u/Robot-Ducky

I know I am not the only one who eats this. I learned about it from my bff.

So it’s just a box of Mac and cheese, a can of tuna, and some peas.

I’ve done it with a cup of microwavable Mac and cheese.

Don’t ask me why it’s good.

Seriously. Is this not a real thing??

I was thinking about formative years. What narrative was the first I ever heard or remember. And I think it was we are born sinful. That on coming into this world we are dirty and undeserving.

As ex-evangelicals of any denomination, the original sin, the idea that perfection is unattainable until an official be date where you have faced every temptation and horror and done the “right thing” very time is so damaging to kids, especially.

Starting life in the negative. How could anyone be ver hope to have self esteem? And every transgression, errant thought, moment when you didn’t defer to someone else’s conscience at the cost of your own needs becomes proof that you aren’t good enough.

We all constantly heard this. And hopefully that child hearing this didn’t have sexual abuse in their history, that comes with acting out and expressing their traumas in a sexual way. Dolls having sex, pictures deemed “sinful” when they are just communication. But those responses from an abused child are vilified. Shamed. Not heard.

We are told that essentially just going through puberty is a sin. All those feelings coming up. No, we have to stop those thoughts about those girls. Can’t express natural curiosity in your own body.

When being human becomes a sin, how can anyone expect to have anything close to a healthy sense of self.

If somehow a Christian god exists, and I do not believe that, he is a narcissist. Anyone who inflicts that kind of abuse and self loathing onto a their adherents for the sake of their own sovereignty is not a loving god.

I forgot to add the most important part:

We are divine. We are not sinful. Flawed, hurt, in pain. But never unworthy.

It was so weird, my dudes. It was at a Lutheran church. It was my aunties funeral, she was an inactive jw. I didn’t have a lot of contact with her over the years, but I wanted to go show support. Of course my mom did not go. Her jw daughter didn’t go, either. It makes me so angry that they let a building and a couple scriptures read by a pastor get in the way of remembering their family. My dfed sister and I were there, though.

My takeaway:
It was nice. People spoke about my auntie. People cried for my auntie. There was no sermon about doctrine, no preaching. There were a couple of prayers and they sang amazing grace. Just focus on doctrine and indoctrination. If jws got more celebrations for them in their lives they would be much happier people.

It just made me realize just how impersonal everything is about jw. No celebrating anyone’s life, or their birthdays, or their families.

Also organs are amazing instruments. The organ was the whole backdrop behind the pulpit.

Me: That’s not true. I am still hurt by your rejection and by the fact that you do not think I am good enough. I need a week or two to digest and process

Mom: YOU think that I don’t think you are good enough.
I have never based my love for you on what you do or don’t do.
I will never stop loving you.
I don’t have to agree with everything you do. I never have and I never will. Did you question my love for you then?

Me: YOU said only jws (those who Jehovah chooses) are good people. That’s how you feel.

Mom: When did I say that? There are a lot of good people that are not Jehovah’s Witnesses. I actually love some of them.

Me: You said that at the yard sale. Exactly like that. Only Jehovah gets to decide who is good

Mom: I’m not going to back down from that. As the creator, he does. You don’t have to agree. Just remember every one of Jehovah’s Witnesses was at one time not one.

If we didn’t think he had the right to decide right from wrong we would still be where we were.
It’s a choice we made.

Me:That still means that to you, anyone who go is not a jw is not a good person ergo not good enough.
What’s the point of free will if we can’t use it and still be acceptable???

If you are right somehow, if this mystical god is in control of everything and jws are right, then even then, I would rather die than live in your paradise. Because by your religions logic, “perfect” is what god makes you, despite your personality or natural inclinations. Perfect is cookie cutter only believe v in study no new music or love songs or music old poetry or any of the things that make people really free and expressive. You say god doesn’t want robots, but that’s is exactly what the organization wants. Cookie cutter even conscience matters aren’t really conscience matters. There was a talk on the broadcast about “reading between the lines” that I saw.

Mom: I am sorry that we didn’t have this conversation when you were younger.
We each have the right to decide what we want to do.

But we do not have the right to decide how WE want people to react to what we do or believe
That is their right.

Just remember the most important issue in this universe is Jehovah’s sovereignty.

I don’t even know what to say. I’m so tired of this. She just keeps deflecting.

Ok. So we had
brother Baptist (white guy learned how to give talks from black brothers with pizazz).
Sister Black spice (always had something to say).
Sister please do not ask me for a ride to the hall.
Brother tall.
And that child is unmanageable.
Sister attitude problem (that was me)
And just Boone. His wife was Boone, his daughter was baby Boone.

Ok maybe this was just in my very bullying car groups.

Did yall have some of them people in your halls? I need nicknames.

I regret asking my mom for yard sale help. It’s raining. And she is not someone I want in my life anymore. I think I am going low low contact.

So my mom said it’s not fair to others who love me that I left. She also said that shunning is loving, and that ( the gist of which is) I’m not a better person because only jw are good people nd Jehovah knows who is good. Nevermind the sobriety, the self esteem (being a witness raises your self esteem) boundaries (Jehovah has boundaries).

When I mentioned I would never treat an addict this way, that you dont shame people for their behavior because that makes it worse, that you tell an addict or an alcoholic that you love them, that you will be there for them no matter what, but you won’t enable them, she said leaving the truth and being an addict aren’t the same. Which I acknowledge, but the comparison stands in my book. So called “bad” behavior (which is generally a response to a traumatic life, and no purpose or connection) is the same in each instance. Nobody is bad, unless they are a sociopath. Or a child abuser. Or a general assaulter. Those people are bad. Oh wait, jws think they are ok to have in the congregation. Hmmm.

They never stop loving me. And everyone knows that my marriage is shit and I put up with more than most women. Yet no one has ever encouraged me or mentioned it. But they talk about it to my mom.

It’s not my place to tell someone that their husband is abusive. Telling the truth is a bad thing g, apparently. You are supposed to be a yes friend. I will NEVER be a yes friend. I’m gonna tell you the truth, and leave it at that.

My husband has the emotional intelligence of a slug. ANd I have realized just how dependent I am on him. I can’t fill out housing paperwork because I have no income, no w2s, no paystubs for the last 11 years. All pimis should tell every woman they know to have some type of employment, always. These women are being kept in crap marriages because leaving is next to impossible.

So far one witness has shown up. “It’s good to see you, I haven’t seen you in awhile”. Said in a very pointed manner. Thanks for mentioning it.

First I apologize for my insanity in yesterday’s post. I think I vomited that crazy out.

My husband says I don’t share my feelings with him. So we went on a walk and I opened up about how I had thought about going to the meeting, but realized that that is pulling myself back into a shit show. And I mentioned that I will only accept unconditional love and full acceptance. And along the way he said some dumb shit, but then he said that I was a bad influence. He could not give me an explanation or an example.

Got me thinking. So I asked him if he would rather have me be a jw instead of having me the progress I’ve made in life. Sobriety, self esteem, purpose. After equivocating and trying to side step, his answer was yes. Oddly I expected it.

It was heart breaking. But I handled it. I did not drink. I think something shifted. I realized that I need to live my values. And that is only accepting unconditional love and acceptance. Because as I am I will not be good enough to him. So that was a definite ending to an 11 years of marriage. Moving on. Making plans. Ok.

This morning I called my mom and asked the same question. And she said she is glad I have made progress, and she understands that I had to separate myself from the religion, but she is ants me as a witness. So that is her not accepting that her answer is also yes. And she said that it’s sad I let the imperfect people separate me from Jehovah. When I said it was a judgmental and cruel god, she said the same thing they all say, “the creator has the right to tell the creation how to live”. And again, Jehovah saved her life. She tried everything else. Blah blah. And then she said the thing. “You know what’s gonna happen if you get disfellowshipped, it doesn’t mean I dont love you, it means I love Jehovah more.”

Ok so that was an emotional dump. But my point is:

THIS IS NOT A NORMAL FAMILY DYNAMIC. This cult has them so indoctrinated that they choose a system of living that makes it impossible to have normal family affection. I ho decides that doctrine is more important than your own wife or daughter?!

And how do they say these things and expect you to be ok with it? Like I’m not supposed to be heartbroken? The more I learn about real love I can’t get the incredulity of such cognitive dissonance out of my head.

I guess other people do this. They say they love their gay/trans kids but don’t want anything to do with them. How do these people not see that this is wrong.

Their Jesus said that love would be the sign of his followers. Where is the love? I would think family love would be the telling factor.

Welp. So I hen Jesus said family would offer up family to be destroyed, I guess he was talking about jws. Cause they will throw their family to the wolves.

I think it’s time for me to mean what I say. Only accept unconditional love and full acceptance. So I will probably disassociate. Leave these people behind.

Oddly enough, I’m grieving, but also at peace with it. Because I deserve better than this. We all do.

And thank yall for being here for me. I appreciate each and every one of you for being who you are, for sharing your experiences, and for providing support.

Just maybe don’t be the guy who says “I told you so” in the comments, please?

Ok hear me out though. I posted about my ex-spiritual mother. I never got to say goodbye. I just want to go hug her and tell her I love her. Also I feel the need to make sure I’m making the right decision for me and that this is, indeed, a cult. It’s playing with fire. But I can’t get it out of my head. I feel like closure is a word that fits.

Also low key, know my ex spiritual father and I’ll try to hug me and I need to tell him to fuck off in the nicest way possible. I need people to know my boundaries. I will accept nothing less than unconditional acceptance.

Ok, why is this a bad idea? Please talk sense into me.

UPDATE:
Ya thanks yall. That was a mental idea. I’m cured now. Not going for sure.

It’s easy to forget your boundaries sometimes when you’ve been conditioned to accept the bare minimum or “no sure” the shittiest behavior. Remembering mine and not accepting anything else, and not exposing myself to it, either.

I called it the lie because I almost typed “the truth”. Jesus. I was thinking about my spiritual mother, and all the times I told her to “endure” while she is being emotionally abused by her husband, the man who for some reason I looked up to as a father. It pricked my conscience and made me sad. And I think she is the only one that’s cut me off that I miss. Her husband made sure she doesn’t talk to me. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to her after he cut me off. And thinking about all the shit behavior from me he excused or accepted-the drunken parties, JCs, “murmuring”-all that and just me saying I can’t live this life and stay sober was enough to cut me off for good. Fortunately I realized he is an abusive ass. But she is a good person and I miss her.

And then I realized I miss praying. Having some kind of connection with a singular entity. I don’t believe in a god anymore. There’s nothing to pray to. I try to “pray” to some cosmic energy that we are all connected through. It’s just not the same. I don’t think it ever will be.

Maybe this all is coming out because I am in a deep depressive episode and have been for months and am only just now beginning to be able to force myself to do anything productive. My mind is not in a good state.

But damn it’s weighing on me.

That’s all.

I have been so down: I can’t do anything: I’ve been in bed more days in the last three weeks than I’ve been up. 4 days in a row in bed. Sunday I managed to go see a friend in the city, but god I just feel this restlessness and ennui is killing me.

I have hobbies I should be doing, school to enroll Supposed to be going to see a movie today and I am too depressed to move. I can’t do this anymore.

I haven’t been this bad in years.

I just need someone to eat I’ll be ok, that I’m not the only one here like this.

Omg so this year has been a bad one. I got an iud (kyleena) last march. I’ve been having no periods, then periods, and then nothing for a whole year. I think it’s only getting worse.

I’ve also been having mood swings again. Like bad ones. I am not a confrontational or irrational person and I flat out cursed a dude out twice. (He deserved it, but that’s still not me).

Now this month it’s the cystic acne. Before I went with the iud I was on norethindrone for years and it worked really well, no periods, no mood swings, no acne. Most importantly no ovarian cysts. I have been having what I suspect are ovarian pains this month, too. I am sooo terrified I will have another ovarian cyst rupture. They were bad before. My former gyn suggested the iud, and I will hate her with my whole hole soul for having me change birth controls.

I’m about a week away from my period, it’s going terribly. I have tried to find a gyn, can’t get in for 4 months!!!

Is there anything I can do to regulate myself til I can get my appointment with a doctor? I really don’t know what to do. I’m 39, btw. If that helps.

Got my veggies all chopped and in a pan. I used garlic, w-sauce (please don’t make me spell it), some balsamic and avocado oil with some citrus salt. Why? I have no idea. I am more of a dump it in person.

But what do yall do?

Also, do we shuck corn or leave it whole and grill?

Update:
the veggies were AMAZING. Dude I am always marinating my mushrooms from now on.

I ended up grilling the corn in husk and then shucking and adding butter and tajin. Yuuuuuummmy.

Happy grilling my people!!!!!

(Warning, I’m about to talk about trauma)
I have been diagnosed for a year, but I’ve had these problems for a long time.

Now I am getting more and more sensitive to activators (one of the therapists at my iop doesn’t use “triggers” as a word because he worked with military ptsd survivors, and I want to be careful).

It’s like everything activates me. I get fight or flight an I run. Last month I could listen to recovery stories that included SA. I can’t do it anymore. My group therapy (for addiction) started talking about being careful at the club because of being drugged and I had to walk out.

From the what I know, my trauma was being exposed to 9orn at 12 and being sa’d by an older girl around 6-7. I also have extensive religious trauma from being g raised in a cult.

I use alcohol as an escape. I’m trying to get sober. My other escape is maladaptive daydreaming. It’s gotten so bad that every time I let my mind wander into a daydream I have flashbacks. And the nightmares are so bad.

I have been trying to find an emdr therapist who knows about addiction for months. It’s one fence in front of the other. I am in trauma therapy, in addiction counseling, and have a second addiction therapist at iop. They all say emdr. I attempted it 3 years ago, and I relapsed after 14 months. She was a religious therapist who was a pastor, so that went horribly. No breaks, no containment exercises.

I am scared and I am think I will drink myself to death before this ends. It’s all the time.

I really feel like I would benefit from a female (also lgbtqia+) safe space flair.

I’m saying that we have different experiences, and unfortunately the patriarchy doesn’t disappear once you press that pomo button.

It’s not even that it’s problematic. It’s that male-teaching oriented shit. Some of you men seem like you are giving a talk when you post. Building a sermon. Preparing a rebuttal or a part on the meeting when you comment. And I get that’s a part of who you are trained to be. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s who you are. And it also doesn’t always feel inclusive.

Just a flair. A way to mark a post that I don’t need male interpretations for. And maybe I am just externalizing my discomfort and lack of trust. But that’s also ok, and I don’t think I’m the only one that feels this sometimes. Am I?

This is not an attack. But I’m not going to apologize for asking for a little grace coming out of a suppressive religion that took my autonomy for 39 years and told me my experiences of the world were second class at best.

Like have you done it with worchestershire, Dijon, and butter.

The only things in this list I am sure will make a good steak is w-sauce and butter.

It is also a cheap ass cut of steak, gifted, so I want it to taste good.

This one’s bad.

I have bipolar 2. All my life I have been more depressive than manic. This time it’s been since December. I’m not coming out of it.

Most days I can function, barely. Some times I stay in bed whole days just maladaptive daydreaming to avoid feeling anything. I’m an alcoholic as well and I’ve relapsed more than I can say. I barely do anything but sit and knit or crochet. I sometimes make it to iop and rarely have the motivation to do DoorDash.

I have not been able to hold down a job in 11 years. I’m in the process of going back to school, finding a job, finding an apartment. I want to actually live life. But I’m not sure I can.

I really thought my meds were working, to be fair I’ve been much worse. Now I have actual helpful mental health experts in my corner. And I finally realized I am in an episode, and that my depression is unmanageable with meds. I just got that genetic testing today. Hopefully we can find something.

I am losing it.

Has anyone been able to come out of this with the genetic testing to find meds that work and then actually changed their lives? Cause I would like to work, make a difference. Be independent.

So is rumplestiltken the real bad guy in this series? Just a yes or no would be nice.

I’m genuinely asking, because before I woke up, I really did try to study the Bible. On my own.

I went through the gospels. Did the study bible. Did the references and the wol. Then I did the apostles writings. And I studied. And studied. And realized that Paul was an absolute ass. Couldn’t get away from it. And he contradicted Jesus so much. And everyone i told that Paul was an arrogant ass treated me like I was saying something scandalous. But he was.

I’ve read that some witnesses were discouraged from Bible study, but that was not the case in my hall or circuit.

So how many of yall really did the study? And tried to reconcile the differences?

Sorry. Paul is not real. But if he was, he was an apostate and a freaking prick.