u/SeaConfection88

TW: sexual assault mentioned

(im a 26 yo female. for context)

i just got off the phone with a crisis line but i need to talk about it more. i just cant get it out of my head im shaking still and feel lightheaded. i feel distant. im having a hard time typing this post but idk what to do, or who to talk to.

i was sexually assaulted a few months ago. its still in my head. i havent fully processed what happened and i think part of me is still in denial, thinking it wasnt all that bad or it wasnt actually assault (it was).

i dont have many irl supports. but i did end up reluctantly telling my mom what happened. i dont think she really knew how to respond. it was kinda dismissive for awhile. i also had a weird feeling i havent been able to shake ever since then.... a feeling that something bad mightve happened to her too. there was a weird undertone in the way she spoke and certain words she used or things she mentioned. something felt off.

just a couple hours ago i was talking about my assault again. i was telling her how i think im traumatized, and she kept alluding to the fact that i just need to push forward. but i told her its hard to push forward because i keep having memories of it and they wont stop. it impedes my functioning. i told her im on the waitlist for therapy now, and that hes been reported anonymously to the police because i didnt feel safe making my identity known, so i did it through a third party.

while we were deep into the conversation, she suddenly mentioned that she was badly raped as a teenager. she went to a party and ended up in a guy's house alone where he put something in her drink.

she did not disclose much at all and said she cant talk about it and doesnt like talking about it. i was so shocked and whiplashed by this that my body started going numb and i was beginning to slump over. i had absolutely NO idea such a horrible thing happened to her. she said she never told anybody except for me, her mom (because she had to) and my dad. she said her mom told her to keep quiet, because if her dad found out then he'd kill the guy, and my grandma didnt want grandpa going to prison. she told me the guy never got punished, he still roams around our town to this day. she sees him at the store sometimes. he raped a whole bunch of girls back in the day, and for all we know hes still doing it. she said "its just what happened back then. it happened to a lot of people but theres nothing we could/can do".

i started to feel dizzy as she was talking, but i was masking my emotions. she wouldnt disclose who this person is. i genuinely didnt know how to respond. i still dont know how to process this.

so not only is the guy who assaulted me left to roam around without consequence because im not able to press charges (not enough evidence), my mom's rapist has been roaming around for years and gets to live life free of punishment and i dont even know who this guy is. we live in a small town, so for all i know i couldve walked past him too while at the store. she wont tell me who it is.

im now even more pissed at the fact that my dad has said very insensitive things to my mom, despite knowing she was raped. looking back on it with this new information, i feel enraged. im confused, angry, and depressed. i havent showered in weeks and now i lost all motivation again. i feel bad cuz i need to see her tmrw but i dont feel comfortable. i feel weird and out of my body.