u/RepeatSpiritual8108

My spouse (43m), Pear, recently spent a day/night with my meta Blueberry (39f) for the first time after a couple weeks of talking. None of my business, but if relevant, they spent almost the entire time in a hotel room.

After, Pear sent me a screenshot of their text chain for logistical purposes, but he accidentally included a text where he told her, “Thank you, truly. You made me feel alive for the first time in a very long time.”

That was a gut punch. I asked Pear about it, and he didn’t deny that was how he felt. We have had a lot of ups and downs in the past few years, and I know he’s frustrated with my seeming inability to let go and enjoy life (I deal with fairly tough depression/anxiety, which I am working on.. always lol).

I know he is “allowed” to say and feel this, but it just hurts. Do I ignore it and try to live my own best life? Is there a way to talk about this that won’t end in tears?

ANY advice welcome 😭

I (30sF) recently disclosed to my siblings that my husband and I are ENM. They were supportive and accepting overall, as I expected, but what I didn’t expect is how mononormative (or extremely hierarchical, at best) their reaction would be.

For example, because my husband wasn’t comfortable going into detail about his other connections (see my post history for context), I only shared the details of my other relationship and kept his vague/private, which led to a nearly universal expression by my siblings of loyalty to and pity for my husband because he doesn’t have a comparable relationship (they don’t know that he has dated and had sex with others casually, which is his preference).

Another example is when one sibling asked why I was even sharing this — she didn’t understand why they needed to know and said I should feel free to keep our arrangement private. I explained that I was telling them because I want to introduce them to my other partner, and they seemed confused by why I would want to. I had to explain that it is a fulsome romantic relationship, and it still didn’t really seem to click.

A final example is when one sibling asked if my husband ever wanted to close, what would happen. I said it would be a deal-breaker because veto power, or giving your spouse the power to dictate when/how you can see another partner, especially at this late stage of development of another relationship, is unethical and unfair to the other partner and sets a bad precedent. She seemed unsettled by that — like she thought a spouse should always come first and be able to “pull rank” at any time.

As a separate issue, I’ve always protected my husband’s reputation among my family and friends and not aired our dirty laundry to them because I made the mistake of doing that in a prior relationship and turning my circle against my partner as a result. Therefore, my family/friends don’t know about things that would humanize him — like the fact that he has struggled with fidelity and anger issues and doesn’t reciprocate sexually — which I think is influencing the narrative that I’m strong-arming him into practicing ENM despite the fact that he initiated it. I feel like opening up to them now about some of our struggles would only make it look like I’m throwing him under the bus to make myself look better, and I’d still feel wrong doing it because we have always promised each other to be a united front regardless of what we are working through behind closed doors.

I also worry that because my husband has over a decade of history over my other partner of 1.5 years, my family will never accept my other partner on the same level they accept my husband. I asked them to give him the same chance they would any monogamous partner I introduced to them. I tearfully explained that the reason I’m disclosing this is because my other partner doesn’t deserve to be a secret in my life, and that finally seemed to land.

Are these reactions just the burden I take on living an unconventional lifestyle, especially when it’s “uneven” from the outside looking in (since my husband prefers casual relationships and doesn’t want to share about them the way I share about mine)? Is there a way I can be explaining the arrangement better, and removing my husband from his pedestal a bit, without throwing my husband under the bus, that won’t make me look like the villain? We’ll be disclosing to my parents next, and I want to approach it better this time.

I am an old (47) dude. I missed the first USTA match I had with this team (in my league, each team plays the other twice). My teammate played this kid so I was forewarned.

The kid (self-rated 3.5, who I guess played 2 for a very good HS team last year) smoked my teammate 6-1, 6-1 a month earlier. Warming up, I figured it would be more of the same for me. Kid is probably 6-foot-6, absolutely bombing first serves, very solid kick second serve, moved well for his size, hit hard with nice topspin off both sides.

Match starts, and it's a different one. My opponent absolutely goes for a winner every chance he gets. Misses a lot. I'm more or less a passenger in my own match. I am normally fairly aggressive, but I think I made it to the net maybe a half dozen times the whole match. I can chip back his first serve sometimes. He hits a bunch of aces, double faults a fair amount.

I win the first set 6-4. His all-or-nothing strategy never deviates, but he hits many more lines and corners in the second set, takes it 6-3. He wins the supertiebreaker 10-8.

I was barely even winded after the match. It was interesting, anyway! Not sure if any of my fellow seasoned rec players have matched up with a recent HS grad and have stories to tell, but please share.

My partner (35M) and I (31F) have been together for 2.5 years.

For the first two years of our relationship, we were polyamorous. A few months ago, I ended my long-term relationship with another partner, and afterward I found myself unable to cope with the difficult emotions that polyamory was bringing up. It was simply too much for my nervous system at that point in my life. My partner agreed to pause polyamory so we could focus on our relationship and my healing. I mention this because I think it explains why I feel this community might better understand our relationship dynamics.

This issue isn't actually about polyamory, but I first posted it in r/relationship_advice and a lot of the responses focused on calling my partner controlling. I don't think that's a fair characterization. We make intentional agreements together, and I'm looking for perspectives on repair after breaking an agreement—not whether agreements themselves are inherently controlling.

One agreement we have is that when we're not sleeping together, we text each other goodnight before 10:30 p.m. It's important to him because it helps him feel considered and gives him peace of mind before bed.

This week, I forgot and ended up texting after 10:30 on multiple occasions. I completely understand why he's disappointed. I've apologized profusely, tried setting an alarm on my phone (which I unfortunately didn't hear because I was in a loud space), and, at his suggestion, bought a smartwatch this morning so the alarm will be visible on my wrist and hopefully prevent this from happening again.

Despite apologizing and taking concrete steps to prevent it from happening again, he also wants me to come up with "creative" ways to make amends that are directly related to the mistake itself (rather than something generic like flowers).

I'm genuinely willing to repair the rupture, but I'm struggling to come up with ideas. He says it's really important to him that the ideas come from me, because that's what demonstrates that I'm taking the agreement seriously. He's okay with me asking for input here on Reddit, but he doesn't want to be the one telling me what he wants me to do. I'm finding that difficult, and I'm not sure what meaningful repair looks like beyond a sincere apology and taking concrete steps to prevent it from happening again.

For those of you who intentionally negotiate agreements in your relationships, how do you approach repair when one person breaks an agreement? Any ideas for this situation specifically?

My partner and I have been together 11 years. We have just opened our relationship, and started doing the jealousy workbook together, and I bought a few other books for us to do together, because I wanted to make sure we are ethinical, educated and prepared as much as possible. Last night during an exercise in the workbook talking about our triggers a conversation came up about how much we tell each other when we first meet someone and start talking to them. My partner said that we don't need to tell each other about it until it starts getting more serious. I said no, I want to know if you've met someone to share in the excitement of it all, so we discussed it. Then he said well I have been talking to someone. Long story short. Hes been texting with a friend of mine. Not a close friend, but a friend. She just got divorced and is polyamorous. She very attractive. Im not attracted to her in a sexual way. My partner is, which is not surprising. She started a conversation with my partner online, giving my partner a lot of attention and praise and eventually sending nude photos and talking sexually once they found out we officially opened our relationship. My partner confessed that they were treading lightly due to our relationship not officially being open yet, but that they continued interacting with her because they found her attractive, said that the interaction felt good, the attention felt good, but that they felt gulity about not telling me. My partner told me that she said she was attracted to both of us and wanted to have a threesome, but my partner said I wouldn't be into that. This started between them just a few weeks before we decided to officially open our relationship.

I have a whole range of emotions. I know that when they were talking, my partner and I were connecting even more. I know my partner, and they thrive off of love from other people, it feeds their soul and it benefits our relationship greatly. It feeds my soul as well, and I've known this for a long time. The timing of everything is rather significant. I am just feeling a bit betrayed that my partner didn't tell me right away. One of my boundaries is that I don't want my partner to pursue my friends. I also feel a bit hurt by my friend for pursuing my partner before she even knew we had an open relationship, but told my partner if this is ever inappropriate let her know, like she wanted to respect me. To me, being new to polyamory, it feels unethical for someone to pursue someone that has a partner and all signs point to it being a monogamous relationship.

I love my partner deeply. I know they dont want to hurt me and they apologized for not telling me about the relationship from the begining. This has never happened for my partner before. So the timing of it all seems very serendipitous. I know this all happened at once for a reason. For us to be more honest for sure, and be clear about our boundaries. I just want to make sure I am seeing this situation clearly with as much respect for myself and love for my partner as possible.

Any thoughts on how you would move forward from here? And how I should handle a conversation with my friend?

S5, E6, one of my favorite episodes, Viagra Falls. Starring the incomparable Carl Weathers and William Devane as old retired detectives Boone and Peters, aka Shawn and Gus in the future.

I am currently in the middle of a rewatch, and there is an exchange between Weathers and Dulé that just has me dying laughing.

***

Boone (turns to Gus): And then there's you. Standing tall. Shirt tucked in a little tight. (At this line, Dulé starts to lose it a bit and turns his head away). Maybe a little too tight. But there's confidence in your eyes, and a fire in your loins. You know, I'd be honored to take you in, Gus. If you got no parents.

Gus: That's very kind of you, Boone. But I do have parents, and I'm in my 30s, so I think I'm good.

Boone (under his breath to Peters): Thank God for that. I can't be taking in no strays, Don.

Peters: Got lucky there, pal.

***

Just a perfectly ludicrous scene.

For some reason, the cop did not find it that funny and I received a ticket and stern lecture for my trouble.

(This does not bode well.)

Too bad they didn't manage to get into Rud.

Multiple times. I thought you all on here were exaggerating.

OKC really does dare the refs to call a foul every time down, knowing they'll swallow their whistles apparently.