u/Plantsonata

This was from a friend who I’d considered my best friend until she ghosted me out of her life 3 years ago.

I will say that I had mostly moved on and didn’t think about her much anymore. Probably 1-3 times a week, as opposed to nonstop thinking about it back when she ghosted me. Typing out "1-3 times a week" did feel like maybe not having fully moved on, but we were pretty close so being able to go that long without thinking about feels like an accomplishment.

She lives in an area that had terrible fires a few weeks ago. Greater Spokane area, if you saw it on the news. It was almost a week after the fires had broken out that I thought about them affecting her. I’d already reached out to multiple other friends that I knew lived there and how they were doing. I went to check her Facebook page to see how she was doing, and I didn’t see anything about the fires.

But I did see that her dad died this year. In fact, as I scrolled back further, it looks like he died several months ago.

I felt simultaneous weirdly conflicting feelings. One, that I really had been successful and not checking her social media anymore.

The second was an overwhelming amount of sympathy, because her dad was her favorite person, maybe even more so than her husband.

I debated about sending her a message, then decided to do it. I texted her I had wondered how she was doing with the wildfire smoke (she was not in the direct fire zone but would have been hit with awful smoke), checked her page, then saw her dad had died. I said he had been a good man and a good father, and it had been an honor to know him. And I was sorry for her loss.

That was it. Nothing else. 

My girlfriend asked later if my ex-friend had blocked me, how would she even see the message? I checked the details and it showed my ex-friend had read the message a few hours after I sent it.

That was 2 weeks ago. I felt and continue to feel an immense sense of peace. 

I know that people say to forgive and forget because it’s healthier for you, but forgiving is something I’ve personally struggled with in my life. This is when I finally felt like I understood it. I wish I could get myself to the point of forgiving more easily than it taking someone’s dad dying to do it, but I’m going to continue to try to do that. And I'm going to work on finding closure for situations where I don't actually contact them.

I am fine with never again speaking to that friend, and I don’t expect her to ever reach back out. It is what it is. Empathizing with her and actually sharing it felt like the right thing to do.

My (34F) fiance (28F) and I have been trying to find people with a similar situation but haven’t really been able to find one.

My fiance’s son (3.5M) dad (30M) has every other weekend, plus 5 days attached to one of the weekends. They had a 1 year parenting plan in place when their son was 15 or 16 months old where the ex got the kid on Sundays from 9am to 7pm. He kept threatening for months to take her back to court whenever his work schedule changed, then there was a big fiasco over that 4th of July where he demanded the son be taken back early. About 2 weeks later, he filed for 50/50 on the cover letter, but the actual paperwork said every other weekend, I think. A few weeks later, the paperwork said he was asking for 1 week to my fiance’s 2 weeks. She proposed he had 1 week to her having 3 weeks, and he ended up getting an additional weekend.

Since then, he doesn’t say anything to her whatsoever about their son, absolutely no communication. Pretty standard. But he will not greet or say goodbye to their son. He completely ignores him during pickup, is almost always pretending to be very busy on his phone when we open the door. Once in a while as he’s walked away, we’ve heard him whisper a question to the son, but have never heard a greeting aside from the 2 times right after court last year. She pretty much ignores their ex and has been for years, focusing solely on her son and always making sure she’s happy to see him and that she loves him. I do the same.

Same thing for when my fiance picks him up. No goodbyes. The son has been shoved out the door and the door slammed. Many, many times, the son had clearly been napping until we showed up for pickup and was very disoriented.

A year ago, the son was very upset that he didn’t say bye to dad, so my fiance called him on the phone. The ex waited until the very last second before it went to voicemail to pick up, and just said “what.” My fiance explained that their son was upset he didn’t say bye, then told the son to go ahead. Son gave a very sweet, long, tearful goodbye to his dad, saying he didn’t say bye to him and he wanted to say bye. I’ve been on the other end of the phone often, I know that at that volume, you could hear the son and what he was saying. There was complete silence on the ex’s end, then my fiance said “okay, thanks (ex’s name).” The ex hung up without saying goodbye. The son erupted into tears and was inconsolable for 2 hours. He finally said “but daddy did not say bye to me.”

The son has not been wanting to go to dad’s for at least a year, but the last 3 pickups have been especially brutal. He’s started saying he doesn’t want to go to dad’s, that he’s scared of dad. This time, he was clinging to my fiance and the ex was 2 feet away when he said clear as a bell “I’m scared of dad.” Ex continued to ignore everyone, didn’t say a single word, and just stared at the side of the door. No comfort, no reassurance, not a single hi.

But since the current parenting plan was finalized, the ex has not missed a single day. 2 years ago when my fiance and the ex were sort of on talking terms, he missed like 8 or 9 of his days and never asked for time back. He even missed Father’s Day 2024, and we found out later he went to go visit his new girlfriend.

He never calls the son and never asks to call him. When they were still on talking terms, he snapped at my fiance multiple times when she offered for him to hang out with their son that he “only wanted his court-ordered time.” 

From what the son has said to us, it doesn’t sound like they do a lot with him. They shove a tablet in front of his face from minute 1 (we’ve literally seen dad strap him into the car seat and immediately shove the tablet in front of his face) and he watches a lot of shows. We get that every household has different rules for screen time and it’s not that we don’t allow him screen time, it’s what the tablet represents: ignoring the son so he can do whatever it is he wants. My fiance said that before they split up and before the temporary parenting plan, her ex was never alone with their son for more than 3 hours, and that only happened once.

The reason we keep puzzling over his motivation is that it’s in the parenting plan to remediate at age 5, i.e., for school. The ex won’t be able to do his week because we moved 3 and a half hours away and my fiance is the custodial parent.

But we’re wondering how hard he’s going to fight before giving in, and possibly demanding 50/50 time in the summer. The kicker is that he can’t even stand his current time, and I really don’t think he at his core wants every other week.

According to my fiance, he also despises driving (he was the passenger princess in their relationship) and he's been having to drive 7+ hours every other week for over a year now. So we've been thinking this has to be wearing on him, yet he still keeps showing up.

And he had to get part time daycare for him during the week the son is there. Pretty much most daycares make you pay the same amount no matter how much a kid goes because they can't afford to not have a guaranteed spot.

Does anyone have any experience with these two conflicting actions? Complete disinterest in the kid while also never missing his time? If he actually wanted his son, was happy to see him, and sounded like he engaged with him while he was there no matter what it was, that would be one thing and I think my fiance would be a lot more at peace with the time her ex gets. But it sounds like his girlfriend has been spending the majority of the time and care with the son when he's not on the tablet.

Other people have assured my fiance that he’ll drop out of the fatherhood thing and be less engaged when he gets bored. I’ve never experienced or witnessed him wanting to be a dad once, including stories from other people about him. She says that she thinks he does want to be at least an every other weekend dad. But it feels like even that is too much for him.

I know everyone is different and it's really impossible to tell what an unknown stranger described by an internet stranger is feeling. I think I just want to hear some similar situations from other people and how they evolved.

I bought a house a few months ago and would like to finish fencing the backyard but I need to budget for it. I've got 2 Australian shepard/husky mixes that would love being able to run (and I would love to keep them from escaping) and a 3.5 year old stepson but have run into some unforseen expenses this year.

All of the fencing companies I've seen around the area say they'll give you a free estimate but I don't want to get on any spam call and email lists before I'm ready.

What have other people paid this year per board feet of cedar fence?

Bonus questions: Who would you recommend and who would you avoid?

My fiancé's custody plan was settled for my stepson (now 3.5) just after he turned 2. It's in the plan that they will remediate when he turns 5 next fall.

Currently, my fiancé and her ex have joint custody, and she gets him 70% of the time while her ex gets 30%. He gets every other weekend plus 5 days attached to one of the weeks.

Her ex does not communicate with us at all. Won't say hi or bye to the kid in her presence. Doesn't call, hasn't asked to call. If my fiancé messages him for input on OurFamilyWizard, for anything related to medical appointments, he will ignore it. She recorded a video this year of their son singing happy birthday to dad and sent it to him for his birthday, and he ignored it.

This was his year to claim for taxes, but my fiance consulted an accountant and asked about the Trump account, since it popped up on her tax form. She messaged her ex his thoughts on the Trump Account and if they should open one.

Surprisingly, her ex did reply, but only to say he'd never heard of a Trump Account, it had not popped up when he did his taxes (it also popped up as a question for me), and he never responded when she said she'd give him 2 weeks to think about it.

He only messages about injuries if they're pretty big. He never messages about illness or inquiries if he gave the kid medication.

We never hear about extracurriculars from the kid, and mostly just hear about the shows he watched on his "orange tablet his dad bought for him" (not opposed to some screen time, opposed to the fact it sounds like he just parks the kid with it during his time).

My fiancé said he was like this for the entirety of their 7-year relationship. Always deferring to her, especially once their son was born since she had helped raise her younger brothers.

We're going to push for more custody which I think we'll be granted since we moved several hours away and she's the custodial parent. It should look like he gets every other weekend with at least a solid week each month in the summer, assuming he wants something similar to the current status quo while taking into account the school schedule.

However, we've been talking about trying to get legal custody. Her ex not communicating and almost never giving an answer makes it rough for joint custody decisions.

Is getting sole legal custody feasible if he doesn't agree in mediation and we go back to court? (I'm assuming if we go back to court, it would not only be over legal custody). We have been documenting all of this. We don't want a fight for best interests when it's already a struggle. What we've been doing now is "I'm taking him to the doctor for sleep issues, is there any information you feel like is relevant to this appointment? Please let me know by X date." It's doable, but our lawyer said if he wanted to, he could push back on that.

Stepson (3.5M) has been forced by his dad (30M) and his dad's girlfriend (29F) to call her "Mom" starting 2 years ago when she started coming around.

My (34F) fiancé (28F) and I have never forced him to call me mom, ever. He just calls me by my first name. Sometimes he'll jokingly call me mom or dad when playing pretend, but I'm just my first name to him which is fine by me.

My fiancé's original temporary parenting plan meant she had him except for Sundays from 9am to 7pm. In November 2024, after going to court, it changed to every other weekend. Starting in July 2025, dad's weekend became 3 days (Th-S). Then when stepson turned 3, dad got every other weekend plus 5 days, the attached Monday - Friday, to one of the weekends, to make it a full 7 days.

Dad's girlfriend only moved in with him in November of 2024 and often visits her parents on the weekend in the next state.

All of this to say, she has not spent much time with him and I have. I've actually spent more time with stepson than his dad has, and I passed it a while back. I moved in with her in July of 2024. We figured we'd let him pick a name for me if he wants one.

Dad won't speak to my fiancé or me, and refused to meet me. Girlfriend ran away from us when we tried to introduce ourselves last year at a park during an exchange.

We use OurFamilyWizard to communicate. Part of the current parenting plan has an order to remediate once stepson turns 5. We haven't said anything to him about it, partly because it probably won't look good for remediation, but also it's hard to have a conversation when he refuses to communicate and ignores all messages on OFW.

It's really disrespectful to my fiancé as she's such a good mom (and dad knows it and has always said in paperwork and court that she's a good mom), and hurts me from time to time. I've cared more for him as a parent than either of them have and possibly ever will.

There's a part of me that wants to tell him when he's older that he's been forced to call dad's girlfriend "Mom," but it's not my place so I won't. I don't know what's the right way to tell him. But I know in his shoes, I'd be pissed if I was told I'd been forced to call my dad's girlfriend "Mom," and it becomes habit after a while.

Stepson will sometimes refer to her as "Mom," or "Mama [her name]." He's told us she hits him, but CPS has not gone far. It sounds like she's the one who's doing the most care of him with baths, tooth brushing, etc., but he's been telling us the past few months about her yelling at him more, so it sounds like she's gotten pretty resentful.

Mostly just venting but if anyone has any advice, that would be appreciated. It's hard because he's so little. He tells us that he has to call her "mom" but he doesn't really know enough to tell them off.

Background: my (34F) fiance (28F) has a child (3.5M) with her ex (30M). They split up when stepson (SS) was about 6 months old. Fiance and I started dating when SS was 18months old.

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SS literally cannot conceive of a time when fiance and I were not together. She'll show him old pictures when he was a baby of him and her, or her before him/pregnant with him, and he'll ask "Where's (me/OP)?"

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His dad also started dating around the same time, and he's been with his new girlfriend (29F) since. They've been forcing SS to call her mom. We have never forced SS to call me mom or anything similar.

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My fiance herself is a child of divorce, and also quite young. However, her parents split when she was 3, and she does remember them together. My parents have been married for 40 years next month and... Probably should have been divorced.

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Does anyone have experience growing up never remembering their parents together, and with new significant others? Did you feel secure and loved? Did you feel distress that your parents weren't together? Did you feel weirded out later that you were forced to call a stepparent "Mom" or "Dad" before you could really make that choice and understanding?

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I know my fiance worries about SS feeling upset. I worry, too, but honestly, I feel that she left at a "good" time so that he doesn't have any memories of his parents being together. I'm sure other issues will arise, though. I want to be prepared to help guide him through the turmoil if/when it comes and if/when he turns to me for comfort and guidance.

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I've talked to 2 piercers so far about this piercing, neither had heard of it.

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First one said she thought she could, but I wanted to follow up more with her to make sure she knew I didn't want a vertical helix. Something about her answer makes me think that's what she thought I was asking about. She's very picky and only does ear piercings, but also not industrials. She only has 2 or 3 years of experience.

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Second one has over 30 years of experience with all types of body piercings and said he didn't think it was feasible to put a piercing there because that's where the cartilage is weakest, and that it will never heal. This was a general statement, not for just me and my anatomy. We took my MIL to get her daith pierced and I asked if I had the anatomy for it, but didn't even get into it because of his answer. He said he does pierce industrials, but that they never truly heal because of how weak the cartilage is there.

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Thoughts? Should I keep searching for a different piercer, or should I give up on this piercing? It looks so cool and I've wanted it since I saw it, but not if it's never really going to heal.

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If you've gotten this piercing, what was your experience with healing it?

It's a signed book I should never have loaned it, no one lecture me about it, I've already called myself dumb. I had loaned her close to 10 books she'd returned previously and this was the only one that was signed.

I've asked for my book back 3 times. The first time was just after she had made it clear she was no longer friends with me. She said she had already set it aside, she was at a conference, and as soon as she returned she would be dropping it off.

No book. Messaged her again after 2 weeks because I just want to be done. Sent "hey [name], I'd like to arrange my book back when it's convenient, I'm open to all methods. Please let me know," which was the same type of message I'd sent the first time. She read the message but didn't say anything.

Sent another follow-up 4 days later asking if we could arrange it in the next week. She sent back a long nasty note, saying it was petty of me to reach out and ask, she had been going to do it when she damn well pleased, that it was a lot of effort for "some old used book worth $11 at best," and that she would be keeping it to offset payments she claimed I owed her for Spotify.

Note: I don't use Spotify, the shared family plan was between her and my girlfriend, and my girlfriend had tried to pay her multiple times, all of which our former friend refused.

I'm super pissed, and was going to send her a letter demanding the return, then go to small claims court just because she started being nasty. But honestly, I do have other signed books by the author, and it's a lot of energy and time to go to small claims court over this. I do want to. But I'm going back to grad school in the fall, I commute almost 2 hours a day, and my girlfriend and I have a 3 year old. Yet I'm still pissed she had the book, was going to return it, then decided she was keeping it out of spite.

I did everything right, I didn't allow myself to be drawn into arguments, I was very polite, I told her I respected her decision to step back, etc.

Years ago, a roommate and I went separate ways because she turned out to be a psychopath (my childhood cat had died and she told me she couldn't feel bad for me because she believed she'd "had a harder life than me). I ended up with a few of her things by accident and tried and tried to return them. She would tell me when she was free and then kept canceling, but never tried to follow-up with me. I'd even said I would bring them to her. After 2 weeks, I quit trying, because my old roommate never asked when it was convenient for me. I still kept them for another almost 2 years until I moved out of that apartment, on the off chance she decided to get her items.

I just wish people would give me some of that energy back. I even offered to do porch pickup and drive to this former friend with my book, offered to send her money to mail it, etc.