u/Royal-Particular7949

Please talk sense into me. Be brutally honest.

I'm writing this as unbiased as possible from my perspective. I'm not perfect and I know I've made mistakes too, but I feel insane and I need a reality check.

Please give me your brutally honest opinions on what has happened in the last 24 hours.

In my ~ 14 month relationship, there is a recurring issue where I feel blamed and emotionally unsafe during conflict (despite his own admission that he hasn't treated me properly), and I just need to vent what happened last night.

I'm exhausted and feel worn down. I need help. My sister says this is how is was when she was with an abuser and I need to LEAVE.

The night before last he got drunk with friends, despite previously saying he wanted to avoid drinking - as he is currently going through active valium withdrawals. At 3am he woke me up with multiple messages saying he'd drunk a lot, was staying at a hotel, and our plans for the next day were now unclear. I felt anxious and disappointed. I expressed as much, which created conflict as he thought I should have said "silly you, it's all good, take care" - I do realise I shouldn't have engaged til morning. The next day (yesterday), we kept modified plans and I drove him 40min to meet his friend, and I later found out he'd had 15-20 drinks and almost no sleep the night before.

While driving, there were road closures and maps kept rerouting, so he was giving directions. I asked three times where I was supposed to go and got no answer. Eventually, frustrated and with cars waiting on me at a roundabout, I raised my voice and said, "Where do I go!?"

He got extremely angry and demanded an immediate apology. I wanted understanding, saying I hadn't yelled AT him, I was frustrated after being ignored multiple times, but was repeatedly spoken over and yelled at. It was madness.

This escalated, and I parked after missing a turn - he continued to yell "you have a choice - either you FIX THIS or I'm leaving, I don't care anymore, FIX IT. I don't care."

I said "if you don't care about this or me, just fuck off". He got out of the car and walked away. I sat parked for a few minutes, then made my way to our destination. In the time I had parked and found him, he had called his brother and told his friends the situation - because he was "panicking" about being yelled at and kicked out of my car.

He said he'd speak to me, but away from his best friend - I said it's fine, might be good to have an outside perspective. He refused, telling me I couldn't say hello to them without fixing things first. I went to say hi anyway, then went back to talk to him - he was seething that I'd said hello first. He spoke at me for 10 minutes, wouldn't let me speak, and if I tried I was spoken over. He said the only thing I could do to salvage the night was apologise, which I did - he said it wasn't sincere. He continued to berate me, and people were starting to look at us. I said speak to me like a human you care about, maybe we should do this with your friends so others can see how you speak to me.... if not, I'll go back to your friends anyway, and watch the football as planned, while you calm down.

I walked away, he called out once and I kept walking. He later claims he was yelling my name repeatedly, but I heard it once - we were in a busy sports club. I was on the verge of tears, apologised to his friends and said I just wanted to watch the game, and I'm worried about him but there wasn't any convo, he's just being aggressive and inflammatory. He came, told me to leave, I said I'd move to a different area if he wanted, but he said no and left to walk home.

I picked him up and tried to calm him down. I was super gentle, soothing and said the night can still be ok, I want him to feel better, whatever he needs. He was quiet, and I encouraged him to share his thoughts. He said he felt "like an energy vampire sucking the positivity from everyone" and everything was ruined. I told him he is going through withdrawals and the reaction was big, we'd had a fight, but nothing world-ending, if he could calm down and admit he wasn't feeling well, his friend would understand and we could have a good night, no one would judge him, it's okay. These situations have happened before and he dwells in shame after the fact, apologising and realising the reaction was disproportionate, so I tried to help him change this and turn it around, before the whole night was over.

I apologised again for raising my voice, and I apologised for taking so long to apologise. He said it wasn't a proper apology because I "missed 3 steps - I hadn't told him how my behaviour would change, I didn't sit in how he felt and I didn't thank him for listening". He said I have no grace for "his mistake" - not giving directions when I'd asked 3 times cos he was tired, but when I said "I also deserve grace for the mistake of yelling in frustration after being ignored" - he just got angrier.

Instead of calming down, he then escalated further. He repeatedly blamed me for ruining the whole night, for embarrassing him in front of his friends, and became increasingly hostile. I tried to de-escalate again and again, suggested we still go and enjoy the evening and talk later, and spent a lot of time trying to comfort him because he was spiralling emotionally. Nothing worked, even things he has told me repeatedly would help in these moments.

His brother and friend called at separate times, and he spoke calmly and normally. Most was in his native language (so I couldn't understand) but I heard his brother talking about "ending the suffering" (i.e. break up with me). I asked why he spoke respectfully to them, but became hostile again as soon as he spoke to me afterwards. He said "because they didn't fking piss me the FK off tonight and ruin the whole night and my time with my friend - YOU DID".

He asked me to take him to his friend to eat. I said I'm starving too after not eating all day, and as I had encouraged him to contact his friend again so we could all salvage the night I thought it was fair to still be included - but he wanted me to drop him off and leave - which felt intentionally hurtful.

He repeatedly brought up past issues, including things I thought were safe topics and had said in vulnerability. He shamed me for asking for reassurance before meeting his friend, even though I get social anxiety and he has abandoned me in social situations in the past... I thought he'd understand anxiety as it's the reason he began taking valium, but it was weaponised against me as if I'd burdened him by admitting I was nervous and wanted support.

I was crying and drove him near his house to meet his friend, he feigned care, saying "let me drive, you can't drive if you're crying like this" (after I dropped him home, I had to drive 40min back to mine, at night and in the rain. I said "if you cared, you wouldn't let me cry like this over such a ridiculous situation". He kept saying "you just want to make out that I'm a terrible guy" and wouldn't let up, going on and on and on that it was my fault.

I yelled then, saying "I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE, LEAVE ME ALONE", at which he got out of the car and said, "I hope you can see how you've ruined everything tonight." I sat in the car crying for 30min, on the side of the road with my hazards on, then went home.

What is confusing me is that the entire conflict seems to have started because I raised my voice once after not getting an answer to a question I'd asked repeatedly.

From my perspective, I made a minor mistake and apologised for it, but was then treated as though I had committed some major betrayal. I tried to put it aside multiple times and repair, so we could have a good night, but he wouldn't allow this.

His reaction ruined the night, but I am being blamed for everything, was yelled at, and was left feeling completely responsible for his emotions.

Any and all thoughts are welcome.

I'm struggling. I've been looking up emotional abuse for a few months and I'm fairly sure that's what is happening, but of course I'm doubting myself.

A month ago my psychologist said she has watched me self-reflect and try different things to improve our conflict, to no avail and no benefit to myself. She advised I leave, after repeated lies (his own admissions), receiving scraps of affection, zero celebratory events in 14months (always an excuse), no follow through on promises, inconsistency, and constant emotional turmoil - he is not bringing anything to my life and my mental health is suffering.

I do love him as a person, and I want the best for him. I suggested a few weeks ago that we stop talking so he can deal with his substance abuse issues without stress, and he freaked out and said no, being apart is the last thing he wants.

I feel like I've done everything I can to forgive his shortcomings, offer grace, support and love him. But I can't even be given a shred of understanding for raising my voice in frustration? It feels impossible.

I'm writing this as unbiased as possible from my perspective. I'm not perfect and I know I've made mistakes too, but I feel insane and I need a reality check.

Please give me your brutally honest opinions on what has happened in the last 24 hours.

In my ~ 14 month relationship, there is a recurring issue where I feel blamed and emotionally unsafe during conflict (despite his own admission that he hasn't treated me properly), and I just need to vent what happened last night.

I'm exhausted and feel worn down. I need help. My sister says this is how is was when she was with an abuser and I need to LEAVE.

The night before last he got drunk with friends, despite previously saying he wanted to avoid drinking - as he is currently going through active valium withdrawals. At 3am he woke me up with multiple messages saying he'd drunk a lot, was staying at a hotel, and our plans for the next day were now unclear. I felt anxious and disappointed. I expressed as much, which created conflict as he thought I should have said "silly you, it's all good, take care" - I do realise I shouldn't have engaged til morning. The next day (yesterday), we kept modified plans and I drove him 40min to meet his friend, and I later found out he'd had 15-20 drinks and almost no sleep the night before.

While driving, there were road closures and maps kept rerouting, so he was giving directions. I asked three times where I was supposed to go and got no answer. Eventually, frustrated and with cars waiting on me at a roundabout, I raised my voice and said, "Where do I go!?"

He got extremely angry and demanded an immediate apology. I wanted understanding, saying I hadn't yelled AT him, I was frustrated after being ignored multiple times, but was repeatedly spoken over and yelled at. It was madness.

This escalated, and I parked after missing a turn - he continued to yell "you have a choice - either you FIX THIS or I'm leaving, I don't care anymore, FIX IT. I don't care."

I said "if you don't care about this or me, just fuck off". He got out of the car and walked away. I sat parked for a few minutes, then made my way to our destination. In the time I had parked and found him, he had called his brother and told his friends the situation - because he was "panicking" about being yelled at and kicked out of my car.

He said he'd speak to me, but away from his best friend - I said it's fine, might be good to have an outside perspective. He refused, telling me I couldn't say hello to them without fixing things first. I went to say hi anyway, then went back to talk to him - he was seething that I'd said hello first. He spoke at me for 10 minutes, wouldn't let me speak, and if I tried I was spoken over. He said the only thing I could do to salvage the night was apologise, which I did - he said it wasn't sincere. He continued to berate me, and people were starting to look at us. I said speak to me like a human you care about, maybe we should do this with your friends so others can see how you speak to me.... if not, I'll go back to your friends anyway, and watch the football as planned, while you calm down.

I walked away, he called out once and I kept walking. He later claims he was yelling my name repeatedly, but I heard it once - we were in a busy sports club. I was on the verge of tears, apologised to his friends and said I just wanted to watch the game, and I'm worried about him but there wasn't any convo, he's just being aggressive and inflammatory. He came, told me to leave, I said I'd move to a different area if he wanted, but he said no and left to walk home.

I picked him up and tried to calm him down. I was super gentle, soothing and said the night can still be ok, I want him to feel better, whatever he needs. He was quiet, and I encouraged him to share his thoughts. He said he felt "like an energy vampire sucking the positivity from everyone" and everything was ruined. I told him he is going through withdrawals and the reaction was big, we'd had a fight, but nothing world-ending, if he could calm down and admit he wasn't feeling well, his friend would understand and we could have a good night, no one would judge him, it's okay. These situations have happened before and he dwells in shame after the fact, apologising and realising the reaction was disproportionate, so I tried to help him change this and turn it around, before the whole night was over.

I apologised again for raising my voice, and I apologised for taking so long to apologise. He said it wasn't a proper apology because I "missed 3 steps - I hadn't told him how my behaviour would change, I didn't sit in how he felt and I didn't thank him for listening". He said I have no grace for "his mistake" - not giving directions when I'd asked 3 times cos he was tired, but when I said "I also deserve grace for the mistake of yelling in frustration after being ignored" - he just got angrier.

Instead of calming down, he then escalated further. He repeatedly blamed me for ruining the whole night, for embarrassing him in front of his friends, and became increasingly hostile. I tried to de-escalate again and again, suggested we still go and enjoy the evening and talk later, and spent a lot of time trying to comfort him because he was spiralling emotionally. Nothing worked, even things he has told me repeatedly would help in these moments.

His brother and friend called at separate times, and he spoke calmly and normally. Most was in his native language (so I couldn't understand) but I heard his brother talking about "ending the suffering" (i.e. break up with me). I asked why he spoke respectfully to them, but became hostile again as soon as he spoke to me afterwards. He said "because they didn't fking piss me the FK off tonight and ruin the whole night and my time with my friend - YOU DID".

He asked me to take him to his friend to eat. I said I'm starving too after not eating all day, and as I had encouraged him to contact his friend again so we could all salvage the night I thought it was fair to still be included - but he wanted me to drop him off and leave - which felt intentionally hurtful.

He repeatedly brought up past issues, including things I thought were safe topics and had said in vulnerability. He shamed me for asking for reassurance before meeting his friend, even though I get social anxiety and he has abandoned me in social situations in the past... I thought he'd understand anxiety as it's the reason he began taking valium, but it was weaponised against me as if I'd burdened him by admitting I was nervous and wanted support.

I was crying and drove him near his house to meet his friend, he feigned care, saying "let me drive, you can't drive if you're crying like this" (after I dropped him home, I had to drive 40min back to mine, at night and in the rain. I said "if you cared, you wouldn't let me cry like this over such a ridiculous situation". He kept saying "you just want to make out that I'm a terrible guy" and wouldn't let up, going on and on and on that it was my fault.

I yelled then, saying "I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE, LEAVE ME ALONE", at which he got out of the car and said, "I hope you can see how you've ruined everything tonight." I sat in the car crying for 30min, on the side of the road with my hazards on, then went home.

What is confusing me is that the entire conflict seems to have started because I raised my voice once after not getting an answer to a question I'd asked repeatedly.

From my perspective, I made a minor mistake and apologised for it, but was then treated as though I had committed some major betrayal. I tried to put it aside multiple times and repair, so we could have a good night, but he wouldn't allow this.

His reaction ruined the night, but I am being blamed for everything, was yelled at, and was left feeling completely responsible for his emotions.

Any and all thoughts are welcome.

I'm struggling. I've been looking up emotional abuse for a few months and I'm fairly sure that's what is happening, but of course I'm doubting myself.

A month ago my psychologist said she has watched me self-reflect and try different things to improve our conflict, to no avail and no benefit to myself. She advised I leave, after repeated lies (his own admissions), receiving scraps of affection, zero celebratory events in 14months (always an excuse), no follow through on promises, inconsistency, and constant emotional turmoil - he is not bringing anything to my life and my mental health is suffering.

I do love him as a person, and I want the best for him. I suggested a few weeks ago that we stop talking so he can deal with his substance abuse issues without stress, and he freaked out and said no, being apart is the last thing he wants.

I feel like I've done everything I can to forgive his shortcomings, offer grace, support and love him. But I can't even be given a shred of understanding for raising my voice in frustration? It feels impossible.

Sorry this is so long... Below is a description of the last few days with my (34F) partner (29M). There's a LOT more to our story but this represents the main dynamic between us - I believe I am anxious attachment (maybe disorganised) and he is avoidant.

​

My partner returned on Sunday from a weekend away with his brothers, we had barely spoken since Thursday. He expressed wanting to chat and catch up "when he got back" because he "missed me so much".

That night, I received 6 audios - the first 5 were him talking about himself, how he felt sick, had lost his phone, and how he wanted to edit his trip photos that night before crashing early as he was so tired.

The last audio was 6 min long - so I said I'll listen later, cos I feel a little rejected after hearing he wanted to edit photos rather than hop on video call to catch up with me for a bit... And that I felt a bit like an audience to his podcast rather than a participant in a convo.

​

He replied "we can get on discord for a bit, but I want to be mindful of time". I told him I felt sensitive (pms) and wanted my feelings validated, cos I felt a bit hurt not being included in his night after not speaking for so long.

He got defensive, angrily saying he was excited to speak to me and that he'd expressed that in his 6 min audio - how much he spoke about me to his family and admitted his own defensiveness to them etc.

​

Somehow this became a fight that lasted 3 hours.

I only wanted my feelings validated, something I have repeatedly asked for and said I need. He was angry that he sent audios and said he'll never express excitement again because I've killed it and he doesn't feel safe anymore. It was out of control, and I was dysregulated after being invalidated for something so small.

​

We finally spoke after I reached out yesterday (Tues). He asked to see me today (Wed) after I finished work. I said I planned to go to yoga, and he kept pushing - saying "Fk yoga - this should be more important to you". (Side note: I have often asked him to visit after work, as we only hang out ~10 days or so... even though he currently only works Thurs + Fri, he says he is too busy, tired, sick, stressed on the days that suit me...)

I said I was unwilling to give up yoga as I have regularly shuffled my life around to accommodate his schedule, while he has not done the same for me EVER. In fact, he has cancelled plans last minute a number of times, after I'm ready and waiting for him, and he can't understand how this is disrespecting my time?

​

Regardless, this prompted me to go on a bit of a rant, and I shared a lot of pent up feelings after asking if he felt okay to listen. This included saying I feel close to giving up, like all my empathy and energy has been spent trying to keep us afloat. He listened and validated me better than he ever has during, but then had nothing to say when I was finished talking.

I requested some care, or ANY words to show that what I said had been received? I even gave some examples of what I'd appreciate hearing, e.g. "baby I don't want you to give up" or "I want to understand your perspective better even though I’m not there yet."

He said my examples were true of what he was thinking, but he wouldn't say any of it - literally refused, saying he'd rather talk in person, and continued asking to see me in today.

I should have stopped pushing for care/support but I was so frustrated and it became another long, exhausting fight until 1am. I said "I just wanted to feel your care", and he kept bringing up a million different things.

We can agree that dynamic is unhealthy, but we keep finding ourselves in that cycle.

​

When I admitted to struggling on my new medication, he softened immediately, saying he can understand my feelings if they're not about him because there's no shame involved. I thought we went to bed on relatively good terms.

​

Today at work, I texted saying I was so tired that it was unlikely I'd go to yoga after all, and if he wanted to come over we could do our own yoga, and rest together. When I didn't hear back upon leaving work at 1:30pm, I called.

He made a drama of coughing and mumbling into the phone - having just woken up. He read my texts and said he felt unwell and didn't want to get out of bed. I said okay, no problem.

He asked if I was disappointed, I said yes. He said me too, are you okay? I said yes, I feel for you, but I'm more disappointed because it sounded like you were really sure about wanting to visit me today. He started speaking over me, then yelling - saying I rejected him by planning to go to yoga, and then keeping him up all night fighting (Side note: We went to bed at the same time, and I woke at 6am for work. We have both been sick with a cold, but I am more recovered than he is and he was fine on the weekend to drink and smoke with his brothers.)

He went on about how he has so much to think about from last night, how I haven't apologised or acknowledged anything, and how I am never a "man's woman who just says take it easy and hope you feel better soon".

He has repeatedly said he would prefer to speak in person, which is what I was trying to achieve.

I can't believe I was yelled at, again, despite answering HIS question and expressing myself calmly and without any tone (which is the usual reason he writes off what I say)...

​

I feel so hurt. I have done a lot to heal my attachment and improve my communication in the time we've been dating (~ 14 months)... I see a psychologist fortnightly, and am completing a DBT program individually, journal and listen to podcasts. I do feel I have become significantly more secure overall, despite the instability within our relationship.

However, I feel my requests for validation, consistency, reliability (following through on his word), and being prioritised are repeatedly made into enormous conflicts. When I have tried being silent on these matters to let him lead us, we do nothing except watch a show on discord (not quality time imo), and he usually says I'm "emotionally cold" and "not making any effort to see him". But when I do, I'm too demanding.

​

​

- Any advice related to our dynamic?

- Has anyone dated someone with deep shame and defensiveness wounds? Is it possible to help them heal? At this point, every feeling or thought I share about him triggers a fight.

- Is asking for care too demanding for some people?

- Am I asking for too much by asking for care, or wanting to have my feelings validated or at least see some curiosity?

​

​

Tldr: endless defensiveness and disappointment is killing my relationship. I'm unsure what to do or how to help our dynamic level out into a secure attachment?

Sorry this is so long... There's actually much more to our relationship but only seeking advice on the last 2 days of fighting please.

​

My partner (29M) returned on Sunday from a weekend away with his brothers, we had barely spoken since Thursday. He expressed wanting to chat and catch up "when he got back" because he "missed me so much".

That night, I received 6 audios - the first 5 were him talking about himself, how he felt sick, had lost his phone, and how he wanted to edit his trip photos that night before crashing early as he was so tired.

The last audio was 6 min long - so I said I'll listen later, cos I feel a little rejected after hearing he wanted to edit photos rather than hop on video call to catch up with me for a bit... And that I felt a bit like an audience to his podcast rather than a participant in a convo.

​

He replied "we can get on discord for a bit, but I want to be mindful of time". I told him I felt sensitive (pms) and wanted my feelings validated, cos I felt a bit hurt not being included in his night after not speaking for so long.

He got defensive, angrily saying he was excited to speak to me and that he'd expressed that in his 6 min audio - how much he spoke about me to his family and admitted his own defensiveness to them etc.

​

Somehow this became a fight that lasted 3 hours.

I only wanted my feelings validated, something I have repeatedly asked for and said I need. He was angry that he sent audios and said he'll never express excitement again because I've killed it and he doesn't feel safe anymore. It was out of control, and I was dysregulated after being invalidated for something so small.

​

We finally spoke after I reached out yesterday (Tues). He asked to see me today (Wed) after I finished work. I said I planned to go to yoga, and he kept pushing - saying "Fk yoga - this should be more important to you". (Side note: I have often asked him to visit after work, as we only hang out ~10 days or so... even though he currently only works Thurs + Fri, he says he is too busy, tired, sick, stressed on the days that suit me...)

I said I was unwilling to give up yoga as I have regularly shuffled my life around to accommodate his schedule, while he has not done the same for me EVER. In fact, he has cancelled plans last minute a number of times, after I'm ready and waiting for him, and he can't understand how this is disrespecting my time?

​

Regardless, this prompted me to go on a bit of a rant, and I shared a lot of pent up feelings after asking if he felt okay to listen. This included saying I feel close to giving up, like all my empathy and energy has been spent trying to keep us afloat. He listened and validated me better than he ever has during, but then had nothing to say when I was finished talking.

I requested some care, or ANY words to show that what I said had been received? I even gave some examples of what I'd appreciate hearing, e.g. "baby I don't want you to give up" or "I want to understand your perspective better even though I’m not there yet."

He said my examples were true of what he was thinking, but he wouldn't say any of it - literally refused, saying he'd rather talk in person, and continued asking to see me in today.

I should have stopped pushing for care/support but I was so frustrated and it became another long, exhausting fight until 1am. I said "I just wanted to feel your care", and he kept bringing up a million different things.

We can agree that dynamic is unhealthy, but we keep finding ourselves in that cycle.

​

When I admitted to struggling on my new medication, he softened immediately, saying he can understand my feelings if they're not about him because there's no shame involved. I thought we went to bed on relatively good terms.

​

Today at work, I texted saying I was so tired that it was unlikely I'd go to yoga after all, and if he wanted to come over we could do our own yoga, and rest together. When I didn't hear back upon leaving work at 1:30pm, I called.

He made a drama of coughing and mumbling into the phone - having just woken up. He read my texts and said he felt unwell and didn't want to get out of bed. I said okay, no problem.

He asked if I was disappointed, I said yes. He said me too, are you okay? I said yes, I feel for you, but I'm more disappointed because it sounded like you were really sure about wanting to visit me today. He started speaking over me, then yelling - saying I rejected him by planning to go to yoga, and then keeping him up all night fighting (Side note: We went to bed at the same time, and I woke at 6am for work. We have both been sick with a cold, but I am more recovered than he is and he was fine on the weekend to drink and smoke with his brothers.)

He went on about how he has so much to think about from last night, how I haven't apologised or acknowledged anything, and how I am never a "man's woman who just says take it easy and hope you feel better soon".

He has repeatedly said he would prefer to speak in person, which is what I was trying to achieve.

I can't believe I was yelled at, again, despite answering HIS question and expressing myself calmly and without any tone (which is the usual reason he writes off what I say)...

​

I'm so hurt. This isn't even the worst thing that has happened in the last month.

​

​

- Looking for general opinions or advice on this particular situation?

- Any advice related to the pursue/withdrawal dynamic?

- Has anyone dated someone with deep shame and defensiveness wounds? Is it possible to help them? At this point, every feeling or thought I have about him triggers a fight.

- Is asking for care too demanding for some people?

- Am I asking for too much to want to share my feelings and be validated or at least shown some curiosity?

- Or is this what avoidant attachment looks like?

​

​

Tldr: endless defensiveness and disappointment is killing my relationship. I'm unsure what to do, I'm exhausted, and I'm getting really close to giving up. How do you know when a relationship has run its course? Will I ever feel sure about leaving?

Sorry this is so long...

​

My partner (29M) returned on Sunday from a weekend away with his brothers, we had barely spoken since Thursday. He expressed wanting to chat and catch up "when he got back" because he "missed me so much".

That night, I received 6 audios - the first 5 were him talking about himself, how he felt sick, had lost his phone, and how he wanted to edit his trip photos that night before crashing early as he was so tired.

The last audio was 6 min long - so I said I'll listen later, cos I feel a little rejected after hearing he wanted to edit photos rather than hop on video call to catch up with me for a bit... And that I felt a bit like an audience to his podcast rather than a participant in a convo.

​

He replied "we can get on discord for a bit, but I want to be mindful of time". I told him I felt sensitive (pms) and wanted my feelings validated, cos I felt a bit hurt not being included in his night after not speaking for so long.

He got defensive, angrily saying he was excited to speak to me and that he'd expressed that in his 6 min audio - how much he spoke about me to his family and admitted his own defensiveness to them etc.

​

Somehow this became a fight that lasted 3 hours.

I only wanted my feelings validated, something I have repeatedly asked for and said I need. He was angry that he sent audios and said he'll never express excitement again because I've killed it and he doesn't feel safe anymore. It was out of control, and I was dysregulated after being invalidated for something so small.

​

We finally spoke after I reached out yesterday (Tues). He asked to see me today (Wed) after I finished work. I said I planned to go to yoga, and he kept pushing - saying "Fk yoga - this should be more important to you". (Side note: I have often asked him to visit after work, as we only hang out ~10 days or so... even though he currently only works Thurs + Fri, he says he is too busy, tired, sick, stressed on the days that suit me...)

I said I was unwilling to give up yoga as I have regularly shuffled my life around to accommodate his schedule, while he has not done the same for me EVER. In fact, he has cancelled plans last minute a number of times, after I'm ready and waiting for him, and he can't understand how this is disrespecting my time?

​

Regardless, this prompted me to go on a bit of a rant, and I shared a lot of pent up feelings after asking if he felt okay to listen. This included saying I feel close to giving up, like all my empathy and energy has been spent trying to keep us afloat. He listened and validated me better than he ever has during, but then had nothing to say when I was finished talking.

I requested some care, or ANY words to show that what I said had been received? I even gave some examples of what I'd appreciate hearing, e.g. "baby I don't want you to give up" or "I want to understand your perspective better even though I’m not there yet."

He said my examples were true of what he was thinking, but he wouldn't say any of it - literally refused, saying he'd rather talk in person, and continued asking to see me in today.

I should have stopped pushing for care/support but I was so frustrated and it became another long, exhausting fight until 1am. I said "I just wanted to feel your care", and he kept bringing up a million different things.

We can agree that dynamic is unhealthy, but we keep finding ourselves in that cycle.

​

When I admitted to struggling on my new medication, he softened immediately, saying he can understand my feelings if they're not about him because there's no shame involved. I thought we went to bed on relatively good terms.

​

Today at work, I texted saying I was so tired that it was unlikely I'd go to yoga after all, and if he wanted to come over we could do our own yoga, and rest together. When I didn't hear back upon leaving work at 1:30pm, I called.

He made a drama of coughing and mumbling into the phone - having just woken up. He read my texts and said he felt unwell and didn't want to get out of bed. I said okay, no problem.

He asked if I was disappointed, I said yes. He said me too, are you okay? I said yes, I feel for you, but I'm more disappointed because it sounded like you were really sure about wanting to visit me today. He started speaking over me, then yelling - saying I rejected him by planning to go to yoga, and then keeping him up all night fighting (Side note: We went to bed at the same time, and I woke at 6am for work. We have both been sick with a cold, but I am more recovered than he is and he was fine on the weekend to drink and smoke with his brothers.)

He went on about how he has so much to think about from last night, how I haven't apologised or acknowledged anything, and how I am never a "man's woman who just says take it easy and hope you feel better soon".

He has repeatedly said he would prefer to speak in person, which is what I was trying to achieve.

I can't believe I was yelled at, again, despite answering HIS question and expressing myself calmly and without any tone (which is the usual reason he writes off what I say)...

​

I'm so hurt. This isn't even the worst thing that has happened in the last month.

​

​

- Looking for general opinions or advice on this particular situation?

- Any advice related to the pursue/withdrawal dynamic?

- Has anyone dated someone with deep shame and defensiveness wounds? Is it possible to help them? At this point, every feeling or thought I have about him triggers a fight.

- Is asking for care too demanding for some people?

- Am I asking for too much to want to share my feelings and be validated or at least shown some curiosity?

- Or is this what avoidant attachment looks like?

​

​

Tldr: endless defensiveness and disappointment is killing my relationship. I'm unsure what to do, I'm exhausted, and I'm getting really close to giving up. How do you know when a relationship has run its course? Will I ever feel sure about leaving?

I [34F] have been with my partner [29M] for 14 months, and he consistently struggles to hold space for my feelings.

​

Whenever I share my feelings or need reassurance, my partner becomes defensive. He seems unable to validate or emotionally attune to my experience, and it almost always ends in an argument.

​

E.g. I recently shared a random story. His response was to sing a line from the song I mentioned - nothing else.

I said I didn't feel heard, because he seemed sidetracked by singing.

He defended his right to sing, and said "you mentioned that song, I was listening, that's why I sung it". Zero attunement to my experience. It escalated and became a 5 hour fight.

Early on, I was frustrated and raised my voice because I kept being spoken over, and from then on he wouldn't engage with anything I said until I acknowledged and apologised for yelling.

After 5 hours, he randomly softened, apologised for everything and was really affectionate.

​

This is a repeated pattern.

- I share or ask for reassurance

- He defends himself

- I feel dismissed and get upset

- He escalates because of my tone, regularly speaks over me

- I get louder

- He demands an apology for my raised voice or tone

- Argument cycles until he asks for a break

- He apologises, hours or days later.

​

Questions:

Does anyone know how to stop this cycle?

​

Is it possible for someone to learn how to hold space for emotions during discomfort?

​

Happy to hear any and all honest thoughts and opinions.

​

​

TLDR: my partner often becomes defensive when I share feelings or need reassurance, and it causes exhausting arguments. Need help with how to stop this cycle, or whether I should even try?

I [34F] have been with my partner [29M] for 14 months, and he consistently struggles to hold space for my feelings.

​

Whenever I share my feelings or need reassurance, my partner becomes defensive. He seems unable to validate or emotionally attune to my experience, and it almost always ends in an argument.

​

E.g. I recently shared a random story. His response was to sing a line from the song I mentioned - nothing else.

I said I didn't feel heard, because he seemed sidetracked by singing.

He defended his right to sing, and said "you mentioned that song, I was listening, that's why I sung it". Zero attunement to my experience. It escalated and became a 5 hour fight.

Early on, I was frustrated and raised my voice because I kept being spoken over, and from then on he wouldn't engage with anything I said until I acknowledged and apologised for yelling.

After 5 hours, he randomly softened, apologised for everything and was really affectionate.

​

This is a repeated pattern.

- I share or ask for reassurance

- He defends himself

- I feel dismissed and get upset

- He escalates because of my tone, regularly speaks over me

- I get louder

- He demands an apology for my raised voice or tone

- Argument cycles until he asks for a break

- He apologises, hours or days later.

​

Questions:

Does anyone know how to stop this cycle?

​

Is it possible for someone to learn how to hold space for emotions during discomfort?

​

Happy to hear any and all honest thoughts and opinions.

​

​

TLDR: my partner often becomes defensive when I share feelings or need reassurance, and it causes exhausting arguments. Need help with how to stop this cycle, or whether I should even try?