u/SilentNegotiation613

I haven’t spoken to my dad in about 4 years after putting up boundaries a couple years after my daughter was born. My mother is a more recent situation where I tried to enforce boundaries and they were constantly pushed or disrespected. My brother is 18 I’m 32 for context. Since he was born I was always with him, he’d spend the night when they were away and regularly pick him up to hang out, sometimes it felt like he was really my first child.

Now when I first stopped seeing my dad he didn’t want my brother to come over because I would “influence him”. That was so far from the truth and also comical given my mom regularly dumps her feelings about me on my brother and shows him any text exchange we have. Unfortunately the older he gets the more he seems to take on her emotional load. He used to get it saying our dad is mean and even though he didn’t understand my mother’s roll in being compliant he generally would come to me if anything really unneeded happened.

My grandmother died almost two years ago(mom’s mom) who was basically our actual normal functioning adult mother. I moved in with her at 16 and he was planning to do so as well but unfortunately that didn’t happened. He was definitely resentful telling our mother it’s not fair I got to live here with her and he didn’t, and not fair he never even got to meet our grandfather. I’m sure he felt his last door out close but it was still a big thing to process on top of grief. I feel like that was really the finally nail in the coffin and he will hardly even answer my texts anymore. He’ll say I’m too harsh on mom and she feels like a bad mom. I mean honestly I don’t have sympathy for her at all, which he definitely picks up on.

I try not to think about it too much I have a daughter now and she’s obviously my main focus but as close as we were it’s so disappointing especially because they’ve essentially exiled me bashing my choices to anyone who will listen. The family member I supported the most is also on the outs. It’s to the point where he had walked me down the aisle at my wedding but now he didn’t even tell me about prom, our mother sent me a message which I think is more hurtful than not even being included. We already have another sister who cut off our parents before me and we haven’t spoken in years and it seems like he’s coming up next.

It’s a fine line between begging for the relationship and harassment at this point. He will have some point where he’s talking to me consistently but it definitely coincides with how upset our mom is so I’m assuming given the last months were Easter, Mother’s Day, and my grandmothers birthday she’s probably wallowing in her issues extra. While I don’t want to give up it’s tough when a teenager especially who you’ve done so much for is shutting you out because of brainwashing and gaslighting tactics.

My husband says to wait until he moves out but I think he’s too far gone. If anyone else has had a sibling as collateral damage how did you process it and do you still reach out how you always had?

I was raised Roman Catholic and then my mom married a southern Baptist when I was younger. When I got older I realized most of each religion isn’t about being the best it’s more judgment, control, and hypocrisy more than anything else. I have a half brother(18 I’m 32) who has always been very neutral generally. He’s always dealt with the same guilt from our Baptist grandmother about choices we make, and god not like us for being disrespectful (and in his case gay). Over the last couple of years I’ve become estranged from my family due to having a child and not wanting to feed into the toxic environment anymore. I also just generally was hanging breakdowns from the mental gymnastics, and gaslighting. Unfortunately this left my brother to defend himself, and while he mostly does, he’s recently gotten into bible study. The issue is I’ve always tried to maintain our relationship but now that he’s falling into the same lack of accountability, pass everything onto god mentality idk if I can do it anymore. The self entitlement and attitude that has come from them was always too much to deal with and now it seems because I wasn’t there as a buffer they fully got to him. It’s so disappointing to see him turn over to this type of mentality and further reinforces my thinking that they’re controlling and manipulative. As soon as the one person with a different perspective was out of the picture they used that time to really hone in on his insecurities. The worst part is my mother is fully against how they carry themselves, but her being the martyr that I always am “abusing” she’s going to take this opportunity to separate him from my influence all together. So much for “they’re word” bringing people together

So I’m going to start by saying we’ve ready the body safety book with her and openly discussed this all since she was old enough to understand.
Today there was an event at my daughter’s school. On the way in she was telling me she has a boyfriend (she’s 6 in first grade). Okay fine crushes are normal but then she says it’s an eighth grader. I asked if he knew this, he does not so I drop it.
When we get to the school she’s running around playing with friends and I do have to correct personal space quite a bit. At one point her and a few other friends were off in a corner and I looked over and my daughter was laying on one of the other girls. Now she gets off and immediately looks in my direction to see if I’m paying attention. When we got home I asked her about it and she got very upset right off the bat. Said she doesn’t know what game they were playing, the girl told her to do it and eventually said something about being a dolphin. She then essentially said she doesn’t want to talk about this anymore and ended the conversation refusing to talk about anything further.
I want to add a couple of things for important background. Myself and my husband both have had things happen to us in childhood. We’ve done our best to push our comfort zone and discuss body safety without scaring her completely. Although I do admit it’s hard and leaves me feeling anxious internally. Also last year her uncle(7) cornered her and told her to kiss him and she did and also pulled out his private to pee and told her and her younger cousin to look. I guess he’s also locked her cousin in a bathroom before and a few other inappropriate instances. She said she did things because he told her too and he has been very aggressive in the past so she may have been nervous idk. It was really unnerving to witness especially considering all the open conversation we’ve had.
Now I didn’t see anything else happening and I don’t know if this is my imagination getting away from me because of my background and what happened last year. I’m trying to reinforce what we’ve talked about without making her think I’m made but it’s just so hard to not freak out and let my mind wonder to the worst possible situation.
I really need advice on how to move forward without scaring my daughter or making her not want to come to me to talk about things happening. I also get scared because kids have so much access these days and you never know what someone else’s home allows. Although I understand I can’t be there every second of the day to supervise, I think that’s where my main concern comes from. Unsure if this is an age thing or an impulse control thing and I can’t talk myself off the ledge right now so I’m coming here. Any advice is welcome and appreciated even if it’s telling me to chill tf out.

I recently got diagnosed, obviously per the title. This comes after beginning the process of my daughter getting tested as well. Now once getting diagnosed I had a range of emotions. I cried when they read the results which I was not expecting and have been going between anger, shock and sadness. When I told my husband I cried he said “why not like you haven’t been told you had something before” and generally dismissed it beyond that.

Now that I’m slightly less shocked I’ve been looking into so much and reflecting on my life to realize this is a definitely a family trait. I’m now very set on not repeating the same avoidance and patterns of my family members and learning the best way to cope with life and managing the house in a way that will positively impact our daughter.

The other day he told me he’s tired of me talking about it and I need to relax with the obsession. I tried to explain that at this age it’s a big shock and I just want to know how best to improve myself to be the best for my daughter. In addition if I can’t manage how am I going to teach her to? He says he gets it but it’s been too much and he’s tired of hearing “adhd” being spoken in the house. This has left me feeling unsupported and honestly judged.

On top of this I started adderall and came off Zoloft after ten years which has been a real game changer, at least when I’m on it. I started on a super low dose 10mg a day so by the time I’m home from work I’m basically just running off my natural brain setting which of course is a lot. I had asked him if he noticed my focus drop and anxiety in the evening and he said I’ve just been myself. Well the other day I guess I ranted about something for too long because he made a comment about how it must be the meds, as if the medicine which was worn off by that point, was the reason I was fixated on something and would keep going back to it. This really hurt my feelings and got me in my head and honestly because I wasn’t initiating small talk we didn’t speak for three days. Funny considering he said the meds weren’t letting me shut up.

Generally he just doesn’t feel as supportive as I need right not and I don’t know how I can try to instill meaningful change with my habits without the support. How can I talk to him in a way that doesn’t make him feel attacked but also makes it clear I need support through this?

My aunt on my mother’s side (white) recently got into a very interesting conversation with me regarding dei (not even going to get into that) and also my experience with society. Just for context we’ve always been close but I recently began working at the office she runs and obviously have never gotten too deep into social issues until now,or maybe I just had a blind spot. She started by telling me she never saw race just her niece okay fine. I then explained I get that’s her perspective but on a whole people don’t just look at me and see a human it’s built into society. I then explained a few instances where I was categorized basically, put in esl and labeled as Spanish speaking in school despite only speaking English, a doctor only speaking to my daughter because he assumed I didn’t speak English, cop harassment, people throwing things at my car yelling profanities, or men telling me “if only you were white”. She then says “well why does it have to be that way” as if I’ve ever had a choice in the matter. I then tried to explain the perspective of it being societal issue and got met with, well people should just not. When the conversation was met with no understanding and laughing at the Spanish speaking commentary, as if it was a funny bit, I decided to bow out. In speaking to my uncle he’s tried to have similar conversations regarding my brother (biracial and gay) and explain to her that it’s a tough environment. He was met with “don’t be so dramatic”. Thinking back when I was younger I did try to express pride in my ethnic side and was regularly met with laughter a brush off or oh you’re American. Yet speaking of being British was never met with resistance. On the flip side my Hispanic and black family always acknowledged me as such…. to a degree because I was with my white family more. Never quite enough or understood by either side racially. And I’m sure that has something to do with my issues with identity today. It’s very disappointing that someone I was close to has such a closed minded and privileged perspective. My husband tells me to not hold too much against her but that’s hard in this day and age, especially when you actively try to give someone a honest perspective and are met with a less than satisfactory response. Has anyone else dealt with conversations similar and how did you deal with the minimization of it all?
It’s extra tough because on the flip side I have some other family that started identifying as black nationalists, and fully condemning interracial marriage as if we’re not all products of it. I’m fully ready to bow out of all family functions either side because how do I even navigate any of this with a mixed child?

I’ve been with my therapist for almost 10 years now. Initially doing intensive trauma therapy and emdr. I stopped seeing her for a year or so after I had my daughter because my insurance had changed but I started back again a few years ago after my grandmother had passed.

I recently also got a new psychiatrist who after doing my initial intake had suggested possible adhd and recommended testing. I have talked to my therapist about it this and she said she didn’t see it, doesn’t understand why, and seemed very perplexed when I was switched to a constituent before formal diagnosis. She even suggested that I was just having trouble with work (recently switch from retail/food to a desk job) and said it was simply because I don’t “love” what I do. My daughter also recently started going through a testing process and most likely has adhd.

Obviously I would like to be able to cope in the most helpful way for not just myself but my child as well. In addiction if there’s specific skills I can learn for emotional regulation for her I would love that. My concern is I recently received the testing results and I do have adhd. After discussing with the office I tested at as well as my psychiatrist I fully understand this could’ve been an underlying issue the whole time.

I really need advice for how to navigate the conversation at therapy now that I’ve been formally diagnosed, even though she is adamant it’s just my a.c.e (adverse childhood experiences). I don’t disregard them but as I’ve done all the trauma work and anxiety work and have been away from triggering individuals my depression is fully eliminated and my stress is generally manageable it’s just the day to day and organization with my daughter I have issues with. I want to stay with her but unsure if it’ll be a possible thing. So Reddit any advice?

Edit: paragraph breaks

It seems as though I can’t even mention a man without it becoming a thing. I was talking about how someone I worked with ran a marathon and I didn’t see the appeal because he limped around for days after. Apparently that means I was actively thinking of him running and not just having a passing thought. And me saying it was because I saw someone running and just had the thought is me being defensive. At the same time my husband has actively denied working with women, he’s in the union so I never even thought anything. The other day he said he was driving to the store on break with his friend and also some women I’ve never heard of before. I said oh have you always worked together-apparently they have and then that turned into me being crazy for even asking because “he’s in a blue color job everyone’s a lesbian”. Or whatever deflection. I just feel like the standard isn’t consistent and am just annoyed we can’t speak about coworkers without it becoming a thing. AIO?