u/Osaka2330

for reference, my parents come from rural village in asia. they immigrated to west and my dad met a man at work who introduced him into christianity. ive just realised how guilable my parents are. my dads fallen for more than enough scams. my mom thinks jesus is a white man.

my biggest strain in my relationship with my parents is that im not religious. i pretend to be. i pray infront of them. i read the bible. i go to church and bible study every single week. i spend all my work holidays and days off to attend their christian social events. but they can clearly tell. thats why they tell me i sleep too much or that i have acne, because im not a strong enough believer. look i respect their religion and fine i can force myself to go to all these events and pretend. but when they start telling me i didnt pass a job interview or exam, or that i have acne, or that i oversleep is because im not a strong enough christian irritates me. and when my mom screams at me that im going to hell but then we go to church the next ten mins and shes the loveliest auntie in church saying hi and being sweet to everyone, its confusing.

its so confusing. because shes nice sometimes, she cooks me food, and folds my clothes. and it confuses me. and all of my friends always say your mom is so sweet and nice. my parents are ALWAYS off doing some religious event or visiting or praying a sick person from church. which i find ironic because theyve never onced asked me if im okay (when i clearly have depression and tell them that) but they RUNNN to a church members house if they cough or cry, cook them food, pray for hours, pay for stuff etc. whilst they're off busy taking care of their church members, they leave 3 yes 3 of my siblings at home for me to take care of! 2 of which are severely autistic/disabled.

one of my siblings hates crowds and loud music and their loud screaming crying thing they do at church. makes them go insane and break down. but my parents take them to church and totally disregard it. they also do this at home, my dad spends all day praying on zoom or reading the bible writing bible stuff i dont even know. and my sibling needs help with their hw or wants to play, and i just cant because ive come back from work tired or im busy. and my mom is busy cooking for, taking care of, and calling ppl from church all day.

i feel hopeless. the next big chapter in my life according to them is marriage. if i miss church because i feel ill, all hell breaks loose in my house. im made to feel like a murderer, a slut whore, a drug addict. so i cannot imagine if i tell them i wont marry a christian guy from their church.

im writing this with so much resentment and anger that i probably dont even make any sense. im in a position where i cant move out. how can i survive any longer? whats the psychology of them prioritising validation from church members?

im in my early 20s and i still live with my parents. i dont drink, vape, do drugs, party, or even go out. i have no social or love life. i have done these things because i was a teen and wanted to experience things.

but my mom would interrogate me everytime i went out (even if i was going to the mall) and guilt trip me for being a pornstar hooker drug loving whore (ive tried weed once and ive had 1 boyfriend for like 3 months).

the best option for my nervous system was to just stop lying about boys and sneaking around. and by sneaking around, i mean going out with my friends past 9pm to eat mcdonalds.

if i do something horrible and unbelievable like sleeping all day, not clean my room, not look after my siblings, attempt to ask them if i can go out. my mom will say something super mean under her breath in her native language. e.g translates to english "go on i dare you" "i will skin you alive" "i will beat and smack the living shit out of you" and puts her hand up to slap me but doesnt and spits on the floor etc.

like for instance today, i slept until 10 am today because it was so hot and im still recovering from night shift. but my mom SCREAMED at me and told me to get up. she said if she finds me sleeping, she threatened me saying in her native language that she will skin me alive and burn me. i was still sleepy so i just sat on the floor and closed my eyes for 10 mins and put on a million alarms to wake me up incase my mom walks in.

the last time she hit me that i rmr was 1 year ago. i went out with my friends, smoked weed (didnt even get high) and she smelled it on me when i got home. she literally beat the living shit out of me lol. she dragged me by the hair and spat all over me.

i rmr i went to sleep crying that night and shes a christian and she stormed into my room every second crying and yelling told me that im going to hell, theres a devil in me, how my dad blames my mom for my sins. looking back, i was treated like i was a drug addict.

and its weird cuz my parents treat me like a whore if i even go out with my guy friend (who ive known for 15 years since i was a kid oh and hes clearly gay). theyve said since i was a kid that im not allowed to have a boyfriend. so i genuinely have no interest or social skills to be in a relationship. but now theyre expecting me to magically have a christian boyfriend ready to marry? its confusing.

my biggest flaw is sleeping. i genuinely dont do any drugs or alcohol. i think im just severely depressed and have been for 5+ years but my parents dont notice, care, or believe. when theyre not home i can sleep for 12+ hours. and ofc my parents accuse me of being on hardcore drugs!!! i have tried to fix it and working 12 hr night shifts doesnt help at all :/

my other big flaw is that im not religious. i pretend to be. i pray infront of them. i read the bible. i go to church and bible study every single week. i spend all my work holidays and days off to attend their christian social events. but they can clearly tell. thats why they tell me i sleep too much or that i have acne, because im a strong enough believer. look i respect their religion and fine i can force myself to go to all these events and pretend. but when they start telling me i didnt pass a job interview or exam, or that i have acne, or that i oversleep is because im not a strong enough christian irritates me. and when my mom screams at me that im going to hell but then we go to church the next ten mins and shes the loveliest auntie in church saying hi and being sweet to everyone, its confusing.

its so confusing. because shes nice sometimes, she cooks me food, and folds my clothes. and it confuses me. and all of my friends always say your mom is so sweet and nice. my parents are ALWAYS off doing some religious event or visiting or praying a sick person from church. which i find ironic because theyve never onced asked me if im okay (when i clearly have depression and tell them that) but they RUNNN to a church members house if they cough or cry, cook them food, pray for hours, pay for stuff etc. whilst they're off busy taking care of their church members, they leave 3 yes 3 of my siblings at home for me to take care of! 2 of which are severely autistic/disabled.

one of my siblings hates crowds and loud music and their loud screaming crying thing they do at church. makes them go insane and break down. but my parents take them to church and totally disregard it.

they also do this at home, my dad spends all day praying on zoom or reading the bible writing bible stuff i dont even know. and my sibling needs help with their hw or wants to play, and i just cant because ive come back from work tired or im busy. and my mom is busy cooking for, taking care of, and calling ppl from church all day.

i feel hopeless. the next big chapter in my life according to them is marriage. if i miss church because i feel ill, all hell breaks loose in my house. im made to feel like a murderer, a slut whore, a drug addict. so i cannot imagine if i tell them i wont marry a christian guy from their church.

im writing this with so much resentment and anger that i probably dont even make any sense. im in a position where i cant move out. how can i survive any longer?

I’ve known since I was 10 that I’m not religious. I’m in my 20s now and my parents have started to talk about marriage.

They guilt trip and scare me into marrying a guy from the same religion as me or else they’ll disown me and never forgive me.

My dad is the pastor of the church so it feels like even more pressure.

I’m thinking to:

- marry a Christian guy even if I don’t love him to keep my parents happy
- stay celibate and not get married until my parents pass (as of now, I’ve chosen not to pursue any relationships because of this)
- marry who I want and who I love even with the risk of my parents disowning me

My relationship with my parents outside of marriage is okay. It’s just with religion, I get so anxious and terrified of them.

If I do end up marrying a guy outside my religion, would my parents disown and never talk to me again (esp my father)? I’m so scared.

My parents are immigrants from Asia who converted to Christianity when they came to the west. Whenever we have family gatherings, my parents always preach about Christianity even tho nobody asked. It makes everyone uncomfortable and i can tell nobody wants to invite my family.

I’ve known since I was maybe 10 that I don’t believe in Christianity. I’m 21 now, I work a full time job but I live at home and am basically forced to go to church. If I don’t because of work or some excuse, they will GUILT trip me so bad. My nervous system is broken. If I miss church or an event, they will storm into my room and tell me horrible things about how I’m a sinner etc before going to church with fake smiles. My dad’s also the pastor and I go to an Asian church and yk how badly Asian aunties gossip abt everyone especially the pastors family.

My mums started to talk abt marriage and how I need to marry a Christian. Whenever we hear abt other ppls marriage or family issues, my mom says so sly “oh it’s because she didn’t marry a Christian” “oh it’s because they’re not Christian” “if her husband was Christian he wouldn’t do that”.

Deep down she knows i probably don’t care about church or religion. So she continuously warns and SCARES me that if I don’t marry a Christian, she’ll disown me, I’ll live a HORRIBLE life, my husband wont be understanding cheats leaves me etc.

I know I’d never find common ground with a religious guy. Every guy I’ve secretly dated has been atheist/not religious. The sneaking around and lying has ruined my nervous system so I’ve decided to give up on relationships.

It’s confusing because outside of religion, my relationship with my parents is okay. But my nervous system can’t handle conflict with my parents. I get anxiety attacks and nightmares. I can’t stand up for myself.

Right now, it’s okay because I force a smile and go to church every single week. I read the Bible. I go to all these events. But I’m worried for when I’m like 25, and I’m a loser adult with no self identity can’t even stand up to my parents and repressed all my feelings and rage. I’m worried for when they’ll start asking me about marriage seriously.

I’m terrified. Sometimes I think I should get married to a Christian guy they choose to keep a peaceful relationship with my parents. Most times I think I should just become celibate and never date or marry anyone until I die.

Sometimes I feel like my parents care more about their reputation at church than about my happiness.
What if I seriously come home with a guy who isn’t Christian that I love, what will happen? I don’t want to lose my parents.

And I know I’ll hear

—> you’re living under their roof. Move out if you don’t like it so much.
But it’s hard to find somewhere to live plus I don’t want to leave my siblings.
—> just shut up and go to church stay quiet.
I do. But it’s when my parents start talking about the next step like becoming Sunday school teacher or getting married, I get terrified.
—> your parents are abusive.
They prob are mentally but I think that’s just the way Asian people are like. They come from rural village.
—> your parents go to navigate and create new life and change religions, why can’t u?
If I could I would. But id need to move half way across world and have limited contact with my family

I am in a bad mood as u can tell. My parents just went to a christian ever thing and I didnt go because i said i was busy. My dad got so angry and he said when he comes back my room has to be spotless and he’s gonna interrogate my room and post it to the church groupchat if it’s messy. Idk why he’s like that. It makes me feel so shit starting my day life this. It makes me repress my anger and thoughts I literally can’t reply back. I’m a rock.

fyi i havent drank since this incident and will be keeping my drinking controlled.

i know this guy. we're not close friends but we have mutual friends. a year ago i went to his houseparty (his gf wasnt there and im not friends with her), ended up getting blackout disgustingly drunk and pissed on his floor as i was running to the toilet. he had to unfortunately clean it up.

he invited me to his wedding a month ago in person. i was shocked as hes inviting less than 100 people and it was on the spot so it was hard to say no. the issue is that, he seems the type of guy to do things without telling his gf first (like inviting the girl who pissed all over his floor to their wedding). we always hear her yelling at him over the phone and getting jealous.

when i sobered up, i apologised deeply, and he said it was okay. things went back to normal (as in we barely talked outside of group hangouts both then and now). only issue is i dont know if his gf knows about this (both the piss situation or the wedding invite). i have a feeling she wont like either.

i want to lie and say im busy but him and all his friends want me to come. im just worried about the gf hating me.

tldr: im friends with a guy whos getting married but im not friends with his fiancee. i got blackout drunk whilst at his houseparty and ended up pissing all over his floor. should i go to his wedding with the possibility of his fiancee hating me?

a guy at the gym started talking to me after he saw i was doing a workout wrong. he asked for my number to send me a tutorial and i STUPIDLY gave him my number.

he started messaging me ALOT, called me, and asked me on a date on that same night. i rejected his advances. he asked why and i said an excuse like our age (its fucking weird). he said things like there's no issue and how im a grown woman acting weird. he said he was 30 then 35 then 33 (not like i gaf either way). overall scary and aggressive.

i blocked him and will not be going to the gym at night anymore (i cant switch gyms at the moment). and yes i understand its my fault as i gave him the wrong impression by giving him my number and responding. huge lesson learned.

obviously if he stalks or harasses me then ill report it. it'd be great if he just ignores me and i'll just have to oversee the awkwardness.

but i need genuine advice on how to react if i run into him (he lives nearby) and he comes up to me (which based on his behaviour and straight forwardness he might). especially at the gym.

im terrified. thank u.

EDIT: i believe an age gap relationship after the age of 30+ is okay (e.g a 34 year old dating a 44 year old). but a 21 year old and a man in his 30s? totally unacceptable and weird. (and i say this from first handedly seeing my best friend get groomed when we were 18 by a man in his 50s). there’s a *reason* women his age don’t want him.

I use nipple cream (100% lanolin) as a lip balm instead of Vaseline or cute lip balms.