u/StorePossible6358

6 months in and I’m noticing a real difference. I was so tempted to give up earlier because things really fluctuated and even regressed for me a couple of months ago. I’m glad that I stuck with it. My mind feels more clear and I’m ruminating less on negative thoughts. That urge is still there to think about the negative, but I’m able to choose not to. It doesn’t feel as automatic and out of my control as before. If you’ve just started or having been doing it for a couple months, I really recommend to stick with it. If it’s really adversely affecting you then you should be talking with your providers to come up with a plan of action of course. Me and my therapist came up with a before and after care plan, and that made the experience more comfortable and less negative. It’s okay to tweak things or adjust the dose, but I really hope you stick with it and notice a real difference at some point in your journey (hopefully sooner than later).

I feel stuck inside myself. I’m functional enough to work (luckily I work from home) because I have to, but other than that I don’t really have energy or interest in anything else. Most days it feels like my mind fluctuates from being blank to being in emotional flashbacks. I self isolate a lot and barely have anyone to connect with besides my therapist and a few friends that I rarely see. I’ve been frozen for over a year now after a traumatic mental health crisis, and I don’t feel like I’ve really been embodied since. I’m in somatic therapy, take meds, and am receiving therapeutic ketamine, and I still struggle a lot of the time. The biggest issue for me is the self isolation. I know I need to leave my house in the weekends and meet people through going to events or a fitness class or something, but my fear holds me back. I wasn’t super social before, but I was able to muster the ability to mask enough to at least engage in one on one conversations. Nowadays, I freeze up and my mind goes blank when I engage with anyone (including family), so I barely say anything which leads to conversations ending pretty quickly. I’ve been a part of online groups and in those situations I’ve barely said anything or anything I said felt strained. I know there’s a part of it related to social anxiety but I feel like there’s a freeze element to it because of how often I dissociate and feel disconnected when I’m around people. Me and my therapist are working on slowly exposing myself to new situations to work through the fear I have with socializing with people. How was freeze impacted your ability to connect with and socialize with other people? Has there been anything helpful to overcome it?

I know that exposure therapy is the major way to work through AvPD, but I have a hard time taking that first step mostly out of fear of being rejected like I have in the past. The older I get, the harder it is to push through that fear especially because I generally have less contact with people as compared to being around people at school. I work from home so the only time I really communicate with people is through the phone or computer. I have a close friend that lives out of state and I talk to her daily, but I’m pretty isolated in person. I’m thinking about taking baby steps like taking a fitness class or just leaving my house more often even if I’m not talking to people directly. I have pretty severe depression, so I don’t really feel motivated to engage with people or anything really but I know I need to push myself to do it anyway. For those who have done exposure therapy (or just informal exposure), what have your experiences been like? Are you grateful that you did it or are you regretful? Did you have any positive experiences or good connections come out of it?

When I’m speaking with people (anyone sometimes even family), I feel anxious. It feels like generalized social anxiety because it’s present in most situations instead of a select few. When I’m not with other people, I spent a lot of time having emotional flashbacks of negative social interactions I’ve had that range from a year ago to several years ago. It feels like hell because social anxiety is taking up pretty much all of my brain space even when I’m not around other people. How often do you think about or replay the past? Have you done anything to reduce that or make it stop altogether?

I realized that that I may have SzPD because of my lack of interest and desire for close relationships with my family. I come from a loud, collectivist, Caribbean family where family is held in the highest regard. My mom especially is very family oriented and often brings up her family in conversation even when it’s completely off topic and tries to speak to or connect with them every single day. On the other hand, I begrudgingly attend family events that happen a few times a year. I also don’t reach out to my extended family at all and I know they probably view me negatively because of that. At a really young age, I think I enjoyed being around and playing with cousins. When I got older, I began isolating myself and I feel like my family doesn’t know much about me because of it. At family events, I barely say anything besides greetings. I feel weird and guilty because everyone around me seems to enjoy being around each other and I don’t. I feel on the outside looking in. It’s like this with other people too, but I definitely feel like the odd one way since I come from such a family oriented culture. How do you behave around your family?

Pete Walker, a therapist and author, wrote a book about complex trauma and he talks about how emotional flashbacks are common with those who’ve experienced ongoing trauma. I know that everyone with AvPD doesn’t have a history of trauma, but I feel like a lot of people do and that could be the root of AvPD. He describes emotional flashbacks as a rush of negative emotions (usually shame) that comes up for you when thinking about past traumas or negative experiences. They differ from visual flashbacks because it usually doesn’t involve an image. It’s moreso a felt sense that takes you away from the present moment and brings you into the past. I keep experiencing emotional flashbacks where I ruminate on moments where I was rejected, criticized, and shamed and it brings up intense toxic shame for me. It feels like it happens anytime I have a moment of idle time. I notice it most when I’m in the shower and before I go to sleep. Peter talks about ways to deal with emotional flashbacks like saying to yourself what it is and reminding yourself that you’re not in that moment anymore. I do that, but it’s still very hard because the memories aren’t just perceived rejection, they’re real rejection that I’ve experienced at every stage of my life and from several people in close proximity to me. The emotional flashbacks are my biggest struggle. I’ve made progress with not saying shameful things in the moment, but the emotional flashbacks make me feel stuck. Does anyone experience this? How do you deal with it?

I’m 31F and AuDHD. I work in case management and I have to use a lot of executive functioning skills in my day to day to gather resources, complete paperwork, and have directed conversations with members to keep track of their goals. I’m six months into my job, and I feel like I’ve learned a lot but it doesn’t feel like enough because I’m always falling behind in some way. I had confirmation of that when I was meeting with my supervisor and she shared her screen and I saw a conversation with another colleague where she said I’m still learning but I’m not a fast learner. She obviously didn’t mean for me to see it, but I did. It was hurtful to see. I think it was easier for me to pick up on things when I was in school, but it has been harder as an adult especially when I have a lot of tasks that require a high level of executive functioning especially with a lot verbal communication involved, which is pretty much my job. Have you ever received similar feedback at work? How do you show yourself grace for ways that you process and learn information differently?

I grew up extremely shy and having a really hard time truly connecting to others out of a fear of rejection. I didn’t say much and I still don’t. Ironically, I feel like I was even more rejected for being quiet because I got perceived as stuck up and rude. It backfired. Something that sticks with me a lot is having a lack of true mentorship and interest given to me by authority figures and older relatives. My dad preferred my sister over me and my mom was somewhat in tune with me, but didn’t really affirm or validate me at all. It was the same with other older family members. One time, my grandma said to my face that she didn’t want to be around me because I didn’t do anything. That chipped away at my self esteem at a really young age.

My relationship with my peers was either non existent or negative, so I really needed at least one relationship in my life where I felt poured into. I was an after thought especially as compared to my sister who is the complete opposite of me. I blame myself for being dismissed and looked over because I purposely didn’t want to be seen. If I’m not seen, then how exactly is an authority figure or family member going to affirm you or make you feel special if they know nothing about you because you barely speak? It really hurts that was/is my reality and I blame others for not trying to see me underneath the layers of protection. At the same time, I blame myself A LOT for having fear of being seen and perceived. In the small moments where I did, I felt immediately rejected so that made me retreat even more. I have endless memories about being around authority figures not acknowledging me and being disappointed in me for not being somebody else. These memories often run through my head and I ruminate on them, which makes me feel even worse. It would’ve made a big difference if I had at least one adult affirming me and who made me feel special. Did you have that or not? How did it impact you?

The roots of AvPD are different for everyone, but for a lot of people it seems like emotional neglect plays a role in things. I grew up extremely shy and having a really hard time truly connecting to others out of a fear of rejection. I didn’t say much and I still don’t. Ironically, I feel like I was even more rejected for being quiet because I got perceived as stuck up and rude. It backfired. Something that sticks with me a lot is having a lack of true mentorship and interest given to me by authority figures and older relatives. My dad preferred my sister over me and my mom was somewhat in tune with me, but didn’t really affirm or validate me at all. It was the same with other older family members. One time, my grandma said to my face that she didn’t want to be around me because I didn’t do anything. That chipped away at my self esteem at a really young age.

My relationship with my peers was either non existent or negative, so I really needed at least one relationship in my life where I felt poured into. I was an after thought especially as compared to my sister who is the complete opposite of me. I blame myself for being dismissed and looked over because I purposely didn’t want to be seen. If I’m not seen, then how exactly is an authority figure or family member going to affirm you or make you feel special if they know nothing about you because you barely speak? It really hurts that was/is my reality and I blame others for not trying to see me underneath the layers of protection. At the same time, I blame myself A LOT for having fear of being seen and perceived. In the small moments where I did, I felt immediately rejected so that made me retreat even more. I have endless memories about being around authority figures not acknowledging me and being disappointed in me for not being somebody else. These memories often run through my head and I ruminate on them, which makes me feel even worse. It would’ve made a big difference if I had at least one adult affirming me and who made me feel special. Did you have that or not? How did it impact you?

I’ve been doing Spravato for over a month now. I’ve dealt with depression on and off for over 10 years now, and my most recent episode has lasted for over a year. Needless to say, I’m exhausted and I viewed Spravato as my hail mary because meds and therapy haven’t really been moving the needle. I’m still not in a good space. I‘ve been noticing more suicidal thoughts lately, which is something that wasn’t happening as often when I first started. My nurse said it came take up to 12 sessions a difference. I’ve only had 7 so far. I thought things would feel better the more times I did it, but it feels like I’m regressing in some ways. I’ve seen people on here say it took a couple of months for them so that’s reassuring. I’m trying to hold on to hope that it’ll actually work for me, but it’s hard not to think there’s some irreparable about my brain specifically. For those who didn’t see immediate changes, how long did it take for you to notice a difference? What kept you hopeful during those early stages? Was there ever a point where it felt like things got worse before they got better?

I had my fourth session and it didn’t go as well expected or as smooth as the previous ones have. I usually go at the end of the work week, but this time I went in the middle of the week. Work has been stressful lately and that was more on my mind. I think that made it feel like less of escape for me than it is usually. I noticed feeling less euphoria and more of my typical thoughts that tend to be on the negative side. I felt present and could feel the anxiety and irritability in my body, which wasn’t a good feeling. Does anyone else have not so good sessions? What does that feel like for you? How did it impact your overall course of treatment?

I believe I’ve been selectively mute since a young age, but people say it as shyness therefore I’m making a choice to not talk. The older I get, the more I realize that it’s not a choice. Not talking or barely talking only when it’s required has been a consistent theme in my life. I remember being in activity groups growing up and rarely speaking to others there because I would freeze up and it felt unnatural to use my voice. This reality has led to me being judged or seen as stuck up and rude for something that feels beyond my control. I wasn’t really accepted for who I am because I was shamed so much for not talking. My family is very talkative so I was often viewed as the odd one out. I have a hard time speaking to family too. I have a lot of memories of being around peers and feeling completely isolated but to be fair I isolated myself first by not really speaking. I hold a lot of shame for being this way and spend more time than I should wishing that I was a different person. I can only be me and for me talking is extremely difficult. I could spend the entire weekend barely uttering a word aloud and that feels natural for me. I feel like in order for things to change I have to first get to a point where I at least love and accept myself for who I am right now and that feels impossible with all the shame. Has anyone ever felt shame for their SM and have eventually overcame it? What can I do to grow in my self acceptance and at the same time build up the confidence to know that I can change?