u/Own_Eye5695

I know we’re both busy, I know there’s people around us, I know we’re at work but god just say something. Say anything say even a hello. I never wanted my actions to be misinterpreted. I never wanted a push and pull dynamic, especially when I have to see you. I know I might look unapproachable but it’s quite the opposite. So please say something not just with your eyes, with the glances but through anything. I’m tired of feeling bad when a customer moves and I make eye contact with you. Even a smile…. Just anything.

Mad

Mad at how I prioritize work and ignore everyone around me

Mad for never noticing you until you were right in front of me

Mad how once I did notice you I couldn’t stop not noticing

Mad at the first impression I gave

Foolish

Foolishly thinking I could fix first impressions

Foolish for thinking it could be fixed when only it pushed you away

Foolish for letting the past find me, follow me and hurt me to act and behave as I did

Foolish

Now I stand some days blind

some days wary and other days dreading going to work although temporary I still go

some days my eyes wander promising myself it’s just work, promising it’s not to catch your eye

Yet through the fog I still notice the outline of you

Worried, angry each interaction, every glance, from the way I stand to the way I act, and the way I dress you think it’s for you and solely you.

Angry at how some days it is, but only to fix again what cannot be fixed anymore

Angry at what I was forced to do for someone else it’s tied as to who I am as a person now

Angry at myself for thinking I was an option, something attractive something worth pursuing for

Angry for thinking I could have been enough for you

Sad for what I used to love in the mornings has tied me to you

Hurt

Hurt how my friendliness could be interpreted as a transaction

Hurt how I slowly go back to prioritizing work you believe me as a superficial person

Hurt at the attempts I’ve made to fix it has alienated you completely from me

Hurt at the possible image you have of me now

Hurt at how I now have noticed you too much that I can’t stop not noticing you

Hurt that I never do win

Hurt that it was all a miscommunication, timing, and other factors that with talking can be fixed

Hurt how the ball is truly in your court, except I cannot do anything nor will you do anything

Hurt as I’ve come to accept you’re not interested in the slightest.

Hurt as to how I have to be cold and accept of what you think of me as

And yet there’s always something, some little hope, some wish that you will talk to me, wave at me or confront me.

Foolish

Mad

Mad at how I prioritize work and ignore everyone around me

Mad for never noticing you until you were right in front of me

Mad how once I did notice you I couldn’t stop not noticing

Mad at the first impression I gave

Foolish

Foolishly thinking I could fix first impressions

Foolish for thinking it could be fixed when only it pushed you away

Foolish for letting the past find me, follow me and hurt me to act and behave as I did

Foolish

Now I stand some days blind

some days wary and other days dreading going to work although temporary I still go

some days my eyes wander promising myself it’s just work, promising it’s not to catch your eye

Yet through the fog I still notice the outline of you

Worried, angry each interaction, every glance, from the way I stand to the way I act, and the way I dress you think it’s for you and solely you.

Angry at how some days it is, but only to fix again what cannot be fixed anymore

Angry at what I was forced to do for someone else it’s tied as to who I am as a person now

Angry at myself for thinking I was an option, something attractive something worth pursuing for

Angry for thinking I could have been enough for you

Sad for what I used to love in the mornings has tied me to you

Hurt

Hurt how my friendliness could be interpreted as a transaction

Hurt how I slowly go back to prioritizing work you believe me as a superficial person

Hurt at the attempts I’ve made to fix it has alienated you completely from me

Hurt at the possible image you have of me now

Hurt at how I now have noticed you too much that I can’t stop not noticing you

Hurt that I never do win

Hurt that it was all a miscommunication, timing, and other factors that with talking can be fixed

Hurt how the ball is truly in your court, except I cannot do anything nor will you do anything

Hurt as I’ve come to accept you’re not interested in the slightest.

Hurt as to how I have to be cold and accept of what you think of me as

And yet there’s always something, some little hope, some wish that you will talk to me, wave at me or confront me.

Foolish

Basically the title, and I’m over guessing every thing I do might be giving signs I’m interested when in reality I’m just blind and have ADHD. I always prioritize work first so I’m aware of surroundings but not necessarily looking at him, yet when I blank out and come back to focus I realize he’s there. Worried my friendliness might’ve come off again as interested and placed him in an uncomfortable situation?

Basically the title. But also, now that I sorted things out with my stalker and can take my normal route to my other job, I’m scared my previous interactions with neighbouring workplaces has been misinterpreted when really it was a mix of bad timing, previous work related trauma, coincidences and my poor eyesight having my friends looking out for me. Essentially I crashed out and now don’t know how to interact with anyone normally again.

Just annoyed how I let someone who made me feel super uncomfortable make me seem as a different person from others perspective, but also makes me feel anxious knowing that others may have felt what I have been feeling (being watched etc) this whole time. I do worry alot of what others think about me which I know I have things to heal from, but my worry now comes from how my coworkers are also being treated or seen as due to their relation with me. Advice or anything would be appreciated I can go deeper into it but yeah sorry if this is all a mess too lol

Edit: this was also inspired by a recent convo with my colleagues about rbf + me being hyper aware of ppl that I also was super oblivious to some customers hitting on me (but I’m also just hopelessly oblivious like that and just needed to end things on a lighter tone here lol)