u/Then_Sandwich4629

Hi, I need a place to vent and write down the way I feel, and this seems to be the right place to do so. I've had dp/dr for years now. I can't remember when it started, I only remember years ago when I was around 12 that I noticed that my memory felt odd. I even researched what memories are supposed to be like.

I stumbled upon the term dp/dr only a year ago and everything started making sense. Memories always felt like they were injected into my head a few seconds ago, and nothing I remember feels like it happened to me. Aside from that, I can't seem to remember anything well. It's like I forgot 85-95% of my life. Looking into the mirror always felt weird and I never felt like that's me. Someone on here described the condition like being "a bag of meat inside a flesh suit mimicking noises to the outside world", and that really resonated with me. I feel completely disconnected to what I say, it's like I'm not saying anything, while the person I'm trapped inside of does. Same goes for all my senses, movement and even my emotions. I have no connection to the person I'm inside of.

I looked at this list and lots of other symptoms resonate with me as well: https://www.reddit.com/r/dpdr/comments/1cf3ztg/extensive\_list\_of\_dissociation\_symptoms/

Only thing I don't understand is surroundings being dreamlike or surreal. But I don't know what stuff is supposed to be like otherwise. I can't remember the times before dp/dr and so I have no clue of what life without it is like. I don't have any comparison, so I can't tell whether I'm experiencing that symptom.

I also never went to therapy, so I have no official diagnosis, and never talked about it with a professional in any way. At the moment, I have no means to get help due to several reasons.

The cause for my illness also isn't clear. My theory is that it comes from growing up without a person I could trust/open up to and maybe neglect. I didn't grow up with a best friend, I was rather clinging to my friendgroup than being a solid part of it and during lockdown I was forgotten by my them and also even my school class. I never felt comfortable with opening up to my parents, but I wasn't really abused or anything like that. I also doubt that I had a traumatic event as a child which I forgot about. I've been bottling up my emotions for years now, and I never managed to convey my feelings to anyone. I also used to isolate a lot outside of school and I have this feeling that I've wasted my life so far.

Life is a nightmare at the moment and the best thing I can do is not think about it, or anything at all since I have a lot more struggles going on.

Das war glaube ich eine Stelle aus einer TV-Sendung, wo eine ältere Frau von einem Drehrad am Kopf getroffen wurde, woraufhin sie "commotio cerebri" sagt.

This is something I noticed in the past few years and it's something that makes me unable to make close friendships. I used to never do anything besides school, and I barely hung out with people. I wasn't really part of a closer friend group for years and there were only few times ages ago where I had a best friend. I never even did much with my parents and so I sort of isolated when I wasn't at school.

But I always wanted a close friendship, a best friend or even a partner. Someone who views me as their favorite person. But when I finally managed to make friends months after graduating school, I noticed that the person who that talked to me, asked me to hang out and texted me only annoyed me and I always had the strong urge to cut them off and never talk to them again. The one that didn't see me as a closer friend made me really clingy, chase after them and I was so anxious I felt like I went insane. The person who viewed me as their best friend just pissed me off, while the one who I viewed as my best friend didn't return my attention. I ended up ruining both friendships.

Right now I'm starting to get into the same situation again and I'm feeling more and more anxious of what will happen. Someone came into my life who wants to do stuff regularly, but I just feel uncomfortable and annoyed. I just wish I could completely erase that person from my life. I still say yes to everything to not make them mad or sad, and maybe also because I can't say no.

I still don't really know if I'm just overreacting because I have bad luck with the friends I make. I only share few interests with the ones that "chase" after me, but lots of shared interests with the ones I chase after. Or maybe something is really wrong with me, since I feel like you could enjoy time with someone who's not the same as you. Only time will tell unfortunately and I need more experience with friendships.

I wanna start listening more to entire Albums, start to finish, so let me know what your favorite Albums are! I'm interested in the following, regardless of the genre and the voice bank used:

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1. Your favorite Album

2. Favorite "old/classic" Album

3. Favorite "new gen" Album

4. An Album every fan should listen to at least once

5. A hidden gem

​

Feel free to recommend more than just one Album per category, or just the one category you feel like answering :)

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Does someone know where you can get imported monster energy cans? I found some java flavors at Edeka Zurheide and lots of cans at the Dokomi, but aside from that I only ever found the usual ones available in the EU. Does anyone know what stores around the area offer more "rare" cans?

I want to get everything out once so this might be a longer post.

I've had trouble socializing for almost a decade now. I was always uncomfortable with the thought of opening up to someone, so I never managed to convey my emotions to anyone. My family never felt like a place where I can be myself, I was the odd one out in my friend group during school and I always kept all my interests hidden, scared that someone might find out. There were some times when I tried to open up about some stuff to my parents, but it always backfired; they either got mad or laughed at what I was saying, not taking me serious. I now constantly lie about doing stuff with my friends so my mom doesn't get mad at me for being alone, when in reality I don't do anything with others.

Now I feel like no one knows my true self, as if I keep my personality hidden from everyone. This makes me feel like every interaction is surface level at best and I never felt like I have a real friend. Over time I became really dissociated and I learned to subconsciously suppress my emotions for years. Whenever I meet new people, I feel so uncomfortable to the point where I just want to leave the situation, making it almost impossible to make friends, since I have to "force myself" to interact with them for weeks before becoming comfortable with them. And even then, it feels like I keep my true self hidden and only show them a side I allow them to see, if that makes sense. I have almost a decade worth of untold emotions bottled up.

I managed to actually make a friend about 1.5 years ago and it felt like I finally might have something like a "best friend", since it was the first time I actually liked being around someone and anticipated the time with them. I became really anxiously attached to that person without knowing, but someday I found out that I'm not their best friend in return. While all my emotions depended on this one person, I wasn't even in the top 3 closest people to them. Seeing how they constantly did stuff with others (that I would have loved doing), them calling others constantly, but never me, them never asking me to do stuff and me putting in 90% of the effort in that friendship has crushed me and left me feeling worthless.

(On a side note: the one time they suddenly did invest lots of time on my birthday, I was just annoyed for some reason. I never had someone arrange that much stuff just for me and give me a present, and this should have overjoyed me, but that was the only time I lost my attachment for 2 days, never thinking of them. I have no clue why I felt that way, but it seems very weird to me.)

At one point, seeing them have more fun with others made me feel so miserable I had several breakdowns, sh, and constant suicidal thoughts. It was so unbearable I felt like I finally needed to open up to someone because I'd go insane otherwise, and I made the big mistake of opening up to that one person over text.

I found some excuse as to why I felt that way, because I didn't want them to know about how close I was to them and that they were the reason I felt that way. As a reaction, they tried giving me advice and it seemed fine at first, but once the conversation was over, they never reached out to me, still never asked to hang, and since they said they feel absolutely no empathy and share lots of narcissistic traits in the past, I'm convinced I never crossed their mind once and that they weren't worried about me in the slightest.

Now Idk if that's stupid, but at the time of opening up I told them that it's easier for me to just send reels about my situation (since we spammed reels to each other often), since it's hard for me to come up to someone and say that I'm not alright. After our conversation, they never watched anything I sent for days, which is weird because usually they were online every few hours, sending stuff or responding to my messages. I had to ask why they stopped watching stuff and the response was "I don't really feel like it these days". That left me feeling very odd for a few days, like something was always off, especially since they never told me they stopped using Instagram, and I was the one who had to ask what's going on.

Weeks later I thought about it again and realized how crazy that was. I tried opening up about suicidal thoughts once, and as reaction, my feelings were completely neglected and I got my only form of communication taken away. I realized that that person really was a horrible influence on me, and months later (after many tries), I managed to build distance from them.

Now I'm even more scared of opening up to anyone, and talking about my emotions gets me into a state of panic with a complete blackout, close to having a breakdown. At this point I have no friends left in my life, since I neglected the few friendships I had during the time I was attached. And since I now keep even more of myself hidden, I've come to feel even more uncomfortable around others. It's like I'm acting as a completely different person and everyone just knows the character I'm acting, but not "me". I keep on automatically making up fake-scenarios in my head, where I talk to the people I once knew, and the only thing keeping me from crying everyday is the imaginary friends I have.

So in order to make friends, I have no choice but to open up, but I could only open up to someone who I already consider a very close friend who can "worry" about me and who I feel safe with. It's like an endless cycle where the only outcome is me not interacting with anyone and isolating.

And opening up like this online, not face-to-face to anyone, doesn't help me. I only write this to get my feelings out somehow.