u/SeaConfection88

Was this always a thing? It seems that more and more therapists, without fail, bring up dogs during the very first appointment with a new patient.

I try to set boundaries with that QUICK…. but it can be hard to think of words to use in the moment, and my mind is so pre-occupied with other things.

I finally got my first appt with a counsellor after waiting months. I’ve seen counsellors on and off in the past. While I’m grateful for any kind of help at this point, it’s the same pattern almost every time.

“You’re alone often? Do you have any friends or hobbies? Oh ok, no close friends? What about pets, like a dog? Do you have/would consider getting a dog to help with your issues? Walking a dog everyday can really help your mental—“

NO!!

No, I would NEVER consider getting a dog. Not only are they annoying as fuck and extremely high maintenance, but they cost tons of money and require constant validation. I also just never liked them much.

Can these mental health “professionals” please tell me how exactly I’m supposed to be responsible for a dog when I can’t even shower for months at a time? When I can’t even move my body for days on end? When I can’t even form a coherent thought half the time? When I can’t even work a steady job?

And they’ll say this after I’m honest about my symptoms too. Now days I try to be as honest as possible with therapists. They hear stuff like “can’t move” “can’t take care of myself when in those states” “I’m very sensitive to noise/will go into fight or flight when I hear certain loud noises” and suddenly thinks “DAMN, what this patient needs is a DOG”.

I didn’t snap or anything, but said something like “I was never much of a dog person. I like aquariums though”. She kinda just said “ohhh okay, I wasn’t sure if you had a pup” then I reiterated no, I don’t. Not a big fan of dogs. She said aquariums are beautiful, which was nice.

Luckily she dropped the subject after that and we moved on.

I try to stick firm to my boundaries with any dog discussion and if she happens to bring it up again at the next appointment I intend to be clear about how I do not like dogs, and that discussing dogs is not a good use of my time when I’m trying to explore treatment options for my deteriorating mental health and how to slowly get back on track with my life. Dog discussion is unhelpful.

Not sure if there’s any therapists here who can weigh in on this. I try to make it clear when I feel uncomfortable in therapy, or if something isn’t helping. I oftentimes have trouble advocating for myself. But I’m happy I said something right away to her about not being big on dogs…. and she seemed to get the hint.

I’m in Canada (Manitoba).

So I’ve taken CBD oil under the tongue in the past for maybe a month straight and noticed zero effects…. neither good or bad. The bottle ran out and I just never bought anymore. I think it was an isolate (bought from a local dispensary) so maybe that’s why it didn’t work much.

I started taking it to try and calm my anxiety and hypervigilance.

I switched to making my own weed edibles out of flower that had high THC starting at age 23. So my brain was mostly developed by the time I started taking it semi-regularly.

I don’t mind being high…. But I’m couch locked no matter the strain, even if I inhale it rather than ingesting it like I normally do. I can’t drive while on it, can’t work, can’t really function well, and it doesn’t really help me sleep either (even indica strains). It only helps to temporarily relievethe anxiety/depression/hypervigilance….. but then I’m back to normal once it wears off. It can also backfire and make me paranoid/even more anxious. I’ve noticed it’s making my mood more unstable in the long term…. but that’s anecdotal since I’ve also experienced compounding trauma over the years. THC is not helping me be productive at all 80% of the time. I need to be able to get shit done.

Seeking advice on which form of CBD I should try next. Should I try a different oil, or try some flower that is high CBD/low THC? Gummies? I’ve also seen CBD pills for sale. I’m willing to buy online since my local dispensaries don’t carry many options. All the flower strains they have are high THC.

It’s worth mentioning I’m on a budget but I’m open to trying many options.

I am not on any medications (they never work on me) so I’m not overly worried about anything interacting.

I wanna use what little spare money I have to take care of my body. Eating healthier is always a wise choice. I’m tired of eating the same canned soup and bologna sandwich over and over. I wanna eat something that will fuel me better….. so that I have more energy to actually try and function in SOME way. Currently I do absolutely nothing. I sit and stare at the wall. Zero motivation or care. Haven’t showered in a month. No energy, feel like a brick. My very basic needs are barely being met. This isn’t sustainable. It’s been many years being this way.

I’ve noticed foods with too many preservatives give me migraines or make me angry. They 100% have an effect on my mood. Even just Campbell’s canned cream of mushroom soup has been fucking me up at times. I’ve just been eating minute rice with soy sauce for the last few days, and fried/boiled eggs. That’s all I have left in the cupboard now mostly.

Problem is I don’t have the energy to cook elaborate meals or do elaborate meal prepping. I’ve done the Mediterranean diet before and while I LOVED the food, it required way too much energy from me and thus was unsustainable. I couldn’t keep up with it. It was also expensive. I don’t have the budget for it anymore.

I wanna make it clear that I live in an isolated area with no delivery services/online grocery orders for pickup. Which means I need to physically get my ass in the car and drive 20 mins to the nearest grocery store, do all the shopping myself, then drive back again. There’s no easy way around it. For someone who is in freeze this becomes a monumental task in itself, especially going into winter (I live in Canada).

I need to develop an easy to follow, simple meal plan involving items that are cheap, store/freeze well, and are still nutritious enough. I am fine with freezing bread and meat for months at a time. I’m not currently physically capable of going to the store regularly.

I’m not picky and don’t have any dietary restrictions. I can eat dairy and stuff just fine.

Does anyone have advice or is in a similar situation? I’ve tried searching around online for recipe ideas, but I guess I just need some help consolidating all the info because it’s becoming a jumbled mess in my head.

I could ask ChatGPT but I’m trying to talk to other humans more. I’m tired of AI being my only friend.

Trigger warning: sexual assault

This is gonna sound really jumbled, I apologize. It’s hard to gather my thoughts on it. This happened a few months ago.

I messed up. Yes, it’s not my fault. He chose to assault me. But I saw the red flags a mile away and had a bad gut instinct. I ignored them because I was horribly lonely and in a bad place mentally (he was well aware of this and took advantage of it).

People are saying even tho what he did to me isn’t directly my fault, I still made a dumb decision that I should feel some shame/accountability over. Yes I FUCKING KNOW. I GET IT. I just thought that MAYBE there would be a man for once who isn’t a rapist, who I could trust. But I’m a fucking idiot and trust men way too easily. I was never taught otherwise. I never had a good model of how relationships or human interaction should work. I wasn’t taught safety. I’m stupidly naive at times. I gave him so much of my time. Wasted.

I met this guy online and we talked for about 2 months straight nearly everyday. We didn’t know eachother at all beforehand. We had never even met in person yet.

I don’t have many healthy supports in my life or people to cheer for me or motivate me. I’ve been a lonely isolated person for years. I also never had much male attention growing up, and male validation was something I always struggled with. Most male attention I got was negative, or guys calling me ugly or something. A guy being nice to me was kinda rare.

This guy was giving me attention and acting like he genuinely cared. He wanted to be my therapist, he wanted me to tell him everything, he said he loved me (wtf?) and will always be there for me.

Obvs all this shit was weird. But it gets worse. Idk why I tolerated this bullshit, please no harsh comments I’m already well aware.

He kept saying how he wants kids, how his ex was a “horrible person” or whatever (according to him) because she was pregnant with his child and chose to abort it at 4 months without telling him. Obviously I only got his side of the story. He said he’ll likely never forgive her for killing his child, and he hated women for a long time because of this. He said some other woman tried coming up to him saying a child she had was his, but he got pissed and instantly demanded a paternity test. He said she was just trying to get money out of him. Just these odd stories about his past with women, I’ve noticed.

Okay now clearly I should’ve stopped talking to him. Idk why I kept fucking entertaining this guy at all. He was already showing signs of hatred towards women as a whole. I’m part of the problem of why these abusers even get away with what they do and I hate myself for it…. because no matter how hard I try to better myself and have self-confidence, I go straight backwards.

He told me he’s gonna make me his wife and we’re gonna have children someday.

I told him wait woah woah woah I don’t want children. It’s not something I ever really wanted. This conversation is weird. I’m firm on not wanting children.

IMMEDIATELY he was deeply hurt by this (tf?), and got frustrated with me. He said he was upset because I’d make a great mother, and how my womb is the most precious thing about me. I told him I know myself more than he does…. and that I don’t want children. He told me God knows me more than I know myself, and it could be God’s plan for me to have his children someday. (He knew I was Christian and started using it to manipulate me).

Obviously this was deeply disturbing.

It was already clicking in my head that there’s something wrong with this guy, I should’ve known better. I’m such a fucking dumbass. I’ve been through abuse before and yet still couldn’t pull away from the tactics he was using.

We did have some other things in common like video games I guess. He seemed to drop the children subject. We talked about other stuff.

I ended up inviting him over. (BAD IDEA, VERY STUPID IDEA). I really wanted to visit with somebody and admittedly I was kinda horny. He knew this. We discussed sex being on the table, but I was firm on condom use. If we were to have sex, he would have to use condoms. He seemed to agree. (Spoiler alert: he didn’t use them).

Anyway, to sum it up he raped me. I didn’t know this was called rape or sexual assault, but the therapists and advocates I spoke to told me it was.

I was high during the visit because it helps my crippling anxiety. ANOTHER BAD IDEA. DONT DO THIS.

He knew right away that I was high, and he also knew I wasn’t on birth control. Idk WHY I told him that. I just feel so much shame and stupidity over this in retrospect. When I’ve told guys I’m not on birth control, they see it as a challenge to try and impregnate me or something. I should’ve known this. I thought maybe he’d be different. He wasn’t. He did bring a brand new box of condoms with him. But he didn’t use them.

I invited him into my room to watch me play a game, to which he agreed. I wasn’t even thinking about sex at this point anymore really…. any horniness in my body was the weed talking.

I wanna mention that when this guy first pulled up to my house, I felt instant regret and wanted him to leave (this was our first time meeting). I had a bad gut feeling and something switched in my brain. But he drove 5 hours to see me, I didn’t want to be “rude” and he has a history of violence….. so I started people pleasing (it’s a trauma response I have when I know I can’t win in a fight against a man if he decides to start strangling/beating me) instead and invited him in….. because I didn’t know what to do. I had no one to call. I felt scared. Something about him didn’t seem right.

While we were in my room playing the game, he immediately asked if he could play with my boobs. I felt really uncomfortable. This guy was DISGUSTING in person.

I really should’ve told him to leave, but I didn’t wanna risk him possibly beating me since I live alone in the middle of nowhere.

I kept excusing myself to the bathroom because I felt unsafe, but I didn’t wanna call the cops in case he could hear me through the door. He has a bad history with cops and hates them/mentioned knowing some people in jail. It would take cops a long time to get here and he’d likely wonder what was going on.

He was the same guy I spoke to online, but his voice seemed different irl compared to how he spoke over the phone. He looked similar to his pics tho and we video chatted briefly once, it was the same guy.

But he acted really disgusting in person. He smelled bad, he looked bad (no offense, like he didn’t try at ALL), and he thought farting constantly was hilarious. He acted like a 10 year old. He immediately started farting nonstop thinking it was the funniest thing ever. I was visibly grossed out and the smell was so fucking bad I wanted to throw up. His behaviour was absolutely nasty. He intentionally acted disgusting thinking it was funny. Wtaf?????

While I was playing the game in my room, he kept farting in my bed. My room smelled like total ass. I was actually getting fucking mad but I didn’t know what to do. I was worried if I kicked him out he would snap and try to beat me. Unfortunately I know how these types of guys work.

When he asked to touch my boobs I was visibly uncomfortable/unsure. But he just kept asking and coercing me into it. It was a few minutes straight of me going “ummmm….” While trying to play the game. Eventually I just kinda said “uhhh sure I guess….” And as soon as he touched them my body went stiff and rigid, but he didn’t seem to care and just kept going.

Eventually this lead to him sticking his hand down my pants and fingering me very roughly. I tried to move his hand in a way that felt better, but he didn’t care/wouldn’t take the hint. My body was aroused due to the physical stimulation obviously, but I wasn’t mentally all there and didn’t wanna be part of it anymore so I think I dissociated.

I just remember my “parts” going dry from his nonstop rough fingering….. and my body couldn’t move since I was so high my limbs were heavy and I could barely talk (edibles). He would not stop. In an attempt to get me wet again he grabbed some highly scented body lotion off my night table, slathered his fingers in it then shoved them back inside me roughly. It started burning and I hated every part of it. I’m lucky I didn’t get an infection from that alone.

He couldn’t get hard at all for whatever reason. He kept saying it was too cold in the room and he couldn’t get it up. I started falling asleep laying there rigid as he kept jerking himself off, but nothing was happening. I just kept laying there.

He couldn’t get hard enough to put a condom on so he just grabbed me, pinned me down and put it in me with no condom. He was able to get hard enough for penetration to happen.

I kept saying “what are you doing, this is risky” to which he said “hell yeah it is”. I started dissociating more and freezing up because he wouldn’t get off me to put a condom on. I told him what are you doing, I’m not on birth control. I can’t risk pregnancy. I also just don’t wanna risk getting STI/STDs.

He just kept going and I couldn’t move. Eventually I just said “um, well I guess precum isn’t enough to get someone pregnant, right?” Because I was scared.

He just said “oh, you’d be surprised” and had this weird smile on his face.

The entire time he had this weird kinda creepy-ish smile on his face and it weirded me out.

I felt like crying but I just spaced out until he eventually got off. He did not finish inside. But there was still lots of precum that got inside.

My brain felt really confused after and my body wouldn’t move. He fell asleep next to me in my bed and I just stayed awake for hours straight in a frozen state. I wanted him to leave but I couldn’t speak or do anything and didn’t know who to call or what to do.

He left early the next morning and I immediately started scrambling once the body high began lifting. I ended up calling my mom (I did NOT want to do this, she is not okay with Plan B) but I had no one else to get it for me. I had no vehicle at the time and was in the middle of nowhere. I had to tell my mom through tears that I need Plan B right now and to come right now, that I’ll pay her back just please get me Plan B.

Thankfully she got some (begrudgingly) but I didn’t care about her judgment at the time. I just didn’t want to risk pregnancy. I was so terrified.

I told that fucking asshole afterwards how I felt over text (after he left) and he blamed it on his autism saying that I need to be very direct with him, and how sometimes he’s just a “stupid, silly guy”.

I blocked him on everything a few days later and ended up getting in touch with a non-profit organization that does third party sexual assault reports. I filed the police report through them. I didn’t want him to know I filed in case he decided to come back and get revenge. I also showered the very next day so I didn’t have any physical evidence of it happening. I’ve seen how hard it is to prove sexual assault cases in court…. I didn’t wanna go through the trauma of it all only for me to be told I am the problem, and the rapist gets off free. It happens all the time.

But he’s in the police system now atleast. If they notice any other patterns/occurrences with this person, then they’ll contact my third party advocate and that person will then contact me if I want to speak with police.

I suppose this was a lesson learned. Honestly, I don’t want anything to do with men anymore.

TW: mentions of rape/pedophilia/suicidal stuff.

I was raped a few months ago. I disclosed this to my mom eventually. She didn’t say too much.

She then told me that she herself was raped. How my cousin was raped. How this person we both know (who’s my age) was raped.

Obviously this all deeply bothered me and further traumatized me. But I was mostly bothered by what she said about herself.

She said when she was a teenager she was badly raped by a guy who put something in her drink. I’m not sure how much older he was than her. Apparently he’s done this same tactic to many teenage girls, and he still walks free. Nothing ever happened to him. She had panic attacks for years afterwards. I knew about her panic attacks, but thought it was from something else. No, it was because of the rape. She never got therapy for it because she doesn’t believe in mental illness or therapy I guess and she was so traumatized by it she never wanted to talk about it again.

She said she basically just had to forgive her rapist because she still sees him out and about at the store sometimes (we live in a small town). She WILL NOT tell me who he is.

I feel scared and confused. She said the only people who know about her rape are me, her own mother (because she had to) and my dad. She said she never told her dad (my grandpa) because he would’ve killed the guy, and she didn’t want her dad going to prison. Her dad is dead now.

I’m really concerned about who this person is. And the fact that he is a serial rapist makes it even worse. She won’t tell me who it is. I live in a tiny town and have probably ran into him without even knowing.

I wanna leave my situation. I don’t feel safe here anymore. My dad knows about her rape, yet he still thinks it’s funny to talk about women in an awful way and make perverted jokes about them, especially younger ones. My dad also defended a known pedophile in our town (who was convicted, same guy who raped my cousin) saying something like “didn’t he only do stuff to teenagers? That’s not that bad”. I feel fucking sick to my stomach.

I’m not trying to play the blame game, but I’ve had dreams in the past (years ago) of my dad touching me inappropriately, and me getting so scared I ran away. I’ve had a couple dreams like this. But I truly don’t remember anything like that happening, and I have no evidence to back it up. My mom always got weirdly defensive too over me wearing tops that were revealing, especially around my dad for some reason. I’m almost 27 and she still gets this way. It could just be her own personal issues, idk.

When I was 16, I was watching tv on the couch and my mom randomly came up to me saying something like “you’re such a lazy slut”. I did nothing to warrant her saying that. Idk why she even said that. Now in retrospect, that’s probably what her own mother said to her around that age. I’m 100% positive when my grandma found out about my mom’s rape, she would’ve called her a slut or a whore. My grandma loves using those terms. She is miserable.

My dad is also friends with a guy who dated a much younger girl. This same guy randomly liked one of my selfies on social media (no idea how he found it, I don’t know this person well). When I mentioned this to my dad, he just said “yeah, maybe stop posting pics of yourself online then”.

Anyways, my brain can’t stop thinking about who the rapist is. What if it’s someone related to me? What if it’s actually my dad? I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t function at all. My head feels like a mess. Idk if it’s just because I’m still traumatized from everything that’s happened to me….. I truly can’t process any of this. I was told by somebody that usually with stuff like this, it means the rapist is a family member but they don’t wanna tell anybody. Is that true? Idk if she’s just being secretive cuz she doesn’t wanna reveal too much since it happened so long ago….. But it’s bothering the living shit out of me.

I live with them currently due to financial reasons. My disability stops me from sustaining gainful employment. I have no idea what to do.

I have nobody. I don’t have friends. I don’t have a community. I find it hard to socialize and sustain relationships. Everyone leaves, even when I try my best. I’m a damaged person and most people don’t wanna be around that.

What the fuck do I do??? I’ve been hiding in my room as usual. But this isn’t a life. I feel like I know too much. Something isn’t adding up. And I still haven’t processed my own rape. It takes so long to get therapy where I am. I have zero supports.

I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth in like, a month. The longest I usually go in depressive episodes is about 3 months straight. I’m incapable of functioning half the time. Doctors don’t care about me either. I’ve tried to advocate for myself and they just don’t give a shit. I wrestle with suicidal thoughts nearly everyday.

I’ve been hospitalized twice in the past for it, last time was a few months ago. I don’t wanna go back there. I can’t move my body most the time, I’m glued to a bed. I’m dissociated a lot. It’s part of why I got raped in the first place. I have no energy to fight. I just freeze up and disappear mentally.

Hi! I'm a 26 yr old woman who lives in the boreal forest in Canada. I primarily act as the caretaker for a secondary home that my parents own.

This home has a nice stove (unsure of exact brand). I'm the one who is usually on woodstove duty, I'm here alone most the time.

My question is if theres any way to keep this thing burning while i sleep? besides using big hardwood logs? im assuming theres no real answer for this, but thought id ask anyway. most the trees here are spruce so thats mainly what we burn. obviously it burns very fast.... and because this house is huge, and with how cold it gets in the winter.... its not very efficient. for years now ive just been cold starting it every morning, which kinda sucks. it goes through wood FAST even with the damper closed.

The woodstove isnt our only heat source. we have in-floor heat and baseboard heaters. but we try to save money on the power bill as much as possible since its unaffordable otherwise (we keep the heat turned way down).

For years ive been asking my dad if we can get some hardwood. he insists we dont need it. theres not much i can do since its his house in the end. i was gonna buy a load of poplar/birch myself, but he said no and that its a waste of money when we already have spruce everywhere. there is a large birch/poplar area 40-50 minute drive from here, but im not confident enough to take a chainsaw and go cut down the wood myself. i think i need a permit also.

Is there any way i can make my life easier, not having to cold start this damn thing every single winter morning? it wastes time and takes hours for it to heat up again. im mostly home all day so its not a huge deal... but i have other chores and stuff id rather be doing. i dont mind having to put more spruce logs in every couple hours during the day, that part is fine. i like running the woodstove. but man cold starting daily gets tiresome. if i were to keep it running through the night, id have to wake up every 2 hours.

I used to love going to this drive-in theatre for the experience/food (they have great food & snacks) and to support a local business. But now they explicitly advertise that they’re pet friendly and that “fur babies” or “furry family members” are welcome.

Yes, everyone is in their own vehicle and essentially has their own “space”. But that doesn’t stop the average dumbass dog owner from letting their pets roam around, shit everywhere (not pick up after them, of course) or just let their dogs bark.

I was watching the movie when suddenly I hear barking, my vehicle couldn’t filter out the noise even when turning the volume way up.

Why is this shit even allowed?? I guess they think it’ll drum up more business from nutters. It doesn’t seem worth it at all.

I can’t handle this anymore, dogs are literally everywhere 😭

I searched around but couldn’t find much on this topic.

I have visceral reactions to barking. I really try my best to work on my trauma responses, but the way my autistic brain interprets the noise (it feels like I’m being physically stabbed over and over, and I jump a lot) is utterly exhausting and causes so much adrenaline to flood my system.

I understand a lot of things are simply out of my control, and the world shouldn’t pander to my problems.

Here’s the thing. Barking is a god awful noise in general. There is zero reason for it to be tolerated in the sense it is today. I understand I’m biased since I was born a very sensitive person to begin with…. But it’s to the point where I need to wear noise cancelling headphones with music blasting, just to enjoy going outside. Sometimes I can hear the barking from inside my home, with all the windows closed.

This is beyond frustrating and annoying. It doesn’t matter how much exposure therapy I do. It doesn’t matter how many breathing or grounding exercises I do, mindfulness, reframing my thoughts. When my brain/body hears the noise, it’s an INSTANT adrenaline surge. It feels like I’m vibrating with anxiety/panic. My limbs start to go numb, I get tunnel vision, racing heart, among other things. It can take many hours to calm down.

The only thing that works is being stoned out of my godamn mind. But then I can’t even function when I’m like that.

Does anyone else have this problem/these reactions? I feel incredibly alone and alienated. It controls my life and I’m getting annoyed because it seems EVERYBODY owns a dog, or multiple dogs.

I moved out to the middle of nowhere just to avoid hearing barking. But then a bunch of neighbours moved in down the road…. of course, with dogs. Thankfully they don’t bark 24/7….. but one of them is a tiny rat dog, and once that thing starts up, it’s the most awful sound in existence. It sounds like it’s screaming, and the barking is high pitched which makes it even worse. Then the other ones start up and it’s a cacophony of barking in a place that is supposed to be PEACEFUL.

Also wanna mention that not only is the barking annoying, but I can no longer go for walks due to dogs chasing me. Some of the dogs are flat out aggressive. They will chase, bark, and bite at your heels the entire time. There’s no one to enforce the bylaws here, so it’s basically the wild west. Anything goes. And because the barking isn’t constant, I can’t report it, and no one cares enough to do anything about it regardless. Not being able to go for a walk hurts my mental health even more. I need to drive somewhere else to go walk…. but even then I’ll encounter an annoying dog owner at times with an unruly, untrained animal.

I’m sick and tired of dogs & their shitty owners being EVERYWHERE. I just wanna go somewhere where I’ll never hear barking again, never have to worry about a dog running up barking at me, jumping on me, lunging at me, and sniffing my crotch.

I become so overwhelmed sometimes that I have a meltdown and cry for hours. It’s unreasonable, yes, but even though I’m disabled, I still deserve to live in this world. A human’s life is more important than a dog.

i feel like im being gaslit every second of my life. i just see life differently than others. ive never harmed anybody.

and because im a woman, everyone just writes me off as "unstable" for having basic human reactions to things. what the fuck is going on? why cant people have some compassion? everyone leaves me or passes me off onto these psycho doctors. im not a dangerous person. i try to make friends with others but they all just leave me in the end. i dont fully understand what im doing wrong.

its a lonely life.

trigger warning: mentions of intense disturbing violent thoughts/impulses

i have no one safe to talk to about these things, which is why i post a lot.

im certain i was overdosed on zoloft. these dont seem like normal side effects. within 2 days of starting the meds, i got side effects. once i was discharged from the hospital, i went off the meds cold turkey after a week or so of taking them. even tho i was only on them for maybe 2 weeks total, i still got withdrawal symptoms. i was in too bad of a headspace to properly advocate for myself... so the psychiatrist essentially just did whatever he felt like. he put me on 50 mg right off the bat, then after 2 days he upped the dose to 100 mg and kept it there. i was also on trazodone 50 mg, but i think it was mostly the zoloft causing all this, since it got worse after the dose was turned up to 100 mg. of course he didn't lower the dose and they all kept telling me the side effects will go away soon but they only got worse.

i felt confused, disoriented, and so agitated that i was throwing myself against the wall trying to bruise up my shoulder and arm. my skin was burning. i was growling and pacing back and forth. i couldnt sleep or eat or think straight. i started having urges to rip my eyeballs out and eat them, among other disturbing sick shit that kept coming into my mind as impulses. my mind wasnt there anymore, and i just had to fucking suffer through this all alone with no support for a week. i was writhing in bed freaking out. my family mostly treated me as an inconvenience and i dont have friends. i was starting to make plans to act out on the rage. i didnt care anymore if i went to prison for life.

im fucking traumatized and dont know what happened. im a 26 year old woman. ive never experienced mania or psychosis or unusually high energy. i mostly just suffer from extremely severe depression/anxiety/suicidality, among other things. but ive always had some slight rage issues due to pent up stress, mental/emotional abuse and repeated traumatic events.

i just feel so upset now. i dont have much of a life. everyone else my age is doing something, or they have jobs/careers and went to school. i feel like a vegetable half the time. i feel so dehumanized. no one listens to me. i dont know what happened to me that reduced me to a rabid animal that wants to rip out her own eyeballs. i want to cry. im so unbelievably sad. i dont know how to express it in words. its so so scary. why does nobody talk about this?? i genuinely wanted to seek help and already entered the ward in a vulnerable state. then things got worse and worse. it also completely killed my ability to feel any sexual pleasure within days of taking it. my clitoris was literally numb. i felt horrible. these are mind bending brain damaging drugs. i feel so demoralized and just wanna stay in bed with my plushies and watch spongebob all day. im tired of dealing with stuff so i age regress.

time and time again throughout the years ive suffered greatly mentally and tried to get "help". it doesnt work. they dont care. i fucking hate when normies tell people this shit, instead of just being a listening ear or a support. i try my best to manage on my own.... yet people still leave me in the end. it all feels fucking pointless. then people say i shouldnt be mad. of course im gonna be mad. this is beyond frustrating. people dont care about you. they want you to go talk to a "professional" who will ruin your godamn life.

This has very likely been discussed before. It seems BPD is the hot new diagnosis for women especially. They’ve tried to diagnose me with it multiple times.

Yes, I do show some symptoms of it. However, this is a highly stigmatized disorder and they can’t just be diagnosing people left and right with it. Being diagnosed with it can make everyone leave you/avoid you if they find out.

And if it’s not BPD, then they try to diagnose bipolar, despite the patient never experiencing high energy, a manic episode, or psychosis.

Obviously a lot of these doctors see a woman who is “too emotional” (really just expressing normal human reactions to bad life events or trauma) and automatically think “she must be hysterical!”

This shit is so goofy 😭

Please read entire post before judging.

I’m in the process of applying for disability here in Canada through my province’s welfare disability program (for people who have a condition that is expected to last over a year, which prevents them from keeping regular employment). I’m not seeking permanent disability right now. I just need help in the meantime because I’m not functioning AT ALL and can’t find a solution. I’m already on welfare, but they’re gonna make me do the work requirements soon since I’m not in the disability category currently. I’m in Manitoba, if that helps at all or if anybody has any advice. I can barely move my body and I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth in a month. The longest I’ve gone was 3 months straight, on a couple separate occasions. I rarely leave the house, which means I just starve half the time since there’s no grocery or food delivery services in my area. I’m saying this to illustrate how bad it can get. I’m stuck to a bed most of the time or pacing in circles staring at the wall when the thoughts get too dark. But at the same time I can’t do anything more strenuous than pacing. I feel braindead.

The caveat is that in order to receive disability benefits, I have to prove I have sought/am seeking treatment. The only treatment they seem to consider “legit” is taking meds, of course. I’m posting in this sub because I feel people might understand more, rather than the typical mob repeating that I need to take medication if I want to get better.

I DO NOT want to take anymore meds. I’m not on anything right now. The last time I was on meds (which was quite recently, when I was hospitalized in the psych unit) this crazy power-tripping psychiatrist (who was extremely rude to me overall) overdosed me on Zoloft through coercive consent, despite my concerns. My skin was burning, my mind felt like it was fragmenting, I couldn’t function anymore (worse than usual) and I felt indescribable rage and was making plans to act on said rage (I won’t go into detail). Of course they didn’t take me seriously. I went off the meds on my own cold turkey once I was discharged, because I was obviously terrified and scared of what was happening to me. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. Then I got withdrawal symptoms, after only taking them for a week or so. This whole experience was traumatizing, and I went through it mostly alone. This was on top of already being through multiple traumas beforehand. I became even more unstable during the withdrawal, which lasted for about a week.

Ever since then, my brain doesn’t quite feel the same. Something feels kinda off. I never wanted this.

Doctors tell me that I need to be on these meds for atleast 8 weeks at a therapeutic prescribed dose, before I can claim they aren’t working. I don’t want to be on these meds at all. The side effects are never worth it and I just feel like shit all the time. They never do anything. Before they said 4 weeks, now they say 8 weeks. So I’m just supposed to feel intense rage and bang my head against the wall while pacing back and forth like an agitated tiger for 8 weeks straight? What a load of shit. My psychiatrist won’t fill out the disability assessment form, so I’m trying to find another doctor who will. When I told him how my functional/cognitive impairment stops me from keeping gainful employment and that the meds scare me, he’d just roll his eyes (literally).

I’m not saying I’m refusing all treatments. I just don’t wanna take their medications. I wonder if there’s any way around this. I need help badly and I genuinely cannot sustain employment no matter how hard I try.

For context: my mental disorders stop me from having any motivation or doing extremely basic everyday tasks. I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth in a month, my body doesn’t move much anymore, dishes are piled up, my space is a mess, laundry piled up, and I have no will to live most days. Even when I did go to work in the past, I didn’t shower or eat or take care of myself much despite being around others. I suffer greatly and people don’t deserve to be around someone who can’t even take care of themselves. I’ve tried having many different jobs in the past, but nothing ever stuck past 3 years. I’m tired of being chronically broke and hungry and having unstable housing situations. I am not lazy. I am not useless. I genuinely do not have the functional or cognitive capabilities to keep a sustained income. I genuinely need help. I do not have many supports I can rely on. All my friends left. My parents mostly think I’m lazy and useless, even though I’m trying my best and spend so many hours of my time just trying to figure out how I can improve, but legitimately nothing works. I’ve been dealing with this for 10 years now. I do a lot of self-help, but that doesn’t fundamentally fix the issue. Being broke all the time isn’t exactly helping. I’m on the waitlist for province funded counselling, but it can take months to receive a call back. I’ve been hospitalized twice. Please no comments saying “your lifestyle is MAKING you depressed”. Even when I’m showered and fed, I feel depressed. It’s something wrong with my brain itself and probably due to repeated trauma. I’ve made genuine su*cide plans in the past and attempted once already. I’m just trying to stay alive without my brain attacking itself. I’m currently living with my parents, but I can tell they don’t want me here anymore. I don’t have any true friends I can rely on. I’m a very lonely person. I thought the government is supposed to help take care of the disabled? I’m a 26 year old woman who never wanted to be this way. I’m trying everything that I can to help myself, but sometimes my body decides to lay on the bed or on the floor for hours with no movement. I barely cry anymore these days, but I tear up often thinking about how I used to be more normal in the past. I had life plans and goals and everything. I never wanted this. I didn’t choose this. Now everyone thinks I’m weird and “crazy”. It’s isolating. The last time I felt somewhat normal was when I was 15 or 16. So a decade of feeling this way. It truly kicked in once I was 16, and I was never the same after that.

Not seeking advice on what to do. Just interested in hearing opinions on this.

Recently i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (also known as clinical depression), among other things. For years i could not figure out why i could never shower, never take care of myself, never hold down a job longterm, severe fatigue, major troubles sleeping, couldnt get out of bed no matter how hard i tried, and other things i dont feel comfortable mentioning here.

I'm a 26 year old woman. For most of my young adult life, ive been living in a house that my parents own. they dont live here fulltime, but i do. i live alone here usually. during most of this time, i was never able to help much via paying rent or bills due to complete deterioration of my mental health which stops me from keeping a steady income. its not that i dont want to live on my own, or that im lazy. i genuinely have severe mental health problems that stop me from working or caring for my basic needs, and its incredibly hard to get disability benefits if mental illness is your only problem. ive tried working many different jobs over the years.

i feel shame because of this. i feel like a loser. i really do try to help myself, but i keep relapsing into depressive episodes and medication doesnt help me. its out of my control. i spend so many hours constantly searching for new therapies, ways to improve my life, ways to help my brain function, etc. finding ways to improve IS my fulltime, unpaid job. i genuinely am at a loss of what to do. i try to advocate for myself with doctors, but many of them just dont care. i want to get better, but it seems hopeless.

Because of this, im not able to regularly afford food for myself, let alone leave the house to go shopping (i live in the middle of nowhere which makes it harder). theres no food delivery services here or anything. i do get a small amount of money each month from welfare, but its not enough to live on obviously. and it will be cut off soon if i cant prove that im disabled (doctors are hesitant to fill out the disability form if mental illness is your only issue, even if it does significantly impact your ability to work and do basic tasks).

So anyway, im used to not showering for weeks or months on end. im used to not brushing my teeth for weeks straight. im used to just looking and feeling like shit at all times, through no fault of my own. im used to being broke all the time. its just part of the life i live with these stupid disorders. i never used to be this way.

when i tell people that i just starve sometimes because i dont have any groceries, they act shocked and confused because theyre wondering why my parents wont buy me any food. the thing is, my mom does buy me groceries sometimes, but obviously i run out in between and just go without during that time since im stuck in bed and cant leave the house, and the only way to get food here is to drive 20 mins and get it yourself. i just assumed it was normal to be on your own once it comes to feeding yourself as an adult? i thought it was entitled to ask for food, if youre already living under your parents roof.

they said that because im sick and suffering, the least my parents can do is buy me groceries so that i can eat regularly. i think that would be an entitled ask, especially since theyve been dealing with their adult kid essentially having "special needs" and i dont think they were prepared for that. they thought i was going to be normal. ive also been living rent free.

theres many times where i had no food (or even safe drinking water) so i just laid in bed with severe stomach pains and prayed for God to please give me some food, or let me die, if thats what He wants for me. i genuinely was desperate and had no one to call, no one to ask, and couldnt move my body because i was out of energy. i gave what little money i had around that time to my parents, so they could pay the utility bills etc. i didnt have anything leftover for food.

is this not just the average adult human experience if youre broke? im not sure why people act shocked or confused that my parents wont help me much. they say that its the bare minimum to help your sick kid and feed them. but as an adult, aren't they not legally required to provide for me anymore? theyre already letting me live in a house that they own and (begrudgingly) are letting me not pay rent due to my issues. although obviously they arent happy with this, and are ashamed of me.

both my parents dont eat much, so they arent thinking about food very often. therefore its even harder for them to think about buying food, especially for adult kids. my mom never liked cooking, and my dad doesnt know how to cook at all. he doesnt go grocery shopping because he hates it.

sometimes my mom will say "you dont need that much food" when i finally get to eat a small meal after starving for a week straight and my stomach is beginning to look caved in.

i kinda just thought eating 3 meals a day was a thing in movies. maybe its part of why im exhausted all the time, cuz i never eat anything. and when i do eat, its never anything nutritious since the food my mom buys is mostly junk food. i grew up eating whatever, since my mom like i said didn't like buying groceries or cooking and made it seem like a huge deal everytime so i just stopped asking.

my mom has said that she doesnt want to buy groceries forever. shes tired of it.

i just dont know why ppl act shocked by this? am i missing something? or am i actually being treated shitty? they say even though im an adult, im still their daughter. id rather starve than ask my parents for food.

TW: sexual assault mentioned

(im a 26 yo female. for context)

i just got off the phone with a crisis line but i need to talk about it more. i just cant get it out of my head im shaking still and feel lightheaded. i feel distant. im having a hard time typing this post but idk what to do, or who to talk to.

i was sexually assaulted a few months ago. its still in my head. i havent fully processed what happened and i think part of me is still in denial, thinking it wasnt all that bad or it wasnt actually assault (it was).

i dont have many irl supports. but i did end up reluctantly telling my mom what happened. i dont think she really knew how to respond. it was kinda dismissive for awhile. i also had a weird feeling i havent been able to shake ever since then.... a feeling that something bad mightve happened to her too. there was a weird undertone in the way she spoke and certain words she used or things she mentioned. something felt off.

just a couple hours ago i was talking about my assault again. i was telling her how i think im traumatized, and she kept alluding to the fact that i just need to push forward. but i told her its hard to push forward because i keep having memories of it and they wont stop. it impedes my functioning. i told her im on the waitlist for therapy now, and that hes been reported anonymously to the police because i didnt feel safe making my identity known, so i did it through a third party.

while we were deep into the conversation, she suddenly mentioned that she was badly raped as a teenager. she went to a party and ended up in a guy's house alone where he put something in her drink.

she did not disclose much at all and said she cant talk about it and doesnt like talking about it. i was so shocked and whiplashed by this that my body started going numb and i was beginning to slump over. i had absolutely NO idea such a horrible thing happened to her. she said she never told anybody except for me, her mom (because she had to) and my dad. she said her mom told her to keep quiet, because if her dad found out then he'd kill the guy, and my grandma didnt want grandpa going to prison. she told me the guy never got punished, he still roams around our town to this day. she sees him at the store sometimes. he raped a whole bunch of girls back in the day, and for all we know hes still doing it. she said "its just what happened back then. it happened to a lot of people but theres nothing we could/can do".

i started to feel dizzy as she was talking, but i was masking my emotions. she wouldnt disclose who this person is. i genuinely didnt know how to respond. i still dont know how to process this.

so not only is the guy who assaulted me left to roam around without consequence because im not able to press charges (not enough evidence), my mom's rapist has been roaming around for years and gets to live life free of punishment and i dont even know who this guy is. we live in a small town, so for all i know i couldve walked past him too while at the store. she wont tell me who it is.

im now even more pissed at the fact that my dad has said very insensitive things to my mom, despite knowing she was raped. looking back on it with this new information, i feel enraged. im confused, angry, and depressed. i havent showered in weeks and now i lost all motivation again. i feel bad cuz i need to see her tmrw but i dont feel comfortable. i feel weird and out of my body.