u/ScythedMirror

If I had the power to shift I would’ve shifted by now.

I’m trying new things and hopefully I come off as somewhat composed and I’ll try my best not to swear. I saw my ex’ on Instagram and I’ve genuinely been losing it the past couple of days. They’re right now in one of my favourite countries with their new lover and it’s killing me because they’re living my life that I listened to, my life that I sacrificed so many days listening to. Whilst I’m here listening to subliminals to live my dream life, they’re there living that life, eating at expensive restaurants, being driven around in nice cars, heck they looked much better now which I didn’t even know was possible, they got another glow up even though they were plenty attractive beforehand! But no, here I am in a country that I didn’t really care for, being driven around in a cramped space, ordering garbage and eating garbage. You know what makes it worse!? I occasionally live a day on the other side, the side of my desires and it actually makes me feel so good. It makes my life feel complete. I don’t care if others think I’m shallow for chasing material things, because there’s another layer of complexity behind it. I feel like I can live on the other side, but those days are so goddamn rare. So goddamn pathetic. Days where people are complimenting me left and right, walking into restaurants with people I actually want to be with, not with my suffocating family, I like them, but I want to go out with people that actually let me have a good time. So no, whilst I’m here “living in the end”, imagining I’m living a life of going into expensive hotels and travelling in luxury whilst surrounded by trash, listening to subliminals religiously with no success, this person manages to steal everything away and live the life I wanted to live. And I goddamn know a lot of people of this post if it even gets some traction at this point, would just pick out on the easy stuff. “It’s instagram, they show-“ shut up! What do you know aside from a couple words on a screen!? How do you know my life from just a snippet of text? I have suffered and went through and still go through events that I don’t even understand! I don’t even process it because it’s so abstractly horrible and even when a semblance of understanding is built around it I’m immediately thrown into another terrible situation that just accumulates! I don’t care if they live my life, that’s good for them, well for them, I genuinely don’t want to drag them down to my level, and I know deep down they’re suffering from their own things. But goddamn am I not allowed to take a break, I goddamn deserve it after all the backstabbing, torture and treachery! These people do nothing to achieve what I want, whilst I listen like a deranged loser to subliminals like “fixes everything instantly!” “your life will change after you listen to this” yeah, for the worse! Goddamn this stupid idea, it’s so pathetic and humiliating and everyone just blames me like I understand okay maybe I need to do some work on my side, I recognise that but when EVERYTHING goes to the WORST PEOPLE, that have completely ANNIHILATED my psyche for 6 YEARS then obviously questions need to be asked! I can’t even hang myself or something because death just forces me back into this reality. Neither here nor there, I’m in an interval of perpetual suffering! It feels like I’m trapped, for the longest time I tried shifting out of here, but I thought maybe I should fix this reality. It can die in a hole! I never want to see this reality again! Nothing works. “Oh because you’re saying nothing works which is affirming-“ SO 6 YEARS OF ME AFFIRMING THAT I’M LIVING MY DREAM LIFE WAS JUST FOR FUN!? Argh I hate this, every time I listen to a subliminal it always backfires gravely or just gives results to someone wicked I can’t handle this crap anymore! Goddamnit i think I’m having a panic attack

Literally just finished Homunculus and it was totally not how I expected it to be. I thought it would be much more slower and solemn.

It’s just something I always thought about because it felt like if someone embodied this mindset, they would go full on delusional. The thing is, I was looking at some cognitive distortions and biases and came across this image and saw that a couple of them overlap with EIYPO.

The main one being “control fallacy”, which directly covers law of assumption. What do you guys think of this? Every time I try bring up something, for example my theory of the glass looking theory, my post gets removed. I just want a discussion honestly.

Tess of the D’urbervilles by Thomas Hardy is my favourite novel due to several reasons, including the setting and slight celestial descriptions, the characters conflict and the time period of the book. I personally like Victorian aesthetics more. Anyways, Tess is such a relatable character because of the relentless suffering she goes through for similar reasons that I did. Her depth, especially considering that Thomas Hardy was writing a character that went against the norms, imo was very well fleshed out. To see someone like her being pushed around and abused by an exploitative society, I understood her a lot. Tess would definitely be one of my favourite characters in novels. I know people here rather ‘scale’ anime or manga, so maybe my next post could tailor towards that.

I WAS SHOWING THE SG REWARDS TO MY BROTHER AND ACCIDENTALLY CLICKED ON THE DAMN PACK ISTG

Holy crap yesterday was genuinely so bad I don’t even have words to express my surprise for the situation I went through

Genuinely ripping my hair out and not type an actual swear, when is the goddamn 100k loyalty pack deal?

Can’t even use basic features in capcut to create subliminals anymore. Stupid idiotic corporates that drain money from every angle I cannot be bothered because there’s always a predatory company or political party trying to drain some sort of money from me. So helpless and bleak every day it’s exploitation and there’s nothing to do. It’s not like this idiotic subliminal was going to help me anyway I’m genuinely impressed by how I haven’t blasted my head off with a shotgun yet. Seriously though I can’t believe the greed but I can’t even muster up to manifest $5

Freedom.

This was originally for the NG sub yesterday but they removed it, idk where to go to ask sorry if I’m annoying. So I just copied and pasted it here.

I’ll try to summarise as much as possible. Last night I was meditating and just stayed fully awake because it dawned on me how pathetic my life is. 1/3 of my life (over 6 years) I’ve been trying (don’t nitpick this word) and all of my effort has mustered up to a single text that didn’t even matter in the end. That has been my overall life experience, and it’s just self degradation atp, affirming that “I am the observer” but the only thing I observe is the slow decomposition of whatever this is. I’ve been through a lot, and even though I feel hatred, frustration, confusion, it all stems from my exhaustion. Like I get it, people with trauma are generally slower with manifestation because of all the inner work, but it’s been 6 years of effort. And I don’t mean rolling in bed, repeating affirmations and going sleep. I mean SATS, reading Neville’s books twice, writing books filled with affirmations, creating my own subliminals, and even doing aggressive methods like sleep deprivation to get into a meditative state better. I’m more of a shifter, but even then everything that I’ve ever done, sacrificing genuinely my everything, for manifestations that go to other people makes me shut up like a clam. I now live with a sullied reputation, which has significantly made my life worse. Like it’s okay, I’m used to it, I’m used to listening to self concept subliminals and then listening to my family insulting me by calling me slow and “third class”. I’m fine with being bullied and used so everyone else has an outlet for their own frustration. I’m used to listening to random manifestation videos by people who’re selling courses to repeat the same advice. But damn, it get’s to a limit you know? I’m not some tragic character in a Shakespeare drama, I’m a real person. A lot of people will definitely comment get therapy, and that was a mistake I made in a different post. I would’ve gotten therapy if I had the chance. But to be quick, 1. Parents would be suspicious, 2. Way too expensive (I’m very poor and live in a crime ridden area), 3. Didn’t even work when I went before. At the very least, I’ve restarting shadow work but I already know everything about myself so writing it out and resurfacing those feelings and thoughts make me disgusted and pitiful. Like, why do I need to do this even after 6 years, whilst I watch my enemies (I don’t have a better word) literally gain the same manifestations that I bled for. Like the realisations were so bad last night that I spent an hour vomiting and wrenching.

Okay I think that’s it for the summary, I honestly don’t know what I’m really asking for, but just want some sort of recommendation that isn’t gaslighting or blame shifting. Normally, even when I’m backed to a corner I at the very least find some sort of exit strategy or find a next step to pursue, but whenever I’m completely disoriented, I literally just don’t know what to do next. I hope you people can infer the exhaustion in my tone rather than indifference or anger, I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Who even approved of repeating ads???? Idc about your product and it pisses me off even more, just let me play my game

I felt really weirded out and uncomfortable for most of the novel which is unusual for me since I’m able to stomach most things (I think). My experience of it may have been inferior since I watched a censored gameplay of it. It’s good, but idk just deeply unsettling. My favourite characters are definitely koji and ryoko tho!