u/Umnoverso

I think that happened (unnexpectedly) to me during the 6th day?

I went to my room to sleep after almost 10 hours of meditation and had this crazy energy running throughout my body.

I remember that at day especifically, during the end where they play the one-hours video of Goenka, my body was full of energy, and I remember while I was sat watching the video my body would shake crazily, as if the atoms were vibrating at higher frequency.

I proceed after the video ends to my room, and can’t sleep at all! Felt a sense of deep happiness, contentment, felt excited, even thougj I couldn’t sleep and knew I’d have to wake up soon enough again, it didn’t matter, that sense of excitment was amazing to feel, that state of higher energy was unstoppable, nothing could beat me.

Yeah, I couldn’t sleep properly indeed, but that was new to me, that feeling, since I always experienced life in a heavy, dense way.

It was beautiful to feel that and I’ll never forget it.
I wish that was my standard living mode, I’d be fullfilled for my whole life.

As expected, it lasted probably 15 hours more or less, then I went back to a normal energetical state.

But it blew my mind, what made me feel that way, nothing really bothered me.
My roommate snoring really reeeeeally loud, and me not being able to sleep? It doesn’t matter, It’s what it is.

Did you experience anything like that at all?

I am not getting this part, I’ve read that some people say you have to create an experiment without expectations of the outcome.

In other forums I’ve read you gotta create an experiment with the mindset of disproving that idea.

Now, to me, it only makes sense to create an experiment in order to prove that whatever I am testing, sustains my claim, therefore I can create another hypothesis or do another experiment coming from a different angle to see if I’ll get similar or different results.

The experiment will support my claim, it doesn’t make sense to me that I am doing all that hoping it will fail.
Though I understand that if it fails it’s also data and it also has its importance and that I could either readjust it, or find out why the experiment failed.

My question is if there is any consensus or if that depends on the field the research is being done, or perhaps it differs from person to person, I’ve even heads that some companies hire scientists to find claims that will support whatever ideias they want to prove in order to make profit, so poor unethical science.

The thing is the semantics are a little bit confusing to me, reason why I am seeking further claficarion from more experienced people.

Thank you for your help.

No wonder why I developed it…
Come on.. did it have to take that long for me to realise that?

Yes, it did…

“It’s okay” I am repeating to myself now.

Now what I did was simple (Bear in mind not so simple since I am in therapy for 1 and a half years, and researching about psychology for nearly 10 years now) : I wrote on my notebook three different categories:

| Childhood | Adolescence | Adulthood |

Then, I wrote down how I was feeling in each one of those stages of my life, things I was going through.

Turns out it served me as a map, it was like I was looking at the map of my own life, what steps have brought me to where I am now.

It led me to realise the Burnout I suffered didn’t happen just “out of nowhere” as I thought…
It was something that was being built up over and over through the years.

It also led me to understand that being a people pleaser (Yes, I became a people-pleaser/fawning persona) was a coping mechanism to deal with the fear of rejection, the anxiety, the fear, the existential dread, and the intensive, unprocessed, strong, emotional states I had no idea how to manage.

I was a people pleaser for many many years, until things became too much for my nervous system to deal, and I had a complete shutdown, my hair started to fall off, and I literally felt life the life in me was “burning out” slowly until I came to this stage where I had a big identity crisis.

All the emotions I was hiding beneath the people pleasing mask I was wearing, they came to the surface.

I think the most painful thing of all, was to go through all of those symptoms without knowing what was going on.
Feeling the agony, the dread, the suffering, the anguish, the hopelessness, the helplessness, while slowly my false sense of self was fading away.

I lost many “friends” I isolated, I had agoraphobia symptoms, general anxiety, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, obsessive compulsive thoughts, existential crisis, identity crisis, I gained a lot of weight, and I felt like I was at the edge of having a psychotic breakdown and all of that happened at the same time, these states were fluctuating over the days.

On top of that, I still had to manage to be functional or so I tried, and took care of many of my family issues, documentations, and etc when they moved in with me.

I quit many many jobs as I couldn’t keep them for more than 6 months.

At some point I had to tell my family I wasn’t doing well.

I remember I didn’t receive much support from them, I was just left alone, they gave me more space, I guess, but they’re not the type of people that know how to deal with these issues, and 100% have no idea what that even is.

I don’t blame them, even though, my parents were one of the main causes of why I am dealing with these issues nowadays. (Typical toxic, unstable family dynamic.)

(I don’t talk much to my dad, my parents are divorced and I moved abroad away from my family, but 5 years later they came to live with me, so now I live with my mom and siblings, or better saying they live with me.)

When my family came to live with me, coincidentally (or not) the burnout happened.
In a way I am so grateful that this happened when they were here, or that it happened because they were here to in a way, because it was great to have their presence even if only that, and also, I was able to go through this process of symbolic death and discover all these mental issues I had. My family triggered the hell out of me, I explain that like this: Have you ever heard that if you hit an elephant and ten years later you visit him again, he will still remember you and what you did? turns out same thing happens to us humans, our nervous system never forgets.

Anyways, now, fast forward to todays, it feels like I lifted a big big big carpet off from the floor, and I can see ALLLLL the dirty I had hid underneath it.

It’s gross, honestly, and I am so sorry for any person that has to live with CPTSD and other mental issues that come together with it.

I see now how important it is to make that link, through who you are now, and our childhood years, adolescence, and our life experiences in general.

Yes, I was conditioned by my early experiences and most of my mental issues are things that were always there, that I endured for many years, but that my body at some stage just shut down at some point because it was too much to cope.

Burnout is literally the most common outcome of people-pleasing, high performers, fawning behaviour and others.

Burnout is the person you think you were, dying slowly, Jung for example names that as “The Death of the Hero” or “The death of the good boy/good girl”.

So if you are going through something like this, if you think your life was taken away from you, and you think it’s so unfair, and you feel like you are in a limbo of who you were and who you wanted to be, don’t give up.
There is, listen, There is! a way through.
Not out! Through it.

This is not anedoctal, this is not a myth, this is not spirituality, this is not positive thinking, this is not positivism!
There is a way, for you, to recover the power of being your authentic self. There is a way for you to live a life that you are proud of.

Unfortunately, there is still not one fix for all these problems, but therapy for people with CPTSD IS one of the main ways to heal this psychological wound faster.
I wish therapy was more accessible for people, and I know a lot of people can’t afford it with the economy issues we have.

But one day, if you’re one of these people, I hope you can have access to a professional therapist who knows what they’re doing.

You can achieve a better life, and again, that’s not wishful thinking, that’s my own experience supported by many clinical studies, and research, and trial and errors, on an attempt of forging a new self from the depths of hell. (Even though it feels like this part of me was always there, though jailed inside a cage)

I am still in recovery, and I think my past will always be part of me, the only thing is that now I understand that I don’t need to live under the shadows of yesterdays, and can choose to live on the brightness of my choices here and now.

My emotional states are not a definition of who I am anymore, but of how I truly wanna feel, so if I am sad, depressed, and lethargic, I try to go for a walk, or take a rest, or watch a movie.

The secret is also to take action, and find ways to cope with the emotional waves, the triggers, the flashbacks, the addictions, and so on…

Do your research, don’t give up, stay consistent, no matter how hard things get, and don’t forget, there’s a way through, that will bring you to the most real version of you you’ve ever met.

So I work at this company, and to make things worse, I work with my brother there, and he is kind of the leader of the projects we have to do.

I’m grateful because he got me the job when I really needed it, but with this offer at the time, I didn’t realise I would have to put up with a lot of expectations coming from him, a lot of nitpicking, we had many many arguments, and it was horrible every time.

Now, we have the same boss, and our boss is a total cunt, disrespectful, inconsiderate human being.

He yells at some of his younger staff, he already called me a stinky bastard, and he comes out of nowhere when I am doing my job and says, “What the fuck are you doing?”
His presence is very threatening; he comes with the aura of a boxer walking towards the ring when he needs to come and talk to us.
It seems like he likes to make the younger guys feel afraid of him.

He’s always with this cranky face on, which is fine, only his actions are the thing that pisses me off.

Like, smhtg that makes my blood boils is that EVERYTHING, he needs from me, he tells it to my brother, and ignores me. I am right in front of him, he knows I am the one doing a certain job, but he doesn’t tell me. NEVER.

If I make a mistake, which has already happened before, he tells my brother; he doesn’t tell me directly, he doesn’t give me feedback, nothing.
If an item has to be put down vertically, and he knows that for six months I have been managing that job, he’ll tell my brother right in front of me.
I feel useless… No emotional intelligence coming from him at all.

Now, you know he doesn’t give me any feedback, he never say “good job” and quite the opposite, he just said to my brother a few minutes ago, “If I was working with him (me), I would have punched him already.” I said, “But you do work with me” (because I was already so angry).
To make things worse, my brother didn’t like it and started treating me like shit for a few minutes because he believes I should help him more, so he kinda used that as a way to pair up with my boss to be like “See, I told you you needed to help me more”.

Here, my brother is a really difficult person to work with; he is kind of oppressive and monopolizes the whole job. He has no patience and wants things done fast, he also doesn’t like any type of joke at work, only accepts when it’s the boss, supervisor or something like that. Also he wants to be the one leading everything, which is totally okay with me (He got me the job.) but he sometimes has a condescending way of doing so and expects too much of the other staff working with us, leading him to treat his coworkers in a passive-aggressive way.

He already had a problem with five other people who worked with us, and obviously, we also had a problem working together, because we’re family and that makes conflict at work much easier to happen.
But anyway, my brother and my boss get along really well together. My brother is a big fan of Trump, Bolsonaro, Conor McGregor, and all these somehow oppressive figures that are like: "Okay, it’s either my way or the highway!"

I am so fucking tired, so fucking tired of working in places like this, waking up at 5:30 in the morning to go to that shithole, give my energy, repeat to myself that I care about the job, and always strive to give my best where I can, only to have an unprofessional, clueless, bully boss telling me I am a stinky bastard, yelling at me out of nowhere for no reason, ignoring me as if I don’t work there sometimes, and ignoring my mistakes to tell another person in front of me, as if I were not there….

Honestly, the system is the real hell, and bosses like this are demons making people’s lives miserable.

Just venting I guess…

You know how straight men can’t control themselves when they see a woman, and they make comments we have all heard plenty of times before.
Now that I’m almost 30, I’m finally coming to terms with my own sexuality and accepting myself as I am and my desires, accepting that there’s nothing wrong with me.

With that acceptance, I realised how I’m literally attracted to the male body in the same way straight men are attracted to boobs and ass…

I love men’s bellies, no matter if they are overweight or fit, there’s beauty there, the curves… The thighs as well, their asses, their armpits. I want to see everything, go through every detail of their bodies and use all my senses to explore it.

I also like to exchange bodily fluids, like saliva. I like really hot sex, with chemistry, almost animalistic, but conscious enough that we are in the moment, on fire…

Men’s testicles are beautiful, and each has a different and unique shape. Their pubic hair, it doesn’t matter to me if they shave or not, I want to see every curve and touch and smell.

Men’s feet? Don’t even start… I like clean feet, I like when they take care of them. I want to see every toe, smell in between their feet, lick it, taste it.
I like to smell men’s natural odor, like after a long day of work. I want to smell their raw essence, their groin.

Their penis now, I also like the smell that builds up, the famous smell of dick. I want to relish the smell, no rush, like a sommelier, but one that tastes and smells dick.

I like how we are more open with one another, and we are more rustic and more wild, and we have fewer boundaries when it comes to sex. This makes men more inclined to try anything during sex, to try different fantasies.

I like when a man uses me too, if he slaps me in the face, chokes me, calls me a slut, and tells me I’m his property, and uses me as a tool to fulfill his most secret pleasures.

I’d like to say that I prefer to do all that safely, without risking my health in any way, but I like to go to the edges of my limits but not trespass them.
I’m getting into being a master lately, I guess the dream of the oppressed is to become the oppressor, and so I’m growing more and more into that fantasy, to use someone and dominate them.
All in all, I don’t feel that much attracted to women. I find them beautiful in a more poetic way, in a more artistic way. Sex-wise, I don’t want to see their curves and smell them and touch them as I
would like to do that on real men.

The strength of men, holding me and squeezing me while we’re having sex, is phenomenal to me. Their smell, their bodily fluids, their openness, their virility, how they can be naughty and very sex-driven, almost being able to let their animal side flourish… I love all that, and I’m tired of denying that, at least for myself…

You know, I see those videos on Instagram, or certain Youtube channels and it is all about self-improvement, or what is your advice for the younger generation, or what would you tell your younger self version to do differently.
I see youtubers asking advice from business’s men and they talk about their businesses, using phrases and quotes that are not even that deep, and you see their faces lightening up like they are the sun, the protagonists, on top of the world, a distorted sense of pride, and some of us mere mortals looking up to them, as role models, references.

Self-improvement kind of became a hassle, or a full time job, yeah, it literally is, we’re living the capitalisation of self-development.
If anything it is pushing people even further away from their process of individuation, of spirituality, and real philosophy.

Reason why I don’t have the stomach to stay in social media.
Advice became an asset, and I always had it with me that advice wasn’t a good thing, and that we should learn things on our own terms, respecting our own time, potential, and unique experiences.

Of course, guidance and support from mentors, parents, or guardians are YES a good thing, IF… IF the person sharing the information KNOWS… KNOWS…. how to do it.
Without seeking fame or protagonism, without trying to convince others, without speaking from the ego, but speaking from love, from discernment, and mainly detachment.

Most things I see on social media are hollow, without content, just words that sound nice and shinny together, but that if you approach closer, you find out it was a lamp post all along the way, and not the sun.

Advice is a gift given to each one of us at a specific moment and place in time.

Like in the myths when the warrior, the hero is lost, or running in circles, and then a mysterious force appears, a master, a strange, and give him/her a map, a sword, a bow, or it gives them a mission….

You are not supposed to live a life swallowing, absorbing, all the swords and maps, and missions, bows, and things you find along the way, trying to avoid the challenges, and dangers you oughta face.

Have you ever had that feeling about some quote you’ve always repeated to yourself, but never actually lived by it… BUT during an ordinary day, it feels like now it finally clicked… NOW you understand what you had been repeating for years, Now it really FEELS like you can touch the wisdom behind the sequence of words you’ve been repeating all along? If yes, it’s becase you have became a little bit wiser that day, because now you don’t only understand that in an intelectual level, but at an emotional level too.. (Feeling comes before Intellect.)

That’s how it is supposed to be.
Beauty without content is hollow.
It is like a plastic flower, it doesn’t replicate, it doesn’t grow, it doesn’t have real content. It’s a copy. It has no soul.

That is how it feels to look at social media or chat with certain people nowadays, because everyone acts as an expert, a know-it-all, on the go, “read 100 books per year”, “you are the sum of the five people you’re close to”, “the art of don’t give a fu\\\*k.” At the end you are interacting with copies, of copies.. of copies, masks, people stuck in a loop of self-improvement that never really ends.

Manipulators, High-Maintenance Characters, people who judge others all the time, people who perceive others either as bellow or above them, very strong individualism, leading to ignorance and compliance, people who try to controls others at all costs, impatience, disrespect, people who try to solve other people’s problems but their own…

I rarely see people who are gentle, who are respectful, open to have a conversation without trying to convince the other person to agree with their perspectives, beliefs and ideas, because people are a lot of the time seeking for approval, so they bring with them this energy of repressed shadows, trying to look perfect, just so they can be accepted.

I would also like to mention that I’ve always had some admiration for people who make mistakes, who are quirk, clumsy, contradictory without shame, the ones who say sorry, and take accountability, because these people know they are far from perfect, and they do not pretend that they have it all figured out.. quite the opposite.

However, the world, the society became what was already written in books by a lot of thinkers in the past:
The decay of our society and its morals already happened, the real value is now the false value. Materialism is now in the highest form and peak. Humanity became a bunch of Sophists. Most people are now individualists.

So I say… If you are now struggling in the system, because you try to fit in at all costs, and it seems like no matter what you do, you can’t feel like you are really part of it, that might not be a bad thing… Think again… and stop trying to fit in a place that you never really had the stomach to be in.
in the first place.

I myself have been looking for ways to leave the system, and work for myself, make my own money, escalating, or by selling something that really benefits society and the ecosystem, but I have been struggling a lot with my options.
It is not at all easy to find a way out since the own system is encoded this way, making the way out really difficult to find for any person.

If you are struggling, just know that it is not easy… you can lie to yourself and say that it is. But it is not.
It can feel easier at a certain point but you’ll find out one day it was never easy… Even when you thought so. It was like going to the gym, the weights didn’t get lighter, you were the one who became stronger.

Great Luck is all I can wish to the other selves out there 🍀

You know, I see those videos on Instagram, or certain Youtube channels and it is all about self-improvement, or what is your advice for the younger generation, or what would you tell your younger self version to do differently.
I see those youtubers asking advice from business’s men and they talk about their businesses, using phrases and quotes that are not even that deep, and you see their faces lightening up like they are the sun, the protagonists, on top of the world, a distorted sense of pride.

Self-improvement kind of became a hassle, or a full time job, yeah, it literally is, we’re living the capitalisation of self-development.
If anything it is pushing people even further away from their process of individuation, of spirituality, and real philosophy.

Reason why I don’t have the stomach to stay in social media.
Advice became an asset, and I always had it with me that advice wasn’t a good thing, and that we should learn things on our own terms, respecting our own time, potential, and unique experiences.

Of course, guidance and support from mentors, parents, or guardians are YES a good thing, IF… IF the person sharing the information KNOWS… KNOWS…. how to do it.
Without seeking fame or protagonism, without trying to convince others, without speaking from the ego, but speaking from love, from discernment, and mainly detachment.

Most things I see on social media are hollow, without content, just words that sound nice and shinny together, but that if you approach closer, you find out it was a lamp post all along the way, and not the sun.

Advice is a gift given to each one of us at a specific moment and place in time.

Like in the myths when the warrior, the hero is lost, or running in circles, and then a mysterious force appears, a master, a strange, and give him/her a map, a sword, a bow, or it gives them a mission….

You don’t live a life swallowing, absorbing, all the swords and maps, and missions, bows, and things you find along the way, trying to avoid the challenges, and dangers you oughta face.

Have you ever had that feeling about some quote you’ve always repeated to yourself, but never actually lived by it… BUT during an ordinary day, it feels like now it finally clicked… NOW you understand what you had been repeating for years, Now it really FEELS like you can touch the wisdom behind the sequence of words you’ve been repeating all along? If yes, it’s becase you have became a little bit wiser that day, because now you don’t only understand that in an intelectual level, but at an emotional level too.. (Feeling comes before Intellect.)

That’s how it is supposed to be.
Beauty without content is hollow.
It is like a plastic flower, it doesn’t replicate, it doesn’t grow, it doesn’t have real content. It’s a copy. It has no soul.

That is how it feels to look at social media or chat with certain people nowadays, because everyone acts as an expert, a know-it-all, on the go, “read 100 books per year”, “you are the sum of the five people you’re close to”, “the art of don’t give a fu\*k.” At the end you are interacting with copies, of copies.. of copies, masks, people stuck in a loop of self-improvement that never really ends.

Manipulators, High-Maintenance Characters, people who judge others all the time, people who perceive others either as bellow or above them, very strong individualism, leading to ignorance and compliance, people who try to controls others at all costs, impatience, disrespect, people who try to solve other people’s problems but their own…

I rarely see people who are gentle, who are respectful, open to have a conversation without trying to convince the other person to agree with their perspectives, beliefs and ideas, because people are a lot of the time seeking for approval, so they bring with them this energy of repressed shadows, trying to look perfect, just so they can be accepted.

I would also like to mention that I’ve always had some admiration for people who make mistakes, who are quirk, clumsy, contradictory without shame, the ones who say sorry, and take accountability, because these people know they are far from perfect, and they do not pretend that they have it all figured out.. quite the opposite.

However, the world, the society became what was already written in books by a lot of thinkers in the past:
The decay of our society and its morals already happened, the real value is now the false value. Materialism is now in the highest form and peak. Humanity became a bunch of Sophists. Most people are now individualists.

So I say… If you are now struggling in the system, because you try to fit in at all costs, and it seems like no matter what you do, you can’t feel like you are really part of it, that might not be a bad thing… Think again… and stop trying to fit in a place that you never really had the stomach to be in.
in the first place.

I myself have been looking for ways to leave the system, and work for myself, make my own money, escalating, or by selling something that really benefits society and the ecosystem, but I have been struggling a lot with my options.
It is not at all easy to find a way out since the own system is encoded this way, making the way out really difficult to find for any person.

If you are struggling, just know that it is not easy… you can lie to yourself and say that it is. But it is not.
It can feel easier at a certain point but you’ll find out one day it was never easy… Even when you thought so. It was like going to the gym, the weights didn’t get lighter, you were the one who became stronger.

Great Luck is all I can wish to the other selves out there 🍀

The last night I had a dream where I was in a train station.

Suddenly, I see a child, a girl. She looks ethnically Asian, and she then enters the locomotive cab.

She then starts the engine and accelerates it. She’s bold, reckless, and hurt as well. It seems like she knows what she’s doing is dangerous and wrong, but she still does it anyway.

I see that there are other people inside, so I run after the train in hopes that I can reach it and stop the imminent catastrophe.

I did it. I found my way inside the train. It was moving too fast, and the door leading to the cabin was closed.

The other passengers inside the train seemed unbothered by the fact that someone had hijacked it and that an accident was about to happen.

I look at them, but I see no way to ask for help or find someone who would also take action and try to stop her.

So I take something that I found on the floor and start hitting the door with that tool. At first, it seemed impossible to get through, but I noticed I had broken something.

I keep hitting the door, and I keep getting through layers, layers that I had to move left, down, and right through.

At some point, I find a way through. I opened the door.

I remember the feeling of relief washing over me.
The child, for some reason, had disappeared. She wasn’t there anymore.

I look ahead and I see… the rails… they were coming to an end.
Thankfully, however, I found a way to stop the train seconds before it reached the end of the line.

Or so I thought… I try to find the button to open the door so that the other passengers and I could get out, but the train starts moving forward… I fear I have pressed the wrong button.

The people in the train were now awake, talking, saying that maybe I should not touch anything anymore and wait for help. But it was too late… I felt the train moving, moving, until it reached the end of the line and fell into the ocean. I felt gravity pulling me toward the very front window of the train. I felt the adrenaline of the fall. I saw the other passengers also being pulled forward and heard them screaming loudly…

But… suddenly… some kind of force pulled the train back up onto the rails, defying gravity… It was like an invisible hand had picked the train up like it was a toy and placed it back on track.

Another sense of relief and disbelief… When I look around, I see symbols of support: the police, ambulances, people running everywhere to help all of us.

And then I wake up… I forgot the dream instantly, but I had a feeling it was very symbolic and that I should put some effort into trying to remember it…

And so I did, and now I’m here sharing it with you.

Any other insights are well appreciated.