u/Queasy-Army7389

NSFW as some sensitive topics are covered (abuse, sexual assault, etc). Not graphic but could be triggering for some.

I come from a very fragmented family and I am no contact with my parents. My last serious partner was abusive. I she r*ped me, cheated on me (cheated on me on the same day she r*ped me!!), gaslit me, used a victim mentality to manipulate me, physically and socially isolated me from friends and family. Even more happened but it's a lot to type out, and it might dox me.

It was all too much and lead to a mental health crisis. In my MH crisis I lost control and got arrested for DV. I never meant to hurt or scare anyone, my mind and body had been in overdrive for years. I feel awful about what I did even though for over a decade I was putting up with her shit every day. There's a chance she reported me for something else too which was not investigated.

Having no partner or close family makes me feel lonely a lot. Finding a new partner is hard because of my arrest. I use the apps for casual dates but if I told anyone my past I would get banned, so I don't look for serious.

I am scared to meet people romantically in my usual "third spaces" because if people heard my story they might assume I am abusive and inherently violent and I wil get banned or made to feel unwelcome in the places I usually hang out.

This is such an isolating experience. My life is in many ways, good and full, but I would just love to hold someone's hand, have our own little in-jokes, feel the weight of their head on my chest, and feel connected to someone. I don't know if it will happen because of my reluctance to try make that type of connection, but also unfair judgement if I was to disclose my past.

To cut a long story short, I was abused and eventually arrested for my reaction to sustained trauma.

There are many challenges to the aftermath of this situation: careers, relationships and travel are all more complicated.

I am scared about forming new romantic relationships and progressing further in my government career because of my arrest that occured because I couldn't handle the abuse I was being put through. Our minds aren't built to deal with these situations and sometimes we crack.

I really need to hear some stories from those who turned their life around after situations similar to mine. Please do share if you can 🫂

To cut a long story short - I am a victim/survivor of an abusive relationship. My abuser drove me to a mental health crisis in which I was arrested for DV related offense, but thankfully never charged. I don't fancy writing everything out here, but a lot happened and I am in no way proud of how I reacted.

I want to get out there, date, meet people and jusy have some fun! I feel like I am lacking a bit of confidence though, because of my own actions but also I am worried about ending up with another problematic partner and how that could effect me.

Looking for advice about dating after (and during) trauma and similar experiences, if you are willing to share of course :) ty ty

I was in a relationship that one way or the other was abusive.

I was belittled infront of friends, isolated from family, baseless accusations of cheating, stole my glasses, had to reply to texts ASAP, physically and sexually assaulted, cheated on me with multiple guys. Used to go off sick from work for months after one bad day. Told me she would die if I ever left her. I let her get away with it because I loved her and she had mental health problems.

I ended up having a mental health crisis and smashed some shit up and grabbed her. Shoved her out my way when she told me she cheated on me. Got arrested foe the stuff in my mental health crisis (no charge/conviction, thankfully). I would shout a lot but after countless boundary violations.

I am in therapy working through all this. We broke up nearly 2 years ago now.

I just feel so confused by everything that happened. I feel trapped by my arrest in making new romantic connections. If I am lucky enough to meet someone new I am terrified of hurting them.

I am so lost in all this trauma.

I was in an abusive relationship which broke down a few years ago. Due to the amount of abuse and length of the relationship I developed issues around emotional regulation and displayed some violent behaviours that I am deeply ashamed of i.e. reactive abuse/trauma response - without going into details I broke some objects and assaulted my abusive partner. I was arrested (not charged) and on another occasion reported to authorities but no investigation took place because of my reactions to abuse. Some of the accusations presented to me were not accurate. I was subject to a range of abusive behavours including reproductive coercion, SA, violence and coercive control.

I want to start dating again. I did date a bit in past but took a break to get some therapy to understand my behaviour (my therapist told me I was abused, I went there with a lot of self blame).

Obviously someone in my position faces many issues dating, but one issue is learning to trust myself:

* trusting myself not to hurt someone/react to future abuse/that I wasn't the problem

* trusting my judgement regarding a suitable or even non-abusive partner

how can I learn to trust yourself or a potential new partner? I am open to any and all advice on this. Especially keen to hear from those with similar experiences, but I welcome useful advice from anyone

I was in an abusive relationship which broke down a few years ago. Due to the amount of abuse and length of the relationship I developed issues around emotional regulation and displayed some violent behaviours that I am deeply ashamed of i.e. reactive abuse/trauma response. I was arrested (not charged) and on another occasion reported to authorities but no investigation took place because of my reactions to abuse. I was subject to a range of abusive behavours from reproductive coercion, SA, violence and coercive control.

I want to start dating again. I did date a bit in past but took a break to get some therapy to understand my behaviour (my therapist told me I was abused, I went there with a lot of self blame).

Obviously someone in my position faces many issues dating, but one issue is learning to trust myself:

* trusting myself not to hurt someone/react to future abuse/that I wasn't the problem

* trusting my judgement regarding a suitable or even non-abusive partner

has anyone else had similar experiences (even if the authorities didn't get involved)? how did you learn to trust yourself or a potential new partner? I am open to any and all advice on this

I posted here a recently on a similar theme. Thanks to those who helped me ❤️

To cut a long story short I am a male victim of abuse (both childhood and in a romantic relationship). The abusive romantic relationship left me having extreme panic attacks and I was arrested but never charged for an event that happened in a state of panic. I've been doing a lot of work in therapy to understand my behaviour and this is where I learned I was subject to coercive control (as well and physical violence, sexual assault and cheating).

A lot of men do blame shift and yeah I did shitty things which were driven by anxiety, trauma and stress. I am not proud of my past but I have come to appreciate the context around my behaviour.

My friends do believe me when I say I was abused because they saw how shitty she was to me - they were witnesses to my abuse. I am scared though that if I was to tell someone new (friend, potential partner, whatever) how I reacted (a minor assault and criminal damage) that I would be judged unfairly. She did those things many times but brainwashed me didn't recognise it as abuse.

I know that tbh very few people actually need to know this information, however, I want to try and be open with certain peoole.

How can I manage my fear of not being believed? I feel like this fear is holding me back from being open with potential partners or friends/family who might need to know.

NSFW as covers abuse. Nothing graphic here.

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I (M, 30s, based in UK) had a severe mental health crisis a few years ago. My ex (F, same age) was abusive: physical abuse, coercive control and even sexual assault were used against me. I was completely brainwashed into serving her and working in a job I hated to be her support. I tried so hard to make her happy that I lost so much sense of self. I was in a constant state of panic and none of my friends could recognise the man infront of them.

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I really struggled with self harm and one day thought I was really going to hurt myself. I hit a chair instead to save myself as it were. I also grabbed my ex in a panic attack (it wasnt intentional, just something I did in a state of panic(. She phoned emergency services telling them about my MH issues and what I had done. Police came and arrested me for criminal damage and common assault. I recieved an NFA (i.e. let go and not charged, but not "innocent"). I know I can do better in the future with new coping mechanisms in stressful situations and also recognising the signs of abuse in a partner.

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Through therapy I came to realise how awful she was to me and that I was abused (I voluntarily took myself to therapy thinking this was all my fault and that I never deserved a relationship again). My therapist has said if there were genuine concerns about me seeing another person that they would have safeguarding involved - they believe I am 100% safe.

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i want to get out there and find someone new and just have a bit of fun dating. I am scared about disclosing my past (they can probably find out via claires law). It feels like a dirty secret and I dont think I could hide it from a partner. I did date some other people but didn't tell them. I feel shitty about it but no harm was ever caused to me or them.

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I am looking for help on when and how to disclose this information in a dating context. I know I deserve someone amazing, I am just so worried that people will think that I am the abuser in the situation and be scared of me, especially as the man in the relationship.

A few years ago I (M, 30s - 20s at time) was in an awful relationship where I was a victim of coercive control - my ex (F, same age) said without my support she would die (suicide threat) and that I cannot ever leave her. She had her own MH problems and I believed her threats and sacrificed myself every day for her and felt like I couldnt leave a relationship which was draining me becuse I wouldnt have had blood on my hands. I was also working a super stressful job (half of us left in a year, 10% of us off sick with work stress).

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I could not cope.

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It was all too much for me. I started having huge panic attacks and self harming a lot. One day I wanted to self harm but I instead broke a chair because all I could think about whay my therapist saying don't hurt yourself and my action felt like the safer option. I also had a panic attack the day before where I acidentally grabbed my ex. It wasn't on purpose, I was completely out of my mind every day and did have an tendency to just grab soft furnishings etc during panac attacks to ground myself a bit. I got arrested for common assault and criminal damage but thankfully recieved an NFA - but there's still a record of the incident, likely disclosable via Claire's law and available on enhanced DBS checks for example.

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I have a happy and full life now. I feel trapped by the legal record of my past. It effects my line of work (public sector employee) and also I just want to have fun dating. I did date someone for a bit but hid my past, tbh I just mentally blocked it out - I sometimes feel shitty about hiding this from a genuinely lovely person. It was healthy, fun and we have remained friends. I will always be grateful for the experience.

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I am so conflicted by my life and I don't know what I deserve. Part of me sees a man who was completely broken but has now invested in himself, built a pretty decent solo life, has so much going for him and above all has a fairly healthy mind. I have great support through friends, an awesome therapist and a medication plan which works for me.

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But a part of me sees a man who was a danger to someone he loved. A man who could relapse. A man who might be fooling himself just to get what he wants.

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I don't want a serious/conventional relationship, I think I need more freedom, but sometimes a bit of company would be good. I feel pretty damaged by the coercive control but I feel much more likely to recogise controlling behaviour having lived through it and talked about it in therapy. However, I am terrified of losing control again if equally stressful circumstances were to occur again.

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I feel so conflicted. Trying to work it all out in therapy. I don't know if I will ever get there.

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cw: physical, emotional, sexual abuse.

Mainly about relationships but this covers mental health and self esteem too.

I (M, 30s) was in an abusive relationship with my ex (F, 30s). We split up in our late 20s, she cheated on me.

She also abused me heavily over the years. Mostly coercive control: removing me from friends and family, financial pressure, refusing to care for me if I was sick. She physically assaulted me a few times and sexually assaulted me on multiple occasions. I just put up with it. I grew up in an abusive household so I just accepted this as normal because I didn't have a healthy frame of reference.

I was working a really stressful job which lead to a mental health crisis, the abuse obviously played into this too. During my MH struggles she would shout at me for not having sex with her or seeing my friends (she was away visiting family, I can't just sit in the house doing nothing).

I think any reasonable human would crack under the weight of all this. I certainly did.

It all got too much one day and I lost control and damaged an object. This was to prevent me from self harming. She called emergency services (I believe from a mental health perspective) but the police were sent and I was arrested. I was also arrested for assault because I accidentally grabbed her in a panic attack. I never meant to hurt anyone. I had been operating at my emotional limit for months. I should have been off work but I felt pressure to finacially provide for her. I was trauma bonded. She told me if I ever left she would die and that felt like blood on my hands. She brainwashed me.

I know I messed up big style. She had done things like this a hundred times. I did it once an I am now labelled an abuser by the police. Thankfully I don't have a criminal record but I cannot lie (by ommision) about being arrested to a potential new partner. There was another incident reported to the police but nothing came of it. She sexually assaulted me and cheated on me on the same day. She told the police about my reaction to these events. She unsurprisingly never told the police about the SA.

I care about women's safety. This woman had no care for mine. I know about reactive abuse and this fits the dynamic. She owned me and I tried to take control of my own body and autonomy. I am accountable for my actions though. I am not proud of what I did.

I want to move on. I want to find peace with someone new but I can't hide my past. I shelved my past for a long time and had loads of fun dating. I felt confident and excited about meeting new people and just having fun dating.

I am however confronting my past and I just have no confidence. I am scared to date. I am scared to share my very serious story for the fear of rejection and making women feel uncomfortable. I am scared these awful things will happen again. It's taken the light hearted fun out of dating. My past just feels like a curse following me around.

I am in therapy and my therapist believes me which feels huge. He sees me as a whole person. He sees I am not an abuser, but reactive. He sees the context and recognises that I take accountability for my actions. He knows I am not interested in controlling someone else. My friends believe me too which is huge. Not all my friends know, I scared to tell them for fear of being abandoned.

I want someone new to believe me, feel safe with me, and love me. I want to take turns being the little spoon with someone. I want to make someone dinner and maybe they could bring me coffee in the morning to say thank you.

She never truely loved me, she loved that I was a servant to her. I don't know what being loved actually feels like, and I don't know if I ever will.

Therapy has been huge in moving away from self blame and hating myself. It was my therapist that pointed out I was abused.

I don't feel fully ready to date yet. I don't even know if a man like me should date. She certainly shouldn't but doesn't have an arrest record.

I have a solid mental health plan in place, I am out of an abusive relationship and a toxic job. I am a million miles away from the man who was completely broken and acted out of character.

I am so so lost.

I (M) was in an abusive relationship for a long time with my ex (F). The relationshop lasted over 10 years and ended because she was cheating on me.

I haven't had any other serious relationships apart from a ~6 month thing after my ex and it is hard for me to form new relationships for various reasons - mainly an arrest due to (reactive) abuse. Since that relationship was short, it's possible that any abusive behaviours of my own were simply "dormant".

I didn't notice any negative (let alone abusive) behaviour from either of us in my shorter, more recent relationship.

I definitelty engaged in (reactive) abuse and keep questioning if I was really the instagator. I am deeply ashamed of how I acted.

She engaged in physical, emotional and sexual abuse against me. There was a lot of lying and even cheating which enraged me and I engaged in abusive behavour. The fact I am male statisitically makes me more likely to be the instagator, but ultimately behaviours and motivations are the thing that decides who the instagator is.

I know my natural bias towards me makes me think it was her. As humans we want to be "innocent" or "good".

There's a few things that make me tip the balance to her being the instagator.

The first is sexual abuse. A clear "no" from me was ignored on multiple occasions. In fact, my "no" was met with persuasive, manipulative language to convince me to do something I was really uncomfortable with. I gave in.

The second is unprovoked emotional manipulation. She was very jealous of any female friends - or even any women who showed any positive reaction to me. I work from home and one time she saw I was on a call with a female colleague, I shooed my ex away as it was an important call and she exploded at me.

Even when I was out with just male friends I was constantly being told to come home (then she would just be asleep when I got home). She also threstened that without me staying, she would likely die as she was unable to look after herself.

The third thing - which isnt really abuse - is I just felt the whole time that the relationship wasn't really about me. It should be about us both - equally. I engaged in fawning all the time. I couldn't make her happy ever. I had my own life outside the relationship but she didn't. I was seen as the caregiver/support in the relarionship by friends. In reality she just felt like a leech. I couldn't let go because I was so worried about how she would cope without my support. She told me that she *needed* to die before me because she couldn't cope without me. I sacrificed so much to help her mental health struggles.

I am really wanting to know who the instagator was but I can't see how these behaviours could be "reactive". I never ignored a "no" from her and certainly never stopped her seeing friends. My behaviour was more getting angry at her. I did engage in unprovoked negging which I feel really shitty about.

So anyway, are the instances I explained possible reactive behaviours? I know there's not much detail, but I the only motivations I can possibly see for those behaviours are purely selfish needs.

CW: I won't be graphic but this post covers sexual, emotional, physical abuse, suicide threats and self harm.

I was in an abusive relationship for about 12 years. We broke up over a year ago now.

It was mostly emotional: making out she would not be alive unless I kept supporting her; spending months off sick when she just didn't want to work; demanding I come home every time I saw my friends; wreckless spending; exploding every time there was a disagreement; bullying me infront of friends; accusing me of cheating; not believing me when I was sick. It took a therapist to help me see all this as abuse. I had an awful childhood and this type of behaviour was fairly common in my parents.

I felt fully responsible for her emotions. I used her depression as an excuse for controlling me. If I didn't regulate her, she would go wild, potentially hurting herself or smashing things. In arguments she would tell me to take my own life or one time ever spat in my face. She was also a hoarder and I had basically zero physical space in the house we shared. She rarely left the house, it was up to me to go outside to find space for my own thoughts.

I couldn't leave because she made me feel responsible for her wellbeing I couldn't bear the thought of her taking her life. I felt like it would have been blood on my hands.

She also engaged in physical violence on a small number of occasions early in the relationship. This stopped but I was young and just put it down to being angry. Later in our relationship - towards the end - she started to sexually assault me. She sexually assaulted me AND cheated on me ... on the same day.

This dynamic where I was basically her servant, alongside and insanely stressful job, lead to a severe mental health crisis.

I used to have extreme panic attacks every day for about 3 months. I would roll around on the floor kicking and screaming for hours every day. I was so fucking broken. I used to self harm with blunt trauma to the head. I felt so trapped in my own life.

In one of my panic attacks I accidentally grabbed her - I had a tendency to squeeze/grab things as a way to channel my anxiety. The next day I had another panic attack and I really wanted to hurt myself. I thought I was going to do irreversable damage to myself so I instead took my frustration out on an object and broke it. This felt like the safe option to protect myself. It was fucking stupid and I regret it. I know this outburst made her feel scared. This episode feels a bit like reactive abuse but withoutna clear trigger. However, the pressure to provide and not feeling like I was allowed to be sick and feeling like a servant was a constant trigger.

I had zero space for emotional regulation. I used to have nightmares about work and shout at the trees when I was walking the dog. My friends had no idea who I was anymore.

She called the authorities to let them know of my severe mental health problems and the actions it lead to. I was arrested on suspicion of criminal damage and common assault. I was never charged (I am in the UK - no further action was taken). I know my actions were bad, but I know they were coming from a place of pain and not malice. I sometimes feel like a hypocrit because her MH manifested as abuse and then this caused my MH to decline and lash out.

It feels so fucking unfair that I am the one with this lifelong curse of being arrested for DV. I know I acted wildly out of character because of the pressure to go to work in a job - that was sending me as crazy as my home life was - to provide for my abuser. I had zero escape from abuse at home and abuse in the workplace. She was vile to me. Work was horrendous.

I feel like I will never meet someone again because of my arrest record. There's no way I can clear my name because there's basically no evidence of her behaviour. I really don't have the energy to build a case and I am scared she would try turn it around onto me.

She is out of my life now, but it feels like this relationship has really affected all of my future in ways that feel grossly unfair.