can fawning look like consent in the moment? also apparently fawning comes with dissociation, does this mean someone can fully go along with sex/even mimic enjoyment whilst checked out?? does this make if consensual?
how would you know if it was fawning or genuine desire? just curious to hear people’s take as I feel like Fawn is often left out.
Warning graphic
Whilst hanging out with a friend, we were both drinking, I lay down and he suddenly pinned my wrists and started kissing my neck. I said I couldn't do it multiple times (i have a bf), I turned my head away and he kept going and I kissed him back or let him kiss me. Not sure. It was almost like, this is happening now and I couldn't stop it.
Ended up laying there, he started doing stuff to me and I think I was thinking 'i can't believe this is happening' but I tunnel visioned and tried to enjoy the sensation, even finishing. My mind was racing, I remember thinking about my bf does and that's where the last confident memory goes. I know that I went along with it but I have no concrete memories other than hearing a knocking sound and saying 'I'm on phone to my mum'. What happened exactly around this is blank. I have no idea why I didn't stop it at that moment. I know he finished on my stomach and left but the 30 minutes after are blank. I apparently FaceTimed by boyfriend which until yesterday I thought was just a voice call. Only discovered this call from looking at phone logs later. Can't remember spatial surrounding/what I said. After trying to call him, I said it was fine on text for my friend to come back, but I don't remember letting him in/can't clearly say 100% who initiated the sex. I don't even remember undressing myself/if he helped.
I remember two flashes of being on top/doing stuff to him (both make me shiver now and keep coming back so intrusively). It felt very robotic. I remember asking him mid sex 'why he was so quiet' during it. Can't remember what his face looked like during. I then am certain that faked it to get it to end. I was so tired and felt like i was gonna fall asleep, but he wanted me to finish and I dind't want to offend him. He didn't stop when I tried to tell him I was tired. I then slept woke up 2 hours later. Took me a moment to realise where I was and I felt weirdly calm/numb. then suddenly, when the realisation that my entire life/relationship may be shattered, I vomited, felt super cold and shaky. Told my bf and parents. BF thinks I was taken advantage of, therapist said I didn't consent and dissociated.
I think knowing I went along with it without any concrete memories of what I said or looked like is what is killing me right now with guilt. I woke up and thought i cheated so must have??! My brain is filling in the blanks with thoughts of me moaning (he told me I did) and being really into it, which makes me vomit immediately. I have OCD btw. My dad said even if I was doing that it doesn't matter cos the fact I can't remember is enough proof of mental state. Yet I still feel so alone, like this is not SA.
I want to know if it is really possible to behave like and maybe even think you want it in the moment, to then to be left guessing what did and did not happen?? It has been 4 months so maybe memory loss is cos of that and I just cheated and regret it?? I'm struggling with panic attacks and nausea daily over this. I feel like a liar and a cheater and so dirty and disgusted by the sex. PS. no longer friends with this guy
I want to ask, as i feel this may be more common then it is realised.
Is it possible for fawning to mimic enthusiasm and even convince victim in the moment that they are consenting?
I heard some people say that it can (not always) entail expressing positive verbal cues to indicate enjoyment or arousal + active participation. But apparently you dissociate from yourself so later not be able to recall these memories/ say exactly what they said or did?
Fawn is often spoken about in a passive way, but can it be active during assault? and how can this look?
This might get no response and maybe I’m going crazy but I had sex with a coworker that I never planned end of January this year.
Now after he pinned my wrists and ignored my ‘I can’t do this’, I ended up giving in, feeling like it was going to happen. I think I even tried to enjoy it/ even appeared to. When I woke up next day, I thought I’d cheated and threw up and went cold and shaky.
By March, I was struggling to recall stuff I initially remembered perfectly and now 5 months on, my memory of the actual encounter is so bad that if someone asked me what happened exactly i’d have to guess based on fabricated images of how i normally behave during sex.
since this night (my bf knows) everyone has told me it was SA. Now i recently got an OCD diagnosis and because I woke up and thought i cheated, my brain is now like, well you must have because otherwise why did you think that? Problem is, i know i went along with it, but have no concrete memories. I didn’t even realise i face-timed my bf that night after the sex.
Now i find moments in calm accepting why i have panic attacks, sleepless nights and gagging months down the line when i accept its SA.
Yet there’s that niggly thought of ‘what if you just cheated and that’s why you feel so bad and can’t remember?’.
this can lead to hours of googling and mental rumination that does keep anxiety at bay but it comes right back when i stop.
So I’m just wondering, has anyone else’s OCD made them doubt their assault? I can’t find anyone like me. I keep imaging myself going along with it (i was told i fawned) and convince myself these thoughts are real and it wasn’t SA
I'm suffering from panic attacks daily, vomiting, i can't eat or sleep. 4 months ago I slept with a friend. It started cos he pinned my wrists, I said 'i can't do this' and he kept going and told me not to stress. Eventually I gave in but i don't know if i kissed him back or if he kissed me??? I remember him doing stuff at beginning (won't go into detail), I just let him and lay there (can't picture my surroundings). I didn't lie that I I enjoyed the feeling physically and then I just thought about my boyfriend and that's where my memory cuts. I only remember hearing a knock and a drink being spilt, no context around it i.e. positions. I dont even recall if I still had my top on or not. When i told my boyfriend after, this is genuinely all I can confidently remember. After I apparently facetimed my boyfriend but I didn't know I facetimed until he told me about a month after it happened. No memory of conversation/ where i was when I made this call. I know I was participating and went along with it in the moment, guy told me I was moaning and I believe I 'dirty talked him' which makes me vomit and shake now. but memories feels so far and blurry. I can't piece anything together chronologically or clearly so my OCD is just filling in gaps with how I normally behave during sex. My friend said we had sex again after that but I don't remember the initiation, although I did text him saying it was fine to come down. I don't remember letting him in the room either. I just have two flashes of 'participation' and then it cuts to me faking it to get the friend to stop because 'i'm tired' didn't work. Next morning, he tried to have sex with me again. I said no. This weir d'numb calm' got instantly shattered when suddenly I vomited and went cold and shaky into shock. I was so horrified. I never wanted this. This is genuinely all I remember 100%, my boyfriend knows everything and broke up with me.My therapist has diagnosed me with PTSD from this night and said i couldn't consent/didn't consent but it still feels like cheating. Thinking about the memories I do have makes me vomit and shiver. I feel so horrible already but I feel like its all my fault. The guilt and anxiety is crushing, just looking for some advice
Not sure if I'm on the right page here ...
I'm suffering from panic attacks daily, vomiting, i can't eat or sleep. 4 months ago I slept with a friend. It started cos he pinned my wrists, I said 'i can't do this' and he kept going and told me not to stress. Eventually I gave in but i don't know if i kissed him back or if he kissed me??? I remember him doing stuff at beginning (won't go into detail), I just let him and lay there (can't picture my surroundings). I didn't lie that I I enjoyed the feeling physically and then I just thought about my boyfriend and that's where my memory cuts. I only remember hearing a knock and a drink being spilt, no context around it i.e. positions. I dont even recall if I still had my top on or not. When i told my boyfriend after, this is genuinely all I can confidently remember. After I apparently facetimed my boyfriend but I didn't know I facetimed until he told me about a month after it happened. No memory of conversation/ where i was when I made this call. I know I was participating and went along with it in the moment, guy told me I was moaning which makes me vomit and shake now. but memories feels so far and blurry. I can't piece anything together chronologically or clearly so my OCD is just filling in gaps with how I normally behave during sex. My friend said we had sex again after that but I don't remember the initiation, although I did text him saying it was fine to come down. I don't remember letting him in the room either. I just have two flashes of 'participation' and then it cuts to me faking it to get the friend to stop because 'i'm tired' didn't work. Next morning, he tried to have sex with me again. I said no. This weir d'numb calm' got instantly shattered when suddenly I vomited and went cold and shaky into shock. I was so horrified. I never wanted this. This is genuinely all I remember 100%, my boyfriend knows everything and broke up with me.My therapist has diagnosed me with PTSD from this night and said i couldn't consent/didn't consent but it still feels like cheating. Thinking about the memories I do have makes me vomit and shiver. I feel so horrible already but I feel like its all my fault. The guilt and anxiety is crushing, just looking for some advice
Four months ago, I was hanging out with a male friend I trusted. We’d been drinking (maybe a bottle of wine, I can't fully remember). Out of nowhere, he pushed my hands above my head and pinned my wrists down. I tried to get him off me, but he started kissing my neck. I turned my head away and told him "I can't do this" multiple times, but eventually, I just stopped resisting and let him kiss me. I have a boyfriend and felt an incredible internal resistance; my mind was racing in disbelief, and then my mind went totally blank. The next thing I remember is hearing a knock on the door, and him finishing on me before heading out.
My brain has completely blocked out the actual sex. Even two weeks later, when I told my family, I was already struggling to recall details. According to my phone records, I called my boyfriend within 30 minutes of it finishing, but I have absolutely no recollection of making that call, where I was, or what I said.
Right after, I went to the pub with a group. Everything felt completely numb/ weirdly calm. I had 3 shots in an hour and didn't speak to my friend the entire time, though I vaguely remember him smoking next to me while we waited for a taxi.
When I got back to my room, I told him to leave me alone so I could call my boyfriend. I thought I only texted my boyfriend, but my call logs show 7 attempted calls in 10 minutes, again, I have no memory of making them or where I was. I know I text-invited the friend back to my room, but I couldn't tell you why. We ended up having sex again. I have zero memory of it, whether I initiated it, or who took my clothes off.
The next morning, the full gravity of what happened hit me after about 20 minutes. I had a sudden urge to vomit and felt cold and shaky. My friend just sat there looking super calm. For the next few days, I had horrible panic attacks. I’ve been so confused because I know outwardly I may have been "hyper-performing" or acting like I was "into it," but I can't remember what I said or any of the positions. I feel so guilty I may have said things that seemed like pillow talk at the time, even though I have no recollection of how I internally felt.
When I later told him how terrible what happened was, he text me back: "I can still hear you moaning," which makes me physically sick. I also realised he hadn't used a condom, and he got pissed off when I mentioned the word abortion.
My dad and boyfriend found me in a state the next day and I thought I'd cheated but when I told them everything, they said it may not be that simple. Since then I've been in therapy and they've explained that this was assault and I dissociated and fawned. last 4 months I have experienced vomiting, morning anxiety, panic attacks and I'm completely traumatised and cant stop thinking 'did I cheat'/ 'was I assaulted?'. I have since cut this friend off and am seriously thinking about reporting him to the police.
I feel like I'm going crazy because of these massive memory gaps and the guilt of "performing." Has anyone else experienced this kind of memory loss and trauma response? Is this common?
Just feel like my assault isn’t the typical script of one, particularly cos it was someone i trusted
4 months ago I slept with a friend when drunk. All I know for sure is he pinned my wrists above my head and I kept saying 'I can't do this'. He was kissing my neck. I then just gave in because he told me not to stress and didn't stop. I felt this pressure and then just kissed him back but felt frozen at same time, mind was racing. That's all I remember from 4 months ago. Apparently I called my boyfriend immediately after the sex finished but I have no memory of the call or conversation. I can remember going to the pub after and almost felt unreal/numb like it hadn't happened. I had about 3 shots i think in less than an hour. My friend came with me back to hotel and I told him to go to his room so I could call my boyfriend. My call logs show I called my boyfriend 7 times in 10 minutes (no memory). It was about 2am. He didn't answer and I know I texted colleague to come down. I remember feeling distressed and confused. I can't remember whether I let him in or if he let himself in. I have no idea how the sex started. I have a vague memory of him saying 'stop stressing' and I faked an orgasm so he would stop but even now that memory is so faded. I woke up next morning, fully realised what happened and that I participated in sex with him. I think outwardly I must of looked like I was enjoying, maybe even moaning, but I can't remember what I said or did/where I was in room. Next morning when I woke up and realised what happened, I had a sudden wave of nausea and vomited. I started shaking and felt cold, even though room was warm. My friend stayed super calm and said he had to leave before anyone saw him. I was just left there wrapped up, staring in disbelief. I saw him later and he said it was amazing and didn't even ask if I was okay. I had a severe panic attack and now don't know what to do. I have been trying to forget it and ditched this friend but thinking about it makes my skin crawl, I've developed severe anxiety, gagging and sometimes even vomiting. I have bad dreams with this friend in it that make me wake up with heart racing. I've told my bf and he said it was assault but I feel like cos I went along with it and gave in its my fault
So I’m 23F and I ended up having drunk sex with a colleague (possible 10-15 years older than me, he lied about his age from beginning) drinking 4 months ago.
For context, we all worked in a hotel and this night I was sleeping in the hotel because I didn’t have a car. All my colleagues actually lived in the hotel upstairs in staff rooms. I remember bits around the sex from before and after, such as the pub and taxi ride there but 4 months on my brain has blocked out what happened in that room. This guy had been pushing for sex at work for months. I initially kept telling him I had a boyfriend but eventually stopped because it didn’t seem to make a difference. He started off so nice but began with lingering touches and asking me to come to private spaces and touching me during work. Most of the time I laughed it off or froze and told him to stop when I could find my voice. He also messaged me constantly outside work and I started to develop a mix of confusing feelings. I felt an affection (he said we were friends and that I could trust him) but also a lot of anxiety, especially when he insulted me or pulled away/sulked. He said he cared about me and that I was selfish for not trusting him. He was also overly flattering, calling me beautiful and even said he loved me after 6 weeks, this shocked me and I told him to take some space. Sometimes, during our interactions he blocked exits when I tried to leave, once he actually pulled my hair plait to stop me leaving. I didn’t want to get him in trouble and just kept letting it happen. His behaviour slowly became normal and expected and very hot/cold.
This carried on for months until one night before a work event we were chatting in a hotel room beforehand. He had got angry at me day before and again I just wanted to fix his mood. I had been drinking maybe half a bottle of wine. Suddenly, he pinned my wrists and I said ‘I can’t do this’. I was a bit drunk and tried to move out of his grip. I remember turning my head away but he continued kissing my neck. Eventually, I slowly turned my head and gave in, kissing him back. Then I just lay there and froze as he continued. This is all I clearly remember. The worst part is I know that I was outwardly behaving as if I was enjoying it and may have even said things to indicate it. I do rememeber having one thought where I just thought about my boyfriend. Apparently after the sex stopped I called my boyfriend immediately but have no memory of this. I just remember hearing a knock on a door somewhere. After, I have a memory of walking down to the hotel reception to go with our work group and just didn’t process what had happened. The colleague held my hand in the taxi and I just let him. I had some shots, maybe 2-3, came back in taxi and tried to call boyfriend. My call logs show I tried to call him 7 times in 10 minutes (again no recollection of this now). I then don’t remember letting my colleague in but i did text him to come down. I remember feeling like sex had already happened so there was no point now. I felt distressed. I cannot remember any of the sex, just washing my makeup off after. I can’t remember a single thing that happened in that room 4 months ago. The next morning I woke up and when the reality of what had happened hit me, I ended up having an urge to vomit and was sick. I then felt cold and a bit shaky. The guy had to leave he said before anyone saw him. He just left me shaking snd seemed so calm about it, I just stared at wall for ages wrapped up in disbelief. I felt horrible. I then went to work and had panic waves throughout day. I remember going to this colleague because I had this urge to check he was happy with me/not angry. He seemed off and it made me feel horrible. I then went home and collapsed exhausted. The next day I realised again what had happened and had an intense panic attack and told my dad i cheated. The next week was agonising, I had horrid panic attacks, couldn’t eat or sleep, eventually confessed to boyfriend. He told me it sounds like assault and that I was manipulated.
Just need some advice please!