Why I relate to lesbian/queer romances as an autistic viewer
I’d like to clarify before getting into this that I am neither gay nor am I a woman. I’m just a well meaning, 26yr autistic Gemini dimwit who loves to live vicariously through the media he consumes. So, to close out Pride Month, I’m writing this in the hopes that I can help clarify certain feelings not just for myself but also for others who may or may not feel the same way.
I never really needed or wanted romance in my life as a kid, not necessarily because I was opposed to it but because its importance never factored in for me at any point. The idea of it seemed so homogenized that I came to see it more as trivial than anything. I was always content to just live in the moment with my other autistic friends and have fun. I can almost imagine a different timeline where I would’ve been comfortable living as aromantic for the rest of my life.
And then the lesbians happened.
When shows like The Owl House, She-Ra and especially Arcane started coming out, my views on romance also began to change. These characters and the ways they built upon familiar dynamics while also subverting a ton of the same tropes & trappings that more heteronormative romances fell into was fascinating on top of just how well they were written. Also, the romances themselves were so fucking sweet. They didn’t need flowery words or played out tropes to convey their feelings. Sometimes all it would take is just a look and you would start to feel butterflies. There was an overwhelming earnestness to them that felt refreshing like nothing I’d seen before. That paired with the implicit knowledge that queer stories weren’t as universal as straight ones (yet) is part of what made them stand out to me as being both more genuine and personal in general. This wasn’t a socially accepted standard, this was individuals sharing their stories and experiences with the world. In fact, they helped me appreciate some of the straight romances I saw that were actually well written because they followed in the same footsteps one way or another. Something about them connected with me but, for the longest time, I couldn’t quite nail it down.
More recently, I’ve been trying to write a lesbian romance of my own as part of a passion project because I love these stories so much. When it came to writing up the motivation & context for the project as part of a pitch, I started to realize what love and romance truly was to me. Freedom. Recently I’ve been hanging out with an aroace friend of mine who utterly despises Amatonormativity (the set of societal assumptions that everyone prospers with an exclusive romantic relationship) in media. The way they describe it felt very similar to how older generations seemed to treat things like marriage more as a commodity or a role to fall into whether you liked it or not that also required an exhaustive amount of upkeep. While it certainly seemed to explain why romance was not only so ubiquitous but also homogenous in heteronormative romances, it also made me realize something about queer live stories. I think the reason I connected with them more is because, more often than not, they were explicitly about going against the grain instead of flowing with it. They were about not caring what society or other people would think but simply choosing to love and be loved in return. And, someone who has become increasingly self-conscious about my autism in the past few years, I felt more fed by watching these kinds of romances than by what any 5-star continental buffet could possibly provide. They brought me a sense of comfort and assurance that there were people who would love and appreciate you no matter what.
Obviously both people and love can be complicated and sometimes even messy, but I also see that as part of the experience. One that may hurt but is still necessary in order to learn and grow. For a while I followed these two cosplayers who often dressed as Vi and Caitlyn (@cenikicosplay) that seemed like the perfect pair and I unabashedly loved them. Then earlier this year I heard that they broke up and I was heartbroken. For a moment I wondered how true love could be if even they couldn’t stay together forever. But after a while, I realized that wasn’t what really mattered in the long run. They still loved each other in the time they shared and made some beautiful memories that would not only last but also leave a lasting impact on me. The way people like them inspired me showed me that, even if there was no guarantee of it lasting forever, it was worth choosing to live every moment and embrace just how beautiful love could be.
If I were to make any kind of analogy, I would compare the way I feel about love and queer romance to how Jack Sparrow describes the Black Pearl:
>"Wherever we want to go, we'll go. That's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails, that's what a ship needs. But what a ship is... what the Black Pearl really is... is freedom."
When I look at queer people, I see a group whose way of life is freedom, fellowship and love. To enjoy every moment and cherish the ones you care about. To find a sense of peace and fullness in the embrace of another. At least, that’s what I see reflected in the characters they represent. I love Lumity, Catradora and CaitVi with all my heart and I hope to see more like them in the future because enough is never truly enough. And I hope that, however it turns out, I can create a queer romance that feels worthy of the things I’ve learned from these people who I greatly admire because they deserve it more than anything.
I’m hoping that wasn’t too melodramatic but you should still get the idea.
