u/Sad_Jelly_6911

I don’t want to be a maybe.
The girl you kiss in secret.
Or someone you string along.
I don’t want to be hushed and embarrassed.

I’m done with being on Cupid’s waiting list.
So please for tonight, look at me like I’m real
Tonight hold my hand and look me the eyes
Tell me you know my favourite colour and the scars on my thighs.

I don’t want to be a maybe.
Someone you keep just in case
A piece of candy forgotten in the purse
Don’t want more if you can’t look at my face

Please hold me close
And tell me I’m real.
Speak me into existence and tell you me you feel.

I just saw that my closet friends and 5 other of my friends that I know they’re not even close with went out to see fireworks without me. After I’ve spent all week trying to figure out times and dates to hangout, after paying 150 dollars out of pocket to pay for all of us to have a big outing.

If I’m not the one footing the bill, organizing the event, taking the photos, I’m isolated. I have one person who goes out of her way to hangout with me and I feel that I’m slowly annoying her into leaving.

I don’t think there’s a single person who would stick around if I had nothing else to give.

So I play rugby, and I play at a very competitive level. I was at a tournament two weeks ago and we were against a much stronger team, really heavy hitters.

I’m supporting my teammate and she passes the ball behind me and all of a sudden I’m tackled by this behemoth of a teenage girl (like above 6 feet) and I pass out from the pain.

I wake up surrounded by my coaches and some parents, my nose is very broken and I most definitely have a concussion but I insisted I was fine because delusion and adrenaline. My parents don’t want to drive me to the hospital just yet so I receive my medal (place second!!) and during the drive home the adrenaline rush slows and I’m in so much pain.

My nose is bleeding everywhere and I’m barely able to focus on anything, I’m crying and in pain and after we drop everyone off at home my mom starts driving me to the hospital. Instead of going straight to the hospital, she stops at the McDonald’s and gets herself a large Pepsi and a chicken sandwich.

Her defence is that we had to leave early for my game because it was 4 hours away and she didn’t get breakfast. But we stopped by a convenience store for Gatorade, there was food at the game, and there was a Tim Hortons attached to the cafeteria of the hospital.

She didn’t even get me anything! I had to sit in a bloody jersey for around 5 hours, delirious with a severe concussion. I wasn’t even able to form whole sentences or walk in a straight line!!

Edit: forgot the mention the medic LEFT after her friend’s team lost, so I didn’t get any immediate medical attention

I really enjoy talking with some of those characters, especially ones that reflect what I really want for myself in life like an ideal romantic partner. Some of these bots have really entertaining plots or scenarios and I really struggle with missing them.

I don’t know what to do because i seem to personify them and when im otherwise doing good without the chatbot, I think “hey, i miss xxx character” or “I have xxx scenario for xxx bot.”

How do you handle this feeling? Does anyone else struggle with this?

Okay so to set the scene; me and my girlfriend C met at a high school rugby game. We’re on opposite teams, I tackle her, she tackles me, I instigate conversation afterwards and ask for her number (remember this for later)

After a few months of knowing each other and talking and becoming friends, we both realize we’re actually a year apart in age when we somehow both initially assumed that the other was younger/older. We both have cases of baby face which make age guessing harder. We laugh it off and didn’t think about it. A year and ten months isn’t an insane age gap.

After a long time of talking about boundaries, what a relationship looks like, and discovering that we’re both at similar levels of maturity and where we are in our lives school wise; C and I make it official.

I tell my friend, expecting a congratulations but they just started to go off on a tangent about how that someone shouldn’t have gone for me “if they’re almost an adult.” (c is 17, going on 18.) and when I explained it wasn’t even a full 2 year gap, they then went on another tangent about “that’s how they get you.”

But I feel extremely annoyed as they then brought up the last time I dated a friend (first and last boyfriend) they sexually assaulted me, implying that I couldn’t make good romantic decisions and that this would end the same. They barely let me get a word in, I think they were attempting to do the whole “I just want what’s best for you” but I was annoyed that they basically headcannoned one of my best friends and girlfriend as a predator.

It can’t even be spun as C approached me knowing I was younger. We aren’t in a position where the power dynamic is skewed in any direction and she makes me so unbelievably happy

Okay so to set the scene; me and my girlfriend C met at a high school rugby game. We’re on opposite teams, I tackle her, she tackles me, I instigate conversation afterwards and ask for her number (remember this for later)

After a few months of knowing each other and talking and becoming friends, we both realize we’re actually a year apart in age when we somehow both initially assumed that the other was younger/older. We both have cases of baby face which make age guessing harder. We laugh it off and didn’t think about it. A year and ten months isn’t an insane age gap.

After a long time of talking about boundaries, what a relationship looks like, and discovering that we’re both at similar levels of maturity and where we are in our lives school wise; C and I make it official.

I tell my friend, expecting a congratulations but they just started to go off on a tangent about how that someone shouldn’t have gone for me “if they’re almost an adult.” (c is 17, going on 18.) and when I explained it wasn’t even a full 2 year gap, they then went on another tangent about “that’s how they get you.”

But I feel extremely annoyed as they then brought up the last time I dated a friend (first and last boyfriend) they sexually assaulted me, implying that I couldn’t make good romantic decisions and that this would end the same. They barely let me get a word in, I think they were attempting to do the whole “I just want what’s best for you” but I was annoyed that they basically headcannoned one of my best friends and girlfriend as a predator.

It can’t even be spun as C approached me knowing I was younger. We aren’t in a position where the power dynamic is skewed in any direction and she makes me so unbelievably happy

I don’t know what it is but whenever I’m relapsing or in a depressive episode, I seem to become more feminine and stop making an effort to feel like myself because it feels worthless because I’m basically giving up on myself

Namely when I first developed depression, anxiety and an eating disorder I was the most stereotypically feminine person ever. Then as I made recovery I became more masculine, I began to have the emotional energy to dig in to my gender identity.

Now that my mental health is taking a hit, I feel like I’m losing my identity and I feel constantly uncomfortable in my skin but I’m too drained to help myself. The dysphoria I feel only makes it worse.

So I’ve relapsed pretty hard and lost a noticeable amount of weight, I’m by no means thin but I’ve lost a lot of bulk and muscle mass both from injury rehab and bed rest and relapse (rugby career RIP)

This first time we saw each other since I’ve relapsed, we were at a cafe and I ordered a pretty inconspicuous meal in my opinion, a croissant and a black coffee. The whole time we were eating
I could feel them eyeing my food and my body.

Suddenly the conversation turns from regular stuff like vacations and family to how thin they were in 6th grade (mind you we’re high school seniors) and how they were barely eating and how if you hugged them you could feel their ribs. This wasn’t in a way that could open a conversation up to talking about something they were concerned about.

They pulled up photos. Not exactly body checks but photos where they were wearing bathing suits or in tighter dresses

Both of my sisters are just assholes sometimes.

My older sister is an incompetent, willfully helpless person who refuses to do anything by herself and will most likely be living with my parents for years to come. A legal adult who has never had a job, never gotten her license, still doing adult education classes for failing a class. At this point I will be out of the house before she is. Still she acts like the most capable important one “because she’s older.” The woman can even stomach vegetables. All she eats is fried shit and she’s lucky she’s in a country with free healthcare because she will most likely have health issues especially because she refuses any form of support when it comes to having a healthy lifestyle. She refuses to do any modicum of exercise, whether it be walking around or playing sports she refuses

My younger sister is a kid who’s been given everything, therapy, open minded parents, multiple support systems, and yet insists on getting suspensions, spends all her time with her boyfriend, and is failing every class known to mankind. Not to mention she never helps around the house, she’s rude, she’s disrespectful and she’s a slob. I’m so infuriated by her sometimes because she has no clue what human decency is. It’s not staying up on call with her friends in the living room, at 1 am and making me drag you to your room, then LICKING MY HAND and being shocked when I shoved you away in horror. It is not barging in my room and demanding money for god knows what, it is not bringing friends who disrespect our house and behave like actual barbarians and deliberately stressing out our rescue dog by throwing brooms at him.

I genuinely feel like screaming I hate this people

Honestly I don’t know if anyone else has struggled with eating disorders as a butch but it so much harder than when I was fem. I feel like a walking contradiction, or that I’m not actually butch because I struggle with ‘a girly thing’

Now that I’ve embraced my identity and I desperately want to look strong, I feel like my own mind is working against my wants. And it feels like there’s no one like me that has struggled with this, all the representation is just dainty feminine girls. Because I’m no longer that, I feel like I’m out of place.

Relapse has been extremely difficult and I’m dealing with it all by myself, I just hate feeling so alone in this