u/PitifulBusiness767

Picked up and put down these Snakes and Joes one day in ‘91 and never returned to them until tonight. They look very familiar and I can remember most of the names, maybe they have faired better than me

The Cleveland Browns. Their mascot is a man who didn't want the team named after him. Or maybe it's an elf. Or maybe a bull dog? An orange helmet?

Actually, it is misery.

The city of Cleveland and its die-hard fans have been subjugated to decades of having their hopes risen only for them to be smashed like a super charged car driven by Henry Ruggs or Anquan Boldin's face in that one Jets game. Or Diana Russini doing everything it takes to get the deep scoop.

I empathize with you Cleveland fans, for this suffering is not random. It is not God casting this die, but the nefarious United States government. Just as the US has done before with the Tuskegee Syphillis experiment and Project MK Ultra, shadowy forces of the government have made Cleveland an unwilling participant in a study on hope, misery, and existential collapse.

The team rose to prominence with a bevy of titles lead by all-timer Otto Graham in the 50s. Then the 60s came along with Jim Brown, perhaps the greatest player in NFL history. But just as the city began to slide deeper into an economic and social decline, the US government decided to test a hypothesis.

What is the impact of hope and devastation on a US city? How is the emotional bandwidth, mental health, and financial stability of a city impacted by severely devastated dashed hopes. In short: can controlling the fate of an NFL franchise tangibly impact the social and economic development of a US city and can we eventually weaponize these tactics against our future enemies?

Cleveland has been stuck in a decades long longitudinal study which has gathered a great deal of meaningful military data while also causing incalculable levels of alcoholism.

Now each passionate Browns fan as a rite of passage etches a wound into their body, like a roman numeral, for each of the majorly devastating turn of events in their franchise history. The loyal and faithful are indeed nearly completely covered head to toe. So for Cleveland fans, this quick recap will not be unfamiliar, but it may make those scars tingle just so.

Note that all of these events were influenced by government agents. This isn't your fault, Cleveland. As the city fell into a slump, they traded HOF wide receiver Paul Warfield to the Dolphins, who tore it up and won titles. Meanwhile, the Browns mired in mediocrity for the entire decade.

Red Right 88 happened in 1980 where the government handlers called in an absolutely terrible decision which cost Cleveland the game against the eventual Super Bowl Champions. This was a test in how a city handled "what could have been" and what the resulting levels of economic and emotional depression were.

The study wanted to see how quickly recovery was possible and if it would stabilize even if hopes were ripped away. Cleveland was given an unlikely hero in the beer-bellied Bernie Kosar, who probably couldn't beat Rosie O'Donnell in a foot race. Still, the local boy raised hopes and brought Cleveland to new heights: championship contention.

Enter horse-faced California boy, engineered in a lab to be the antithesis to everything blue collar midwesterners loved and respected. He was crafted as the perfect villain to this story as they watched him time and time again dash their hopes in the AFC title games via improbable means.

This is all a show, Cleveland, and you strung along like a puppet, the manipulators collecting their data and laughing.

You had Bill Belichick and the handlers decided he wouldn't do shit for you only to eventually become arguably the greatest coach in NFL history. Still, you stuck around as fans.

They took your team away from you. They orchestrated you losing your beloved franchise who you stuck with despite the pain and suffering. Another dagger in the heart, a wad of spit in the eye, and yet STILL, STILL you remained loyal to the NFL. STILL you took back an expansion franchise, letting them drop wads of shit on your plate, a fan base and city starved for the completion of the promise they've been offered for decades.

Yes, they gave you shit. Tim Couch. Years of misery. And the team ripped from your womb, the Baltimore Ravens, they go ahead and right away win the Super Bowl, another devastating psychological experiment.

The scientists yukked it up as they analyzed your financial and crime data. They encouraged your alcoholism. They had more strings to pull.

What I wrote above seems all made up. Too ridiculous to be real for a sports franchise. Well, let's throw in unparalleled devastatingly bad quarterback play for about two decades. Let's make every single guy just NOT WORK OUT AT ALL. Let's see how a city responds to that.

Let's have them pin their hopes on Brady Quinn and the engineered-in-a-lab level of train wreck that was Johnny Manziel (hell of an MMA fighter though). Let's give them Baker Mayfield, a ray of hope, the city seeing the light.... only to have him injured....cast off...

And then rise to the greatest heights of his career.

It's a sick joke being played on your city. Your suffering is the point. How much can you endure and what does it do to you? Can a business entity continue sucking you dry of your emotional and financial capital no matter how much they disappoint and disrespect you?

Then, of course, Deshaun Watson. A plague disguised as hope. The small-pox blanket of our generation. Mr. Touchy-Feely himself comes over, and on top of being an irredeemable shitbag, he magically losses all of his football playing ability, setting your team back tens of millions of dollars and so many valuable draft picks.

It's a joke.

All of it.

Manufactured to test you.

To destroy you.

And yet....

You remain, Cleveland fans. As hardened and steadfast as ever. And your city, while it has been through its knocks...well...I'll be damned, it really has been on the upswing. Arts, culture, economy....

You know what? If this is a goddamn social experiment, Cleveland, Ohio, you fucking pass, whatever that means. They've done everything to do and more. They've denigrated you in ways unimaginable and yet you still hold that passionate flame. You still persist. You still try and do good.

I never thought I'd say it but...

Damn, Cleveland Browns fans, you all are an inspiration, a true mark of the indomitable human spirit as well as the power of alcohol and chicken wings.

The trade of Myles Garret makes it clear the government is not yet over its meddling but given the current administration's view of science, I think we're pretty close to this study being shut down for good.

God speed, Cleveland Browns fans, and good luck.

$40 bucks for cardback Mindbender is or boxed Lifeline just couldn’t do it. Was I a fool for walking away?