u/Pizzacato567

Looking for a hiking backpack. I've taken an interest in the Sportlite 30L and Hikelite 30L. But I wonder if I can take it with me as a personal item. I want to take my carry on with me as well so if it's too big, I'd have to check one. If it's too big, what's another hiking backpack that is also small enough to be a personal item? Maybe the 25L option? Or it that too big as well?

My boyfriend and I are going through some issues and it feels like the relationship is more than likely going to end. It’s been 6 years. I got mad at him about something he said and it’s been making us realize somethings. We’ve been taking the space to think about things. We don’t want to breakup but I feel like it is going to happen.

I have not been well. I have not been productive at work at all because my brain is mush. Every minute feels like an eternity. I am so hurt and so sad and I am in so much pain. Last night, I kept waking up and I ended up having a dissociative episode and ended up calling a friend. Told her I was so scared because I was going to do something to myself. Also ended up having a dissociative seizure at some point. My feelings are all over the place because different alters have different feelings about it.

I feel like I’m too unwell for anyone to love me or marry me. I can sense that I don’t think it’s going to work out - and I am devastated. My main psychologist is on vacation for another week or so. I’m having so much problems coping. I don’t know how to deal with all of this.

My boyfriend and I are going through some issues and it feels like the relationship is more than likely going to end. It’s been 6 years. I got mad at him about something he said and it’s been making us realize somethings. We’ve been taking the space to think about things. We don’t want to breakup but I feel like it is going to happen.

I have not been well. I have not been productive at work at all because my brain is mush. Every minute feels like an eternity. I am so hurt and so sad and I am in so much pain. Last night, I kept waking up and I ended up having a dissociative episode and ended up calling a friend. Told her I was so scared because I was going to do something to myself. Also ended up having a dissociative seizure at some point. My feelings are all over the place because different alters have different feelings about it.

I feel like I’m too unwell for anyone to love me or marry me. I can sense that I don’t think it’s going to work out - and I am devastated. My main psychologist is on vacation for another week or so. I’m having so much problems coping. I don’t know how to deal with all of this.

We have been together for 6 years and considered getting married next year. We had a dry spell last year because something happened my mental health declined really badly. I got diagnosed with a disorder that I never expect. I also have CPTSD from CSA. I don’t know how I lived to see this year. He was extremely supportive and he’s been such an amazing boyfriend - he would be patient and kind and understanding - which is why this came as a shock. As of this year, we’ve been doing pretty well. Sex means a lot to him so I know last year affected him. Recently, we had a talk and he told me, ideally, he’d want a wife that would have sex with him everyday - but he ended up compromising (down to 3x a week) and told me he’d rather compromise than lose me.

He had “half jokingly” brought up the second wife idea
(over text). Turns out he did actually want to discuss if it could be an option for us. Said that it would help the mismatch issue so it would “alleviate” me from him asking for more frequent sex. He just mentioned being with another woman so casually. Like it was nothing. I got so mad at him. He said he didn’t expect me to get this mad and be this hurt about the suggestion. He KNOWS that him being with another woman would be devastating for me.

I feel terrible. I feel like this has shaken the foundation of the relationship I thought was had. I thought we would only ever want to devote ourselves to each other. I thought that I was special enough for him to only even want to marry me. I imagine all the things we’ve done together all the time we’ve spent together and it hurts. It hurts so so bad knowing he’d even suggest sharing this with someone else. He says that just because he could want something extra, doesn’t make me any less precious. He also talked about how it’s normal for men to be attracted to other women and have fantasies about them. I told him this was not the same thing - he’s suggesting making this real. I told him I question how committed he is to me if he could suggest this. He says he is committed to me - he hasn’t done anything and he’s taking the option off the table now that he knows Im hurt about it. But I am still so hurt and I am so sad. And I am so confused because the boyfriend I thought I knew seemed to only ever want to dedicate himself to me. So wtf happened?

I don’t know if the way I reacted really was too much. Would you guys have reacted like this too? Would have handled it calmly? I feel so so hurt. What can I do to even fix this. I love him so so much and this felt so out of character for him.

Edit: it’s worth saying that I do have PTSD (that I have been working on) and he also has a porn addiction. I know, maybe wasn’t the best idea but we fell in love deeply.

My bf and I have been together for 6 years and we started the conversation about marriage last year. For context, I have PTSD from CSA and he has a porn addiction that also started as a way to cope with childhood trauma. I know that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to start the relationship in the first place. But I remember having a convo with him about my trauma and letting him know that sex is not always easy for me before we got together. We have been friends for a long time and were deeply in love with each other. He still wanted to be with me and made me feel safe - so we got together.

Our relationship did start out slow sex wise. I needed to feel safe and comfortable first for the first year - but we did eventually start having it more often when I’d come over. I don’t remember how often but there were smaller gaps from time to time due to my therapy - and there was a 4 month gap due to grief of losing a mother figure (and my abuser was at the funeral). The worst gap was last year when my mental health got extremely bad and I was diagnosed with other disorders. It was so bad that I genuinely don’t know how I even lived to see this year. Everyday felt like a fight and the symptoms caused by my newly discovered disorder were really distressing. We didn’t have sex the whole year and he did support me through it all. He was extremely kind and so gentle. He was so patient and caring and was my biggest safe space. My love for him and trust in him has grown a lot because of how much he supported me. This year though, my mental health has improved a lot, so we’ve resumed.

Recently, he messaged me letting me know how badly last year affected him. He said that he doesn’t blame me at all for it - but he has needs. He feels like he’s been compromising a lot on his happiness and he’s not sure how much he’s willing to anymore. He said his ideal wife would be having sex with him daily and it’s sad to give up on that dream. He said his cup is empty and he can’t give anymore. I did say that if he really didn’t want to give up on his dream, that’s his right, but I cannot do everyday. He said he loves me so much and can’t imagine his life without me. The convo ended with us both agreeing to compromise. Since then, I come over 1-3 days for the week and we end up having sex on most days I come over. I won’t have sex that I don’t actually want so it is willingly. It’s been 2 months.

Recently however, he messaged me. We can be a little silly sometimes. He sent a weird message asking me if he could have a “second wife”. I genuinely thought he was talking about some woman in a video game but he said in real life. He said that it would “alleviate” some of the strain on me from him asking for frequent sex, then he said not to take it too seriously as he was only half joking and it was just a “fun idea that popped up” in his head. I went off on him. I feel so awful. I don’t feel like I’m special anymore because why would he even want what we have with another woman? I thought what we have was special to us only and he’d only want to ever share his future with me and would only ever want to marry me. It feels like it’s shaken the foundation of the relationship I thought we had. He said he really didn’t expect me to get this mad and if he knew if would hurt me so much, he wouldn’t have brought it up. He also knows it would kill me to see him with another woman because I’ve literally spoked to him about it before (I had a nightmare about it). He says that wanting something extra doesn’t make me any less precious. He explained that men have sexual desires for other women too - and I said ofc I knew that was normal but it wasn’t the same thing as suggesting it happening irl or trying to actually make the fantasy real. He said that “no man would say no to sex with an attractive woman if his wife gave him permission”. He then went on to talk again about his frustrations and how much he feels like he’s been needing to compromise for the last 5 years. At some point I told him we only even really see each other 1-2 days a week and he suggested “stopping by” sometimes in the week for a “10 min bj” in the car. I felt really really uncomfortable with this because why is there an expectation outside of when I come over? He said he’s been feeling reluctant to talk to me about these things because of times like these. He said he’s been suppressing and trying to deal with things alone but it’s too much.

I empathize with his need for more sex and I’ve always felt really bad for not being as active and I’ve been trying to make an effort - but this was just such an awful way to go about things imo. I feel really hurt and confused. I never expected this from him out of no where. It’s cliche to say, but our relationship had been really good otherwise. There was no sign of this possibly happening. There’s always been so much love and care and understanding. It had me wondering if maybe I overreacted. Anyways, I’d likely recommend therapy if we’re to continue. But other than that, I’m not sure how to fix this? Or if therapy even can? And how much of this is “normal” and how much of this could be due to porn addiction?

Hi! My boyfriend and I are having intimacy issues due to mismatched libidos. I am working on trauma and would not be able to or want to have sex every single day like he would. We are monogamous and had agreed to compromise but it seems that he’s still thinking about other possible solutions. He started a text convo with me about this idea and I really don’t think this was an okay way to start a convo about it but maybe I’m sensitive - so I figured it would ask people who actually have experience with these things. Is it okay to be this casual about bringing up the idea?

The convo (over text) goes:

Him: Babe, I would like your blessing to get a second wife

Me: lmao. Is this a new cute actress in a movie or something?

Him: No I mean irl. Hear me out. I know you're against the idea of sharing me but nothing would change in our dynamics, and it'd help alleviate some of the strain I'm putting on you asking for sex every single day. Well don't take it too seriously, I'm only half joking about it. Was just a fun idea that popped into my head lol.

——————

Needless to say, I got really mad and he didn’t think I’d get so upset at him. I’ve never been the type of person to even hint toward wanting it. In fact, I’ve said to him before that I would be devastated seeing him with another woman. But maybe I’m over reacting a bit? He and I joke around a lot in general so maybe that’s why he didn’t see my anger coming - but I also don’t think this a joke. Is this weird to you guys?

I was told it would be good to post here.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We’re thinking about getting engaged and married within the next year. We are having an issue with intimacy. I have severe PTSD from CSA - but I am working on it. I let my boyfriend know this before we got together. Last year, my mental health got really bad. I felt like a was fighting to live every single day. There was no sex at all during that time. It was a lot for me - but it was a lot for him too and I understand that.

We had a talk and he said that his ideal wife would be someone he’s having sex with everyday. That’s what would make him happy and he needed to decide if he was willing to sacrifice some of his happiness. He felt his “cup was empty”. He didn’t sound like he was willing to compromise on that at first. The past year affected him a lot. I understood. He did eventually say he was willing to compromise. I said I was too. So I’d try to increase and he’d try to decrease. Since then, we’ve been intimate most days I stay over with him (I stay with him about 2-3 days a week). But I think it could be more frequent if we lived together.

So today - he brought up the idea “half jokingly” about having a “second wife”. He said “our dynamic wouldn’t change” and it would maybe “relieve” me and not make me feel pressured to have sex as much. I told him I felt that was fucked up for him to even ask. He said that “men view sex differently” and also insisted that men would have sex with another woman if his wife were okay with it. He said men have sexual desire for other women even if they’re in a relationship. And I told him I understand that he would be sexually attracted to other women - but that’s different from him literally wanting to make a side woman a reality. We haven’t even gotten married yet and this is something that’s coming up.

He said he knew I would say no to it (so why ask?) but he didn’t think I would get hurt and upset. It felt like a slap in the face. I’ve never been a woman that’s okay with this and he knows that. Just him putting it on the table hurts. I have been trying. I feel like I’m not enough. If I were enough, he wouldn’t be asking to bring in another woman. Then he brought something up about how “just because I want a piece of wasabi with my sushi doesn’t make the sushi less precious”. Which I didn’t like.

He said “times like this make him feel like he can’t bring up things with me”. He said he’s been dealing with this alone and been compromising for years. It seems he’s had this expectation of frequent sex or a BJ even though we don’t live together. I think that’s unrealistic. Like he would stop by after work (on some of the days I don’t come over) - and I give him a BJ in the car - and then he goes back home. I don’t feel quite comfortable with that.

I don’t know how to get past this with him. I feel really hurt. It is worth mentioning he has a porn addiction so this could be affecting things with his thinking. I have trauma so maybe that’s affecting my thinking. I feel so hurt. It feels disrespectful to me and disrespectful to our relationship to even suggest something like this.

I want to feel like I’m a man’s “one and only”. Like - he’s only willing to view me as his “one and only” and not entertain the idea of making sex with another woman a reality. Is this weird behaviour from him or am I not getting it because I’m a woman?

I’m hoping for a bunch on men to let me know their perspective because I don’t really understand.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We’re thinking about getting engaged and married within the next year. We are having an issue with intimacy. I have severe PTSD from CSA - but I am working on it. I let my boyfriend know this before we got together. Last year, my mental health got really bad. I felt like a was fighting to live every single day. There was no sex at all during that time. It was a lot for me - but it was a lot for him too and I understand that.

We had a talk and he said that his ideal wife would be someone he’s having sex with everyday. That’s what would make him happy and he needed to decide if he was willing to sacrifice some of his happiness. He felt his “cup was empty”. He didn’t sound like he was willing to compromise on that at first. The past year affected him a lot. I understood. He did eventually say he was willing to compromise. I said I was too. So I’d try to increase and he’d try to decrease. Since then, we’ve been intimate most days I stay over with him (I stay with him about 2-3 days a week). But I think it could be more frequent if we lived together.

So today - he brought up the idea “half jokingly” about having a “second wife”. He said “our dynamic wouldn’t change” and it would maybe “relieve” me and not make me feel pressured to have sex as much. I told him I felt that was fucked up for him to even ask. He said that “men view sex differently” and also insisted that men would have sex with another woman if his wife were okay with it. He said men have sexual desire for other women even if they’re in a relationship. And I told him I understand that he would be sexually attracted to other women - but that’s different from him literally wanting to make a side woman a reality. We haven’t even gotten married yet and this is something that’s coming up.

He said he knew I would say no to it (so why ask?) but he didn’t think I would get hurt and upset. It felt like a slap in the face. I’ve never been a woman that’s okay with this and he knows that. Just him putting it on the table hurts. I have been trying. I feel like I’m not enough. If I were enough, he wouldn’t be asking to bring in another woman. Then he brought something up about how “just because I want a piece of wasabi with my sushi doesn’t make the sushi less precious”. Which I didn’t like.

He said “times like this make him feel like he can’t bring up things with me”. He said he’s been dealing with this alone and been compromising for years. It seems he’s had this expectation of frequent sex or a BJ even though we don’t live together. I think that’s unrealistic. Like he would stop by after work (on some of the days I don’t come over) - and I give him a BJ in the car - and then he goes back home. I don’t feel quite comfortable with that.

I don’t know how to get past this with him. I feel really hurt. It is worth mentioning he has a porn addiction so this could be affecting things with his thinking. I have trauma so maybe that’s affecting my thinking. I feel so hurt. It feels disrespectful to me and disrespectful to our relationship to even suggest something like this.

I want to feel like I’m a man’s “one and only”. Like - he’s only willing to view me as his “one and only” and not entertain the idea of making sex with another woman a reality. Is this weird behaviour from him or am I not getting it because I’m a woman?

So I’ve been working in the field for 8 years. But I’m not close to how good or experienced you’d expect someone to be 8 years into the field.

I have a CS degree. My jobs have not been ideal. My first job was a disaster and I stayed in it for 4 years (partially thanks to the pandemic). I was pretty much their only developer and there was no one looking over my terrible code. I coded chatbots sometimes and they also used Wordpress (Elementor) for most projects to get lots of sites out quickly. My next job started out good. I got to work on an impactful React project (with Ruby on Rails backend) and did mainly tickets for another project using Ruby on Rails. I did get a little more senior help here. But after a while, it’s also been lots of Wordpress again. Also been a lot of content population which is mind numbing. I haven’t improved much.

I won’t trauma dump but my mental health has contributed to me staying in jobs like this. It’s also contributed to me not really doing projects outside of work or learning much new things. I’m trying hard to improve it and with that, I’ve realized I don’t want to stay at this level and I want to be better.

I’d like to get better but I’d like to figure out what a good path is. I’d like to find a job that gives me more experience and also lets me learn from other developers. Also one that’s more engaging than the one I have currently and lets me code more. But to get a job like that, I’ll have to improve enough to get through to getting hired. I don’t feel like they’ll look my way with my current experience. I’m also worried that they’ll see that I’ve been in the field for 8 years and my experience doesn’t match up.

I currently have most my experience with Wordpress due to my jobs. We mainly use the builder but also HTML, JS, CSS and PHP. I don’t want to do that forever. I also have some React and Ruby on Rails experience too. I do have a personal project I’d like to work on using React and Node.js . What else would you recommend?

Looking to buy an apartment. I noticed some of the active ones in my price range don’t look too great. However, I’ve been seeing some nicer ones that recently went under offer. Was wondering if it still makes sense to make an offer even though the listing is now under offer? What are the chances of possibly getting the place if I put in an offer? What if the offer I put in is below the requested price? Is it futile to try to get somewhere that is under offer?

I struggle so much with my energy that it’s crazy. I am constantly exhausted. My family often just think I’m lazy.

My brain feels foggy all the time. I struggle so hard to focus on things. It feels impossible sometimes. Especially with my work. I feel like I’m barely productive and don’t really get anything done. But I don’t feel like I’m doing that on purpose? I feel like I have to take like 2 naps a day sometimes - even when I get a full nights sleep. I barely eat sometimes because making food for myself feels like it takes so much energy that I don’t have. My aunt thinks it’s because I don’t exercise enough but exercise also feels like this monumental task. I am in my phone mostly but it’s not really because I want to - it’s just the thing that requires the least energy.

I feel like a zombie. It’s really hard sometimes getting these naps in because I live with family and sometimes they see me nap or wake up late and they comment - and I feel so bad for it. Or I struggle to do the chores so they don’t like that either. I do try very hard to do them but honestly, some weeks I fall behind. I don’t want to make excuses because I should be helping around the house and I don’t want to give anyone else extra work to do - but I am just so tired. I don’t even do the things I like anymore because I’m too tired or my brain is too foggy for me to do them or enjoy them. If I mention I’m tired, they either tell me they are also tired or “what do I have to be tired about when I rest all day”. If my room gets messy, they get disappointed in me. Functioning is so hard. Or maybe I give myself too much grace?

Ive heard that this disorder “takes a lot of resources” to manage and that your brain and nervous system is doing a lot. But sometimes I worry that I use this as an excuse.

What has helped you with your energy levels? How do you know if you have an issue or you’re just making excuses? Do vitamins help?

I struggle so much with my energy that it’s crazy. I am constantly exhausted. My family often just think I’m lazy.

My brain feels foggy all the time. I struggle so hard to focus on things. It feels impossible sometimes. Especially with my work. I feel like I’m barely productive and don’t really get anything done. But I don’t feel like I’m doing that on purpose? I feel like I have to take like 2 naps a day sometimes - even when I get a full nights sleep. I barely eat sometimes because making food for myself feels like it takes so much energy that I don’t have. My aunt thinks it’s because I don’t exercise enough but exercise also feels like this monumental task. I am in my phone mostly but it’s not really because I want to - it’s just the thing that requires the least energy.

I feel like a zombie. It’s really hard sometimes getting these naps in because I live with family and sometimes they see me nap or wake up late and they comment - and I feel so bad for it. Or I struggle to do the chores so they don’t like that either. I do try very hard to do them but honestly, some weeks I fall behind. I don’t want to make excuses because I should be helping around the house and I don’t want to give anyone else extra work to do - but I am just so tired. I don’t even do the things I like anymore because I’m too tired or my brain is too foggy for me to do them or enjoy them. If I mention I’m tired, they either tell me they are also tired or “what do I have to be tired about when I rest all day”. If my room gets messy, they get disappointed in me. Functioning is so hard. Or maybe I give myself too much grace?

Ive heard that this disorder “takes a lot of resources” to manage and that your brain and nervous system is doing a lot. But sometimes I worry that I use this as an excuse.

What has helped you with your energy levels? How do you know if you have an issue or you’re just making excuses? Do vitamins help?

I’ve been with my partner for 5/6 years. He is so so sweet and so kind and so patient. He’s tried his hardest to be there for me. He hardly complains. We had a year of no sex because I was in such a bad state (we’re able to now though). He picks me up from sessions and have even been to sessions, helps me through episodes multiple times. He’s so dependable and keeps me close and cuddles me when I’m sad. He’s understanding and gentle. He is my person. I’ve never felt safer than when I’m with him. It might be unhealthy but he’s one of the biggest reasons I continue to press on.

But I don’t know if he wants to marry me anymore. I brought up the idea of marriage with him recently because we’re both getting older and have been together for a while. He’s said before that he wants to marry me someday but just saying it and doing things to make it happen and 2 different things. We didn’t get very far in the convo because I mentioned I’d like us to think more about it but I just wanted to get a conversation going. It was exciting for me because I just can’t wait to be able to go to bed beside him every night and wake up next to him every single day. I always want to be around him. I want to build a home with him. And build a family with him someday. My heart is just filled with so much love for him.

Few months later, he admits that it hurt him a lot but that convo about marriage for him wasn’t as exciting as it was for me. He doesn’t want to get married for now. His reasons included the lack of sex when he loves sex a lot. Said that he doesn’t know if he can go a year without it like that again (with some exceptions). He said he felt like his cup was empty. He is drained and has been not been thinking about what he truly wants for a marriage. He said he also worries for the future because what if I have an episode while we have kids? But he said he loves me so much, I am his best friend, his favourite person and this is a hard convo to have. He didn’t shut down the idea of marriage totally - but we’re definitely not getting married for now. This disorder is going to be around for a bit so idk what this means for us. I really do appreciate him being honest - and I understand it - but it still hurts. The convo ended with me saying I’m working on it with my therapists and I’m trying harder with intimacy.

And I have been trying harder. Right now, everything seems perfect with our relationship. We’re intimate, I don’t cry in front of him as much. But I feel like I need to just be \*not ill\* around him. I have so many things that I just conceal because I don’t want him to see me getting worse. I need to not show signs and not be traumatized. He didn’t ask me to do this but I don’t want to drain him anymore. I really try so hard not to drag other people into my own shit if I can help it. I really do. But I feel lonely. I love him so so much. I feel like I cling to him a lot these days. I don’t want to drain from his cup anymore. He deserves better than that. It’s not fair to deprive him. There’s a lot I feel he doesn’t say because he’s worried about how it will affect me. Worth mentioning as well that, while I cry a lot, I’ve never yelled at him, called him names or been hostile or rude. Our talks are usually calm (with me often crying though) and he’s usually comforting.

I’m just so sad. I understand his reasons. They are very valid - but I’m still sad he wouldn’t marry me now. Does my disorder have to go away for me to be worth marrying? Like maybe I’m delaying the inevitable. Or maybe I’m being self sabotaging by prematurely ruining something good because a part of me just wants to leave him before he can leave me or leave me. Or maybe even leave him because I feel like he deserves better - or deserves to be happier - even if that isn’t with me. I cry about so much random shit and I know it hurts him to see me cry but I also just feel like maybe I’m too much sometimes. He also has his own personal stuff to deal with. Idk if I should just rip the bandaid off and set him free.

I remember my ex telling me (while together) that I was “lucky to have him because no man would choose to be with me knowing I have this going on” and I’m starting to feel like he’s right. If I’ve left a kind and patient man empty, then what hope is there for me?

I’ve been with my partner for 5/6 years. He is so so sweet and so kind and so patient. He’s tried his hardest to be there for me. He hardly complains. We had a year of no sex because I was in such a bad state (we’re able to now though). He picks me up from sessions and have even been to sessions, helps me through episodes multiple times. He’s so dependable and keeps me close and cuddles me when I’m sad. He’s understanding and gentle. He is my person. I’ve never felt safer than when I’m with him. It might be unhealthy but he’s one of the biggest reasons I continue to press on.

But I don’t know if he wants to marry me anymore. I brought up the idea of marriage with him recently because we’re both getting older and have been together for a while. He’s said before that he wants to marry me someday but just saying it and doing things to make it happen and 2 different things. We didn’t get very far in the convo because I mentioned I’d like us to think more about it but I just wanted to get a conversation going. It was exciting for me because I just can’t wait to be able to go to bed beside him every night and wake up next to him every single day. I always want to be around him. I want to build a home with him. And build a family with him someday. My heart is just filled with so much love for him.

Few months later, he admits that it hurt him a lot but that convo about marriage for him wasn’t as exciting as it was for me. He doesn’t want to get married for now. His reasons included the lack of sex when he loves sex a lot. Said that he doesn’t know if he can go a year without it like that again (with some exceptions). He said he felt like his cup was empty. He is drained and has been not been thinking about what he truly wants for a marriage. He said he also worries for the future because what if I have an episode while we have kids? But he said he loves me so much, I am his best friend, his favourite person and this is a hard convo to have. He didn’t shut down the idea of marriage totally - but we’re definitely not getting married for now. This disorder is going to be around for a bit so idk what this means for us. I really do appreciate him being honest - and I understand it - but it still hurts. The convo ended with me saying I’m working on it with my therapists and I’m trying harder with intimacy.

And I have been trying harder. Right now, everything seems perfect with our relationship. We’re intimate, I don’t cry in front of him as much. But I feel like I need to just be \*not ill\* around him. I have so many things that I just conceal because I don’t want him to see me getting worse. I need to not show signs and not be traumatized. He didn’t ask me to do this but I don’t want to drain him anymore. I really try so hard not to drag other people into my own shit if I can help it. I really do. But I feel lonely. I love him so so much. I feel like I cling to him a lot these days. I don’t want to drain from his cup anymore. He deserves better than that. It’s not fair to deprive him. There’s a lot I feel he doesn’t say because he’s worried about how it will affect me. Worth mentioning as well that, while I cry a lot, I’ve never yelled at him, called him names or been hostile or rude. Our talks are usually calm (with me often crying though) and he’s usually comforting.

I’m just so sad. I understand his reasons. They are very valid - but I’m still sad he wouldn’t marry me now. Does my disorder have to go away for me to be worth marrying? Like maybe I’m delaying the inevitable. Or maybe I’m being self sabotaging by prematurely ruining something good because a part of me just wants to leave him before he can leave me or leave me. Or maybe even leave him because I feel like he deserves better - or deserves to be happier - even if that isn’t with me. I cry about so much random shit and I know it hurts him to see me cry but I also just feel like maybe I’m too much sometimes. He also has his own personal stuff to deal with. Idk if I should just rip the bandaid off and set him free.

I remember my ex telling me (while together) that I was “lucky to have him because no man would choose to be with me knowing I have this going on” and I’m starting to feel like he’s right. If I’ve left a kind and patient man empty, then what hope is there for me?

Trying to move and looking at budgeting around 70-80k for rent. I’ve been looking through the Classifieds and while I see a lot of things in that range, a lot are units on someone’s property or the side of a house. I (and my family) would feel a lot safer with me in an actual apartment preferably in a gated community/complex.

But how realistic is that budget? Found one for 90k but is it that I need to push my budget up to that to find an apartment? Could 85k be realistic too?

Do supermarkets use Apple Pay? How many of them do? Places like Pricesmart or Lees or Loshusan?

Also do the card machines use swipe? I realized I usually just insert or tap so I never considered swiping - but I don’t think I see a swipe bay on the card machines? But I could be wrong.

I have a physical prepaid card that only has a swipe (I can also use it from my Apple Pay) but it can’t tap or insert . How useable is it in Jamaica?