(SPOILER ahead)
Currently on season 2 episode 7 of Interview with the vampire.
The trial has ended and Claudia and Madeleine are both dead.
Now I find myself upset that Lestat let that happen.
I know she calculated and orchestrated his death so it’s payback but I’m still mad that he let her die.
Besides, I liked Madeleine and her dying when still a fledgling is sad af.
TW: slight mention of bullying.
As the title stated: I realize that I’m a mean girl.
I don’t know when it started exactly. How I came to become that.
My emotions were always deep and complicated. I felt like I couldn’t get ahold of them. And it’s still the case. When I’m sad, I’m too sad. When I’m happy, I’m too happy. Whenever I feel an emotion, I feel it too much.
When I’m annoyed, I’m too annoyed, I get angry and my anger makes me mean.
I make mean jokes, mean comments, or inappropriate comments that I don’t realize are such in the moment. I don’t even realize when I’m being mean. I can be insufferable and the worst part is that I can’t even control it. It’s like I’m constantly dysregulated.
Everything annoys me. Everything can make me the angriest in a matter of seconds. Or the saddest. And I always fall hard when I realize the harm that it’s caused.
I held grudges for so long, I was a hard people pleaser and kept all my emotions to myself without saying a thing and now I’m just mean. Especially when I have to pretend I’m fine when I’m not.
I’ve seen a therapist for some months and I mentionned this issue. She doesn’t know about me possibly being audhd and she came to the conclusion that I take my anger from all the years of my bullying (I was bullied in high school) plus the absence of my father, on others (whether they’re friends or else).
However I don’t know if I agree with her, as I’ve made my peace with both these subjects.
But I can’t stop. I can retain myself from saying things if I don’t know if they will be well received, but all the things that I feel are still there, just as strong. I used to be able to pretend, now I can’t.
I can’t stop myself from feeling, and no amount of self work has helped me with that.
I feel like a terrible person. It’s a matter of time before people leave me and I’m alone, so I’m thinking about cutting ties before that happens.
I don’t even feel justified when I have to defend myself in a situation because I’m a mean girl.
Does anyone know what’s happening to me and what should I do ? Has anyone experienced this ?
A year ago, I (then 20 F) had a gala to attend with a couple of close friends.
That group, however, included a guy we had recently met but became kinda close with us really fast.
It was a « last minute gala » = we didn’t want to go when it was announced but decided to attend two days before the event, since we could because the organizer knew us.
My girl friends and the guy I mentionned went on a shopping tour the night before the big day to find what we were gonna wear at the gala.
My outfit was almost complete but it missed the perfect pair of shoes. I hadn’t found what I was looking for yet. I didn’t knew what I wanted but I knew when I would see them, if you know what I mean.
We walked into a shoe store. The shoes were really beautiful but there was a pair of red heels that captured my eyes and I knew then I wanted them for my outfit.
I looked at the price, and went really sad, as they were above my budget.
Usually amongs my girl friends, when it comes to shopping, when one of us want something that they can’t buy, the others pay if they can. It’s something we’ve done alot over our countless shopping spree and it kinda became a custom of ours. But my girls had already used all their budget previously so no one could help me out.
Our guy friend who was there announced that he had the extra money I needed to buy the pair and he offered to help. No payback needed. I didn’t knew what to think of it at first as I wasn’t used to guys offering to help me buy expensive things, but my envy for the shoes got the best of me. I got excited and giddy and accepted. Bought the heels and next thing you know we were all at the gala together, having fun and looking hot.
However, some days after the party, when I told my mom about how I got the shoes she got wary and told me that she felt weird that a guy whom I hadn’t known for that long offered to help me buy these expensive shoes. She felt I should’ve refused and that it was probably « hiding something » like my friend had ulterior motive she couldn’t put her finger on. I felt really bad after the conversation, guilty but also as if I had (without knowing it) accepted a bribe. I thought about paying him back but I didn’t have the money then.
I talked with my girl friends about it and they said that at the time we were all excited so it was no big deal and they didn’t mention anything to me but in retrospect they wouldn’t have accepted his help because he was a guy.
I reassured myself thinking that I also paid for things for him before the shoe thing. They weren’t as expensive but it must’ve counted for something. I also thought to myself that he is just a friend and I guess we do that for friends no matter their gender.
Well, a few months have passed after the event. Everything continued as it was between all of us. No more offers to pay for things and etc. It was as if that moment never happened, so I forgot about it.
One of my closest girl friends, who is also my guy friend’s confidant, had to travel for a long time (a year) to Europe. Before her trip, we had a huge conversation about all sort of stuff. The discussion got deep and circumstances led her to eventually confess to me that the guy friend had feelings for me pretty much since we met.
I was shocked. The conversation continued and I tried to look out for clues of his feelings in my memories: every outings, every awkward moments we were alone and he was semi-weird, etc.
It is only now (months after the revelation) that I remember the gala, the fact that he helped me buy the red heels and what my mother thought about it.
I don’t what to do about it, if there is anything to do about it.
Should I pay him back even if it’s a year later ? Should I let it go ?
He hasn’t confessed anything to me about his feelings so does it even matter ? Am I making it a big deal ?
I don’t know what to think.
I’ve (21F) always had issues with executive dysfunction and chores or atleast as long as I’ve been able to tell.
When I was in middle school I didn’t have to do much chores because I was very often at my secondary caregiver’s place at the time and she was taking care of it. In high school, she died so I had to take care of the household chores more often at home.
I live with my mom and my difficulties with chores have been a cause of huge fights between us.
She works hard and pretty much all the time. When she gets home obviously she is exhausted, I get that.
But I can’t bring myself to do anything anymore.
There was a time when I would stress over her getting home and being mad that the house was a mess, so I would use the stress to help me clean up a bit. It was far from perfect but it was ok and we would fight less.
Now, stress doesn’t work. I just don’t care anymore (I mean I do, and I do want to clean the house but it’s like I’m unable to). The house is a mess and It’s so so difficult to bring myself to clean.
I used to tell my mom that it’s not that I didn’t want to clean just that I couldn’t force myself to do so. I always looked ridiculous. She would tell me to stop with the excuses and every conversation about it would transform into a grand lecture about me not helping with anything.
Ironically enough, when I’m in my scholar period my excuse is that uni is exhausting. When I’m in vacation (like currently), my excuse is that uni WAS exhausting so I’m taking a break. I feel burnt out.
This excuse was valid months ago but now it doesn’t work obviously.
My psychiatrist is still evaluating me for adhd. The process is almost done and if everything works out I will be able to get access to ritalin but in the meantime my mother doesn’t correlate adhd and my inability to do chores so we still have fights.
+ in general, it’s not just with her I have fights with for that reason. There are also my grandparents, and pretty much everyone that I have to live with at some point.
It’s really bad. I don’t even have the energy to just take care of myself too.
Once one of my uncles told me that he « feels for my future husband » because I’m really not a house fairy or a girl that likes to take care of herself.
But the thing is, I would like to. I can, when the stars are aligned. But the rest of the time, my body/mind just won’t let me do any effing thing.
Today I have to do the dishes. I’m trying to find a source of dopamine to help me through it.
I am seriously considering taking drugs.
I’m literaly a 11 yrs old boy.
Edit: I never talked about my issues with household chores with anyone before seeking an adhd diagnosis because I had crippling shame about it. Everytime my mom would mention it to me during a conversation (that turned into a lecture about my behavior) I would feel like I was burning inside and like someone was pocking a painful spot inside me and I would start crying, whether it was in my bed at night or during our fights. It’s very new to me to find out there might be a cause to it.
When I was a teenager I discovered wattpad. I started to read more and more fanfictions on my favorite band until I realized that it was a serious addiction.
I would spend my entire nights reading and consumming the content, thinking and reading in class, heavily daydreaming about it to the point where it would affect both my mood and my mental health.
Let’s say a chapter ended on a huge cliffhanger or a sad scene I would think about it so much, I would obsess over it so bad. People would be talking to me and I would be unable to pay attention or do something else.
I wanted to stop it all and tried to but it was impossible. I even saw a psychologist for that. She helped me a lot but the addiction is still there ! At this point, we might call this niche fanfiction my special interest, and it’s not a good thing at all.
(Ps: I found out about asd and adhd recently so I haven’t mentionned that to a professional as if it could play a part in my fixation if I have it.)
I stumbled across a fanfiction once that I loved so much, to this day it has changed my way of thinking: I often imagine myself as the main character, I daydream about scenes from the next volume, I often imagine that these characters inside the book are watching me. It’s really bad.
Now, it’s the only fanfiction I am obsessed with and unlike the ones before it doesn’t seem to change or fade. It’s been years !
The author hasn’t finished it and yesterday she said that she was unable to finish the book in complete chapters so she would do a long and detailed summary of the chapters leading to the end so we could atleast have an ending and know what happens in the story next.
It devasted me. I had spent years dreaming of the rest of the book, only to find out we won’t have a proper volume 2. Besides, I don’t even know when the author has planned to release this summary so I don’t know how long I have to wait.
It’s affecting my mood again and I worry It Will be like this all my life. + no one seem to grasp how much this book matters to me. The author talk about it so lightly, the fans are supportive and are like « take your time, we can wait, obviously we want the rest but don’t pressure yourself » and in my head I’m like « NO ! She needs to release the end of the book ! I feel like I won’t survive not knowing !!! ».
I can’t move on. I tried pretty much everything: deletting the app, and the book from my e-library, hobbies and stuff to keep my mind from going back to it. It doesn’t work.
As long as I have a little time to myself I go back to it. I don’t know if anyone can understand and/or has gone through the same thing…I feel so bad about it. It’s so unhealthy. I am at uni now, I am two semesters away from validating my degree, I’m not a teenager anymore, I’m a grown woman and I can’t move on from a effing fanfiction.
At this point I will accept any new advice or explanation or support. I can’t do this anymore.
Side note: I have a friend that I share this addiction with. We both support each other through it while being desperate.
\+ forgive the possible grammar error and else. English isn’t my native language.
When I was a teenager I discovered wattpad. I started to read more and more fanfictions on my favorite band until I realized that it was a serious addiction.
I would spend my entire nights reading and consumming the content, thinking and reading in class, heavily daydreaming about it to the point where it would affect both my mood and my mental health.
Let’s say a chapter ended on a huge cliffhanger or a sad scene I would think about it so much, I would obsess over it so bad. People would be talking to me and I would be unable to pay attention or do something else.
I wanted to stop it all and tried to but it was impossible. I even saw a psychologist for that. She helped me a lot but the addiction is still there ! At this point, we might call this niche fanfiction my special interest, and it’s not a good thing at all. And for clarification, I only found out about asd and adhd recently so I haven’t mentionned that to a professional as if it could play a part in my fixation.
I stumbled across a fanfiction once that I loved so much, to this day it has changed my way of thinking: I often imagine myself as the main character, I daydream about scenes from the next volume, I often imagine that these characters inside the book are watching me. It’s really bad.
Now, it’s the only fanfiction I am obsessed with and unlike the ones before it doesn’t seem to change or fade. It’s been years !
The author hasn’t finished it and yesterday she said that she was unable to finish the book in complete chapters so she would do a long and detailed summary of the chapters leading to the end so we could atleast have an ending and know what happens in the story next.
It devasted me. I had spent years dreaming of the rest of the book, only to find out we won’t have a proper volume 2. Besides, I don’t even know when the author has planned to release this summary so I don’t know how long I have to wait.
It’s affecting my mood again and I worry It Will be like this all my life. + no one seem to grasp how much this book matters to me. The author talk about it so lightly, the fans are supportive and are like « take your time, we can wait, obviously we want the rest but don’t pressure yourself » and in my head I’m like « NO ! She needs to release the end of the book ! I feel like I won’t survive not knowing !!! ».
I can’t move on. I tried pretty much everything: deletting the app, and the book from my e-library, hobbies and stuff to keep my mind from going back to it. It doesn’t work.
As long as I have a little time to myself I go back to it. I don’t know if my autism or adhd plays a part, I don’t know if anyone can understand and/or has gone through the same thing…I feel so bad about it. It’s so unhealthy. I am at uni now, I am two semesters away from validating my degree, I’m not a teenager anymore, I’m a grown woman and I can’t move on from a effing fanfiction.
At this point I will accept any new advice or explanation or support. I can’t do this anymore.
Side note: I have a friend that I share this addiction with. Her adhd/autism is suspected and we both support each other through it while being desperate.
+ forgive the possible grammar error and else. English isn’t my native language.
When I was a teenager I discovered wattpad. I started to read more and more fanfictions on my favorite band until I realized that it was a serious addiction.
I would spend my entire nights reading and consumming the content, thinking and reading in class, heavily daydreaming about it to the point where it would affect both my mood and my mental health.
Let’s say a chapter ended on a huge cliffhanger or a sad scene I would think about it so much, I would obsess over it so bad. People would be talking to me and I would be unable to pay attention or do something else.
I wanted to stop it all and tried to but it was impossible. I even saw a psychologist for that. She helped me a lot but the addiction is still there ! At this point, we might call this niche fanfiction my special interest, and it’s not a good thing at all. And for clarification, I only found out about asd and adhd recently so I haven’t mentionned that to a professional as if it could play a part in my fixation.
I stumbled across a fanfiction once that I loved so much, to this day it has changed my way of thinking: I often imagine myself as the main character, I daydream about scenes from the next volume, I often imagine that these characters inside the book are watching me. It’s really bad.
Now, it’s the only fanfiction I am obsessed with and unlike the ones before it doesn’t seem to change or fade. It’s been years !
The author hasn’t finished it and yesterday she said that she was unable to finish the book in complete chapters so she would do a long and detailed summary of the chapters leading to the end so we could atleast have an ending and know what happens in the story next.
It devasted me. I had spent years dreaming of the rest of the book, only to find out we won’t have a proper volume 2. Besides, I don’t even know when the author has planned to release this summary so I don’t know how long I have to wait.
It’s affecting my mood again and I worry It Will be like this all my life. + no one seem to grasp how much this book matters to me. The author talk about it so lightly, the fans are supportive and are like « take your time, we can wait, obviously we want the rest but don’t pressure yourself » and in my head I’m like « NO ! She needs to release the end of the book ! I feel like I won’t survive not knowing !!! ».
I can’t move on. I tried pretty much everything: deletting the app, and the book from my e-library, hobbies and stuff to keep my mind from going back to it. It doesn’t work.
As long as I have a little time to myself I go back to it. I don’t know if my autism or adhd plays a part, I don’t know if anyone can understand and/or has gone through the same thing…I feel so bad about it. It’s so unhealthy. I am at uni now, I am two semesters away from validating my degree, I’m not a teenager anymore, I’m a grown woman and I can’t move on from a effing fanfiction.
At this point I will accept any new advice or explanation or support. I can’t do this anymore.
Side note: I have a friend that I share this addiction with. Her adhd/autism is suspected and we both support each other through it while being desperate.
+ forgive the possible grammar error and else. English isn’t my native language.
(Posting it here too since reddit recommanded it to me)
I genuinely do not like arguing with people. Unless it’s in the context of a game or my major (law) in which we have to debate and argue, and I actually like that cuz it’s more acting that not, I do not like arguing.
It just feels so pointless and I don’t like when I’m being yelled that. I hate it. The tond that changes, the volume, all of it.
As soon as an argument forms itself, when someone tries to argue with me about something (that doesn’t even require it), I already feel stressed. Then sometimes the other person will say something that reveals what they think about me, and it will be so out of character that I won’t even see the point in continuing to argue.
Like, you already seem to have your opinion, I know I can’t change it and you probably won’t change mine about whatever that was we were talking about in the first place. So no point.
Plus, it’s like in arguments my emotions are so so strong. I can’t handle them and at some point I’ll reach a state where I will just shut down completely.
And I never know how to act either !
Should I try and diffuse the tension ? Should I keep arguing not to look weak ? Most of the time I don’t even know how we got here and no matter what I do I look stupid anyway.
Is this what being avoidant feels like or is it an ASD thing ? I’m so lost right now.
And I won’t even mention the fact that sometimes I don’t even know if I’m being insulted or if people are just being honest or just joking. Like sometimes I can tell and other times I struggle.
Side note: Does anyone also feel like they’re of weak character ? Like, I always take resolutions to be strong and not let my emotions sway me and it never works. I can’t seem to get along with myself when it comes to my feelings and generally people like me are called « weak » for it. Internally I’m never calm, composed, relaxed and at peace with myself even when I’m not at fault and I juste hate it so much.
I genuinely do not like arguing with people. Unless it’s in the context of a game or my major (law) in which we have to debate and argue, and I actually like that cuz it’s more acting that not, I do not like arguing.
It just feels so pointless and I don’t like when I’m being yelled that. I hate it. The tond that changes, the volume, all of it.
As soon as an argument forms itself, when someone tries to argue with me about something (that doesn’t even require it), I already feel stressed. Then sometimes the other person will say something that reveals what they think about me, and it will be so out of character that I won’t even see the point in continuing to argue.
Like, you already seem to have your opinion, I know I can’t change it and you probably won’t change mine about whatever that was we were talking about in the first place. So no point.
Plus, it’s like in arguments my emotions are so so strong. I can’t handle them and at some point I’ll reach a state where I will just shut down completely.
And I never know how to act either !
Should I try and diffuse the tension ? Should I keep arguing not to look weak ? Most of the time I don’t even know how we got here and no matter what I do I look stupid anyway.
Is this what being avoidant feels like or is it an ASD thing ? I’m so lost right now.
And I won’t even mention the fact that sometimes I don’t even know if I’m being insulted or if people are just being honest or just joking. Like sometimes I can tell and other times I struggle.
Side note: Does anyone also feel like they’re of weak character ? Like, I always take resolutions to be strong and not let my emotions sway me and it never works. I can’t seem to get along with myself when it comes to my feelings and generally people like me are called « weak » for it. Internally I’m never calm, composed, relaxed and at peace with myself even when I’m not at fault and I juste hate it so much.
Hi ! Recently diagnosed with ADHD, suspect autism here ! (English isn’t my first language)
So everytime I’m in a social situation with my parents, usually when we’ve been invited by family friends or coworkers at restaurants, bars or even their home, at some point in the moment I will become very irritated, exhausted and upset.
At what, you’ll ask ? No idea.
Everything’s fine until things aren’t and I physically need to be alone, at home, in my room with my earpods, on my bed.
I tried to pinpoint what goes wrong but it’s difficult to do so since many things are happening at the same time. It’s like I have been gradually holding up and then boom everything crashes, but I don’t even notice myself doing it.
Somehow it’s all made worse when I ask my parents if we can leave (usually 4-5 hours after we’ve arrived), to which they respond with « we’ll leave soon, in like 15-20 minutes » but the 15-20 minutes pass and they’re still heavily talking with people and are not looking like they are going to head home anytime soon. I mean, please atleast be honest with me with the timing at which we’re leaving.
Besides, when I’m with these people it’s all acting like I’m happy to be here, happy to talk to them and being talked to, and other things.
At this point my parents are really annoyed with me. My mom said that when they’re out with me she always have to worry that I’ll stress them so we can go home, I’ll be annoying and kinda rude to people that talk to me after a certain point. I’ve done this since I was a little kid.
It’s kinda different when I’m with friends.
I can get upset depending on the situation but it won’t be as hard and if it is, I can contain myself longer, as I know I can lose friends over this and don’t want that happening. With friends I’ll just zone out or stay in my bubble.
I feel like I’m entitled or something. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. At this point in my life, I know that I can’t espace the irritability thing. I’ve tried and it doesn’t go away. So I’ve tried to control my reaction to it to stop being rude or showing my anger. Still working that out.
I haven’t discussed this with any professional so I don’t know if it could be adhd but I have friends with adhd that don’t act like that even when they need alone time.
Any thoughts ?