u/Sufficiently_Jokey

The pope is asleep in his chambers when he's awoken by a great ruckus of shouts and prayers. The conclave of bishops has been studying the scripture and determined something of grave importance: if the pope does not have sexual relations with a woman within the next 24 hours, all of humanity is doomed! Obviously, he's deeply shaken by the news and checks their findings only to discover that they are correct and there's nothing else for it.

A small group of especially discreet priests is assembled to find an appropriate woman for the pope to bed. As they are about to set out upon the streets of Rome, the pontiff gives them his final instructions:

"First, the woman must be blind, so that she will never know with whom she is having relations."

The priests all nod in understanding.

"Second, the woman must be mute, so that she can never tell of what happened."

Again, there are nods of agreement.

"And finally, she must have big tits!"

an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a South Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian, and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

This American businessman goes to Japan to purchase some material for his company. He arrived too late to meet the vendors that he would be dealing with, so he arranged to meet them for a round of golf the next day. With nothing else to do, he hit the hotel bar.

He is well-buzzed when this gorgeous Japanese woman sits down, and sure enough, the two hit it off and after a few more drinks, they head up to his room.

After several minutes of them fucking like crazy, she starts squirming and grunting "Machigatta ana, machigatta anaaa!". He thinks to himself, "Boy, I must be giving her the drilling of a lifetime!" They finish and she pulls on her clothes and leaves.

The next morning he meets the vendors and they head to the course. After doing so-so for the first three holes, he sinks a long 40-foot putt. Wanting to show his enthusiasm, he remembers the woman from the night before and yells "Machigatta ana!"

They look at him quizzically and say, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"

As punishment for a small infraction, Carlos found himself sentenced to twenty years in a labour camp. He was allowed to live at home, but each day he had to report to the camp to put in his 12-hour shift. When he came and when he left, he was of course searched for contraband, weapons, and the like. So, the guards were naturally suspicious when he started leaving each day with a wheelbarrow full of straw. Each day they diligently searched the straw down to the last fibre, but they never found anything. With his sentence now over, he left the camp for the final time and the guard stopped him one last time.

"Okay, Carlos," he said with a wry grin. "You're free to go now, but I need you to tell me what you were stealing all those years. I knew you were smuggling something out and you knew that I knew. It doesn't matter now anyway. What was it?"

"Wheelbarrows."

The sheriff asks, "Are you Mr. John Davidson?"

"Yes, I am."

The sheriff holds out a picture: "Is this your wife, Betty Davidson?"

"Yes, it is."

"Mr. Davidson, I'm sorry to inform you that it looks like she's been hit by a truck."

"Well, yeah, but she cooks well and she's got a great personality."

I have a weak spot for this genre: I love the Knives Out movies (and The Last of Sheila, which they're sorta based on) and Only Murders in the Building. Any similar movies I should try? It's okay if the film is old.

"Oh, it's the same thing weak in, weak out."

A woman decides she wants to get a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh. She goes to a local parlour but is really dissatisfied with the resulting portrait. So, the guy goes ahead and tries again on her other thigh. Again, she's not satisfied with the results.

"Look, lady," he says, "I'm sorry you're not happy, but there's nothing wrong with the art I did. You need to pay up."

"No way," she says, "Neither of them look like the king of rock and roll. I'm not paying you a cent."

They bicker about it for a bit and decide to get a third opinion. The next guy who walks past the shop gets corralled in by the artist. The lady hikes up her skirt and says, "Okay, do you recognize those faces?"

The guy takes a long look, then replies, "Well, I don't know about those other dudes, but the guy in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

"In the center ring," cries the ringmaster, "we have Nero, the boldest and bravest animal trainer in the world. Watch, ladies and gentlemen, as he puts his head between the jaws of our man-eating lion!"

The crowd roars as Nero pulls away his head unscathed.

"Now, folks, watch this!" shouts the announcer, as Nero unzips his pants and holds his prick between the slavering jaws.

"Don't do it!" shrieks the audience as the lion's jaws clamp shut. But, without flinching, Nero pulls them open and removes his unharmed penis, and wild cheers fill the arena.

When the noise dies down the ringmaster steps forward and announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, a prize of five thousand, yes, five thousand dollars, to the man in our audience who'll try that trick!"

His jaw drops as a fellow strides confidently up to the ringside. "Sir, do you really believe you're man enough to do it?" he asks incredulously.

"Certainly," says the man, "but I don't think I can open my mouth quite as wide as the lion did."

A husband and wife and their 18-year-old daughter, all enthusiastic golfers, were on the links. The husband and father foozled.

"Oh, fuck!" he cried in disgust.

His wife turned upon him in righteous wrath.

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself to use such language before your young daughter?" she burst out. "You ought to apologize to her this minute."

He turned to the daughter.

"I apologize, he said. "But, after all, daughter, you're not a child any more. You must have heard that word spoken before?"

"Yes, of course, father," she replied, "but never in anger."

Jerusalem, two thousand years ago: an angry mob has gathered to stone the town whore. Fists are raised, voices are shouting, people are out for blood.

But! From the crowd a quiet man stands forth and proclaims, "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first."

Reflecting on this wisdom, the people quiet down and consider the meaning. As they stand in quiet contemplation, however, a older woman enters the clearing, dragging a huge boulder along. Without a word, she heaves it up to her shoulder, and polishes the whore off with one shot.

The man sighs in disgust. "Mom, sometimes you can be a real pain in the ass."

A huge man walks into a bar, downs a double shot of whiskey, bangs a ham-sized fist down on the bar and shouts, "All the people on this end of the bar are cocksuckers!" Then he bangs the other fist down and shouts, "All the people on this end of the bar are sons of bitches!"

Just then he turned around and saw a fellow trying to sneak out behind him and roared, "Where in the hell are you going, little man?"

The timid soul replied, "I'm just going over to my side of the bar!"

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...l think I'll wait for the police."

A BIG Kansas farmer found it necessary to go to Minneapolis for several months and decided to leave one of his best workers in charge. "I want you to take care of things, Hank, as if I were here myself. Understand?" Hank nodded.

Four months later the boss farmer returned to find everything in shape. "See," he said, pointing things out, "the chicks have been laying plenty of eggs, the wheat has grown double strong, the vegetables is better than they've ever been, and as for those monthly spells your daughter used to have, I've even got those stopped."

A newly recruited French Legionnaire found himself stationed in a remote fort in the desert. After a few weeks had gone by, he took one of the old-timers aside and asked what the men do for a good time. "We use a camel" was the taciturn reply. Revolted, the young soldier turned his thoughts elsewhere, but as time went by and he got hornier and hornier, he could think of little else. Taking aside another veteran soldier, he asked the same question and got the same answer: "We use the camel." Finally, desperate, the young man accepted the fact that the camel was the only available outlet, and one night he snuck out to the barn. As luck would have it, one of the old-timers happened by the bar around the same time and caught sight of the young soldier up on a crate, screwing the camel. "What the hell are you doing?" he called out.

Rather puzzled, the recruit said, "I thought you said you used the camel for a good time."

"Yes, but usually we just ride him into town."

Milton was getting on in years - he was well into his eighties - and decided it was time for a last fling. So he went out and hired himself a prostitute for a night of pleasure.

About three weeks later he felt a growing pain in his groin and rushed over to the doctor's office, insisting on an emergency consultation. The doctor examined him thoroughly, then asked if he could ask a personal question. "Have you been with a woman anytime recently?"

Milton confessed the truth.

"Well, you better go look her up right away, 'cause you're about to come!"

A mother and a daughter lived together in devastating poverty, so it was a cause for great rejoicing when, on her way home from school, the daughter found fifty cents on the sidewalk. She ran home and showed it to her mother, who decided that for fifty cents they could get two eggs and a bottle of ketchup and have a real meal. So off went the daughter to the store.

As luck would have it, the daughter was happily skipping home with the eggs and ketchup when a truck backfired, startling her so much that she dropped the groceries. Staring down at the ruined feast, which was smashed ay her feet, she sat down and started to cry.

A man came up behind her and surveyed the scene for a few moments. "There there, honey, don't cry," he said consolingly, "It would have died anyway: Its eyes were too far apart."

Very concerned because his hens were laying fewer and fewer eggs each week, a farmer finally pinpointed the blame on his aging rooster, who clearly wasn't fulfilling his henhouse responsibilities. So he went out and bought a studly young rooster. Eyeing the newcomer, the old rooster said, "Listen, let's make a deal: I'll just take three hens, move over to that far corner, and leave all the rest to you."

"Not a chance," said the youngster. "This is my henhouse now and all the broads are mine."

"Very well," said the old rooster humbly, "but perhaps you'd do me one small favor to save my pride. Let's have a race and the winner gets the henhouse; that way it won't look as though I'm being replaced because I can't perform anymore."

Sizing up his rickety competitor, the young cock agreed, even granting him a four-length handicap. Off they started around the course, but it soon became evident that the four-length lead wasn't going to hold for long. Pretty soon it was down to two lengths, and as they rounded the turn, going flat out, the youngster was just about to overtake the old rooster. Just then the farmer stepped onto his porch, grabbed his shotgun, and blasted the new bird into smithereens. "Dammit!" he said as he set the gun down, "That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi walk into a bar and each ask for a drink. The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**

Without saying a word, the Priest, Minister, and Rabbi leave the bar.

The next day a chicken walks in and hops up onto a barstool.

The bartender approaches with a wary eye. "Are you part of this joke?"

"Yeah." the chicken replies.

He points to the sign: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**

The chicken argues, "Well, then how's a chicken supposed to get a drink?"

The bartender nods his head towards the door: "There's another bar across the road."

She made a good bit of money on the side.