straight or gay) tend to lack a nurturing side. My last ex called my frequent nausea “repulsing and a complete turn off” two days after we planned a summer vacation to my favorite city.

Rejection is painful, especially for me since it frequent, often harsh, and I’m left hating myself more and more until I’m at where I am now. I’m giving up on having somebody to love, come home to, travel with, cuddle with, and have sex with. I hate it, but I can’t handle anymore hurt. I hate saying this because I sound like an incel or something.

If I ever attempt to try it again I’m going to make them more of a beat friend than partner.

I hate how autism and other issues make the simplest of life enjoyments nearly impossible. I’m bitter and it’s not going aware any time soon. I feel gross; I’ve neglected my physical appearance and don’t look in the mirror anymore.

When I was 9 our family got a puppy. My mother would go and on and on about great she was. And Mia was truly a great dog!

She would often say how much Mia loved her more than we do. That Mia treated her better.

But I recall shortly after getting Mia asking my mom to “hold me like she does Mia.” She bursted out laughing and mocked me. It was hurtful.

She brings up the story in the present at times and laughs. It’s hard for me to think something isnt wrong with her. You cared more for a dog than your children?

I hate these holidays. And ever since he had heart surgery he expects to be pampered.

My parents were absent from ages 4-6 when my grandmother raised me and my sibling. We spent most of that time watching tv and not much engagement with other people.

Growing up I always felt like my dad was distant. He used to bond with other children more than me. When my cousin lost her father he made sure to fulfill the role but with mine neglected. He knew about her issues, accomplishments fears and never for his own son. He cheered her on for her sports events , but the one time I did bad I had to walk home to learn my lesson.

Often when I try to bond he was busy, it gets cancelled last minute. He recently told my sister and me when we suggested a family vacation “I’m done going on family trips.” Keep in mind the last time we on vacation together the twin towers were standing.

I was always aware of these issues growing up but felt like I was I wrong for such feelings. Now o feel like being honest.

I might sound like a horrible person and I might be

But after a family member was hoapitlziaed for psychiatric care I have their sibling/cousin asking me for money.

The thing is I COULD give, but I’ve paid for so many things even when I was struggling. I just don’t have it in me. And if I was ever struggling I know i only have myself to care for me. So I’m hesitant.

But my whole I’ve struggled with boundaries because I’m used to them being violated. And nobody respecting my “nos” so I always feel like I have to check if my decision is wrong.

We’re often accused of lacking empathy and for a while I was hurt by that accusation.

But I’ve come to conclude I do lack empathy, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy others suffering or want to cause it. I truly don’t how it feels to be the other person or how some of my actions make them feel. I have a complete inability to put myself in the other person’s shoes unless it’s something I’ve experienced.

I think in many ways my lack of empathy is from how others treated me or ignored my needs. I have struggled with respecting other’s boundaries but mine were rarely respected. So until I understood I wasn’t sure why my actions were offensive.

I’ll probably delete this post, but it’s something I wanted to share.

I have so many undesirable disorders that run on both sides of my family: my dad’s side has schizophrenia, heart disease, arthritis, prostate cancer, bone cancer, dental issues.

And my mother’s side has anxiety, brachydactyly, autoimmune, also heart disease and schizophrenia.

I have arthrist, brachydactyly, and one of the psychotic disorders and I hate myself for existing. A part of me hates my parents for having me.

It’s overwhelming coming from a large family and everyone is always sick and suffering and then you worry what’s next and what will happen to you.

I have no control and it happens at emotional times whete crying isn’t appropriate.

I had two coworkers retire today that i DIDNT like and I began crying when saying goodbye. It was very embarrassing since it was in front of higher ups and they seemed confused.

It’s like situations that I know are going to be sad or not the final goodbye (such as death) but most people wouldn’t cry i but I do so. It’s so embarrassing as a 30-year old male. You are judged. It’s hard to let go of. Oddly enough I can’t cry at funerals.

But I have no idea how to help it. No prep I’ve taken so far works. And I’d go as far to say as that I don’t mean to cry it just happens.

What can I do? I can’t live like this. In our culture guys crying is social suicide.

I believe my family destroyed our gut flora. I descend from 4 generations of heavy smokers on my mother’s side with my grandmother smoking while pregnant. Nobody has been breast fed since my great grandmother and I’ve read breast feeding is far superior for gut health.

As a child I struggled to gain weight, have heartburn, gas, weak immune, OCD and anxiety. I always believe I’m autistic although I’ve yet to have an official diagnosis. I know these issues are often linked to poor gut health. My sister has similar issues plus asthma.

How should I begin to address these issues?

Today was her last day! Woohoo!

She belittled my work in front of teachers, made up a rumor about me, called my work shit, falsely blamed me for actions I didn’t commit, tracked my sick days, tried to sabotage my friendship with a coworker

Her last day she comes in complaining I took the slop room of the other person who hits retired. She said “that should be afternoon’s only”and at the start of next school year I’ll lose your slop room.” You’re retiring, why do you care? So weird!

I was told I was turning the backroom into “shit” and she told her grandchildren “let’s go to my slop room.”

I didn’t say bye. I didn’t feel like it!

So long you - - - -!

I’m the lead custodian.

I found out we’re having a fire drill 15 minutes before the event. So I’m rushing to get everything offline and prepared.

Then after the drill I didn’t realize I had forgotten to grab the key to shut the system off. The students come back it’s still going on, so I panic, I then forget a step and it’s still going on. I had my supervisor help and I felt like such an exposed idiot :(

No one seemed mad but I hate when my credibility is ruined even if by my standard. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I was doing so well for so long.

I might be an asshole for saying no, after all she’s having me over. Nor do I believe on going empty handed. I said I would bring soda.

But last week we had to cancel Mother’s Day dinner because her dog got injured. I treated our parents. Then we are having a make up dinner tonight.

I refused to chip in because when I treat I don’t expect her or her husband to pitch in. I’m the one treating. Nor would I expect anyone to chip in when I’m having others over - if you want to bring something small, fine, but it’s not expected.

This recent request caused anger because it stems from a long history of requesting money when they treat. Plus I’ve paid for some of her hair appointments and two vet bills when they were struggling.

She also has a bit of envy that I’m ever so slightly better off, and by better off I mean I make $26, I’m not an attorney. They both work in education.

I really try and not let money come between family, and maybe we don’t understand each others ethics. But to me when I say I’ll treat I don’t expect anything in return. I feel like she does and that there is slight envy of my financial situation when it’s not that glamorous either. And I kind of feel like I’m a transaction at times.

Besides narcissistic parents I have a toxic sister.

She profoundly lacks boundaries, particularly with me as her younger brother.

I mean it as physical boundaries: whether as a child or an adult she would force hugs on me when I wasn’t in the mood. As a child she would kick me in my groin when she was upset (and I couldn’t fit back since I was a male even though I was physically weaker,)

Or personal boundaries. I hate when I tell her no and she begs and begs like a child. She’s a teacher and almost 40.

I don’t really enjoy her as an adult. She can’t drive (which I don’t judge,) but she never accepts when I tell her no even though she has a husband. She’s made me late for a date and a job interview.

She’s made holds grudges with me. I asked her and her husband to watch my cat since I went with my father for her surgery. She refused because I said no to watching her dog once. Keep in mind I’ve paid two of her vet bills and took her sick cat to the vet to be euthanized while they were at work.

But I think it’s the best thing for the family.

I don’t want children and my sister can’t have them, but I think it’s the best thing.

We have so many health issues and there is nothing to offer the newer generations. It would be stupidity to reproduce.

I can’t help but think my parents are stupid for being so upset. Like do you really think it’s a good idea to bring children in the world? With our health?

Especially towards sound sensitivity, and especially towards my sister.

I’ve tried to explain that I can’t attend certain events or what my certain triggers are but I never receive respect. I’m selfish and I’m “too old” to have needs.

She chews gum obnoxiously loud with her mouth wide open. And I ask when we’re together if she can chew with her mouth close or have a mint. It’s hard explaining to others that certain sounds make my heart race and fill me with rage, I’ve tried to for the past 25 years about this issue. As a child if I explained a trigger they would do it louder and laugh when I react in pain.

She’s upset that I don’t hang out with her and I can’t really explain that her presence is undesirable. I just say I gave sensory overload and she says everyone has different levels. My family is always so dismissive of any need.

I struggle with the fact that people don’t like me or connect with me and I don’t connect with them.

I hate being so different, and lonely it is, and how I just simply wish I was more likable. And not just treated nicely, I want others to want to be around me. I just feel like I don’t have what it takes.

Do you struggle with this painful desire?