u/TheBigfootContessa

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwaway9191910

My [24F] coworkers are 'bullying' me over my weight and eating, and HR refuse to do anything

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Body shaming, hostile workplace!<

Original Post July 28, 2014

Throwaway because I feel pathetic writing this, and I'm not sure whether I'm completely overreacting or not. Sorry about the horrible grammar/spelling/longness.

I've worked for a helpline for the past five years. It's a small, specialised helpline, so there's only around 12-15 people on the floor at once, plus six office staff (HR manager + assistant, admin and payroll staff). Due to timetabling, we take our breaks in our teams - In my team there's myself, Julie [23f], Sally [35ish] and Joan [45ish]. Julie and Joan are overweight, while Sally is very obese. Joan has been with the company since the beginning, and is besties with the HR manager.

About six months ago I started to bring a packed lunch, to save money, rather buying from the fast food place next door to take back to the canteen. Ever since I stopped going with my team to buy lunch, they've started some sort of weird vendetta against my weight and eating habits. It started off by commenting on my lunch - typically pasta or meat/fish, rice & veg. Every day they started making snidey remarks about what I was eating. They'd say that it looked "disgusting/how they don't know why I'm eating that rabbit food crap/ rather be fat than starve themselves" etc. They also started to say how I thought I was better than them/deliberately trying to make them feel bad, despite me never ever mentioning their weight or diets.

I'd tell them that I enjoyed that dish/that I wasn't on a diet. Despite this they'd still make comments about starving myself/being a rabbit, even after seeing me eat. They'd also make comments about how lucky 'you skinny bitches are that you can eat anything you want.' They'd say these things every single day. They'd stop when I asked, but I'd asked them time and time again not to make comments like that, and the next day they would.

I'd ignore this, and to be honest it didn't bother me that much. Then they moved on to insulting my body. They'd make comments about how skinny I am, that my arms looked like twigs, I shouldn't lose any more weight. They told me I'd never get a boyfriend until I put on weight, and would talk about celebrities with bodies similar to mine, saying how disgusting and boyish they looked.

I've gained weight since I started eating better! I'm a 8UK, but I'm very fit/athletic, and have clear muscle definition with no bones sticking out. I do not look underweight by any means. I'd tell them not to make comments about my body, that I felt it was hurtful and inappropriate. They'd stop, tutting, rolling their eyes and mumbling under their breath about how I was being dramatic and shoot eachother looks.

Again this continued, one day (about a month ago) I told them that they wouldn't like it if I made comments like that to them, only to be told that "being told you're skinny is a good thing, you can't be bullied for being skinny.' I reiterated that I found it upsetting, and didn't want them mentioning my food/eating/weight, and that I would take things further if it continued. To be honest, it was an empty threat, and I chose instead to eat lunch outside alone. They'd still make comments during work - the job involves some webchat/emailing, so we often have down time to chat.

Anyway, as time has gone on they get worse and worse. Two days ago I was talking to a girl from another team about the pizza I had the night before, and overheard Sally joking that I probably threw it straight back up. The final straw was today. There's building work going on opposite my building, so I decided to have lunch in the canteen today to avoid the noise and dust. Joan, Sally and Julie decided to hold an intervention for my 'eating disorder'. Like I mentioned above, I do not look underweight and they've seen me eat pretty much every day for five years. This was purely malicious.

I basically lost it, and yelled at them. My team leader was in the canteen at the time, and took me into the corridor. She told me if I was having problems to take it to HR. She was supportive and said she'd noticed they were 'jealous' and being 'mean' to me, but there wasn't anything she could do about it as it was a HR issue. So I went to HR. As I mentioned at the beginning, Joan is best friends with the HR manager.

I told the HR manager everything, to have her tell me I was wasting her time, and that skinny shaming wasn't real, and that everything they said was meant as a compliment. I asked to file a complaint and she refused. I can't remember the rules for making complaints exactly (will check the code of conduct tomorrow when I go in), but from memory, it's the same as warnings eg, I have to give verbal, written, final complaints before things can escalate above HR. I rather pathetically stormed out of her office and left work for the day.

I'm at a loss what to do now. I've spoken to my co-workers and HR to be told that this problem is not a problem, and they won't do anything about it. I'm trying to go through the proper channels and being denied! I have in the past asked to swap breaktimes and been told I can't due to timetabling. I'm planning on asking to switch to another team. I'm jobhunting, but I live in an area with high unemployment and so I don't want to leave my job without having another in it's place. Am I blowing this out of proportion? I feel like such a pathetic little child.

TLDR: Co-workers are skinny-shaming me daily, HR is best friends with one and refuses to file a complaint for me.

Update Aug 3, 2014 (6 days later)

I want to start off by thanking everyone for their comments, I really wasn't expecting such a response. A few people advised me to record my co-workers - we aren't allowed phones on the floor due to data protection laws. We are allowed them in the canteen but as our lockers are downstairs, I usually just grab it on my way out for a lunchtime cigarette, check it outside, then put it in my locker on my way back up. I'm obviously going to start taking it into the canteen now. Some of this might be out of order, so bear with me!

So, to start off with, I logged as many incidents as I could remember exactly into a little diary. I actually managed to remember quite a lot, using texts/messages/food plans for the dates and details. Tuesday morning I'm outside smoking before my shift and my line manager joins me. She asks if I'm okay and what happened with HR. I tell her, and she told me she'd expected as much, and that I should take it higher and she would back me up. She also tells me that we're bidding for a government contract which would mean a lot of opportunities and so I need to stick around.

Go to start my shift, and as advised, sent the HR manager an email about how I was again requesting she file an official complaint, included details, and made sure to mention things like 'hostile working environment' and 'harassment' and mentioned I'd logged events and had witnesses. About thirty seconds after I sent the email, the HR manager comes onto the floor and asks me into her office. When we're there she asks me what the email was about and I pretty much repeat it word for word. I ask her what she's going to do and she says she will file the complaint and speak to my co-workers. I go back to my desk and email her asking for the notes from our meeting. She replies saying 'I'll talk to them.' Later on that day, a non-evil co-worker makes a joke about how milky my tea was, and Joan says 'Oooh, careful, you don't want to get done for bullying her.' It's very clear that the HR manager has just told my co-workers about my issues, rather than talked to them.

Our director comes in on a Wednesday, so before I leave work I email her and ask if I can speak to her when she comes in. The next day comes, and she finds me on the floor and asks me to go to her office on my break. I tell her everything, making sure to include all the buzzwords and about HRs lack of help. I also insinuated that I had taken legal advice. I felt as though the director also didn't believe in skinny shaming and seemed pissed off at me for bringing it to her, but since she thought I'm gonna sue them, she seemed to take it seriously. She said she'd speak to HR and make sure this was resolved.

Thursday I meet my line manager outside for a cigarette before work, and she tells me that after I'd finished my shift (I work 32 hours a week, Julie, Sally & Joan work 40, so they usually start and finish a bit earlier/later) that she'd been called into a disciplinary meeting with each of the co-workers. LM tells me that while Julie and Joan were apologetic in their meetings, Sally wasn't. Instead of accepting the warning and agreeing not to continue, she tried to blame it on me! Claimed that I was purposely bringing in packed lunches to shame her, and how I was rubbing my body in her face (not literally!) and trying to make her feel bad about herself. She also claimed it was ridiculous, and that thin people couldn't be bullied/receive negative comments). Julie and Joan received verbal warnings, and Sally received a written one as she'd had a previous warning for her attendance (next step is final, then fired).

Later that day, Joan comes up to me and apologises, tells me she didn't realise that she was being offensive, was being motherly and got caught up. I had told her several times when she made comments, it was offensive, and so I felt like she was pinning it all on Sally (who I do believe is the ring leader, but the other two are grown women and responsible for their own actions). Julie has so far ignored the topic, but been a lot friendlier. I've seen Sally trying to goad the other two into bad behaviour. We work in a paperless office, and as we're a very specific helpline we have a lot of downtime so we tend to stalk the Daily Mail website, which isn't exactly the most female-body-friendly publication out there. Several times Sally has asked if the other two have seen the pictures of certain celebrities with body types like mine eg ("Ugh, did you see that photo Miley Cyrus posted in a bikini? How horrible did she look?"). I've had the impression she's been trying to get the other girls to trash talk those bodies so she can still be mean to me a passive aggressive way, without actually saying anything herself. Then again I could be reading into it too much, but I honestly don't care any more. It's very clear Sally is a bitter woman, projecting her own insecurities on to me.

So, it looks like a happy ending! I'll make sure to log any further incidents and bring them to HR. Thank you reddit, I love you all.

tl;dr: Took my case to the company director, HR finally issued warnings, Joan and Julie have stopped, I suspect Sally is trying to encourage them to act up, but I've risen above even caring now.

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My [24F] coworkers are 'bullying' me over my weight and eating, and HR refuse to do anything

Desperado at Buffalo Bills Hotel

You can use your 15 minute smoke break for whatever you want

Enough with the drinking!

BDSM or BDSM coded?