I’m a really stubborn person, so over the last 5 years with my condition I’ve seen over 25 different specialists, flew out of state to the best hospitals, spent thousands of dollars… and nothing ever even came close to helping.
I am exhausted. I’m depressed, defeated, tired, and hopeless. How do I get myself to stop constantly seeking treatments and reading about it? I genuinely do not know.
Every morning I wake up and look at the clock, and realize I have to get through at least 14 hrs of life before I can go back to bed and I just feel so much dread for those 14 hrs. Time moves so slow.
Im 35. I lost pretty much all my friends, my parents are retired and live a few hrs away and my sister doesn’t talk to me because she’s always really busy.
I work remotely because over the last few years I’ve been struggling with 3 chronic illnesses. on top of that, I’ve always struggled with treatment resistant depression and anxiety for as long as I remember.
I go months without talking to anyone but my remote coworkers. I go months without any hug, or physical touch. Everyone tells me to “get out and do things” but whenever I feel well enough to do something - like go on a walk, grab a coffee, go to a store - I’m still alone. And I’m still alone with my awful thoughts, so I genuinely just want to go back home and distract myself with tv or doom scrolling.
After years of doctors, tests & medications… I did the very last available treatment procedure for one of my conditions a week ago. Cost me thousands, It didn’t work, just like all of the other treatments. Once again, I’m left hopeless.
I still miss my ex partner, who broke our engagement and left me a few years into my illnesses. I believe he said “I can’t wait around for you to feel better”
I think about how I don’t want to be here every single day of my life. I feel so much jealously and resentment watching people live happy lives, start families, travel.
I am hopeless. And the pain I feel in my heart every day is more than I could possible explain. Is this all there is for me? Do some people really not deserve anything good in their lives?
I grew up catholic but I no longer believe in God/religion. As a teenager I prayed every night that my life would get better and I wouldn’t live with depression forever.
Well, I’m 35 now and not only do I still struggle daily with depression, I’ve also acquired multiple chronic conditions over the years. Now I feel like my mental and physical health is out of my control.
To add to that, a year ago my (now ex) fiancé left me after 7 years together because he was “tired of waiting for me to feel better”
Now I’m alone, literally all the time. In physical and emotional pain that seems unbearable most days, with no relief in sight. and I’m supposed to believe someone or something is looking out for me? Idk.
It’s been this way for years. But I feel like half of my day is spent mustering up the energy to do shit. like I have this internal battle in my head about every little thing I have to do. I have hyper POTS, ADHD, treatment resistant depression, and my neurologist suspects hEDS but it’s not confirmed.
The worst part about all of this… is I can’t ever tell if I’m just depressed? Is this normal ADHD executive dysfunction? Am I procrastinating because I’m lazy? Or if this actual fatigue?
I feel guilty for spending so much time in bed. But everything feels like such a fucking battle! I’m tired of feeling tired.