I am NOT OP. That is u/PianistHoliday3484 . She posted in r/AITAH .

Trigger Warning: >!entitlement, child neglect, manipulation!<

Mood Spoiler: >!frustrating, but OOP is okay!<

Original post - April 20, 2026

I (35F) have a complicated relationship with both my father and his wife “Denise” (fake name) for several reasons, some of which relate to my half-brother, “Jake” (9yo). 

There’s a lot of backstory here, but to sum things up: Jake exists because Denise wanted a baby and my father was upset that both his daughters were moving out. They expected me and my sister (29yo) to have an active role in caring for Jake. That wouldn’t be possible for either of us, but they continued to assume we’d give in. We didn’t, which led to multiple fights that soured my relationship with our father. Denise also got mad at me for “refusing to be her village.” I got pregnant with my first child when Jake was still a baby, which made her even more angry that I wouldn’t help her as much as she wanted.

Things at their household aren’t great. Jake isn’t well-behaved. My father is not a very active parent, though he is more present than he used to be. And the older Jake gets, the more Denise loses interest in parenting. They never stopped trying to get me to help take care of their son. To this day, whenever they need a babysitter, they call me first, even though I’m almost never able to do it. They’ve tried multiple things over the years, but most of their current strategies concern my children, “Sam” (8M) and “Katie” (4F).

My kids do not get along with Jake, but not for lack of trying on my father and Denise’s part. They’ve tried setting up “playdates” (AKA Denise dumping Jake on me and my kids while she went shopping), making them share a room on family vacations, and my father even considered changing Jake to Sam’s school a few years ago. Every time there’s an opportunity to make the kids spend time together, they push for it.

That brings us to now. My husband and I are planning a trip to France with our children in September to celebrate Katie’s 5th birthday. We don’t travel much and the trip will include Disneyland Paris, so the kids are thrilled. 

My father found out and decided to propose that we bring Jake with us. He said he’d pay for “all” the expenses (flights and hotels) so that his son could go to Europe with my family. I said no, we wanted the trip to be just us and our kids. He kept insisting that Jake would love going to Disney with us, that he and Denise really wanted some “nice, child-free time,” and that they’d appreciate it if I took care of my little brother like a good sister.

We had an argument, and I ended up losing my patience. I told my father that he needs to accept that Jake is not my responsibility and never will be, and that he and Denise should have thought about their “child-free time” before having a child.

My father is furious. He accused me of saying I wished Jake was never born (I didn’t), and called me an ungrateful brat for refusing to take care of my brother. Denise later called me to yell a few insults as well.

I don’t think I’m in the wrong for refusing to bring Jake along, but I’m not proud of what I said to my father. My husband is on my side, but thinks I was too harsh.

Edit: I didn't explain this clearly enough, but my father only offered to pay for Jake's flights and whatever extra accommodation costs were needed for him to stay with us. He did not offer to fly my whole family to Europe.

Relevant Comments:

Dazzling-Grass5550: "NTA, I think your step mother and father are ridiculous, if they wanted child free time why not get a babysitter and go on vacation, or better yet all go on a family vacation. I think your father fails to realize you have a family of your own now and they aren't the main priority anymore."

>OOP: I think this happens mostly because I'm the eldest, honestly. He's always expected me to be more of a caretaker.

>My father wasn't a very active parent to me and my sister when we were babies, so I feel like he expected us to help when Jake was a baby so that he wouldn't have to put too much elbow grease into it. And Denise very openly expected us to be okay with doing unpaid babysitting whenever she asked.

Madam_Apathy: "That’s a lot of expectations without verification of participation on your part. I assume there was no family meeting before the baby was conceived… no polling the family for caretaking ability… of course not. If they asked, they would have known they’d be on their own."

>OOP: My father had "talks" with me and my sister years before Jake was conceived to tell us that Denise wanted a baby. He didn't say he also wanted one (and to me, it seemed pretty obvious that he didn't), but he kept saying he might be okay with thinking about it. I told him it was a bad idea.

>When Denise got pregnant, I was working, planning my wedding and in the middle of moving in with my now husband, while my sister was a full-time college student.

Where is OOP's sister?

>OOP: My sister lives with her boyfriend (currently no kids) in a different state, but she speaks with our father a lot. They talk at least once a week. Their relationship was awful back when Jake was born, but it's since gotten much better. He was always more upset at me, because I’m the eldest. We all try to visit each other a few times a year.

>And strangely enough, the Jake situation brought me and my sister closer together. Despite the distance, we're closer than ever right now.

More on Jake's behavior:

>OOP: He's spoiled, but not Veruca-level. He's mostly just rude. He makes fun of people, does mean "pranks" and refuses to listen when you tell him to stop doing something. Denise also refuses to discipline him in any real way, which I think is reflected in the way he doesn't really respect other people (especially women).

+

>OOP: I will say that I do limit the amount of time my kids spend with Jake, especially now that I know for sure they don't like him. I don't agree to "playdates" and only babysit if there is literally no other option (in the past two years, I agreed to babysit Jake once).

New-Comment2668: "NTA. You do not owe anyone free childcare. Your dad and Denise made their bed and now they can lay in that same bed. Your kids do not get along with Jake so why make your vacation miserable for your own family?"

>OOP: They refuse to accept my kids don't get along with him. Whenever anything comes up, Denise instantly says it must be my children's fault for "excluding" Jake. My father at least tries to discipline him, but expects everything to be fine once Jake says he's sorry.

Rowana133: "Personally I wouldnt be talking to Denise and block her or mute her. All conversations would be only with my father and he would be on thin ice and LOW contact for a while. Its sad because it sounds like his wife wanted a baby, not a kid and now that she has a kid, she cant be bothered. NTA"

>OOP: That's exactly what I think. She was hyper-involved in Jake's life until he started forming sentences. I don't think she's a bad mother (and she's not abusive), but she clearly had some very high expectations of motherhood that weren't met. Jake's behavior doesn't help.

More on OOP's family:

>OOP: I am almost certain this wouldn't be happening if I were a man. And Denise did want a girl! Not to make her a caretaker, just because she thought it would be cute to have a mini-me. I think one of the reasons she resents me is the fact I did have a daughter.

>As for culture, we're all 100% South American (Denise has German ancestry, but not in any ways that matter). We do have a strong notion of the meaning of family in my country, but not specifically to the point older siblings are always expected to care for the younger. Denise is Christian, my father is a reluctant church-goer, and neither me nor my husband practice any religion.

Ordinary-Audience363 (Downvoted): "ESH. Even though Jake is not your responsibility, he's your half-brother and your kids' uncle. Obviously, you can do as you wish but it really sounds like you don't want anything at all to do with the boy. Is this out of possible resentment? I mostly feel sorry for Jake. He's just a kid. 

As for Disneyland, you don't want to babysit Jake and I don't blame you."

>OOP: I love Jake in the same way I’d love a nephew. Not as much as I love my sister and not even remotely as much as I love my kids.

>But I do not resent him in the slightest. He's a kid. I always knew this was a parenting problem.

hb1219: "I wish my mom would've taken me to France for my 5th birthday. Dang. Seriously, NTA."

>OOP: Hahah it was mostly a coincidence! We were planning to go and realized the best time for us would be right before Katie's birthday, so we figured we'd do it to celebrate that, too.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was voted NTA based on the comments.

Update - April 27, 2026 (7 days later)

Hi everyone! It’s been about a week since I posted, so I thought I’d give you an update.

First of all, I don’t regret posting here and I’m very thankful for your responses, but I want to make it clear that my relationship with my father, like all relationships, is very nuanced. I won’t try to defend him and I don’t think he’s a great guy, but he is my father and I love him. This is a very small part of my life and I’m not willing to completely cut ties with him over it.

I am, however, willing to go low contact. Which is what I’ve decided to do.

My sister flew over on Friday to spend her birthday weekend with us. On Saturday, we did what we do every year on her birthday: lunch with our mother, dinner with our father. He hosted at his place. It wasn’t as tense or awkward as I expected, but Denise barely spoke to me and my husband all night. Jake was there and behaved better than usual.

After my sister left, my father and Denise asked to speak with us in private. I ended up going on my own while my husband stayed with the kids in the living room.

They made me an offer. They said Denise would “agree” to babysit my children every other Saturday (which they repeatedly said would be a tremendous hassle and extremely inconvenient for her), both to get them better acquainted with Jake and to give us some time off, if I agreed to reconsider letting their son come to France with us. Alternatively, they said they’d be “willing to let go of their disappointment” about the trip if my husband and I agreed to babysit Jake every other Saturday until September. so that they could have some free time. They expected me to choose either option.

I said no to both. This was the first time in a while that I didn’t even feel the need to explain myself. My father tried to end the conversation, but Denise started ranting about how exhausted she was and how horrible it felt to not be able to rely on family. When she was done, I told them not to contact me until they were ready to apologize and went to get my children. Denise thankfully didn’t have a meltdown in front of them before we left.

Earlier today, I got a text from my father. He said he wanted to apologize, and we ended up on a phone call. Apparently, he’d realized they were being unreasonable during the dinner, but decided to go through with the “offer” anyway.

I asked him whether Jake knew about the trip, which had been bugging me, and he said no. Denise apparently wanted to tell him that we were going to Disney and refusing to take him with us, but he told her that was both cruel and pointless. We did get some more stuff out of the way, but the talk felt more like an attempt to give excuses than an apology.

In the end, I told him I was going to need some space. I said that the way they had treated me was unacceptable, and it is only my love for both him and Jake that is keeping me from completely cutting ties. I added that I loathe the way his wife and their son treat me and my children and I’m sick of being expected to bend over backwards to help him and Denise.

If patterns are to be believed, I won’t be hearing about this for a while. I don’t think the matter is closed, but I don’t care. I did mute Denise’s contact for now.

My husband and I are doing great. We’re back to talking about the trip (if anyone has tips, let me know, turns out we suck at this). Sam and Katie have no idea anything happened, but I’m going to have a deeper talk with them about Jake, my father and Denise soon.

This upset me a lot more than it should have. I love my family, but I hate how used I am to how crazy they can be. I think that is why I posted here in the first place. I can’t believe I ever thought I was in the wrong for putting my foot down. As much as I don’t want to cut contact with my father, I do think lowering it will be good for me.

I’ve been reflecting a lot about my life and my family these days. I’m getting my thoughts in order before I see my therapist on Tuesday. I think writing this all down is helping.

Thank you. I have no intention of updating again.

Relevant Comments:

mocha_lattes_: "Lmao those offers were fucking entitled as fuck 🤣 With the first one, I wouldn't be trusting her with my kids, let alone around her kid who she barely parents and harasses my kids. The second offer...the fucking audacity. I just don't understand how someone can be so delusional or selfish."

>OOP: I never liked Denise, not even before Jake. At this point, the feeling is mutual, which is probably my fault, but I don’t really care. I'd never trust her to babysit my children.

>The offer genuinely shocked me. They've been entitled before, but not this entitled.

Impossible_Balance11: "It just seems utterly ridiculous that they have ONE CHILD and cannot manage to parent him. They need professional help in learning how to manage him."

>OOP: They’re bad parents. I am more than certain that they both love Jake, but that doesn’t change it. I'm still convinced my father never wanted a third kid.

>In general, Jake has a weird childhood. He goes on multiple trips a year, attends the fancy religious private school his mother wanted him at and is allowed to do almost anything he wants at all times. But his parents almost never correct his behavior, show little to no interest in what he likes and barely spend time with him at home. I don’t envy any of that, nor would I wish it on my own children.

More on Denise:

>OOP: Denise actually liked me a lot at first. I didn't because she was too pushy with me and my sister, too entitled in general, and because we had almost opposite personalities.

>Her opinion of me soured when Jake was born because I wouldn't help her as much as she thought I would. It got worse when I had my own babies, because that showed her I was perfectly able to care for children, just not hers.

>She's also very obviously still bitter about the fact I got to have a daughter and she didn't. I especially hate the way she treats Katie.

+

>OOP: Denise is 50, she had Jake right before turning 41. She did genuinely want a baby, but I think she never realized what it meant to actually raise a child. She also wanted a girl (though she never seemed bothered about having a boy) and wanted to be a SAHM, which stopped being possible a few years ago. She currently works from home, but has a very flexible job.

+

>OOP: She genuinely loves Jake, but she wanted a baby. She now has a growing child who can form his own opinions.

>Denise also believes that Jake is the greatest, most special child in the world and tells him that all the time. It's definitely one of the biggest reasons behind his behavior. She refuses to parent him and always blames other people or circumstances for every bad thing he does. Last time he had lice she tried to blame my kids (he got it from school, where he'd been to three times since seeing my children).

Duckeee47: "Ok I’m confused. If Denise is completely overwhelmed and exhausted by raising her child why doesn’t she hire some help? Pay a babysitter to give Denise and your dad a break every other Saturday instead of trying to foist their little terror, I mean bundle of joy, onto you?

Villages don’t need to be biological family. You can pay for help. If your dad has the money to fund your vacation he can definitely hire some professional help."

>OOP: Denise works from home and thinks hiring a nanny is pointless. They get babysitters on occasion, but very rarely and they always ask me first because they think I should do it for free.

>But you're right, it’s not about money. If they wanted to take Jake on a trip tomorrow, they probably could. They want the kids to become closer so that I’ll be more willing to babysit Jake.

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

I am NOT OP. That is CallMeDesdinova42. She posted in r/EntitledPeople.

There was a previous BORU posted by a different user. The most recent update (dated September 2024) does not seem to have ever been posted to this sub.

Trigger Warning: >!entitlement!<

Original Post - August 10, 2023

Years ago, my dad met "Harold" through mutual friends, and they hit it off. I was 18 and in college when I met him, and we never had a close relationship. However, he always seemed to think of himself as a family friend, and was extremely infantilizing and condescending towards me. Every time I saw him, I'd try to tell myself it wasn't that bad, only for him to prove me wrong less than a minute later.

Harold would disrespect my boundaries, say things like "you're not 19, you're a baby" while I was talking to other people and patronize me, my education or my hobbies whenever he had the chance. He always noticed that annoyed me, to which he'd playfully ask if I "hated him". I always said no, but only for my father's sake.

The final straw came the day Harold interrupted a barbecue to say, "I really like you, even though you're an impolite brat." I was 20 years old. I'd been quiet all day, working on a paper during the barbecue, but replied patiently and politely whenever anyone addressed me. And even if that hadn't been the case, I knew he didn't have the right to talk to me like that. After that, I started making an effort to avoid any events I knew he'd be attending.

Yesterday was my father's girlfriend's birthday. They threw a small lunch party at my dad's apartment. I went there with my fiancé and our six month old son.

Harold was there. I hadn't seen him in months, but he still talked to me as if I was a dumb child. Nevermind that I'm engaged, a mother, and 26 years old. I spent the whole party ignoring his "helpful advice" about me being too young to get married or be a mom. It helped that most of the other guests seemed to disagree with him.

My baby spent most of the afternoon sleeping (there's a bassinet in my old room). He woke up hungry, so I went to breastfeed him and excused myself from the party for a while. I got back to jokes and comments, all from Harold, about how I was "probably struggling" if my son was managing to leech me away for so long. He went on to interrupt a conversation I was having with another of my dad's friends to question pretty much everything about my parenting (he doesn't even have custody of his daughter, by the way) and to make more comments about my age.

I decided I couldn't take it anymore after he asked if I'd thought about giving my baby up for adoption. I got my son and told my fiancé we were leaving. We said goodbye to everyone except Harold.

When we got to the door, Harold came to ask why we were leaving. I tried to make up an excuse, but he kept trying to make us stay. After a small back-and-forth, he jokingly asked if I hated him. And this time, I said, "Yes. I do. Can we go now?"

He didn't say anything, and we left. On the way home, my fiancé said he was proud of me. My father called this morning to say the opposite, and we had a small fight, but ultimately decided to drop the subject. I'm sure this isn't over, but if it keeps going, it won't be because of me.

This is far from my proudest moment, and a small part of me regrets it, but I'm done with that guy.

EDIT: Jesus Christ Superstar, that's a lot of comments. To answer some common questions:

-I don't think Harold is in love with me.

-Harold didn't tell me to give up my son, he asked if I'd thought of doing so when I got pregnant. It was still an awful question, specially since he interrupted a conversation I was having with someone else (my dad's girlfriend's pregnant friend, who was asking about my own pregnancy and delivery) to ask it.

-I don't like making a big deal out of things unless necessary. If I'm uncomfortable, I leave. If I don't like someone, I avoid them. It's usually less stressful.

-The fight between me and my father ended when I told him about the adoption comment. I don't think he gets that's not the only reason I left, but it was definitely what broke the camel's back.

-I really don't need my father to stop being friends with Harold. He's a grown man capable of making his own crappy decisions.

-I never told my dad I hated Harold because I never thought I had to like him in the first place. He's my father's friend, not mine. And I've been distancing myself from Harold since I was 20, meaning I haven't seen him much in the last 6 years.

-My fiancé was on the other side of the room and wasn't listening to Harold's comments. I filled him in when we got to the car. He's 100% on my side.

Relevant Comments:

Mangomama619: "Does your dad know this "friend" suggested you putting up Dad's grandchild up for adoption? If not, I'd bring it up with the two of them together at your earliest convenience."

>OOP: It was one of the first things I told him on the phone. It was also part of what ended the fight.

thestrian: "Obviously, I have no idea what your dad is like or how your relationship with him is. It's entirely possible that I'm way off base - this is just an outside possibility that would bother me if I were in your situation. Could it be possible that Harold is actually treating you the way he does due to a perception that your father has given him when they're hanging out? I feel like it wouldn't surprise me if, in private, your father says negative things about you with Harold, maybe even saying things like I think she should've put the baby up for adoption.'"

>OOP: I don't doubt my father talks about me when he's around friends, but I'm sure it's not like that. Many of the stories he tells people happened when I was a child, but that's always made clear right away, too. And none of his other friends behave like Harold, so I really don't think that's the case.

On Harold's daughter:

>OOP: She's around 10 years old, and I think he sees her once or twice a week. She has a room at his place (or she did last time I heard), but lives with her mother.

Update - August 18, 2023 (8 days later)

Hey guys! I wasn't going to write an update, but I just got some free time and I figured I'd fill you in.

I'll start by addressing the (very frequent) assumption that Harold has feelings for me. I really don't think that's the case. His comments always came out as annoying and condescending, but never sexual. But I will say that your comments scared the shit out of me. And the fact that the general consensus was "fuck Harold" was weirdly heartwarming.

I also want to add that, while I did regret what I said a little bit, I never doubted I'd done the right thing. I think most of my regret came from the fact that my eight years of keeping the peace were over. It took some time for the relief to sink in. Truth be told, I've been wanting to do this since the barbecue incident, which was when I went from "I don't like that guy" to "I can't stand that guy."

My father called Harold the day after I made my previous post. When confronted about the adoption comment, he tried to twist it as him being "genuinely concerned" about me being a mom so soon, and that he didn't think I knew what I was doing. He did apologize to my father. I don't buy any of that.

The next day, my dad told me about the call. He said I should forgive Harold for what he thought was an honest misunderstanding. He also told me I should apologize too, since I'd "overreacted" by telling Harold I hated him for such a small reason.

Many of Harold's past comments were made with my father close by. It often happened in the middle of conversations with other people, so he'd be too distracted to register them. He also wouldn't notice them most of the time. My dad doesn't pay enough attention to anything that doesn't either concern or anger him, and he'll most likely forget it until he gets angry at something else later anyway. He's like a meth head goldfish. We also have different definitions of what's offensive, so he'd never think they were a big deal.

I told my father I wasn't exaggerating when I said I hated Harold, and that the adoption comment was far from being the only reason. I listed most of the condescending treatment and comments I could remember, including the ones from the party. He didn't remember any of them. I made it very clear that I'd hated Harold for years prior to the party, and that I had nothing to apologize for.

I then stated that I'm no longer coming to any events Harold is invited to. My father doesn't need to stop being friends with him, or even stop inviting him to stuff, but he can no longer expect me to show up as well. I will ask him beforehand, and if he lies, I'll leave.

My father called me dramatic, but I pointed out that I've been avoiding Harold for six years now and no one even noticed, so it clearly wasn't a problem. I've only seen him a handful of times since the barbecue incident, and only twice for more than a few minutes (the lunch party last week and another party back when I was pregnant). It obviously didn't ruin my father's life. I'm not obliged to like his friends any more than he is to like mine.

There was some back and forth, but he agreed to my terms. We spoke yesterday about something else, and he mentioned Harold was upset. I ignored that.

I'm not going NC with my father. Yes, I'm very well aware he's an asshole, and I came really close to cutting times with him in the last few years, but I ultimately decided it wouldn't really fix anything. Maintaining my relationship with him has gotten a lot easier since I moved out, as we only see each other a couple times a month. He gets frustrated that I don't call or text much, but doesn't complain about it anymore. I don't see the point in going NC with someone who no longer has any say in how I live my life. I'd rather just take note of what my father did wrong when I was growing up and then make sure to raise my own kid differently.

He's on thin ice, though, and has been for some time. He's not allowed to babysit, mostly because I don't trust him to spend more than an hour alone with a baby without falling asleep on the couch. I began pushing for him to start doing therapy back when I got pregnant, and he finally got started back in June. His behavior around me and my younger sister (who still lives between our very divorced parents) has improved a lot since, and I've made it clear to him that he won't be allowed near my son if he stops attending.

This is the first time in my life my father has improved his behavior. It's hard to be hopeful, but I'm trying. And if I ever do go NC with my father, it won't be because of fucking Harold.

So that's it. Overall, I'm glad I don't have to deceive anyone anymore. My relationship with my father is rocky, but I won't dwell on it. My main responsibilities are my son, my fiancé and my job, and that's not changing anytime soon.

And to those who mentioned Jesus Christ Superstar and Blue Öyster Cult in my last post: has anyone told you you're fucking awesome today? Because you are.

Final Update - September 11, 2024 (a little over a year later)

Hey guys! Wow, I can't believe it's been over a year since I last posted about this.

I planned on updating some time ago. These past few months, I've been caught up in raising a toddler, getting married (yay!), working like crazy and rewatching Supernatural. Needless to say, I've been busy.

Openly avoiding Harold has been working pretty well. My father has been respecting my boundaries. Whenever he invites me and my husband over for lunch or dinner, I ask who else will be there. If Harold's coming, he tells me. He hasn't lied so far, and doesn't usually insist when I tell him I'm not coming.

Since my last post, I've only seen Harold once, at my dad's birthday party a few months ago. Yes, I knew he'd be there. My father promised he'd tell him not to talk to me. Also, some of my father's friend's kids (most of whom I used to babysit) would be there. I hadn't seen them in a while, and I love them more than I hate Harold.

I ended up spending most of the party with my son and the kids. Harold didn't talk to me at all, so I guess my father was true to his word. My husband and I did catch him staring at us a couple times, but I decided to ignore it. I caught my husband staring back once, and the walking marshmallow I married actually managed to look threatening. I love this man.

You know who did talk to me? Harold's girlfriend. Yes, he has one now. She interacted with me twice. First, she came over to coo over my son before making a comment about how he needed a haircut (hahaha I already hate you). Later, she approached me and said "you're shy, aren't you?" I said no, she laughed and said "yeah, you're shy." She said all that in the same tone one would use to talk to a 6 year old.

I managed to keep my expression schooled. Otherwise, I would have told her I'm not shy, I just chose to spend the whole party with the kids because they were better company than her and her annoying-ass boyfriend.

So yeah, based on both my interactions with her, Harold's girlfriend is insufferable. In other words, they're perfect for each other.

I don't have much else to add. My father broke up with the woman he was dating last year (LOOONG fucking story), and has a new girlfriend. She is not annoying or psychotic, and I actually really like her. They won't last a year.

My relationship with my father is still not perfect, by the way, but it has improved. He's actually started apologizing to me a lot more often. I don't know whether it's the therapy or the fact that motherhood has apparently made me terrifying, but I'll take it. And I'll give credit where it's due: he's a very good grandfather.

I'm also glad my father is respecting this Harold boundary. I very much don't want this man in my life.

Honestly, I'm pretty satisfied right now. My little boy is thriving. Part of me really misses the baby times, but I grow prouder and prouder every day. Getting to know my kid has been fantastic.

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is still DaughterPartyThrow. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole and r/AITAH

Previous BORU here. New Update marked with *****

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77, u/Starry_Gecko and u/Choice_Evidence1983 for letting me know about the update

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: >!good ending!<

Original Post: January 27, 2025

My (33F) daughter “Cleo” (5yo) hates pink. She has disliked the color and almost everything to do with it since she was about three or so. She has one pink shirt she likes and one pink stuffed animal, and that’s it.

My father’s partner, “Prue,” refuses to accept that Cleo doesn’t like pink. Over the years, she’s made several attempts to push the color onto her (pretty much every gift she’s ever given her was some shade of pink), no matter how many times I tell her to stop. She has tried to give me dozens of different reasons why I should encourage my daughter to “try different shades.” It clearly upsets Cleo, but Prue keeps doing it.

About a week ago, my father invited me, my husband and our children for dinner at his place. He said he and Prue had a surprise for the kids.

Right before we left home, my younger sister (who still lives with our father) texted me. She warned me that the “surprise” was actually a small birthday party Prue had planned for Cleo. That alone threw me off, because my daughter’s birthday was in November. My father did miss her actual birthday party due to work, but still. Also, my son turns 9 in March, so I had figured his would be the next party we’d have.

Then she sent me photos of how the place was decorated, and it very clearly wasn’t actually meant for Cleo. Literally every piece of decor was pink. The table, the tableware, the balloons, everything. She had gotten pink banners and glued pink foil fringe curtains on the doors. Even the cake was pink.

I showed everything to my husband, and we agreed not to take the kids there. I texted my father the following: “Hey, (sister) told me everything. We’re not coming. We’re taking the kids to McDonalds and telling them that was your surprise. You and Prue can come if you want, we’re paying.”

We did exactly that. My father did show up (without Prue), but he was cold with us and left 20 minutes after arriving.

Both him and Prue are pissed. My father is angry that my husband and I dismissed his partner’s “heartfelt gesture” towards our daughter. Prue also told me that I’m the reason Cleo is “restrictive” (I also don’t like pink), and I’m raising her to be an ungrateful, spoiled brat who is unwilling to compromise.

To be honest, I get how I could be in the wrong here. But at the same time, this just felt like Prue trying to push something Cleo doesn’t like onto her yet again.

My sister and one of my brothers are on my side (though my sister did say I had been rude). My other brother is on the fence.

AITA?

EDIT: My daughter doesn't know I dislike pink, nor would I care if she did like it.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: NTA You handled it well, and avoided the worst. [...]

Your father is the weakest link here. He should be reeling in Prue's pink obsession, not encouraging it.

>OOP: My father never understood I didn't like pink, either. In his case, I think it was more of a memory thing. He had the habit of getting me the same essentials as my sister, who did like pink.
He probably just doesn't care:
Probably. He genuinely has an awful memory (and has since I was a kid), so I feel the need to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Does Prue have kids?

>Prue doesn't have kids. She does have some experience with children, but mostly through mine and her friends'. She has never babysat my kids, and I don't know whether she's ever been responsible for any other children.
To another commenter:
She has a goddaughter. My eldest brother has two children, but he doesn’t have a lot of contact with Prue.

Why brother isn't in contact with Prue:

>My brothers and I had a pretty big fight with our father a couple years ago. It had nothing to do with this. We've all apologized to each other, but our relationships with him and Prue aren't the same. I live the closest to them, so I have more contact.

Cleo's tastes:

>I've said this somewhere else, but Cleo's tastes are pretty balanced. She loves doing ballet and playing with dolls. She also loves cars (her dad is a big F1 guy) and space stuff. Her birthday party last year was themed after Super Mario Bros. (the movie, she's never played the game). The "boy stuff" she likes does also bother Prue, though. Not as much as the pink thing, but enough that both me and my husband know.
I understand the assumption that Cleo picked this up from me, but I don't think so. I wear pink around her. I own pink stuff. I occasionally dressed her in pink as a baby. She doesn't even know I dislike pink.

What ARE her favorite colors?

>Yellow and blue are her favorites! I assume it's because her favorite princesses are Belle and Jasmine.

Does she hate pink because you hate it?

>I don't think she takes the cue from me at all. I've said this in a different comment, but I wear pink around her and own lots of pink stuff. I never told her I disliked pink.
There's a lot of stuff that Cleo loves that I hate and vice versa. I dislike The Lion King, she loves it. I watch that movie with her on a weekly basis, and she has no idea I'd never do that if I didn't love her. She dislikes Mary Poppins, I love it. I never told her I liked it, because I know she might feel guilty.

Commenter (downvoted): I'm of similar age to Prue. When I attended school the girls bathrooms were blue and the boys pink. But within a year of me attending school it changed to pink being for girls. It was incredibly confusing. However Prue's focus on pink is likely her just trying to be a nana, and no matter the colour she made a real effort to celebrate your daughter. I think half an hour or so wouldn't have hurt. YTA Your daughter could then tell Prue I'd love next year to be..

>OOP: It absolutely would hurt Cleo. She would have started crying, because she hates it when people push pink onto her. She has been frustrated with Prue's attempts to do that for a while now.

Commenter (downvoted): Did you ask Cleo what she wanted to do?

>OOP: You mean did I ask her whether she wanted to attend a birthday party she wouldn't like two months after her actual birthday?
No. She already gets upset that Prue ignores how much she hates pink, I didn't want to ruin my father's image too.

Tons of commenters insisted that OOP must be telling or showing her daughter that she (OOP) hates pink. Quite frankly it was ridiculous, but I'm including two of OOP's comments:

>What actions would a 5 year old read as "mom hates pink"? Is there an anti-pink gesture I'm doing subconsciously?
Why is it so hard to believe my daughter simply dislikes a color?
To another commenter:
A lot of children hate colors. I had a similar aversion to green at her age. My mother still talks about how crazy I drove her.
I have literally never said a word about hating pink to my daughter.

Just wanted to include my favorite OOP comment:

>I sincerely believe many of you have never met any 5 year olds.
My daughter has already told Prue she hates pink. The whole point is that she keeps ignoring it.

OOP is voted NTA

OOP adds a Clarifying Post: February 4, 2025 (8 days later)

Hey guys. I ended up leaving a LOT of comments on my AITA post, many of which say the same things over and over. Because I don’t think it will be easy to read them all (and because many of you were quick to make inaccurate assumptions about me and my family), I'm writing this to clarify some things.

• Cleo and Prue are both fake names.
• We’re not American.
• Prue is 46 years old. I don’t call her my stepmother because she’s only 13 years older than me. Also, she’s not married to my father, but they’ve been together for 12 years. I have nothing against her, we’re just not close.
• Cleo’s interests are pretty balanced. She likes princesses, cars, robots and dolls. She loves science and outer space. She does ballet and loves it too. She’s the only girl in her ballet class who wears black. Her teacher calls her Black Swan. She’s not a girly girl, but I wouldn’t call her a tomboy either. She’s just a kid who hates pink.
• Cleo’s favorite colors are yellow and blue.
• Though I understand the assumption Cleo dislikes pink because of me, that’s not the case. I hate pink, but I’m not disgusted by it. I wear pink clothing around my children, I occasionally dressed Cleo in pink as a baby, I own pink stuff and buy it for myself.
• My kids don’t know I don’t like pink. They’ve chosen pink gifts for me in the past. According to my son, I “love all the colors.” My father and Prue know it because I’ve disliked pink since long before I had children.
• There’s plenty of stuff I hate that my kids like and vice versa. They don’t have to care about these things, so I don’t tell them.
• Cleo’s more “boyish” tastes also annoy Prue. Not as much as the pink thing, but enough that my husband and I know. Cleo’s birthday party last November was themed after Super Mario Bros., and Prue actually asked me why I was allowing that.
• Cleo is open about hating pink. She has expressed that to Prue several times, specifically because she keeps pushing it.
• Both my kids are polite. Whenever Prue gives my daughter something pink, Cleo thanks her. She'll sometimes ask Prue if she can give her something yellow next time, and she doesn’t act as excited as she gets when other people give her something she actually likes, but that’s it. 
• We let Cleo choose which of her gifts she wants to exchange. She always asks to exchange pink stuff. If it can’t be exchanged, she won’t play with it or wear it. We either give those away to her friends or donate them to charity.
• Cleo does have friends who like pink (her best friend loves it), and wouldn’t complain if they threw pink parties for themselves. She’d know those aren’t about her. But the second you made it about her (AKA, threw her a pink party), then she’d be upset.
• Cleo would have loathed the party. She would have started crying immediately. She wouldn’t have eaten the cake, she wouldn’t have had fun. 
• I didn’t tell Cleo about the party for a number of reasons. Most importantly, I didn’t want her to get upset. I also knew that letting her see it would ruin my father’s image in her eyes. Cleo is already upset that Prue doesn’t care about what she likes, and I didn't want to get frustrated at her grandfather too.
• Yes, my daughter does in fact hate pink. Yes, I’m very well aware that might change someday. No, I wouldn’t care if it did.

I think that’s all I wanted to say here. Feel free to ask me any other questions you may have.

Update Post: February 4, 2025 (Same day as clarification post, 8 from OG post)

First of all, I apologized to my sister a few hours after I made my original post. I am very grateful for what she did, but I’ll do my best to keep her away from these conflicts moving forward. Thank you to those who defended her.

Secondly, I went through your comments with my husband, and our main takeaway was that we did what we had to do to protect Cleo, even if it wasn’t what we’d do in most circumstances. 

Had either of us been surprised with a party decorated with something we openly hated, we would have sucked it up and ignored it. It sucks, but we’re adults and it comes with the territory. Cleo, however, is 5 years old. She wouldn’t deal with this the same way, nor would we expect her to. Knowing my daughter, she would have been miserable at the party. So ultimately, we don’t regret not taking her there.

On Saturday, we took the kids to spend the afternoon at my brother’s place with their cousins. In the meantime, we invited my father and Prue over to talk. 

My husband and I told them we wanted them to abide by the following: 1) No more surprise parties without our knowledge and approval; 2) No more pushing the color pink onto Cleo (including pink gifts); and 3) No more calling our children spoiled for being allowed to dislike something. If they didn’t agree to our terms, we would no longer take the kids to their place, and there would be a good chance we’d lower our contact with them in the future.

Prue didn’t say anything at first. My father tried to argue that we should at least thank her for the party, but I said no. I told them the problem wasn’t that Prue threw a party for my daughter that was dedicated to her own interests, it was that she specifically chose something she knows my daughter hates and centered everything around it. We wouldn’t thank her, and we wouldn’t apologize.

That’s when Prue chimed in. She tried to tell us we were raising our daughter to be a brat again. So I asked, “Why are you so insistent on pink?” She didn’t answer at first, but then said she knew Cleo did love pink, she just didn’t know it yet. And to that I asked, “Would you be this pushy if it was about any other color?”

Prue tried to say that didn’t matter, but when my husband asked her if she’d care if Cleo hated blue, she said, “She doesn’t need to like blue.” He replied that she didn’t need to like pink either.

He told Prue that she had no right to decide what Cleo should and shouldn’t like. Cleo hates pink, and if she can’t be an adult and respect that, then she doesn’t need to be around our children.

In the end, my father and Prue agreed to our terms. I’m not confident about her, but I did speak to my father. I said I know that he has a hard time saying no to Prue, but he will ruin his relationship with me and my children if he keeps enabling his partner. My father promised he wouldn’t let this happen again.

I hope this works out. Cleo is a great kid, and I hope my father and Prue can finally start seeing that.

Thank you all for everything.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Narrator: It was, in fact, not over.

>OOP: Oh yeah, I don't trust her at all. I've already warned my father what will happen if he doesn't stand up to her, but I wouldn't be surprised if Prue tried something again. At least my siblings are on my side.

Commenter: There’s no way Prue is dropping this. To even ‘throw’ the party in the first place shows that she cares not for Cleo’s feelings, but only for herself - as she basically showed with throwing the party in the first place.

Still NTA OP but you definitely need to lessen contact with Prue.

>OOP: I don't think she's dropping it either.
My sister told me that from what she saw, the party was entirely Prue’s idea. When she started getting pink stuff for the decorations, both my sister and my father tried to remind her Cleo didn’t like pink. Prue barely acknowledged them, and my father eventually stopped arguing, which was why my sister sent me the pictures.

Commenter: Your father is enabling her behaviour. You need to tell him that your daughter’s wants and needs take precedence over that of a grown woman with selective hearing.

>OOP: I wouldn't be surprised if we had to either stop visiting or lower contact with them in the near future. I don't trust my father as much as I wish I did, but I've warned him. If he cares about what his granddaughter thinks of him, he will listen. If not, we will learn.

Commenter: I wouldn't allow my daughter to be alone with her. Who knows what venom she could spew in her ear.

"No one will like you if you like blue and space, people only like proper girls."

"What you want/like doesn't matter. When a grownup wants you to do something, you have to do it, otherwise you're a bad girl." The damage could be real.

>OOP: I don't trust Prue to babysit for a number of reasons, but that's exactly what I'm worried about.

New Update

*****Update Post 2: October 6, 2025 (8 months later)*****

Title: FINAL UPDATE: AITA for refusing to take my daughter to "her" birthday party?

Hey guys. I wasn’t planning on coming back, but stuff happened recently and I remembered writing my previous posts.

Things with Prue were mostly fine the months after my last post. On one hand, she didn’t try to push pink onto Cleo in any way. No pink gifts, no preaching, no weirdly timed parties. 

On the other hand, Prue didn’t change much about the rest of her behavior. She was still annoyed whenever my daughter’s non-girly tastes were mentioned. She wouldn’t say anything, but I could see she was making an effort not to. Cleo didn’t seem to notice it or be bothered by it. I don’t have much to say about my father’s behavior, but I will say we didn’t have any problems related to this.

Anyway, Cleo’s 6th birthday is coming up in early November. Her best friend’s birthday is about two weeks before hers, and we’re doing a joint party for them near the end of this month. The girls have both become obsessed with the Wicked movie this past year, so they’ve decided that will be the theme. We’re also looking into taking them to see the musical sometime between their birthdays. The girls are very excited.

Last month, we had dinner with my father, and Cleo started talking about the party. Prue was happy about the theme until Cleo mentioned she’s going to wear an Elphaba costume and her friend will dress as Glinda. The kids eventually shifted the subject, and Prue didn’t say anything else about the party.

I got a text message from Prue later that night. It was long and not in English, so here are some bullet points:

• She’s been “holding a lot in” these last few months.
• I’m influencing my daughter, and raising her to be a tomboy “isn’t as cool as I think.”
• Cleo is obviously confused and it’s my fault.
• It’s embarrassing that I won’t “let my daughter be special” on her birthday.
• It’s bad that my husband lets Cleo watch F1 with him (why she felt the need to bring that up is beyond me).
• It’s sad that I won’t let my daughter be herself (which I found very funny).
• I’m failing my daughter.
• She wasn’t going to say anything, but “couldn’t help herself.”

The text solidified everything I already thought about Prue. She won’t drop this, and she won’t change. And I don’t want to keep putting my daughter around someone who won’t respect her for who she is.

Both me and my husband blocked Prue the next day. I sent my father a screenshot of her text and told him we’re lowering our contact with her. We’ll only see her during family events. That means the only other time we’ll see her this year is Christmas Eve. He can still see the kids without her. And if she tries to pull anything in front of the kids, we’re cutting ties permanently. A few hours later, my father asked, “I can’t get you to change your mind, can I?” I told him no, and he said he agreed.

I told my siblings everything. My sister is moving in with her boyfriend in January, so I’m not too worried about her getting mixed up in this any further, but I told her to let me know if anything happened. So far, all she’s had to say is that Prue has been telling her she wants to apologize to me. I don’t care whether she does anymore.

Also, Cleo found a type of pink she likes. It’s a deep magenta, she calls it “purple pink.” She still hates every other shade, but it’s something. And because of the theme, there is going to be a lot of pink at her birthday party, even if it's not "her half." Both my children are doing great, and I grow prouder of them every day.

I have zero intention of updating again. I have a lot going on in my life right now, and just thinking about the fact all this happened because a grown woman couldn’t accept that my child hates a color exhausts me. I’m more than happy to stop talking about this.

Once again, thank you for everything.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: My favorite color is pink and I like Elphaba more. Prue is insane, and your daughter sounds like she’s doing great. Awesome job Mom!

>OOP: Cleo actually likes both, but she loves Elphaba. She didn't like Glinda until she "stopped being mean."

Commenter: Yeah, I didn't like Glinda either until she got a shot of character development. Hoping to see more of that in the second film.

Not to mention, it's concerning how Prue threw a fit because your kid likes Elphaba.

>OOP: My best guess is that she was upset my daughter specifically chose the character who doesn't wear pink as her favorite. As if she wasn't well aware Cleo hated pink.

Parenting:

>We always try to be as supportive of our kids as possible. My son is into sci-fi, but he's also been getting interested in film and theater lately. Cleo loves ballet, and currently wants to be an astronaut when she grows up.
And I do have to say I know very little about F1, but Cleo loves watching it with her dad.

Commenter: Prue's issues are deeply rooted in misogyny and traditional gender roles. She just won't say that bit out loud. [...]

>OOP: She doesn't have to say it out loud, it's always been pretty obvious. Her reaction to Cleo's 5th birthday party being themed after Super Mario Bros. will never not annoy me.

Commenter: Is Prue generally socially conservative? Something about this story feels like she's scared you're "turning her gay" or some similar paranoid conspiracy religious right bullshit.

>OOP: She is religious and leans mostly conservative, but I'm not sure that's what this is about. I have two close relatives who are LGBTQ+, and she's on good terms with both. I think she's just upset my daughter is not the girl she wants her to be.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Adr1452

My [26F] boyfriends [28M] sister in law [25F] gave him a plushie for Christmas and didn't make one for anyone else

TRIGGER WARNING: >!extreme jealousy. Obsessive behavior!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!incredibly disturbing!<

Original Post Jan 4, 2016

Throwaway because I don't want this connected to my account.

I just want to start by saying that I realize I might be totally wrong and insecure in this situation. I just really want another perspective or something because I just can't help the fact that this bothers me and I am admittedly feeling jealousy.

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months at this point. He has 4 siblings (3 brothers and 1 sister) and we are the shortest relationship in the family. 3 of his siblings are married and another is in a very long term relationship, I think the shortest relationship in the bunch is 5 1/2 years. So I will admit I am a bit intimidated and insecure there.

For Christmas this year his sister in law made him a homemade plushie of this little blue baby dinosaur looking character from his favorite game Guild Wars. The plushie is amazing quality and he absolutely loved it. But she didn't make one for any of the other boys who also love the game just as much. Not even her husband. In fact she went out of her way to give it to him without his other brothers around except for her husband. Her husband was just as excited for her to give his brother the gift as she was but it just felt off to me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Why would she work so hard on something for my boyfriend and no one else? And it just felt like such a personal gift that I could never match and I just feel like she totally took away from what I gave him.

I did try talking to my boyfriend about it and how I thought it was weird. He said he didn't think it was weird at all because she has always been closer to him than the other brothers. Well shouldn't she be closer to her husband than him? He didn't get one. I don't know. I asked him if he would give it back to her saying he can't accept it and he refused and said I'm being ridiculous. I just feel like a woman doesn't make such a personal gift for a guy unless they see them as something more. It was just how I was raised and I hate feeling this way about something like this. I talked to my mom and sister and they both agreed that it wasn't right and that this was most likely the beginning of her trying to push me out. I just can't help but feel like she was trying to make him like her more than me because he said she has never given him anything before and this is our first Christmas together. I just don't know what to think. Or if I'm overthinking this completely.

Tl;Dr: Boyfriends sister in law gave him a homemade plushie that she put a lot of work into for Christmas and didn't make one for any of his other siblings. I feel like this means she is attracted to him and is trying to win him over now that I am in the picture. Am I overreacting?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> You're reading way too much into this. As someone else said, there may be a backstory on in-joke there that you don't know about. Also, it's entirely possible that she's working on gifts for everyone else. If it's as nice as you say it probably takes a while to make so maybe she ran out of time. > > "I talked to my mom and sister and they both agreed that it wasn't right and that this was most likely the beginning of her trying to push me out." > > WTF? She's happily married to his brother and gave him the gift in front of her husband and you think she's trying to "push you out?" That's some master level insecurity there.

OOP

>>I guess the time thing is a good way to look at it. It does look very professional I don't sew so I really don't know how long something like that takes. And that's just how my mom has raised us. She has always been very protective of our father. I try not to be her because I know she can be a bit much at times but this situation just completely threw me off. And it's honestly hard to see his other siblings significant others fitting into the family unit so well while I'm just the outcast.

[deleted]

>>>If anything I'd say that your mom is trying to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend's family. Even if she's doing it unwillingly.

~

wemblewobble

> You are over reacting. Being a jealous, paranoid and controlling girlfriend will drive him away. You've been together 6 months and you're already trying to determine what presents he's allowed to receive from his family? That's crazy. You are the one making up a wedge to drive between you and his family, not her. > > Calm down. It's a stuffed animal, not a blow job. Which is probably what her husband got and why she didn't gift it in front of you.

OOP

>>It wouldn't have bothered me if it was from his actual family it's just that it's the significant other of his brother that bothered me. If his actual sister made it for him I would never in a million years have asked him to return the gift.

studiocistern

>>>An in-law IS actual family. And you do yourself no favors by making those kinds of distinctions. My sister-in-law is my family and I'd be really annoyed if someone tried to tell me that she wasn't.

OOP

>>>>That's just a really hard distinction for me to make honestly. His one brother has been in a long term relationship for 7 years. They do not plan to marry. Yet this sister in law has been with her husband for 5 1/2 years. She hasn't been with the family for as long as the other one who isn't married so how is she more their family than the other girl who has been around longer? Just because of documents? I always viewed marriage as the couple making their own family unit.

studiocistern

>>>>>This hair-splitting about "who is more his family" is really weird. She is married to his brother. She is family, it doesn't matter if they've been married for five minutes or fifteen years. The woman who is in a longterm relationship with his other brother is also family. No one is "more family" than the other. It's not a pH level, they're familial ties.

Update Feb 4, 2016 (1 month later)

My first post wasn't popular by any means but it got a decent amount of comments so I figured I'd update.

I went a few weeks without saying anything else about the subject because everyone on here seemed to disagree with my side of things. Then last Saturday he told me he was going to be spending the day at his brothers just to hang out. We generally make plans on Saturdays but I hadn't had the chance to make plans official with him yet, I just figured it was implied at this point. So I asked him if I would be allowed to go over there with him. That's when he told me that it was just going to be a day with him and his brother. So I reminded him that since it is his brothers house then most likely his wife will be present too so I didn't really see how it was fair. Ultimately it blew up and I told him everything, brought up the gift again and just how I feel intimidated by everyone and feel like his sister in law is on some pedestal or something because she gets to be there and I don't. I also mentioned how I just felt like I was being pushed out by her and that the gift made me uneasy.

He was frustrated and told me that he was going to his brothers and that he would talk to me later. So I spent all morning Saturday on edge and just completely jealous. Then around 1pm his sister in law called me (I guess he gave her my number) and asked me if I was free to meet her for coffee. I was confused but agreed to have coffee with her. I expected it to be awkward.

At the coffee shop she wasted no time to tell me that my boyfriend had told her everything. She said she wanted to meet for dinner because she wanted me to see her face and see that she was genuine in everything she had to say. She went on to explain that she had no feelings for him in the way I was implying to him and no intention of pushing me out. She said her original plan was to make the plushie for all of the boys since they all play the game but it took her way too much time to make one so she wanted to give it to her favorite brother in law. I questioned why not her husband and she said that she lives with him and he knew she was making it in the first place and that she could make him one any time and just wanted that one to be a surprise Christmas present. I told her that I still kinda thought it was inappropriate since he was in a relationship now and she just paused and didn't say anything for a few seconds. Then she asked me if there was anything else that was bothering me. I used today as an example and said it bothered me that he went to her house and told me I couldn't come because it was a day with his brother even though she would obviously be there. She told me that it is a day with his brother and that just because she lives in the house doesn't change that. She said that she kept to herself doing her own things while the boys played video games with each other and that my boyfriend came to her when she was in the kitchen to talk to her about me briefly.

I didn't say anything. I still felt a bit jealous but I just didn't know what to say. She then asked me if I had anything else I wanted to get out and I declined. She said that she didn't want to part ways without giving me some advice. She went on to say that she thinks I'm a very nice girl and that the entire family feels that way and wanted to remind me that all of the spouses and significant others were new to the family at one point in time. She went on about how it takes time to feel a closeness with everyone and that she went through it too. She then said that she didn't want to come across the wrong way but that I needed to work hard on my insecurities or else I would lose my boyfriend. She just went on and on saying how I am so nice and that I am ruining a good thing by letting myself overthink these things and by being so insecure. She told me to really think about how I am acting over his own sister in law interacting with him. That's when my stupid brain made me say "Well if you were to get a divorce then you wouldn't be his sister in law and you would just be another woman in his life." that was the moment it finally hit me just how crazy I was being. She gave me this look and said "Well we aren't getting a divorce so...." and I just felt completely embarrassed and apologized. She then very nicely told me that on second thought she thinks I might not be ready for a relationship at all and that I really need to work on myself. That was pretty much the end of it and we parted ways. I spent the rest of the weekend crying and hating myself. My boyfriend didn't call me or text me at all.

Finally on Monday he asked if he could come over. So he came over and asked how it went with SIL and I had figured he knew everything but he said that all she said was that he needed to talk to me. Turns out he didn't talk to me all weekend because he was angry with how I acted about him going to his brothers house then bringing up the gift again and he just needed some space. He told me that he wasn't going to put up with this type of behavior and that it is putting way too much unnecessary drama into his life. As I'm sure you are probably guessing, he proceeded to break up with me. He told me he really cared about me but he just can't imagine how bad it will get in the future if I'm already acting like this with people who are his family. I begged him not to leave and that I would do everything to change and he just wouldn't budge.

I haven't heard from him since and I feel like I had my heart ripped out and stomped on it hurts so bad. And I know this is all my fault. I have my mom and sister telling me how it's good riddance and how he broke up with me so that he wouldn't have anything holding him back from his SIL and this just broke me. I am so done with my family and the way they put these toxic ideas in my head. I'm just done. So yeah. Not a happy update. From here I am planning on working on myself and hope to someday maybe convince him to give me another chance. I don't know why I wrote this update. It just feels good to get it out I guess and further convinces me I need to change.

tl;dr: Boyfriends sister in law asked me to meet for coffee and convinced me I was being unreasonable but it was too late. Boyfriend dumped me and my mother and sister are insane. I hope to work on myself and get him back.

TOP COMMENT

Metsgal

>I'm won't sugarcoat this, you acted crazy. That being said, you seem to be somewhat aware that this isn't normal behavior, so I suggest allowing yourself a little time to grieve the relationship and then move on. You should look into a therapist who can help you would through these jealousy issues, but this is a lesson learned.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OP. That is u/Complex_Anteater_607. She posted in r/AITAH.

Trigger Warning: >!verbal harassment!<

Mood Spoiler: >!mostly happy ending!<

Original post - March 7, 2025

I (35F) am still friends with some of the people I went to college with. One of them, Debbie (fake name, 36F) got married this past January, after being engaged for two years.

Early in the planning process, Debbie had asked my 6-year-old daughter (who was 5 at the time) to be the flower girl. We agreed, and she had the dress sent to us right away. We barely spoke about the subject for a while.

Then the wedding was delayed by almost a year (the original date was in March ’24). I’m still not sure why, I’ve heard 3 or 4 different reasons. By the time the actual wedding date came around, the flower girl dress did not fit my daughter anymore.

We didn’t find out until roughly 10 days before the wedding (admittedly my fault), and I texted Debbie right away to ask what I should do about it. Her first reply was “Figure it out.”

I tried to ask her where she’d bought the dress, where I could get a similar one or whether it would be okay for my daughter to wear a different dress. I basically gave her a list of ways I could fix this and asked her what she preferred. Debbie responded with “I don’t have time for this. Stop making your whale daughter my problem.”

Obviously, I decided against attending the wedding after that. As far as I’m concerned, we’re no longer friends. And to be clear, I know that up until this point, I was not the AH.

I didn’t tell anyone about it at first, but our absence was obvious (my friends missed me, and my daughter was supposed to be the only flower girl). Whenever Debbie was asked about it, she apparently just said we’d had an argument, but it wasn’t a big deal.

When our mutual friends and acquaintances asked me, I told them the truth, without sugarcoating it or trying to defend Debbie. I even showed my friends the text messages that proved everything. Everyone took my side.

About a week ago, Debbie called me. She apologized for what she said about my daughter, but told me I have no idea how stressed she was at the time. She said it wasn’t fair for her to lose friends over a mistake she’d made when she was under so much pressure.

Again, I don’t think I was in the wrong for skipping the wedding, but I’m wondering whether I took it too far by telling our mutuals why.

EDIT: Yes, I know I should have made sure the dress still fit sooner. I already know that was my mistake, and I'm not blaming Debbie for it. That's not what I'm asking about.

Relevant Comments:

"NTA- doesn’t matter how stressed and overwhelmed you are, you never talk about a child or adult in that way."

>That's part of the reason why I believe I might have been the AH. I don't believe she would have talked about my daughter that way if she wasn't extremely stressed out. Obviously not an excuse, but certainly something I have to take into consideration.

"'Stop making your whale daughter my problem.'

She actually said that??!!! And you're asking if telling the truth somehow makes you an AH? She spoke her 'truth' why can't you? Now she has no friends and is trying to backtrack...smh...

NTA....but you would be if you accepted her back as a close friend...even after an 'apology'..."

>I won't. I will appreciate any apologies that come my way, but we're no longer friends.

More on Debbie's behavior leading up to the wedding:

>I don't know much about how she was to other people these last few months. She was polite to me until what she said about my daughter. Out of all our mutual friends, two of them would definitely stop being friends with anyone who spoke about a child like that.

Would the dress have still fit had the wedding not been delayed?

>She sent us the dress in October '23, five months before the original wedding date. It was a little big on my daughter at the time, and I believe it would have fit just fine had the wedding not been delayed.

+

>It's possible. I remember her Halloween costume (also a dress) still fit her very well around April, and it was also a little big in October. I can't be certain, but I think it would still fit.

"ESH. Dress doesn't fit - then go to seamstress and order alterations. If it can't be saved, buy a different one. She said figure it out. It's not rocket science. And how didn't you expect that kid had grown?
But calling child a whale is also AH move."

>I've said this elsewhere, but I'm not dealing with something like this without being certain how I should do it. What if I'd bought a different one and she didn't like it? I agree I should have had my daughter try on the dress again sooner, but I don't think asking Debbie how I should fix this was a mistake.

"You made certain that you got revenge by telling everyone what she said. It was okay for YOU to make a mistake with the dress but it was not okay for her to make a mistake with a few bad words. Feel better about yourself? (Downvoted)"

>Revenge was never the point. I never said what I did was okay - I literally admitted it was both a mistake and entirely my fault - but that's not what I'm asking about here.

In response to a series of downvoted comments from a user implying the solutions offered were "crap" and that she's playing victim:

>It wasn't crap. I was more than willing to do whatever she asked me to do to fix this. I apologized and gave her solutions. All I wanted was for her to give me a direction.

>I admitted I should have made sure the dress fit sooner in the post (more than once), in the comments (also more than once), to my friends and to Debbie herself. And I told my friends everything I wrote here, including that part.

+

>I didn't paint myself as the victim. I told them exactly what I wrote here. I didn't gloss over anything - they know about the dress thing - and they still sided with me.

Several commenters voted YTA due to the fact OOP didn't make sure the dress fit her daughter sooner. Some are openly insulting her, while many are accusing her of harassing the bride, playing victim or lying to her friends. Here are some of her replies to those:

>I did apologize for the sizing mishap. Having read the comments, I don't yet think I owe her an apology. I didn't come here for validation, but most people seem to be judging me for not checking the dress, not for telling people what happened.

>From what I've gathered, people have approached Debbie about this, and she has had the opportunity to present her side of what happened to our mutual friends. Either it's the same thing I said (literally what happened) or it was simply not enough to get people to agree with her.

>There is no doubt whether she insulted my daughter, or whether I was asking her for directions. Both those things are factual and I have provided people with evidence. I have also informed my friends I took too long to check the dress. I have no reason to lie about that.

+

>I wasn't harassing her, I was asking for information only she could provide me. I didn't want to do anything without making sure she was okay with it. As the bride, she should have the final say. I didn't want to proceed in a way she didn't appreciate. I don't see how that could be an asshole move.

>I'm also not playing the victim. I'm very well aware I was wrong for not checking sooner and I was more than willing to correct that. I have expressed that multiple times, and that's not what I'm asking here.

+

>I don't see "figure it out" as carte blanche. I see it as "figure out a way to solve this." I figured out different ways and asked the bride - who should have final say in the matter - which she preferred. That's not "dumping it on the bride." It was also not the question I asked.

Is OOP's daughter overweight?

>I don't think it matters here, but I will say that my daughter is not overweight. The dress doesn't fit purely because she's growing up.

"INFO: Did she name call your kid to you in privately or in front of your daughter?

She's still 100% the AH unquestionably, but I'm an internet stranger concerned about your kid's mental health and want to make sure she is OK and didn't hear this cruel fat shaming."

>In private. Otherwise, her dentist would be buying a new car.

AITAH has no consensus bot. OOP was voted NTA based on the comments, but there were several YTAs as well.

Update - August 22, 2025 (6 months later)

Hey guys. I wasn’t going to update, but a friend of mine brought the situation up a few days ago and I remembered posting here.

After my post back in March, I didn’t hear anything from Debbie for a while. I did speak to my friends a lot, and they told me that she did continue trying to get them on her side for a while.

From what I gather, her story always matched mine: I forgot to make sure the dress fit, I apologized and asked how she preferred I fixed it, she insulted my kid (and as I remember discussing in the comments, “whale of a daughter” is a better translation). 

Everyone continued taking my side. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one Debbie had problems with before the wedding, my case was just the worst one.

There’s no doubt that the dress fiasco was my fault. I had a lot going on at the time and several reasons why I forgot to make sure it fit sooner, but no excuse can change the fact that I messed up. 

But I still don’t think giving Debbie options on how I could proceed was the wrong move. I’ve been a bride before, and I wouldn’t want someone else to make a decision about my wedding without giving me the final say. And I can’t ignore that her reaction was to insult my daughter.

Debbie first texted me in June. She asked me to help her clear the air with everyone, because most of our mutuals hadn’t spoken to her since April. I was tired of all this, so I told everyone that Debbie had already apologized to me. I made it very clear that while we’re no longer friends, I sincerely don’t care whether they remain in contact with her or not.

She texted me once again early in July. She told me that a couple of our mutuals were talking to her again, but it wasn’t the same as it used to be. She asked me whether I was still mad at her. I told her I’m not, and I wish her the best, but I don’t think we can continue this friendship.

I said I was sorry for the dress fiasco and I understood that she was stressed at the time, but I’ll never be able to look past what she did. It would have taken her less time to give me directions than it took to call my daughter a whale. I can forgive rudeness with time, but not insults, especially towards my children.

We haven’t spoken since. I haven’t blocked her, but I have no intention of reaching out again, and I don’t think she does either. Some of our mutuals are speaking to her again. Both my best friends from that group want nothing to do with her. 

I sincerely don’t care what anyone does. I won’t pretend this never happened, but I’ve moved on. Like I said, I’m not mad anymore.

My daughter will be a flower girl at my cousin’s wedding in December, and my family is doing very well. Life has been crazy for a while, but things are finally getting calmer.

I won’t post here again. Thank you for your time.

Relevant Comments:

What were the reasons floating around for the year long delay on the wedding?

>I heard she had problems with her in-laws at some point, but I also heard it had something to do with the venue. Early on, she also claimed that both she and her (now) husband were busy at work. I vaguely remember hearing at least two more reasons, but I don't remember them well and can't confirm anything.

"Honestly love how adult you were over it all vs scorched earth. Can definitely forgive never have to forget or be friends after being wronged"

>Scorched earth tends to be more exhausting than it's worth, honestly, and I was already under a lot of stress at the time. I probably wouldn't even have told anyone what happened if I hadn't been questioned about it.

"Honestly I'm still blown away by the fact that you, a mother with a child that can outgrow their clothes in a few months didn't think to check if the clothing still fit after a year. Like you thought the dress would magically stay the size that your daughter was for more than a year and didn't even think about checking it until a few days before the wedding. I just find it hard to believe that a part of this wasn't subconsciously purposeful. Like you weren't really up for the occasion and dreading having to go through all the work of attending a wedding with a child that was in the wedding. Which I get 100%. I'm what you would consider an old spinster and though I've never had my own children I have 17 nieces and nephews and even I, who has never raised a child, knows that up until they're like 14 I have no expectation that something I bought for them to wear would still fit 4 months later let alone a whole year. Me. A person who has changed one diaper in my entire life understands this. So I find it hard to believe that an actual mother did not think about this for such a big event. Inconveniently forgot to think about it until like a few days before the wedding. Again not excusing the friends behavior I just think part of you self-sabotage this a little bit and you're kind of not owning up to that" (Downvoted)

>I'm sorry, but how am I not owning up to that? I have acknowledged multiple times (on my original post, in this update and in comments, not to mention to my friends) that I messed up.

>She delayed her wedding by almost a year. Like I said in this post, I had a lot going on at the time. To name a few things that happened in the time it took for the wedding day to arrive, my father had a heart attack and my husband had issues at work. I also have three children and a job.

>I did not mention any of that because, like I said, these are still excuses, and none of them change the fact that I should have checked the dress. All of that being said, it was still an honest mistake. I didn't think the dress would "magically stay the size that my daughter was for more than a year," I just forgot to check (which I know was my fault). And I did want to go to the wedding, even if I wasn't thinking about it all the time.

Top Comment:

"Good update. Glad your daughter still gets to be a flower girl for someone. Hopefully your ex friend has done some serious reflecting on her behavior. All it takes is one thing said in a moment to ruin relationships forever."

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

I am NOT OP. That is u/AdvisorBetter2381. He posted in r/AmItheAsshole.

Trigger Warning: >!favoritism, sexism, misogyny and parental neglect!<

Mood Spoiler: >!happy ending, but not for OOP!<

Original post - January 12, 2025

I (38 M) have been married to my wife (34 F) for 7 years. We have 4 kids together, aged 7,6,4,and 4. 6yo and 4yo are boys, 7yo and 4yo are girls. Me and my wife got into a pretty big argument recently and I need unbiased opinions. 

I feel like I've always been closer to my sons rather than my daughters. You know I'm a boy, I like boy stuff, so do they. I don't like princesses or dolls. So I've always gravitated towards my sons because we have more in common. 

Anyways the argument started after my wife had put the kids to bed one night. I was laying down and she came into the room and confronted me about what my 7yo daughter had just told her. According to my wife, as she was tucking my daughter into bed she started crying and asked, “ Why doesn't daddy like me”. My wife told me that the kids notice how I treat them differently and I needed to stop acting like I hated my daughters. I told her I don't hate them, but we don't have anything in common. She was pissed and started yelling at me about how immature I was being immature. I think it's stupid. Obviously dads are going to be closer to their sons, that's just how the brain works. I tried explaining this to her and she just didn't listen. She left and I think she went to sleep in my daughter's bed. I'm not sure.

So am I the asshole? I just want my wife to understand what I'm saying and she's not listening to me.

Relevant Comments:

"So… your daughter at the young age of seven has already picked up on the fact that her father dismisses her and her interests and makes no effort to find some common ground or mutual interest they might bond over? Or that he’s incapable of occasionally feigning his interest in some of the books or toys she likes, probably because he worries that his precious masculinity might take a hit?

Yeah, it sounds like YTA."

>I just don't think I should waste my time doing something that I literally have no interest in. I don't like playing dolls. She can play that with her mom and her sister. If she wants to do something she can pick something that we both enjoy.

"You daughter thinks you don’t like her. This is beyond “I’m not into princesses stuff”

Also, why does it matter if you’re into it, she is. Put in a tutu and dance with her.

YTA"

>Im not wearing a tutu

"This is absolutely insane. Your 7 year old broke down crying because she thinks you don’t like her."

>My girls cry over everything. I know it upset her but I don't think it should be this big a deal

VERDICT: YTA

Later that day, OOP's wife (u/Complete_Shelter4109) finds the post and leaves a comment (here):

I am the wife. I found this post because when i went into our room to get my charger he was asleep but his laptop was still open with this reddit thread. Idiot. I don't even have a reddit account so i needed to make this just so i can post here. 

First I can assure you this is not fake as many of you here are suggesting. Here are a few other things my husband has done that he conveniently left out of his initial post. 

• My daughter started crying to him about if he didnt like her, not to me. She only came to me when he didn't care
• My husband has taken our sons on multiple vacations without our daughters. Using my money might I add. My daughters were told that it was a boys trip and no girls were allowed
• He refused to do both of my girls' daddy daughter dances this past christmas because he thought it was stupid. I danced with them instead. 
• He tried to make my girls clean up their brothers mess because “its a girls job to clean”

I could go on for hours.

I want to give everyone some more context. My husband “works” from home. By working from home I mean he is completely unemployed. I am the sole breadwinner for the family. I am a doctor. I take sole responsibility in caring for the kids. He does literally nothing. I bring them to all of their sporting events, school events, appointments, ect. Ever since we had kids he was detached from our daughters. He used the same excuse he said in here, he's a boy and doesn't like girl stuff. It's pretty hard to not get along with small children. They quite literally will do anything. My 7 year old would go run through the mud if it meant she got to play with her dad for 5 minutes. It's heartbreaking to see how much she yearns for a relationship with him. This is not super important but my daughter loves “boy stuff”. She likes to go fishing with her grandpa and playing video games with her brother. So the excuse of her not liking boy stuff is dumb. He just doesn't like his daughter

A lot of people are probably wondering why I married him in the first place and why I haven't divorced him yet. To answer the first question, I was young and stupid. I ignored red flags and have now ended up here. I have put off divorce for so long strictly because it is hard to get a divorce. I am riddled with student loan debt so I really couldn't afford it while taking care of 4 kids. This might have made me an asshole for not leaving sooner but I'm done now. This has sealed the deal for me. I've been crying all night thinking about my daughters. Not only them but I know my sons are not being treated right either. My 6 year old has noticed how his father treats his sisters and it makes him so sad. He has offered his spot on vacation multiple times so that one of his sisters can go and his dad says no.  I'm done with this. So when he wakes up tomorrow he will be told to leave MY house ( that i own) and that he will be hearing from my lawyer. I'm not putting up with him or any of his bs anymore. 

I love my kids more than life itself. Tomorrow morning I am going to take all 4 of them out on an ice cream date while he packs his things. No limit on how much they can buy, they deserve it. Thanks reddit for showing him how stupid he is, and thank you for going to bat for me and my children. Have a good night

OOP's wife posts an update on her profile - July 19, 2025

Hi reddit.

About 6 months ago my ex posted an AITAH post about being closer to our sons than our daughters. I found the post and made a comment under it. I have linked the post here. You can scroll and find my comment I haven't really been back on reddit since that night but I came check it today and noticed I had a bunch of messages asking for an update so I figured I would give one here.

I don't want to go into to much detail about everything just to protect my and my kids privacy but long story short we are doing great. My ex has moved out of the house and after we started to court process he has lost all custody he had of all the kids. He definitely fought for it but I had enough proof to block him from that. He doesn't have any visitation. Nothing. In the states divorce is a long and complicated process so it will take a while for everything to be official, but we are heading in that direction.

My kids are doing great. They were all put in some kind of therapy and are healing. Ive seen a change in all of them and Im so proud of how strong they have been.

To everyone who went to bat for me and my kids thank you. Redditors can be crazy but I feel like I got the best outcome. You guys were all so supportive and I can't thank you enough.

To other women in a similar situation as me. I promise you will feel so much better Ince you leave. Its hard, and probably going to be one of the hardest things you will do, but the outcome is so worth is.

And lastly to my kids. I hope you never find this post, but if you do, hopefully when you're a lot older, just know I am so proud of you guys. Mom loves you more than the world and I know you guys will do great things. Keep being the shining light in my life. Love you guys

Once again thank you reddit for all of your help, this will be my final update <3

Relevant Comments:

"I’m oddly curious, did he actually fight for time with all the kids or just your boys?"

>Surprisingly he fought for time with all the kids, more recently though he's put in requests for supervised visits with my oldest son. Those have been denied.

"Congrats on tossing out the trash of a husband and father! I'm so happy you and your kids are free from him and can now begin the healing process. Mind if I ask, how did he take the divorce?"

>He didn't take it well. It was a lot of "No I'll try to be better" but I didn't want to hear it. He contacted my friends and family a bunch of times but he seems to have calmed down now. He's moved in with his mom last I heard

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/OddResolution5357

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for telling my daughter that my in-laws are stupid?

Trigger Warnings: >!bullying, physical assault!<

Mood Spoilers: >!satisfied for OOP!<

---

Original Post: May 29, 2025

My wife and I have three kids. Our youngest, “Emily,” turned 6 last Sunday.

We recently had to deal with an issue in Emily’s school. Last year, a new student joined her class and started bullying her. He’d make fun of her, call her names and steal her stuff to hide it around the school. On two occasions, the bullying got physical. It took us a while to sort everything out, because the boy’s parents were a nightmare and nothing the school did worked. Finally, they threatened to expel him if he didn’t leave our daughter alone, and his family got him to stop. He hasn’t bothered Emily in months, and she is doing much better.

Because of how much of an ordeal this ended up being, many of our friends and family members know what happened. Most were as frustrated as we were, but my wife’s stepmother “Patty” thought the whole thing was cute. Even after we told her everything the boy did, she still insisted he probably just liked Emily and didn’t know how to show it.

For whatever reason, she’s fixated on this. Every time the subject comes up, Patty says she still thinks we’re being dramatic and the boy deserves another chance. My father-in-law fluctuates between being angry at the school and agreeing the boy was probably harmless. They never spoke about this near the kids, and my wife and I don’t give a shit what they think anyway, so we never worried much about this.

We’re throwing Emily a birthday party this Saturday. Because my FIL will be busy, we all had dinner together at a place Emily likes the day before her birthday. Near the end of the dinner, she started talking about her party, how excited she was and which of her friends were coming.

My FIL asked Emily if the bully was invited. And before anyone replied (he obviously isn’t), Patty added that it would be mean if she didn’t invite him, because he liked her and would be very sad.

Emily looked at me and my wife. I told her “Don’t worry honey, grandpa and Patty are both very stupid. Don’t listen to them.” They looked shocked, but didn’t try to argue. We had an awkward goodbye and went our separate ways.

My FIL called us on Monday. He apologized for what he and Patty said, but told us he expected me to apologize as well. He said that I crossed a line by insulting him and his wife in front of his grandchildren.

My wife and I have been on the same page throughout all this. But yesterday, she told me she was starting to wonder whether it wouldn’t have been better to deal with this privately, especially since we don’t like insulting people in front of the kids.

AITA?

EDIT: I've brought this up in the comments, but I want to offer more context on what the bully did.

It was mostly verbal. He created a few nicknames that kind of (not really) sounded like Emily's real name and our last name. She once got brown paint on her clothes during art class and he started calling her "pig." He laughed whenever she spoke in class. The teacher would always shut him down, but Emily is already a shy kid and that didn't help.

They have weekly "toy days" at school, and Emily stopped bringing her toys because the boy kept stealing them or threatening to break them. He'd also take her stuff (backpack, school materials and personal items) and hide them. We managed to get all those things back, and the closest he got to damaging something she owned was a small rip in one of her stuffed animals that my wife was able to fix.

And as I mentioned, the bullying got physical twice. On the first occasion, he pushed her off a swing set. She scraped her knees, but wasn't hurt otherwise. The school reprimanded him, but it didn't do much. A few weeks after that, he put gum in her hair during lunch. A teacher witnessed and said that he grabbed her head violently to do so. That got him suspended, and the school threatened to expel him not long after.

I don't think there's much I can say about this boy, except that he has very obvious behavioral issues that his parents refuse to manage properly.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA with a few YTAs

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA

You have told Patty to knock it off and then she went and tried to ruin your kid's birthday party by asking to invite that nightmare of a child to attend. She needs to get over her fixation before she pushes your family away from your dad and her.

> OOP: I'm really glad we didn't do this dinner on her actual birthday. Emily was upset, but she was doing better the next day.

Commenter 2: NTA I wouldn't apologize they were out of line. You have to take bullying seriously kids are harming themselves, just from being bullied. And they really need to stop with he likes her and ment no harm. Nothing is cute about being bullied and harassed.

> OOP: Patty's whole attitude about this has been infuriating. We've barely spoken about this boy in months, but she feels the need to bring him up every single time.

Commenter 3: There was probably no other way to make your MIL shut up, so NTA. What I find disturbing is that your MIL prioritises a bully over her own grandchild! Since when is bullying a sign of affection? If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck chances are it is a duck. Seen in a wider context your MIL enables and makes excuses for the kind of toxic behaviour that men display towards women on a daily basis. Instead of protecting her grandchild, she exposes her to a bully: that's seriously insane.

> OOP: Back when we were having to deal with the boy's parents, one of the excuses they used (referring to the name-calling) was that all boys behaved like that around girls. I think about that a lot. Both because I know it's not true (neither of my sons are like that, nor did I act like that when I was a child) and because of how disheartening it is that people could enable that.

Downvoted Commenter: YTA. You just called your FIL a name in front of your daughter. They’re from a different generation. Yes, they were wrong. But so are you. They aren’t just your in-laws that’s your wife’s parents and your daughter’s grandparents.

You owe your wife, your daughter, and them an apology.

> OOP: Firstly, Patty is not my wife's mother or my children's grandmother. That's my mother-in-law, who is still alive and kicking. > > Secondly, my FIL is in his 60s, so not that old. I don't really consider that a good reason to be soft. You can absolutely make the argument that I should apologize, but not for that reason.

Commenter 4: Patty downplaying your daughter’s trauma in front of her would be it for me. I wouldn’t let ANYONE around one of my kids that tried to downplay or minimize the hurt they had suffered by their bully and I’d tell them that. I’d definitely take a timeout from seeing Patty for awhile because I’m sure her comment confused your daughter.

> OOP: Emily cried on the way home, we had to tell her she wasn't being mean to the boy.

OOP gives an example of the physical assault

> OOP: The physical harm part is being brought up pretty often, so I'll take the opportunity to clarify what I mean by this: > > On the first occasion, he pushed her off a swing set. She scraped her knees, but wasn't hurt otherwise. The school reprimanded him, but it didn't do much. A few weeks after that, he put gum in her hair during lunch. A teacher witnessed and said that he grabbed her head violently to do so. That got him suspended, and the school threatened to expel him not long after.

What steps did the school take to deal with the bullying situation?

> OOP: The school actually handled everything better than we expected, but we could tell they were having trouble with it because the boy was very difficult to deal with. Transferring him to a different class didn't work, sending notes to his home didn't work, setting up meetings between us and his parents didn't work. Not even suspending him worked. We could always tell the school was trying, but nothing they did stopped him or convinced his parents to do something until they threatened to expel him.

Does Patty have any kids?

> OOP: She doesn't have kids. My wife and her sister don't consider her a second mom, either.

&nbsp;

Update: June 4, 2025 (six days later)

I'm very grateful for the advice and support you gave me on my first post.

To get it out of the way, Emily's birthday party went off without a hitch, and she had a great time with her friends. It's always bittersweet watching our little girl grow up so fast, but me and my wife enjoyed ourselves as well.

We talked more about what happened over the last few days. My wife made it very clear that she didn't care that I called her father and Patty stupid and didn't think I should apologize, but was concerned about our kids thinking I was a hypocrite. We always aim to teach them to be kind and avoid insulting others, and it doesn't feel fair to hold them to standards we don't hold ourselves to.

So Friday night, we sat the kids down and discussed what I'd said. We explained that I was upset at what my in-laws had done and was trying to protect Emily, but that what I said was still not nice and they shouldn't repeat it. I apologized for the language I used.

Besides that, my wife and I also talked about how we'd deal with her father and Patty. I told her I wanted them to apologize to Emily, and I wouldn't say a word to them until they did. She agreed with me. After the party, she texted her father the following (this is a translation):

"The party went well. About what happened at Emily's birthday dinner... (my name) will not apologize. Patty has no right to tell our daughter how she should feel about the boy who made her life hell for months, and neither do you. I'll call you tomorrow and you'll apologize to your granddaughter. If your wife wants to continue being a part of the children's lives, she will too. And if she mentions that boy again, I'll have to seriously rethink the role we're letting her have here. This isn't up for discussion."

She showed me the text before sending it, but I agreed with pretty much everything. They had a short fight about it, but he agreed in the end. I offered to apologize to keep the peace and my wife told me not to.

Both my FIL and Patty finally apologized to Emily on Sunday. We're not confident about Patty, but my FIL seemed sincere. Either way, we've decided to loosen our ties with my wife's stepmother for a while. We're still working everything out, but we'll see her less until at least my eldest son's birthday (October).

I have no doubts my FIL loves my children, but he's a very strange guy. He was overprotective of his daughters their whole youths, but frequently tells us we're dramatic when it comes to our kids. And I never had any strong feelings about Patty, but her treatment of Emily's situation has soured my image of her.

On a side note, the bully found out about the party. His mother found my wife on Instagram and messaged her to complain that he wasn't invited. My wife reminded her of the day the school threatened to kick her son out. No reply as of today.

I didn't know what to expect when I posted here, but I was glad to see that even those who thought I was in the wrong agreed that Emily and her wellbeing came first. At the end of the day, that's all I really care about.

This will be my only update. Thanks everyone.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Glad everything worked out. As for the bully not being invited to the party but finding out, FAFO. Maybe if his parents didn't raise him to be mean to other kids, it wouldn't be an issue.

> OOP: His parents enabled and found excuses for everything he did up until the consequences got too severe. The one time my daughter physically defended herself and the few times my sons yelled at him to defend her were upsetting to them. They disapproved of everything the school did to protect Emily (including moving their son to a different class).

Commenter 2: I'm glad you taught your daughter that abusive peers don't 'like her'. That kind of thinking is insane. I'm 60 and I hated hearing it when young.

> OOP: Both me and my wife hate it too. It was especially infuriating when we were having to deal with the bully and his parents and Patty started trying to convince us that the boy had a crush on Emily. > > Hearing that the kid who was tormenting my daughter on an almost daily basis was "just a cute little boy who didn't know how to deal with being in love" was maddening.

Any chances that Patty knows or is friends with the bully's parents?

> OOP: Highly doubt it. We never gave Patty or my FIL any last names, and they're not involved with my children's school otherwise. Both of the boy's parents also have very common first names.

Commenter 3: It’s hard enough watching your child go through something like that, but when the other parents enable the behavior instead of taking responsibility, it just makes everything worse. I’m glad your kids stood up for Emily, sounds like they did the right thing even when the adults didn’t.

> OOP: I guess it would be hard to watch someone call your sister a pig and not do something about it. My sons are both older than Emily and the bully, so I'm glad they didn't get physical, but I'm proud of them for defending her.

Commenter 4: why the heck would that kids parents care about your daugther having a birthday party?? my god theyre deranged

> OOP: They didn't actually parent their child until the school threatened to expel him. Their reaction does not surprise me. > > My wife showed me the mother's text. She essentially said it wasn't fair to exclude her son and gave some of the same excuses for his behavior she had given during our meetings at the school.

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Editor’s note: marking this concluded as OOP has resolved the issue and will not update further

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DO N OT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OP. That is u/NoOrlando_25. She posted in r/AITAH.

Trigger Warning: >!manipulation, emotional abuse, entitled behavior!<

Mood Spoiler: >!OOP and family are okay!<

Original post - May 5, 2025

I’ll preface this by saying I don’t have the best relationship with my father, and his partner “Blair” is a big part of the reason why. While I don’t hate her, she is extremely obnoxious and childish. She’s also horrible with boundaries. It feels like any time someone tells her “no,” she hears “maybe.” She’s been like this for as long as I’ve known her, but it’s become harder to deal with since I had children, so I try to keep some distance.

Anyway, Blair and my father are planning on going to Orlando in July. About a month ago, she asked whether me, my husband and our kids (7M and 3F) wanted to join them. I thanked her for inviting us, but said no, because we’re planning on going next January and there’s a pretty big chance I’ll have to work in July. Also (and I didn’t say this to her), we’ve been to Orlando with her before and my husband has stated he'd rather eat glass than do it again.

A week later, Blair told me they were getting their tickets and asked me whether I was sure we wouldn’t join them. I said I was. Days after that, my sister called me - Blair had told her I was “thinking about going” while inviting her and her boyfriend. I, once again, told Blair we wouldn’t go.

Finally, Blair asked me if I’d be okay with her and my father taking my kids to Orlando. I said no, because we’re not even in the same hemisphere as the U.S. and I wouldn’t let my young children travel to a different country without me or my husband.

Last week, my sister babysat my kids while my husband and I went out. While we were gone, Blair visited to drop off a gift she and my father had bought for my husband. She also took the opportunity to tell my children we were all going to Orlando in July.

My daughter didn’t care about it much at first (I think she didn’t really register it), but my son got very excited right away. He kept talking about how much he wanted to go to Disney and asking about the trip. And after watching her big brother like that, my daughter jumped on the bandwagon with him. It was both heartbreaking and infuriating to watch them like that.

I called Blair and said she had two options: either she told my kids she’d lied and they weren’t going to Orlando or I did. I added that if she told them, she’d have the opportunity to apologize and explain herself, but if I did, I would not do that for her.

Blair chose to call my children herself. I kept the phone on speaker to make sure she was apologizing, explaining everything, and making it clear we wouldn't go to Orlando in July. Both my children (especially my son) were upset, but by husband and I had a talk with them and managed to cheer them up.

My father texted me yesterday. He said that he didn't appreciate the way I dealt with this. Blair is still upset and thinks my kids are mad at her now. He wants me to apologize or at least try to get my kids to forgive her, but I don't see why I should. She was the one who lied to my children, and I'm not responsible for Blair's feelings.

We're still on this back-and-forth, and I can tell neither of us is particularly proud about this. AITA?

Relevant Comments:

"NTA. Of course Blair thinks your kids are mad at her - they should be. Blair created this situation by lying to them and now she gets to accept the consequences.

You can certainly discuss with your kids what it means to forgive someone who has done something wrong - everyone needs to give and receive forgiveness at some point. But the ideal result is for your kids to tell Blair that they forgive her for lying to them when they are ready to do so. That will reinforce Blair’s responsibility for this situation."

>My daughter isn't mad. She's upset, but mostly about the situation, rather than anyone specifically. My son is very much upset at Blair.

"I would seriously consider a NC period until Blair learns that lying has consequences."

>I've considered going LC with Blair for a while. Not due to lies (this was the first time she lied to my kids), but because dealing with her genuinely feels like dealing with a child.

+

>Speaking from experience, NC is complicated. And even if it wasn't, I'm not ready to cut ties with my father. Our relationship is far from perfect, but there is a lot of love between us and I'm willing to keep fighting for that.

More on OOP's father and Blair:

>My father does see the issue, but he's been infantilizing Blair for years. And given that she does act like a child, I don't see this stopping anytime soon.

+

>As much as I generally have no issue with my father's relationship with Blair, a big problem I do have with it is that I feel like I'm the only person who says no to her. Whenever my father does say no, which already doesn't happen often, she ignores him. She's used to doing what she wants without anyone stopping her.

>Most of the time, I don't care. It doesn't really affect me that much. I do not tolerate this when it comes to matters related to my children, and I've made that very clear in the past. I think that's why I didn't expect her to lie to them.

"Let your father know that YOU don't appreciate the way BLAIR handled not getting her way, and that you handled the situation exactly like you would have if one of your children told a lie. You also need to address how her lie made your children feel.

Blair believed you would give in and let them go if she got them all excited, or that you would be the bad guy if you didn't."

>I explained why we wouldn't go more than once, so I genuinely don't know why she ever expected me to change my mind.

+

>I genuinely can't go to Orlando in July. I will almost definitely be busy for at least half the month, have no desire to deal with the Florida weather when it will be winter in my country, and don't have enough patience to deal with Blair and both my children at multiple theme parks. Financially, we could technically afford to go now, but our trip will be better and more comfortable if we do it in January. Also, my children will be 8 and 4 by then, which feel like better ages for this trip.

"NTA, I personally would bar Blair from having contact with my children for this lie. The kids have every right to be mad at Blair. Side note you may want to consider Disney France or Japan with all the horrible things happening to visitors to the US, it definitely would NOT be safe to have your kids travel to the US, I can’t imagine the trauma if they’d be put in separate detention rooms."

>We're still doing research on how possible it would be to go to Orlando next year, but we do have an Eurotrip (including Disneyland Paris) as a backup plan.

"It sure sounds like your sister told Blair y'all were gone so Blair could swoop in and lie to your kids."

>No, I knew Blair would stop by (my husband's birthday was this weekend), and so did my sister. I'd figured Blair would just leave the gift with the doorman.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was voted NTA based on the comments.

Update - May 13, 2025

I want to start off by saying my kids are both doing well. My daughter’s birthday is coming up, which she’s very excited about. My son is also doing better, but he’s still a little upset. A few days after my first post, I was tucking him in when he asked me why Blair had been mean to them. 

There was no way to answer that question that felt fair to my children. She lied to them because she wanted to. She did what she did to manipulate us. I don’t know whether she expected me and my husband to put our careers and sanities on hold to join them in July or to let her take our children to fucking Florida without their parents. Either way, it’s not happening.

We weren’t sure how to deal with this. Going low contact felt too much like a “maybe,” which I already know means “yes” in Blair, but cutting ties felt like too much. In the end, we decided on a “time out” period. She won’t have any type of contact with the kids until the holidays. We’ll extend that period if necessary.

I told both her and my father about this over the weekend. She cried, and my father and I fought again. There wasn’t really anything remarkable about what was said at first. It just felt the same as other fights we’ve had in the past, so I didn’t register much. Then he started comparing Blair to my children. One of the things he said was: “When kids are excited about something, it’s fine, but when Blair is, you have to rain on it?”

That’s what really pissed me off. I told him Blair is not a child. If he wants to treat her like one, that’s on them. But he can’t expect me to parent a 40-something year old woman who can’t understand the word “no” when it’s said to her.

I did have another conversation with my father the next day, and it was more peaceful. He apologized for most of what he said, but a lot of it sounded like damage control. I told him we needed some space. We’re not cutting ties, but we’ll probably have less contact for a while.

In retrospect, I think I wrote that original post because I couldn’t understand where Blair was coming from. Now I realize I don’t have to. I’ve been tolerating Blair’s behavior for years, but I can’t allow my kids to be affected by it again.

I think I explained my family mostly well in the comments last time, but feel free to ask me whatever you want to know.

Thank you for your reassurance.

Relevant Comments:

"Good job at putting up boundaries and enforcing them.

My MIL had about 4 to 5 years of time out. And my oldest is only 7. Some people never learn."

>Wouldn't be surprised if we ended up not seeing Blair until after our trip next year.

"OP it’s the fact that your father compared his partner to children for me. SMH 🤦🏾‍♀️. That’s says a lot about their relationship, and what you’ve been putting up with. Just Wow!!!"

>My father infantilizes Blair a lot, which paired with the fact she seems to enjoy acting like a child, makes spending time with her extremely exhausting. I feel like he expects me to extend the love and empathy I have for my children to Blair as well, which I've always refused to do.

"Is the age gap too big?"

>A little under 20 years, but they've been together for a while.

"NTA, I mean, who lies to kids like that? And Blair's not a child herself. But hey, at least it's not us dealing with the tantrums this time, am I right?"

>Dealing with kids is easier. Even an entitled child is not as unpleasant as an entitled adult. I said this in a different comment, but going to Orlando with Blair when my son was a toddler was jarring. My 2 year old was much easier to deal with than her.

More on Blair:

>She still talks about how sad she got when I didn't invite her to my college graduation (I had a max number of invites and a huge family). Not much happened on my wedding, but she did get upset none of her family members were invited.

+

>I hate the idea of Florida in July too. Blair decided to go right now because it's the earliest she can visit Epic Universe.

"Make sure to keep the details from her, or she’ll “surprise” you at Disney on your trip!"

>Pretty sure she can't afford two almost back-to-back trips to Orlando.

"Is she overall good with the kids? Once they are old enough to survive on their own under her care, it may not be so bad to palm them off on her occasionally. I have obnoxious relatives, too, but if they are good with kids, and the kids like them, I wouldn't object to them taking them on expensive vacations now and then - then you and hubby could enjoy some time on your own. 😄" (Downvoted)

>I'd rather leave my children with a cardboard cutout of Mrs. Doubtfire.

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MissionAtmosphere16

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for cutting my wife's stepmother off from my kids until she deletes her Instagram account?

Trigger Warnings: >!invasion of privacy, emotional manipulation!<

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Original Post: January 3, 2025

My wife and I have two children (8M and 5F) and we’re expecting a third. Since our eldest was born, we have been clear and consistent about not wanting pictures of them posted online. It was my wife’s idea, but still a mutual decision.

Most of our friends and family have no problem with that, but we’ve had problems with my wife’s stepmother. She has, on several occasions, posted photos of our children on her Instagram account without our consent. Most are harmless (pictures of her with them or family photos with more people in them), but there have been a few times she took pictures of the kids behind their backs and posted them.

Every time we see a photo of our children on her Instagram page, we tell her to delete it. She always does, but the next time she sees them, it happens again. We have been having this discussion with her since our daughter was born. She never listens.

Anyway, my family spent New Year’s Eve at a rented beach house with some of my wife’s paternal family. We returned home on Jan. 1st. That same day, my wife’s stepmother posted several pictures from the trip. Buried between them were three photos of our kids on the beach. They’re both wearing swimsuits and (except for one of the pictures) don’t seem aware they’re being photographed.

My wife and I talked, and we both agreed we’ve given her stepmother enough chances. As long as she’s active on social media, she will continue posting pictures of our children without our consent.

We called her yesterday and said that she won’t be allowed to see our kids unless she deletes her Instagram account. That means she won't have any kind of contact with them, receive pictures or be invited to their events.

She cried during the call, and tried to promise us she would delete the New Year’s Eve post and never do anything like this again, but we told her we can’t trust her. She can keep her account if she wants to, but she won’t be allowed near our kids if she does.

My father-in-law (who is also against posting pictures of children on social media) called my wife last night. He agreed that her stepmother crossed a line, but said cutting her off from our children was an exaggeration. He said she has just started to make money with social media, but she also loves our kids very much, and it's cruel to force her to choose.

I don’t think we’re in the wrong here, but I’m still worried we’re taking this too far. AITA?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the unanimous votes of NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You've been telling her to stop doing this for FIVE YEARS? NTA.

> OOP: She started doing this around the same time my daughter was born. She eased up during the pandemic (though it was probably because we barely sent her pictures of them then), but went back to it as soon as she started seeing the kids again.

Commenter 2: How exactly is she sneaking pics if you are supervising? It's sounds more and more like you just don't like your in-laws and want to phase them out. You are going to wreck your marriage if your wife is even remotely close to her parents and you force this.

> OOP: She once took a picture of my daughter while she was pretending to text her mother. She finds a way. > > I have nothing against my in-laws (I actually get along well with FIL). My wife is not close with her stepmother, and I wouldn't cut ties with FIL without consulting her first. She is completely on my side.

Downvoted Commenter: What’s the point of grandkids if you can’t show off a picture of them or with them? I’m a parent of two daughters and as long as it’s family oriented photo with clothes on I could care less what my family posts. Why do you suck the joy out of the grandparents for harmless photos?

> OOP: The point of grandkids is absolutely not posting pictures of them online. And the second a picture of my child is posted without my consent, it's no longer harmless.

Commenter 3: Nta. If you think it might be genuine, give another shot. Seems like this time it struck a nerve. Maybe she will remember. What is your wife’s relationship like with her dad and step mom? Seems like that would be a relevant part of this discussion.

> OOP: I don't think it's genuine. She's been apologizing and saying she'd stop for 5 years. I've heard a hundred different excuses for posting pictures of my children ("It was an accident", "I forgot you guys didn't like this", "It was so cute, I couldn't help myself"). > > My wife is not close with her stepmother (she started dating FIL when my wife was 20).

Commeneter 4: So make the policy no cell phones while children are there. If she takes out her cell phone the visit ends. Or have them come visit at your home and ask for cell phones to be put in a basket until they leave. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. How is her father supposed to see the children without his wife? It will cause problems in their marriage if he does, possibly divorce. How will it impact your wife and kids if they never see your father in law again? There are repercussions for such drastic measures.

> OOP: Prohibiting cell phones has already been suggested here, and I'd be willing to discuss this with my wife. That said, FIL can absolutely see my kids without his wife. And if we do have to cut ties with her, I'd expect him to.

Is OOP's wife willing to cut her father off if he doesn't respect the boundaries?

> OOP: You don't know my wife. > > My kids don't think of my wife's stepmother as a grandparent. They'd be upset about my FIL, but we know how to talk to them about this.

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Update: January 22 2025 (2.5 weeks later)

Hey folks. I thought I’d give you an update.

I think I got into a lot of detail in the comments, but I feel like I should mention the following:

• My wife’s stepmother is 45. I’m not “bullying the elderly” here.

• She has 60k followers on Instagram.

• Her Instagram account is not focused solely on my children. She started out as a “lifestyle” blogger. A few years ago, she started posting “family stuff” as well, and now at least half of her content revolves around that.

• She tries to post pictures of my kids every time she takes them. Almost every time we see her, she posts a new picture. She has also posted more photos of my daughter than of my son.

• Both me and my wife are on Instagram, but not very actively. She has a private account and another one for her job. I only have my personal account, in which I rarely post anything. Neither of us have ever posted our children’s faces in any of these accounts.

• My wife doesn’t see her stepmother as a parent (she started dating my father-in-law when my wife was 20), and they’re not very close. My children don’t see her as a grandmother, either.

• This isn’t about me looking for a reason to cut ties with my in-laws. I get along very well with my wife’s father, and besides her behavior concerning social media, I have no problem with her stepmother. I really shouldn’t have to explain why me and my wife don’t want pictures of our children online.

• If you are a parent who has no problem with others posting photos of your kids, that’s fine. I’m not here to change your mind, nor would I attempt to if I were. Your decisions regarding your children are your own, as are mine.

• None of us live in the United States.

I read your comments and talked things through with my wife. As upset as we are about this, we feel the need to deal with it fairly. So we have to take into consideration that:

1. Her stepmother’s account is not focused solely on our children; and

2. We had never threatened her with loss of contact before, so our ultimatum might have been too sudden.

That said, we are still not comfortable with our children being posted on social media, and we regret not effectively stopping this sooner. So however we move forward, we need to make it clear that we are serious about this boundary.

A few days ago, my wife and I met her father and stepmother at their place. We left the kids with my wife’s mother. We sat them down and told them we’d retract the ultimatum, but we don’t trust her stepmother not to sneak pictures of our children again.

We decided to propose something many of you suggested: a no-phone policy (which we would ALL abide by) whenever my wife’s stepmother saw our kids. She also would no longer receive any pictures of them from anyone. And if she ever posted a photo of our children anywhere again, then we would cut her off from them.

My father-in-law agreed right away, but his wife got offended. She said we couldn’t control how she used her phone. She tried to promise us she’d stop posting the kids again, but we said no. We can’t trust her anymore, and we have no intention of giving her more chances.

The four of us had an argument about this. My father-in-law mostly took our side. It lasted a while. My wife’s stepmother started by apologizing, but eventually started trying to defend herself. She told us she always thought we were overreacting, and that lots of people post pictures of their children online everyday without any problems.

We asked her why she was so insistent on posting pictures of our kids. She tried to dodge the question at first, but she admitted that posts with the kids got more engagement. She used the New Year’s post as an example. It was only up for a little over 24 hours before she took it down, but she claimed it was one of her most successful posts ever. When I asked her why she thought that had happened, she said it was because the kids “looked so cute in them.”

My wife looked at her stepmother and said “No, it’s because they’re barely dressed in them. You cannot convince us that a photo of our five-year-old daughter in a swimsuit is getting attention from thousands of strangers because she’s cute. Either you’re an idiot, or you know what you’re doing by posting these pictures.”

She started crying. She said her content was wholesome, her followers were good people, and we had no right to control her like that. My father-in-law was silent.

That’s when we gave up. We told her to keep her Instagram, but accept she is losing access to our kids. She tried more excuses (including “some of my followers think they’re my kids,” which my wife is especially furious about), but we stood our ground and went home.

My father-in-law called me and my wife later that night. He told us he was disappointed in his wife and was taking our side. We’re not sure how to deal with him. Neither of us want to cut him off, but we’re not certain we can trust him. My wife just told him we needed some space, and he said that was fine.

I’m exhausted, and my wife is doing even worse. But we've spoken about this, and we’re both also relieved. We’ve still got work to do, but nothing we can’t handle. For now, we have two amazing children and a baby on the way, and they will always be our #1 priority.

Thank you for all your support. I’m busy with the kids, so I can’t promise I’ll reply to as many comments this time, but I’ll do my best.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Still NTA. You’re not wrong to want to keep your kids images/info off the internet, my wife and I feel the same way about our kids. There are too many creeps/predators out there to take chances.

> OOP: We made that decision when our son was a toddler. The more stories we hear about what can happen to these pictures, the more we're convinced it was the right decision.

Commenter 2: Bruh, her account is public?? She’s pretending to be their mom?! Yeah step MIL is cut off. I’m deciding for you. I’m not even as restrictive with my kids pics, as long as my family has private accounts, I don’t mind. (No one has all that many followers and the ones they do are all people I know personally. We aren’t big on social media really). But damn, even with private accounts, I would still be uncomfortable with my 4 yr in a swimsuit on someone’s page. And then if anyone tried to claim fame by being my kids mom, I would just believe they’ve truly lost it. Unstable people have no room to be around my kids. NTA!!!

> OOP: She didn't really get into the "some of my followers think they're my kids" thing (that was literally all she said), but I'm inclined to believe it was more of a mistake she didn't correct than an actual lie she told them. My wife and I saw every post she made of our children, and she never claimed they were hers in the description.

Commenter 3: Did you make her delete all the existing pictures of them?? NTA of course.

> OOP: We made her delete every picture she ever posted of them. My wife would check her account frequently to make sure.

Commenter 4: You did your due diligence by offering to hear her out and find a middle ground solution. Then she revealed that not only does she have no intention of respecting your boundaries (because that’s the only reason to question and minimize them like she did), she’s been misleading people into thinking those are her children. I hope you’re now completely comfortable in permanently denying her access to your children.

> OOP: We're 100% fine with cutting her off. My wife and her were never close, and we're done giving her chances.

Commenter 5: Your wife‘s stepmother has shown her true colours. She values engagement not your kids. Your kids are a means to an end, she will never respect their privacy nor value a relationship with them.

I would stick with a no phone policy with your wife’s father and not send him photos of any of your kids. Any visit has to be supervised and under circumstances that you can fully control. I am sorry to say this but your wife’s father sounds like a hypocrite, he is against posting children’s photos on social media but did not actively stop his wife from posting photos of his grandkids on social media, what is worse one of them was his young grandkids in swimsuits. It would take a very long time before I can trust him, if at all.

> OOP: That's why we're not certain how to proceed here. We don't want to cut him off, but we can't ignore the fact it took him 5 years and an argument with his wife for him to start siding with us. Most likely, we'll lower our contact with him for a while.

Commenter 6: does stepmother understand that anyone can take those photos and do what they want with them including photoshopping their faces onto images of abuse? They don't have to be one of her 60k followers who she obviously can't vet individually.

Do you also have the option to report any images to IG if they occur or are still there? I know it's probably not very effective but if she's putting her IG account before family this might hit her where it hurts

> OOP: If this happens again, we're reporting it. Some people here have said Instagram tends to take these things seriously. > > To be honest, I think she does understand, and is doing this on purpose. This has been a problem for 5 years now. It got even worse a few months ago, when she started getting a couple minor brand deals. We explained why we have this boundary countless times, and she never made any effort to respect it.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/CreepyWifeThrway

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: 1, 2, 3

[New Update]: AITA for calling my father's wife a creep?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: >!emotional manipulation, favoritism, emotional child trauma, obsessive behavior!<

---

RECAP

Original Post: February 26, 2024

My (32F) father (60s) has been married to "Sasha" (fake name, 40s) for almost a decade. I was already an adult when they started seeing each other, so I never had much of a relationship with her. That said, Sasha was nice and thoughtful (though a bit annoying at times), and I never had any problems with her.

I now have a husband (34M) and two kids (9M and 4F). Sasha is very fond of my children, especially my daughter. That became very suffocating pretty quickly, so we started setting some boundaries. She never overstepped them.

In January, my father and Sasha decided to go on a trip to Disney World, and invited us to join them. We decided to go to celebrate our son's 9th birthday.

I quickly regretted coming along. Sasha spent the entire trip fussing over my daughter in ways that overstepped almost every boundary we'd set. Examples include:

• Sasha bought a Minnie ears tiara. She wanted me to buy my daughter an identical one so they could "match." My daughter didn't like the tiara, so I bought her a Donald Duck hat instead. Sasha got her the tiara anyway, and was upset that she didn't want to wear it.

• My father and Sasha went shopping in between parks. I told them not to buy my kids anything, as we still had shopping to do and didn't want to risk making our bags too heavy. Still, Sasha returned with 5 bags of clothing for my daughter (and 2 for my son), saying she "couldn't resist it."

• My daughter wanted a Belle costume to wear at the parks, as that's her favorite princess. Sasha tried to convince us to get her an Ariel costume instead, because that's her favorite. I explained that we never watched The Little Mermaid at home because my daughter is scared of Ursula.

• Sasha insisted on taking dozens of pictures with my daughter in front of the castle at Magic Kingdom. She also took some with my son, but not nearly as many.

• She tried to convince us to take our daughter to Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. We refused because the prices are crazy and we'd already bought her the Belle costume. She offered to pay, but we held our ground. I later found out Sasha tried to make a reservation anyway, but there was no availability.

• When we took our daughter to Slinky Dog Dash (her first roller coaster), Sasha tried to sit next to her. My daughter wanted to sit with me, so we switched. She tried to do the same thing in other attractions.

• At the Muppets theater, she tried to get my daughter to sit in her lap. Sasha also tried to pick her up while we met some of the characters.

There were more instances. The final straw for me, however, was the last park day of the trip. We were at Magic Kingdom. My husband suffered a minor injury and I had to take him to the first aid station. The kids wanted to go to the Peter Pan ride, so my dad and Sasha offered to take them in the meantime.

However, according to my father, the line was too long. So instead, Sasha suggested the Little Mermaid ride, assuring my kids Ursula wasn't on it. Actually, there's a pretty big Ursula animatronic there. My daughter was still sobbing and hugging her brother when we reunited.

When we flew back home, I told my father that we'd no longer take our children on trips with Sasha due to her behavior. He got extremely angry. He said his wife loved my kids, thought about what they'd like to do at every moment of the trip, and that we should be grateful to have her in our lives.

I lost my temper at that. I told him Sasha was a "fucking creep", and that they should be grateful I was still okay with them even seeing my children after her actions during the trip. We ended up having a huge fight after that.

It's been weeks since we returned home, and my father is still angry at me and my husband. Sasha has texted me a few times. She says she's sorry if she "made me uncomfortable", but that she loves my kids and hoped to use the trip to spend more time with them.

To be honest, I don't think I'm the AH here. But I do think I might have overreacted. I believe there's a chance Sasha's actions were motivated by love and she truly did have good intentions.

AITA?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Pickabetterusename: You’re NTA because you have your children’s best interests at heart. But it may benefit you and your dad’s relationship to understand why Sasha is like she is. Overstepping boundaries is easier for someone when they believe it’s for a good cause or to have fun in a “safe” way. Does she have kids of her own? Can she not have kids of her own? Does she maybe see the kids as her grandkids? It’s a difficult one but getting to the source of that could make the whole thing healthier. But on the other hand it’s not your job to put that work in when it’s your father’s relationship. All I’d suggest you do is explain to your father you set boundaries and regardless of intention, Sasha broke them which you do not condone. Good luck!

> OOP: Sasha doesn't have children of her own. My father has me and my sister, and has always been open about not wanting more kids. They're married, so I'm assuming she doesn't want kids either. > > I also don't think she sees my kids as grandchildren. She's always referred to herself as "Aunt Sasha" instead. When I got pregnant with my son, she commented she was "too young to be a grandma."

Significant_Cat_3: NTA you set some pretty clear boundaries that Sasha kept crossing the entire trip. Even your daughter seems to not be particularly receptive towards her. Also your son can probably pick up on this favoritism, and that’s not good for him either.

I don’t mean to do armchair psychology, but this reads like Sasha has always wanted a young daughter and is using your’s to live vicariously through. Hence why she kept trying to push things that your daughter doesn’t like onto her (Tiara, Little Mermaid ride, etc.)

> OOP: My son doesn't like Sasha. I'm not sure why, but I think he gets that she favors my daughter. He's also very protective of his sister, so her discomfort could also be a reason.

Beautiful-Story2811: NTA, she sounds exhausting. But...BUT... she also doesn't seem like a truly awful person.

"....so, we started setting some boundaries. She never overstepped them."

Question: Does she have children of her own? She probably sees your kids as a chance to play 'Mommy' if she's never had kids. She may not even be aware of exactly how intrusive she's being. Looks like there's a 20 year age gap between she and your dad... she probably thought she'd be okay with not having kids (I'm guessing your dad may have told her he's done having babies). But your little ones...especially your daughter... may have just stirred up those feelings and she's trying to compensate. I still don't think you're TA. But maybe have an honest talk with her...just you and her... and try and show a little grace.

My apologies if you've done all that already and she's still being a pill.

> OOP: You're right about a lot of things. She doesn't have kids, my dad doesn't want more children. And while she's defined herself as childfree before, she's also told me she'd always wondered what having a daughter would be like. > > My husband and I started setting boundaries because the situation was really bad when my daughter was younger. She'd wake her up from her naps when she visited, post pictures of her on social media without our approval and complain about almost every parenting decision we'd make because it "wasn't how she'd do it."

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Update #1: March 4, 2024 (1 week later)

Hey, everyone. I'm ready to give you an update.

I read your comments and came to the following conclusion: as much as Sasha's behavior towards my children angered me and freaked me out, calling her a "creep" was the wrong reaction to have.

That said, I think it's best for my family to distance itself from Sasha for the time being. And at the very least, my previous decision to avoid future trips with her based on the Disney trip is still the best course of action.

Sasha's pushiness, tendency to override my and my husband's parenting and blatant favoritism towards my daughter were much worse when the kids were younger. After my daughter's birth, she began to focus too much attention on her and almost none on my son. I gave more examples of that in the comments on my original post. That's the reason we set boundaries in the first place.

The way she fusses over my daughter also bothers me. When we had the boundary conversation with my father and Sasha, she told us that she'd always wondered what having a daughter would be like. She'd also defined herself as childfree before, so I was never certain what to think of that. Either way, that reassured me and my husband that we were doing the best for our kids.

Those boundaries had never overstepped. Then we went on the Disney trip, and most of them were completely ignored. Many of you pointed out that she might have gotten carried away, or that "Disney is exciting and she wanted to make sure my kids had the best experience", etc. There are two things I'll say to that:

The first is that whatever Sasha's reasons were, she still overstepped our boundaries. When we first set those, we told her that doing so would have consequences. Disney or not, I don't see a reason to make an exception.

Secondly, she wasn't trying to ensure my kids had the best experience. She was pushing them to fulfill her fantasy of what their Disney trip should look like. She repeatedly ignored my children's wishes in favor of her own, despite them both being very clear about what they wanted and didn't want.

Sasha also continually favored my daughter (including during my son's birthday) and fussed over her in ways that made her uncomfortable. And I still haven't forgiven the Little Mermaid thing. My daughter is a bit shy and takes a while to open up to most people, so knowing her trust was broken like that angers me in ways I can't describe.

To put it in simpler terms, my children aren't props. And whoever treats them as such will, at the very least, be put in time out.

I called my father and Sasha on Saturday. I apologized for calling Sasha a creep, but told them that we needed some time apart. They won't see my family until my younger sister's birthday in late April. If that goes well, they'll be invited to my daughter's 5th birthday party in May. After that, we'll slowly work on reestablishing contact. I also said that if they overstepped our boundaries again, the consequences would be more dire.

My father didn't take it well. I don't care. Sasha sent me a text with more apologies, followed by a request to "at least" FaceTime my kids every now and then. I said no.

And to those who said my "controlling behavior" ruined the trip: my kids had an amazing time at Disney World. They're both still talking about it. My daughter keeps asking us to put her pictures with the characters she met up on the wall, and my son says he had the best birthday ever.

I think that's it! Thank you for your advice and support on my first post.

Relevant Comments

canyonemoon: You protected your children and that's the best thing you can do in any situation. I'm glad they're still talking about the trip, despite favoritism and the Ursula animatronic, which means you and your husband managed to outshine all of that with wonderful memories.

For the possible reconciliation: everyone can act normal for a day (the birthday in late April), especially if they know there's a goal post on that day, it's the behavior over time that counts. If they're still messaging you, requesting face time calls, and calling you unreasonable despite you clearly saying you want NC, you could begin a tally; one point for each request and when it's X amount of points, they'll have their timeout extended because they obviously don't understand boundaries yet.

> OOP: That's great advice. We don't want to go NC, but we will if our boundaries are disrespected. > > Knowing my father, a tally wouldn't be well received. I'm doing my best to avoid turning this into a (bigger) fight, but that kind of system would probably make things worse. It might be worth a shot, though. I'll talk to my husband about it.

ScarletteMayWest: Thanks for the update!

You are doing the right thing and are prepared if your father and Sasha keep trying to push against your boundaries. Make sure anyone who might take their side is fully aware of the consequences of trying to 'mediate' or help them.

>OOP: Thankfully, no one's taking their sides. At most, my sister said I'd been cruel to them.

Commenter asked OOP if she has spoken with her daughter being uncomfortable with Sasha

> OOP: Thank you for sharing that. It's always been clear that my daughter was uncomfortable with Sasha's behavior, which is why we made so many efforts to reinforce our boundaries. Timid or not, she was very vocal about what she wanted, be it our company (not Sasha's) or specific rides and souvenirs. > > In spite of that, I know we didn't shelter our daughter from everything. She's only 4, so I know the situation was a lot for her to process and she can't articulate her feelings as well as her brother can. But she's not looking forward to seeing Sasha anytime soon, and I intend to respect that.

cuspofqueens: I see so many cases of women being arrested for inappropriate sexual relationships with minors that I’m dead convinced any adult who fixates on a child like that has bad intentions - regardless of gender. You 100% made the right choice, and I would highly advocate for not leaving your (children but especially your) daughter alone with her or letting her have unsupervised contact.

Thank you for being an advocate for your children and what makes them comfortable.

> OOP: Neither of my kids have ever been alone with Sasha. She's tried to offer babysitting services before, but we always say no. My son doesn't like her, and my daughter will usually do whatever he does.

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Update #2 - May 3, 2024 (2 months later)

Last time I posted here, I mentioned that my father and Sasha wouldn't see my children until my younger sister's birthday. The party took place last weekend, and we didn't attend.

These two months of NC worked fine, but not great. My father respected my wishes, to my surprise, but Sasha kept trying to find ways to talk to my children. She'd call me under the guise of needing to ask me something, only to later say, "by the way, are the kids around? I want to say hi!"

Every time she tried that, I'd remind her of what I'd told her back in March. This must have happened almost a dozen times, which was enough for my husband and I to start debating on skipping the party.

After speaking to our kids, we decided not to go. They both said they missed my father, but clearly didn't want to see Sasha. We thought about attending and just distancing them from her while there, but risking making our children uncomfortable wasn't worth it. My son even asked if we could see their aunt somewhere else, without Sasha around.

My husband and I explained the situation to my sister. She was upset, but mostly because she hadn't seen the kids in a while. We all went to dinner at her favorite restaurant the day after her party.

I also called my father and told him we wouldn't go to the birthday party. He reacted better than I expected, but we still had a short fight about it. He claimed that I had promised we'd let Sasha see the kids after two months, called me unfair and said he was "entitled" to have a relationship with his grandchildren (I immediately denied that).

Though I tried to sugarcoat it at first, I eventually gave him the truth: my kids don't want to see his wife, and I won't force them to.

My father and I had a long talk. I told him how much Sasha's actions at the Disney trip upset my children, as well as how uncomfortable me and my husband felt. I admitted I don't trust his wife at all, and I don't think I ever truly will.

He said that while he still thought I was overreacting, he understood I wanted to protect my kids. My dad also told me about how these two months of NC were for them.

Apparently, Sasha started talking about my kids (mostly my daughter) a lot more than usual. She'd mention things and places she thought they would like. My father was aware of one of the times she called me, but thought it was a one-time thing. She wanted to give my daughter a gift at my sister's birthday party (he said he didn't know why).

At one point, she told him she wanted to plan another family vacation with the kids, even though I told them they're not traveling with Sasha anymore. Learning all of that just made me more certain that I can't trust this woman around my children.

For now, I intend to remain LC with my father and NC with Sasha. My daughter told me she wanted her grandpa at her birthday party a few weeks from now, so I told him that he was invited, but Sasha wasn't. He agreed.

To be honest, I don't trust my father after all of this. I'm allowing him to come because that party will take place at my home, which is easier for me to control. If he tries to bring Sasha, they'll both be kicked out, and it will take a long time for me to consider letting him near my kids again.

My father hasn't told me how his wife is reacting to this. My sister told me that during her party, Sasha asked her to tell me she wanted to talk. I'm not reaching out to her, nor do I plan to respond if she attempts to contact me. Both me and my husband have blocked her.

My children are doing great. They still talk about how much fun they had at Disney. My daughter's been "saving money" (putting coins in her piggy bank) for us to go back.

On a completely different note, I'm pregnant again! This was completely unplanned (I always said I wanted two kids at most, and the third would have to be a HUGE accident), but my husband and I are ecstatic. I'm still in the first trimester, so not a lot of people know. We're brainstorming ways to tell our kids.

Overall, I'm happy with my life right now. And as much as I wish this Sasha situation had never happened, I feel like a better parent after dealing with it. I have never been more confident in my abilities to protect my children than I am now.

I don't think I'll update again anytime soon. Once again, thank you for all the support you've given me. I wish you the best.

Relevant Comment

OOP on being accused on turning her children against her father’s wife and avoiding events when Sasha is present

> OOP: As much as I appreciate your insight, allow me to explain why I won't change my mind on this subject. > > First of all, I'm not concerned about avoiding too many events. My paternal family is smaller than my maternal side, and there aren't many get-togethers in the first place. The only reason my dad even went to my sister's birthday party was because she wanted to introduce her boyfriend to him. My father has also seen my children without Sasha countless times before, so that's not a concern either. > > I don't dislike Sasha. Even if I did, I've always been very careful not to let my opinions on others affect my children, specifically because I aim to teach them to be polite. > > But my kids are allowed to express themselves. If they don't like person X, they don't have to be around person X. It doesn't matter how much person X wants to see them, I'm not teaching them to sacrifice their comfort for someone who doesn't actually care about them. > > And no, Sasha doesn't actually care about my children, nor has she tried to build a relationship with them. Instead, she tries to push them (specially my daughter) to do what she wants to see them doing. Almost none of her actions during the Disney trip were for my daughter's benefit, they were for hers. > > Sasha is not my children's grandmother. They don't see her as such, she doesn't want to be seen as such (she calls herself "aunt"). Her actions weren't "doting", nor did they have anything to do with her not being able to formulate relationships with children. > > She doesn't care about my daughter's happiness, she just treats her like a doll. My son, meanwhile, is cast aside. If someone overwhelms one of my children and ignores the other (on his birthday), they don't need to be around my kids. > > To answer the other part of your question: I have spoken with Sasha. It was the whole point of the boundary conversation. I communicated what was wrong, and what she could do to improve. > > Whenever I try to set boundaries, Sasha disrespects them. She does not listen to me. It's not my job to teach her how to build a relationship with my kids anymore than I already have. > > That's the point of this NC policy. Sasha doesn't listen to me or my children. If my kids didn't mind, I'd consider other ways of approaching this. But they do mind, and I refuse to force them to be around someone who disrespects them. And the fact that she refuses to listen to my children and insists on pushing her fantasies onto my daughter is enough for me to go NC. > > I have no intention of updating anytime soon, nor am I looking for any more advice. Thank you for your concern.

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Update #3: September 3, 2024 (4 months later)

First of all, my father didn't bring Sasha to my daughter's birthday party back in May. I didn't really think he would (I'd made it very clear I wouldn't tolerate that), but I'd be lying if I said your comments didn't make me a little paranoid.

Secondly, I've just entered my third trimester, and the baby will be here in November. The kids are ecstatic. I'm having another girl, but my husband and I are not sharing the sex until she's born. This has nothing to do with our families, it's just something we've also done with our first two. Everyone, including Sasha, knows I'm pregnant. We announced it a couple months ago. I had no problem with my father telling her (though he did ask if he could). I didn't hear much about her reaction, but according to my father, she was happy for me.

My children still don't want to see Sasha, and I'm still not forcing them to. I've unblocked her and put her on mute instead, but she hasn't made any attempts to contact me. We've continued meeting my father without his wife, and I think it's been working out. My relationship with him isn't fantastic, but it's much better than it was earlier this year.

Last week, I saw Sasha for the first time in months. My cousin threw a party at her place. My husband and I attended, as did my father and Sasha. I knew she'd be there, but since the kids weren't with us (son had a sleepover; daughter stayed with my mom), I didn't really have anything against seeing her.

They arrived some time after we did. My husband and I spoke with them for a few minutes, and it was less awkward than I expected. Sasha asked me about the baby's sex, and I told her we weren't telling anyone (which, again, is what we've always done).

About 20 minutes later, my father told me they had to go. I thought it was weird that they were leaving so soon, but I didn't think much of it at the time. He called me a few days ago, and we spoke for a long time. My father is difficult to talk to, so the following is what I gathered from the conversation.

He said they left early because Sasha was holding back tears after she saw me. She was sobbing by the time they got to the car.

They later had a discussion about it, and Sasha admitted she wanted kids. She married my dad knowing he didn't, but hoped he would change his mind. Apparently, when my son was born, Sasha tried to drop "I want one" hints to my father. He didn't notice it, so she gave up.

According to my father, Sasha told him she loved my kids equally, but my daughter was "special", because she always imagined herself as a girl mom. That's also the reason why she became such a suffocating presence when my daughter was a baby.

When my husband and I started setting boundaries, Sasha realized she was overstepping and agreed to abide by them. To her credit, I think she did a mostly okay job back then, but the favoritism was still obvious enough that my son noticed it.

The trip we took was a turning point because Sasha's dream of having a daughter included taking her to Disney World and having her do all the things she liked to do there when she was young. She told my father that having my daughter there was so exciting that she forgot everything I'd said about not overstepping. Sasha wanted a mother-daughter trip, and tried to use my child for it.

Sasha said she regretted her actions during the Disney trip, but only because she lost access to my children due to them. And seeing me at the party, "all pregnant and pretty" (my father's words, not sure she actually said that), was what drove her over the edge.

I remember reading some comments theorizing that this was what was going on, but I still didn't really expect this.

My father said he was telling me all this because his wife wasn't doing well, and he'd understand if I wanted to keep my kids away from her. Didn't expect that, either.

I don't know what the future of their relationship will be, and I don't think my father does either. All I know is that if Sasha still wants to have kids, it almost definitely will not be with my father.

Before all this, I was pondering about my third child's future in relation to Sasha. Now, I sincerely don't want her to be a part of my baby's life. This isn't a final decision, but I've been speaking to my husband about it, and he agrees with me.

I don't think she's a bad person. I got some "baby-stealer" comments on my previous update, but I don't think that's what's happening here, either. But if the Disney trip proved anything to me, it's that Sasha is willing to be extremely selfish and disrespectful to get what she wants, even when my kids are involved.

A couple months ago, my husband and I had a conversation with our son about the subject. He told us he dislikes Sasha for two reasons: she favors his sister and she doesn't listen to them. Honestly, that's all I need to know.

Looking back at my own childhood, I feel like I was never allowed to have boundaries. I was always expected to put my schedules and preferences aside for others. It's important to me that my children don't go through that. If they don't want to see Sasha, they don't have to.

I think that's all I want to say here. I'm doing well (I actually got some great news from work recently!), my kids are thriving, and I'm excited to meet my third baby. Again, thank you guys.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: NTA what a rollercoaster😂

First time reading any of these so wow.. great job shutting that down though and still being respectful❤️ I admire the class you showed in handling it all, even with the slip calling her a creep. Although it WAS accurate at the time. She was acting very creepy..

> OOP: I still think I shouldn't have said it, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like I had to. Honestly, when my dad tried to tell me she'd been thinking about what my kids would like the whole time, all I could think about was every moment she tried to force them to do something they'd said they didn't want to do. The fact she had lied to my daughter about the Ursula animatronic (which she knew was in the ride) just days prior didn't help.

Commenter: For what it's worth, you might want to give your dad a "heads up" shortly before you globally announce your daughter's birth. If Sasha is this infatuated with being a girl-mom and is this distraught over you being "pregnant and pretty", he might want to be ready for how she'll react when she finds out you're a girl-mom x2.

> OOP: I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about her reaction. > > With our first two, we didn't announce anything until we brought them home. My father said he's planning on visiting us at the hospital (without Sasha), so he will find out before anyway. But I'll talk to him about it more in November.

Commenter: Has she ever thought about being a foster parent? I know it’s not the same as having her own kids but maybe your dad would consider it.

> OOP: I don't know if she has thought about it, but I know my father wouldn't want that either. He's been saying he's done raising kids since I was a teenager.

Commenter: Hopefully, Sasha's biological clock has timed out. Her behaviour - including wanting children at 40-something with a 60-something year old man - has proven she would not make a good mother: if she had a baby with your father, that child would most likely lose its father before or during college. It would be dealing with an aging, retiree mother by its twenties. Who would want to subject a child to a lifetime of the hurt caused by losing your parents early/seeing them decline into rotting old age? She is incredibly selfish and immature.

> OOP: To be exact here, Sasha is 47 years old. I don't know about her fertility, but if she had a child with my father, she would almost certainly raise it mostly alone. She doesn't work, but my father still does (because he wants to) and his job involves traveling a lot. Plus, I love the guy, but he's always had the tendency of getting lazy when he's home, which naturally got worse with age. And again, he doesn't want to raise more kids. Financially speaking, they're more than okay, but I can't imagine raising a toddler in my 50s.

Commenter: Congrats on your second daughter! As for the rest, I don't think I'd call Sasha dangerous, but I think you're making the right choice in not allowing her around your kids. > > OOP: Thank you! I don't think she's dangerous either, but I don't want her to keep treating my children like this. I remember that during the Disney trip, there were many instances in which my kids were clearly uncomfortable with her behavior, but Sasha would continue to overstep. The way she acted after we went LC earlier this year also freaked me out. >> >> Commenter 2: It seems to be on the level where it's a psychological issue on her part, and enabling that by allowing her to indulge in her delusions would not be healthy for her either. She needs therapy. >>> >>> OOP: I hope she gets some sort of help. And you're absolutely right. Enabling this would be unhealthy for both Sasha and my kids.

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----NEW UPDATE----

Final Update: November 22, 2024 (2.5 months later)

I'm happy to announce my daughter was born two weeks ago. She arrived a little earlier than expected, but she's perfect. My older kids are in love with their baby sister. And as much as I didn't plan to have a third child, I am truly glad I did.

As I mentioned last time I posted, my husband and I didn't announce the sex in advance when our first two kids were born. This time, I decided to give my father a heads up. After I found out about the whole "girl mom" thing, I became worried about how Sasha would react to the news I was having another daughter. Telling my father ahead of her birth would give him more time to prepare.

So about a month ago, my father told Sasha I was having another girl. As expected, she didn’t take it well.

A few days after I gave birth, my father told me that he and Sasha were separating. They’re not sure about divorce, but he thinks that’s where they’re headed.

Sasha started talking to my father about having children around the time I made my last post. According to him, they started fighting about it when she tried to convince him to get his vasectomy reversed (I didn’t know he had one).

My father said Sasha cried when he told her I’d have another daughter, and they decided to separate a few days later. I’m not very informed about the situation, but my father did state that the decision was mutual.

About a week ago, Sasha texted me. It started with her congratulating me for my daughter’s birth, then evolved into what seemed like a farewell letter to my children.

Not much about them stood out to me (though “you’ll never understand the love I feel for your children” was an interesting statement). She talked about how much it hurt to know she’d never meet my baby, or watch my daughter become a big sister. Sasha told me I had “tortured” her by keeping my kids away, and it was that distance that made her accept she “needed” to be a mother.

She deleted the text a few minutes after I finished reading it. I decided not to reply.

I haven’t been thinking much about the situation lately, but the more I do, the dumber I feel for not realizing Sasha wanted kids sooner. I remember she started talking about my father’s future grandchildren long before I got pregnant with my son. Her behavior around my daughter (at least before the Disney trip) always felt weird to me, but I still never made the connection.

I still don’t dislike Sasha, but I think she brought this situation upon herself. As much as I recognize my father is far from innocent, he’s always been very clear about not wanting more children. Sasha is 47 years old, and while I don’t think I’d want to have kids at that age, I know people who have. If that’s what she wants, then I wish her luck.

We're also officially moving to Europe in 2025 (the work-related news I mentioned in my previous update were really, really great). My husband and I had been hoping for an opportunity like this for a while. We're helping the kids make arrangements to maintain contact with their friends (luckily, my daughter’s best friend is my goddaughter).

This will be my last update. I’m busy with my baby, and I’ll definitely have a busy 2025 as well, so I don’t intend to write about this anymore.

I want to thank you all for the advice, reassurance and kindness you have shown me. Happy holidays!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Interesting that Sasha mentioned her never being able to meet your baby, and not able to watch your daughter become a big sister. Did she not mention your son at all. (Not that it changes anything), but she’s still solely focused on your daughters.

Congratulations on new baby girl. Hope everything works out well for you all.

> OOP: She mentioned all three of my kids by name once, but I don’t remember her mentioning my son besides that. I only read the text once before she deleted, so I might be misremembering it, but she did focus on the girls.

Commenter 2: This is why people shouldn't stay in relationships where they fundamentally disagree on whether they have kids or not. At some point the resentment will kill the relationship anyway.

> OOP: Agreed. Both me and my husband had always known we wanted kids before I got pregnant. We chose our first daughter’s name (and two possibilities for our son’s) after one year of dating. Hadn’t we been on the same page about children, we wouldn’t be together. I also have plenty of childfree friends, none of whom would date someone who wanted kids.

Commenter 3: Sasha is the exact type of person who should not have children. Children are people not vehicles to fulfill self indulgent needs of parents.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/SisterGroundedThrway. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole and r/EntitledPeople.

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the update.

Previous BORU here. Newest Update marked with *****

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: >!OOP stands up for herself!<

Original Post: April 29, 2024

I (25F) live in a three bedroom apartment with my fiancé (27M). We have a six month old son.

My younger sister Mia (fake name; 20F) recently started attending a university that's closer to where I live than both my parents' places. Because she needs to get to class early in the morning, my fiancé and I allowed her to move into our spare bedroom. She's been living with us since January.

There's a set of rules I've been having Mia follow since she moved in, mostly to make sure everyone can live peacefully. One of the most important rules concerns arriving after my son's bedtime (usually between 19h and 20h). Mia is allowed to come home however late she wants, as long as she doesn't make too much noise.

The door to the apartment has an electronic keypad lock, and the one we use also has a normal lock under it. Everyone has a copy of the key, but we all prefer typing in the password. However, the keypad is very noisy, and my son's nursery isn't far from the door. Every time the keypad is used after I've put the baby to sleep, he wakes up.

So naturally, the rule about getting home late includes not using the keypad. Everyone, including Mia, has known about this since day one.

At first, we had no problems. But now that Mia has gotten used to college life, she's been going out at night frequently. This past month, she has arrived home after midnight every Friday and Saturday night. She always forgets the "don't make too much noise" rule, and she has, on multiple occasions, used the keypad. My son wakes up crying every. Damn. Time.

I'd sit her down and remind her of the rule whenever this happened, but she'd continue to do it. My fiancé and I got tired of putting our baby back to sleep because of that, so I changed the password and told Mia she was no longer allowed to use the keypad. She agreed, and promised to try to make less noise.

On Friday night this week, Mia went out with her friends. She came home very drunk at 4AM, and forgot that I'd changed the password. Not only did she use the keypad, she also got the password wrong so many times that she triggered an alarm.

I was furious. Not only did my baby wake up crying, but I also got complaints from my neighbors.

The next morning, I told Mia that I'm establishing a curfew: while living with me, she needs to be home by 20h. She won't be allowed to go out at night for the rest of the semester.

Mia put up a fight, saying I have no right to "ground" her (EDIT: I never used that word) like this or dictate what she does with her free time, but I held my ground. I told her she'll be free to do as she pleases when she has her own place and raises her own family. While living with mine, she has to do as I say.

She told our parents about this. Our mother and stepfather are both on my side; our father is on Mia's. He's saying I'm not her mother, and I have no right to treat her like a child. He also thinks it's unfair to do this to her over a drunken mistake.

AITA?

EDIT: No, I can't mute the keypad.

Relevant Comments:

OOP clarifies:

>She is living here for free, but only for now. The deal is for her to start paying a small portion of rent once she gets a job.

Commenter: What if she never gets a job or takes months? What if she gets a job but doesn't tell you because she prefers freeloading?

>OOP: If the latter happens, I will find out. She tells our mother everything, and my mom would tell me. I know my family.
But honestly, I don't need her to pay me right now. My father still gives her some money for personal expenses, so I'm not spending too much on her.

Commenter: I'm having genuine trouble how unlocking multiple locks and jangling keys into a door is quieter than a keypad (excluding the alarm) and also wouldn't wake the baby up.

>OOP: It's only one lock. It's not noiseless, but it's quiet enough that it doesn't wake the baby.
The keypad makes very loud noises every time something is typed in, as well as another one once the door is open.

How loud it is:

>OOP: Very. It makes noises whenever something is typed in, as well as another one once the door has been unlocked. And she's not just quietly typing in the password, she's being loud besides that (slamming the door, knocking stuff over, etc.).

Commenter: I believe some electronic locks have a silent function. At least my alarm system's keypad does. Although I'm not so sure. I don't have electronic doorlocks, which is why I asked the question in the first place.

>OOP: The one we use doesn't have a silent function.

Commenter: Just curious, is it possible to move your nursery to a different room that is further from the door? Not saying that you have to or anything, just wondering if it is a possibility would it help at all. You are definitely NTA though.

Also have you thought about saying she can go out later, but can't come home between 8pm and 6am? Basically she can go out, but has to crash elsewhere?

>OOP: A lot of people are asking this, so let me explain why this is not an option.
Technically, it is possible. But moving my son from the nursery that I lovingly prepared while pregnant to the room my sister has been messing up since January would require time, effort and patience, none of which I'd have for this situation. I have a baby and a job, as does my fiancé, and I'm 99.9% sure my sister wouldn't help us. I'm making enough efforts as it is, and I refuse to do something like this when she can easily just use her key.
As for crashing somewhere else, I have suggested it before. There's always a reason why she can't do it.

Commenter: NTA and you've given her way more chances than I would have. I would tell her that if she wakes the baby up one more time, she's out. I can't imagine how annoyed your husband must be that you keep letting your adult sister act like an entitled 16-year-old.

>OOP: My fiancé is actually the reason I've been giving her this many chances. A big reason why I'm establishing the curfew now is because the situation has gotten bad enough that even he's sick of it.

Commenter: Have you considered making her get the baby back to sleep? (not if she's drunk of course) Perhaps she would then understand the problem better.

>OOP: The problem is that she usually is drunk, so there aren't many opportunities for her to help.

Commenter (downvoted): Yeah. And I'm not sure if women like OP understand this but babies can and should get used to people making normal sounds when living in a household. She probably is entitled and expects everyone else to cater around her baby.

>OOP: I'm not sure I appreciate the "women like OP" comment there, but my son is used to normal sounds. The door beeping loudly at 4 in the morning is not a normal sound.
No, I don't expect everyone else to cater to my baby, but I do expect those sharing a space with him to let him sleep. It's not hard to use the normal key.

Commenter: The school year is probably just about done though, right? Maybe she should live with friends for next academic year.

>OOP: We don't live in the US. The school year started in February.

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: May 10, 2024

Before I start this update, I want to recommend reading my comments on my previous post. There were many questions that I was able to answer there.

It's very hard to explain my relationship with my younger sister in proper detail, but I will say that, while I love her dearly, Mia has always been a very inconsiderate person.

I have countless examples. She almost didn't attend our cousin's wedding last year because she didn't want to walk to the venue (which was two blocks away from our mom's place). We shared a bathroom when we were younger, and she'd insist on having the top drawers because she "didn't want to crouch down", but she was cool with me doing so. She slept through my college graduation, and didn't apologize for it.

I'm bringing this up now because whenever I asked Mia why she kept forgetting to use her key, her excuse was that looking through her bag took too long and the keypad was quicker. In her head, bothering other people is better than slightly inconveniencing herself.

After I established the curfew, Mia tried different ways to make me change my mind. She'd talk about not being able to cancel her tickets for Party X, or about the fun her friends had at Party Y. She'd show me her "developing" LinkedIn profile, and tell me she had learned her lesson and would be more responsible.

At first, I really didn't want to have to kick her out (which many of you suggested), but I have limits. A few days ago, I heard her complaining to her friends on the phone about her "bitch of a sister" who wouldn't let her do anything.

Later that day, I asked her which of our parents she planned on moving in with. Cue more fighting.

I managed to tell her that I had no obligation to continue housing her (for free!) if she couldn't respect my family. Mia could either move back in with our parents or continue living with me for the low price of respecting my infant son and stop complaining about it.

We did have a very productive conversation afterwards. I managed to get a lot off my chest, as did my sister. Mia apologized for everything. She admitted she'd been selfish, promised she'd make efforts to change and mature.

I'm a strong believer that people can change, which is why I'm not kicking her out right now. But I made it very clear that Mia is on thin ice, and the next time she does anything like this will be the last time she ever sees the inside of my home.

The curfew will continue until the end of the semester, as originally planned. My father also agreed to pay for Mia to go back to therapy. It helped her a lot when she was younger, so I'm hopeful about the future of this living situation.

I also want to thank those who suggested a white noise machine. My son is not a light sleeper, the keypad is just very loud and startles him awake, but my fiancé and I are still looking into getting one. Anything that helps our baby sleep better is welcome.

Thank you, Reddit!

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: The fact that she'd rather wake a sleeping infant than go through her purse is just... Selfish and lazy is too weak a descriptor for that. Also the idea that you, not her, is keeping her from doing stuff... Mind boggling! 

I'm really happy that she's in therapy 'cause that shit aint normal. Did your parents never allow her to suffer any  consequences for her actions as you were growing up? And/or is she incredibly stupid? 

>OOP: She did suffer consequences, but Mia never liked hearing the word "no", specially from me. I wouldn't even call her lazy, she just genuinely doesn't think about anyone else. If it's a minor inconvenience to her, she probably won't do it. That's why I'm so glad she's returning to therapy

Commenter: You realize that this summer will be her “hot girl era “ and she will still be her. But kudos for second chances

>OOP: I live in the Southern Hemisphere. Summer starts in December, and we'll all be traveling for the holidays. But I don't think she'd want to stay with us during the Summer anyway.

Commenter: You should've kick her out that night,why are you being so nice??? That's not gonna help you or son.And lives rent free she would of been out so fast.

>OOP: I'm being nice exclusively because Mia is going back to therapy, which was very helpful before she quit.
And I do believe things will get better. My sister is smart enough to understand that the extra time it would take for her to get to class if she moved back in with one of our parents is WAY more of an inconvenience than just using her key.
But this is her last chance. If she ever tries anything like this again, she's out.

*****New Update Post: October 4, 2024 (5 months later)*****

Title: I kicked my sister out (UPDATE)

Okay, you guys called it. A little under a month ago, my fiancé and I kicked Mia out of my apartment.

This actually had very little to do with the keypad thing. After my last post, things were relatively peaceful for a while. And then June came, and Mia decided to go back to her old ways.

At first, it was just run of the mill entitlement. She started taking my stuff without permission, whining whenever my baby cried and complaining about having to "do everything" (literally just her own laundry). All of that was more annoying than unbearable, so I'd just take my stuff back and let her clothes stink.

Then, early in September, Mia went on a holiday beach trip with her friends. The day after she left, I noticed my diaper bag and one of my son's blankets were missing. Both were expensive gifts my best friend gave me for my baby shower. I checked every room in the apartment, and found all of the items that had been in the diaper bag dumped on Mia's bed. 

She had emptied the bag to use it as extra luggage. The blanket was in a separate pocket, so she took it by mistake. Later, when I got them back, they were both dirty and sandy. 

I called Mia as soon as I found the items. Her reasoning for taking the diaper bag was that she didn't want to empty her school bag, and her computer wouldn't fit anywhere else. She also called me dramatic when I told her to apologize. 

That's when I kicked her out. I told her that once she got back, she'd have one week to grab her things and move back to either of our parents' places.

My sister spent the rest of her trip trying to convince me otherwise. She also tried to get my parents on her side. My mom told her she'd brought it on herself. My father did try to convince me to "be nice", but I told him I already had been. Mia tried to pick a fight about it when she got back from her trip, but I didn't budge. 

She moved out officially a couple weeks ago. My mom is making her save money so she can pay me back for the (almost) eight months of rent she owes me.

To be honest, I'm writing this mostly to vent. Being an older sister is exhausting. The house is always on fire, but you can never be the one freaking out. You're like a second mother, but not an actual parent, so your younger sibling feels no need to respect you. At least that was my experience growing up. 

My mom is fantastic, but she still acknowledges that I was basically Mia's third parent. My father was a good dad, but a mediocre parent, and he refuses to understand that. He also doesn't accept that after the divorce, I was more responsible for Mia than he was.

I love my sister dearly, but she's always treated me as an afterthought. For a few years, she'd contact me almost exclusively when she needed a ride. I'd spend a shit ton of money on presents, she'd give me a $2 gift two months after my actual birthday (this happened three separate times, including this year). The list goes on. 

It always felt like I was the last thing on her mind. I'm not saying I was perfect, but I was always there for her. I will always love my sister, and I do believe she loves me too. But I also understand she's too selfish to realize she treats me poorly. I have to focus on my son, and I can't put up with Mia's immaturity right now.

Do I regret letting her move in with me? No. Do I regret not kicking her out back in May? Also no. To be honest, I think I needed that. Knowing I tried has always helped me sleep at night. Plus, living with Mia wasn't all bad. Accompanying the Drake/Kendrick Lamar feud with her was pretty fun (at first, at least).

My sister and I are on speaking terms. She was pissed at first, but got over it once she realized that literally no one was really taking her side. She's back to transitioning between our parents' places every week. I don't miss that lifestyle. Mia hates it, as it takes her longer to get to her classes every morning. She's apologized, but I'm not letting her move back in with me.

My son's turning one in a couple of weeks. Mia is invited to his birthday party, but I'm not expecting her to show up. My fiancé and I are getting married in a little under a year, and she's invited to that too.

I hope my sister can learn to be more considerate, and that we can improve our relationship someday. But I'm done being the only one putting in the effort.

This will be my final post. Thank you, Reddit.

Some of OOP's Comments:

On not regretting letting sis stay at first:

>OOP: I don't regret anything. I needed to accept I can't keep giving my sister these chances. And I don't think I could have truly achieved that without knowing I'd tried.

Commenter: Just be aware of her mood heading up to your wedding. She could show up happy and excited for you, she could show up and sulk...and she could be goaded by her friends or tiktok into showing up just to cause problems. Shredded inappropriate dress, bridal gown, "interesting" hairdo, who knows. Security exists for people like that, sadly.

>OOP: Nah, these things take effort. At worst, she'll sulk through the whole wedding. I know for a fact no one would support her if she tried anything more drastic.

Commenter: dad sounds like he’s still enabling the sister

>OOP: My father's stance here doesn't have much to do with wanting to enable Mia. He's just always expected me to bend over backwards for others. That behavior has been improving lately, but there's still traces of it every now and then.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/DreamUsed210. They posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Mood Spoiler: >!happy ending!<

Original Post: January 22, 2024

This past Christmas, my mother got my daughter "Amy" (4F) a doll she'd been asking for. It's a baby version of Mirabel, from the Disney movie Encanto. It quickly became her favorite.

My husband's cousin "Nat" has a daughter I'll call "Julie" (6F). I wouldn't classify her as "spoiled", but she does have a tendency of disobeying other people.

There have been numerous occasions in which I asked Julie to do something ("please sit down", "please don't touch that", etc.) and she either ignored me or went behind my back to do the opposite. While I understand that she's a child, Nat rarely makes any attempt to educate her daughter or correct her behavior.

Last week, Nat and Julie came to visit us with some other relatives. Julie saw the Mirabel doll and asked my daughter if she could play with her. Amy refused. Julie protested, but I spoke with the girls and managed to get them to play with other toys.

Some time later, the kids sat down to watch TV while me and the others got dinner ready. When we went back to the living room, Julie was gone. After a short search, we found her in my bathroom. She had taken not only the Mirabel doll, but also my nail polish carrying case.

Julie had used my nail polish to paint the doll's hair, face and dress. It covered most of her facial painting, matted her hair and ruined her clothes. Amy saw what happened and was devastated. When we asked Julie what she was doing, she said she was giving the doll a makeover.

Nat and Julie left in a hurry. The next day, I asked Nat what she planned to do about it, she suggested that the girls apologize to each other (Julie for painting the doll; Amy for not sharing it in the first place) and "hug it out", and offered to give me a couple new bottles of nail polish.

I made it clear that Amy didn't need to apologize, and while I didn't care about the nail polish (they cost $4 and Julie didn't empty the bottles she used), I did expect Nat and her husband to replace the doll.

Nat refused. She said that it wouldn't be fair for her to waste money over an "innocent mistake" a child had made. She also doesn't think Julie should be the only one apologizing, as none of this would have happened if Amy had agreed to share in the first place.

I asked her twice, she said no both times. Finally, I called her husband and explained the situation. He apologized profusely and agreed to buy Amy a new doll. He stopped by on Saturday and gave it to us. He also brought Julie along and made her apologize to Amy.

Apparently, Nat and her husband fought over this, as she kept insisting that Julie was just a child and they owed us nothing. So now, in addition to saying it was entitled of me to expect a new doll, she is blaming me for their fight.

My husband is on my side, but my MIL thinks I should apologize, as this has blown out of proportion and I could have dealt with it more gracefully. She also thinks it was wrong of Amy to refuse to share.

AITA?

Relevant Comments:

Did Julie do it out of spite?

I do think this was more of a "not knowing how nail polish works" situation than her trying to ruin the doll out of spite. Julie has been interested in "makeovers" for a while. She also asked us if we couldn't "wash it off."

On Amy sharing:

Amy usually shares everything. Earlier this month, my older son accidentally broke one of his toys, and Amy got very protective of her own. She had a playdate with another cousin weeks ago and refused to share any toy at all. We've been trying to teach her to share again while still being careful, but I told her it was okay for Mirabel and some other favorites to remain off-limits.

Why do you still hang out with them?

Mostly because they're not always shit people. Nat's husband has a daughter from a previous relationship who is good friends with my older son, and Amy and Julie get along well most of the time. Nat is also not a bad person unless it comes to Julie.

Was Julie punished?

Nat's husband mentioned he grounded Julie. He took her tablet for a few days.

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: January 31, 2024 (1 week later)

I wasn't going to write an update, but I thought I'd let you know that I read your comments and decided to follow your advice.

I still don't think Julie's actions were completely intentional. The nail polish she's used to is the kind that peels off, so I do believe she genuinely thought we could wash the doll later.

Even if that's not the case, I wouldn't villainize a 6-year-old. Yes, I know children can be cruel, and I'm not saying Julie's too young to understand she was doing something wrong. I just don't think the reasons behind her actions were as vindictive as people are making them out to be.

If I had to blame anyone, it would be Nat. Especially because not only did she protest against Julie apologizing to Amy, but she also never apologized herself.

All that said, there are two pieces of advice from the comments on my previous post that I decided to follow. The first is that Nat and Julie are no longer welcome at our house.

We're not cutting ties with them, as we usually all get along well. Also, we're immigrants and they're some of the only relatives we have in this country, and that's not something we want to sacrifice right now.

So from now on, we're only meeting them at their house, public spaces and events we're not hosting. That might change in the future, either when Julie gets older or if we ever sense a change in their behavior.

My son's 9th birthday party is coming up, and we made it clear Nat and Julie aren't welcome. We did invite Nat's stepdaughter (her husband's child from a previous relationship), since she's friends with my son. Nat's not happy about this, but we don't care.

The second piece of advice I'm following: during the weekend, my husband and I bought a big wooden box, which we'll leave in our closet. Whenever we have guests over, our kids can fill it with whatever toys they don't want to share. We all painted and decorated the box with stickers and ribbons on Sunday.

As for the painted doll... Amy has seen Toy Story a few times. She didn't want to throw her original Mirabel away or give her to someone else. We gave the doll a bath, and though we couldn't get the nail polish off, Amy decided to keep her.

So now, she has two dolls: Mirabel (given to her by Nat's husband) and "Crazybel", her older twin sister. Tea parties have been interesting lately.

I think that's all. Amy is happy, and my family is doing great. Thanks everybody!

Relevant Comments:

What about MIL?

MIL still lives in our home country and was visiting us when this happened. She's already left, and we probably won't see her until July.

Can you try alcohol to get rid of the nailpolish?

It would be too risky. One of the eyes and half of the lips are almost completely covered by the nail polish. And Amy has the new doll now, so there's no reason to try to make that work right now.

If you ever wanted to, you could check with someone who professionally restores dolls:

Crazybel is part of the family, I wouldn't dream of changing her hahahah...

If Amy ever wants to, I'll do my research and see what I can do. Knowing my kid, though... Crazybel will stay crazy.

Sweet Amy:

That's Amy for ya...

The part in Toy Story 3 that made her cry the most was the evil bear's backstory. She didn't want Crazybel to feel like she was being replaced.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/SchoolPlayThrway.

Mood Spoiler: >!hopeful-ish ending!<

Original Post: December 4, 2023

My (35F) father (68M) moved to a different country 8 years ago. He tries to visit whenever he can, and I try to help him have as much of a relationship with my children (9M, 5F and baby girl) as possible.

Whenever he visits, however, he tends to act a bit entitled. He either sleeps or hangs out with his old friends in the mornings and afternoons, doesn't help me with anything I ask him to, and then gets annoyed when he wants to do something at 9PM and the kids are too tired. His excuses are always that he's exhausted from traveling, and deserves to get some rest and spend time with friends he never gets to see anymore.

My kids are always excited when my dad visits, but at this point, they see him more when he's FaceTiming us from a different hemisphere than when he's staying in our guest room.

Anyway, he's visiting us now to meet my youngest daughter, who was born in September. He got here two weeks ago, and will fly back home in a few days. I've been trying to get him to spend more time with my kids this time around, but he still goes out a lot.

My older daughter had her first ever school play on Saturday. She was really excited about it, and invited my father. He promised her he'd come.

The day before the play, my father went out with his friends and didn't come back until 3AM. The play started at 11AM, and we had to get there 30 minutes earlier. In total, he must have gotten about 6 hours of sleep.

When we (my dad, my husband, my son and me) got there, we sat at one of the first rows (my daughter had asked us to).

The play was 40 minutes long. My father fell asleep less than 15 minutes in. I woke him up; he slept again. He snores loudly when he sleeps, so I kept waking him up whenever he slept. Near the end of the play, I was too late to wake him, and he let out a snore that was so loud that some of the kids on the stage looked over at us. At that, I hit his arm a little harder, and he didn't fall back asleep.

My husband and I haven't mentioned anything to my daughter, but it's obvious she noticed. She was heartbroken after the play, and dismissed any of our attempts to talk about it.

My husband filmed the play for my mom and stepdad (who were with our baby during it). Instantly after the play, my dad asked if he could have the video too, since he didn't watch most of it.

We're not sharing it with him. I told him that he had the opportunity to watch it live, and instead ruined the experience for all of us, specially my daughter. He doesn't deserve to watch what he missed just because he decided to stay out late the night before.

My dad's pissed. He's telling me and my husband that we're robbing him of his role in my daughter's life. He also maintains the excuse that he was exhausted during the play and needed to get some rest.

I really don't think we're the AHs, but with how tense things have been getting, it might be easier to just let him watch the video.

Relevant Comments:

Why do you let him stay with you?

"He stays with my younger sister sometimes, but her place is much smaller than ours. The rest of my paternal family lives mostly in a different state. It's usually more convenient for him to stay at my apartment."

Grandma:

"My mom is especially upset about this. She wanted to come to the play, but volunteered to watch my baby so that my dad could go."

He's probably embarrassed that he looked bad and wants to seem like he cares now:

"Yeah, that thought definitely crossed my mind. I'm pretty sure he was embarrassed about the snoring, and it would make sense for him to want the video because of that."

Clarification:

Commenter: You need to determine with your dad if he’s in town to “help with whatever you ask him to” or To “visit friends and relax” plus see you and the kids. There’s a difference in intent.

OOP: By "help me with anything I ask him to", I meant minuscule tasks. Handing over the remote control is too much of an effort sometimes.

"The most I've asked him to do was pick up the takeout we'd ordered (he was ten steps away from the door and I was changing a diaper) and wash his plate after dinner (we have a "wash what you use" rule)."

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: December 7, 2023

To those who commented on my post, thank you. My father's leaving tomorrow, so I thought I'd give a small update.

These past few days, things have been awkward. Mostly because me and my husband were mad at my father, who was mad at us back.

A few hours after I wrote my post, my father decided to "prove me wrong" about my daughter being upset. He sat next to her and tried to get her to talk about the play. He was asking her questions about it, many of which he'd know the answer to if he'd stayed awake during it.

I'm guessing my daughter understood that, because it only made things worse. She refused to answer his questions, and at one point ran to me crying.

I'm not sure if that was my dad's wake up call or if it was his granddaughter refusing to talk to him (she usually idolizes him). Whatever it was, he apologized to my daughter ("grandpa was really tired, but he loves you very much"). She said she forgave him, but was still upset. So he came to me Tuesday night to ask what he could do to fix things before he went home.

I helped him brainstorm some ideas. Yesterday, my father surprised the kids with a trip to the aquarium. My daughter had been asking us to go there for a while, but with a newborn at home, we hadn't found the time yet. The kids had a lot of fun there, and my dad let them each get a plushie from the gift shop. Afterwards, we went to McDonald's and took the kids to see Santa at the mall. Overall, my kids had a great day with their grandfather, and my daughter is feeling a lot better.

That said, the aquarium, non-fancy food and old guy in a fake beard are definitely part of my father's idea of hell, so I'm sure I'll hear him complain about all the "sacrifices" he made for his grandkids for a while. But as long as my kids think he had fun, I'm fine with that.

I do think he understands he screwed up, though. He's no longer asking us for the video, and has promised he'll never show such disregard for things my kids care about again.

As some of you suggested, I told him that he'll have to stay with my sister or one of his friends next time he visits. I think he knows the "you're keeping me away from my grandkids" excuse won't work on me, because he hasn't complained about that yet. If he tries to pick a fight over it once he's home, I'll hang up on him.

Thanks everyone!

Relevant Comments:

What's he got against aquariums???

"He thinks they're boring. Same goes for zoos."

It's a good start but I'm not convinced his behavior will change:

"Oh I'm not convinced either. That's why he's not staying with us next time. I don't want my kids to get used to him behaving like this. My sister has a daughter, so I hope he stays with one of his friends instead of her."