Did anyone else (or does anyone else) experience people asking them “why is everyone so mean to you?”

I was reflecting on being a teenager. I was picked on quite a bit, and occasionally I had people come up to me and ask me, in a confused way, “why is everyone so mean to you?”. And I also remember this girl messaging me on Facebook when I was 13 “why is everyone so mean and hateful to you?” after someone told me to “stfu no one cares“ on a post I made lol.

I’ve heard this sentiment of confusion expressed when witnessing lots of people being mean in an unprovoked way to a person who is harmless but come across as slightly different (aka neurodivergent)

I know I’m an introvert, and I was just reflecting on how I displayed/experienced having an introverted temperament from a very early age. I remember I would often have baths with my younger sister and it was nice, but one time I had a bath by myself (I was around 3 or 4) and I distinctly remember the feeling of “wow this is so great and peaceful! I love being on my own!”

And other memories of being 5, and being content and happy playing alone in my bedroom. And I also remember playing by myself in the playground when I was about 5 or 6, and this boy asked to join me and I responded ”it’s a one-player game” 😆 I eventually did let him play, and we did have a good time.

It’s funny how our adult temperaments show from a such a young age. I’m also curious to ask of those who have older kids who are introverted/extroverted - did they display those behaviours when they were little as well? As in, did your toddler do or say something and you thought to yourself “yup, you’re definitely an introvert lol”

I tend to take things at face value, so when someone tells me “I’m really sorry, I have a terrible cold so I have to cancel our plans”, I would genuinely believe it and I would be like “oh I’m so sorry, get well soon”. It makes me feel silly now because as I’ve gotten older, and pattern recognition etc, I see how lying about being sick is just a “known thing” for getting out of social plans. However, it just confuses me because I feel TERRIBLE lying. If there’s a social plan coming up but I really, really don’t feel like it, I’ll say that in the most truthful, yet non-hurtful way possible. Eg. “I’m really sorry but I’m just not feeling up for it” or similar. I wouldn’t pretend to have food poisoning or whatever.

And I’ve seen people who will lie about pretty serious things, just because they want to seem cool at a social gathering or whatever. Or they’ll lie to make someone else look silly or bad.

I think life experience has taught me that a lot of people can and do lie, and it’s just the way that life is. But it worries me a bit because then how are you supposed to know what to believe? I don’t want to look like a gullible idiot who believes everything people say, haha. In general I can’t be close friends with people who constantly lie when being truthful wouldn’t have been hurtful or harmful, because then I start having to second guess everything they say, which is exhausting.

Who gets it?

I tend to take things at face value, so when someone tells me “I’m really sorry, I have a terrible cold so I have to cancel our plans”, I would genuinely believe it and I would be like “oh I’m so sorry, get well soon”. It makes me feel silly now because as I’ve gotten older, and pattern recognition etc, I see how lying about being sick is just a “known thing” for getting out of social plans. However, it just confuses me because I feel TERRIBLE lying. If there’s a social plan coming up but I really, really don’t feel like it, I’ll say that in the most truthful, yet non-hurtful way possible. Eg. “I’m really sorry but I’m just not feeling up for it” or similar. I wouldn’t pretend to have food poisoning or whatever.

And I’ve seen people who will lie about pretty serious things, just because they want to seem cool at a social gathering or whatever. Or they’ll lie to make someone else look silly or bad.

I think life experience has taught me that a lot of people can and do lie, and it’s just the way that life is. But it worries me a bit because then how are you supposed to know what to believe? I don’t want to look like a gullible idiot who believes everything people say, haha. In general I can’t be close friends with people who constantly lie when being truthful wouldn’t have been hurtful or harmful, because then I start having to second guess everything they say, which is exhausting.

Who gets it?

Does anyone else have specific examples from their childhoods, of being by praised for being a people pleaser or for being super nice and not making a fuss?

Also, I’d like to hear people’s experiences of when they started realising that being passive is harmful. 

*A further question (for parents): how can we raise girls to be kind, but to stand up for themselves and not accept poor treatment?*

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As a kid (and specifically a girl), I thought that being selfish as a girl was the worst thing ever. I also thought that girls are supposed to be nice, to not make a fuss, to avoid getting told off. I felt like boys were the ones who were selfish, loud, getting into trouble etc. I was also naturally quite a passive child that didn’t like conflict. I feel that girls were encouraged and praised for being overly nice and considerate and for putting up with things. But then the older I got, the more I realised how bad it is to “not make a fuss” when you’re treated poorly or taken advantage of. 

One small example that stands out in my mind - when I was 7 or 8, I went out for a meal with my family. I had a chip left on my plate that I hadn’t eaten yet, and my aunt pointed somewhere and said “look, there’s a cloud!” to distract me, and then took my chip and ate it. I think I remember feeling kinda disappointed lol, because I liked the chips. 

Then afterwards, my cousin (also only a kid) told me that my aunt was praising me, saying “you didn’t demand your chip back, you didn’t make a fuss etc” and I remember feeling really proud and flattered, and like “oh, it’s good to not make a fuss of things and to be super nice despite feeling sad and disappointed!” 

Other times in childhood, I would get called selfish for getting food for myself only, or being the first to get food.

I was working in a charity shop when I was 19, and would sometimes be on my own in the shop. There was this man who would sometimes come in - he looked like he was in his 40s. He was often very persistent about negotiating cheaper prices for things.

Well, one day, he came asking for my phone number. At first I thought he meant the shop’s number, but then he said “no, YOUR number”. I said no, but he was very persistent, saying “oh come on, just give me your number” until I gave him a fake number to make him go away.

A few weeks later, he came back and said that the number I gave him didn’t work. Like, colour me shocked lol.

On another note, it makes me sad that *so* many women have creepy stories like this. Idk, I just felt like sharing/venting.

I was working in a charity shop when I was 19, and would sometimes be on my own in the shop. There was this man who would sometimes come in - he looked like he was in his 40s. He was often very persistent about negotiating cheaper prices for things.

Well, one day, he came asking for my phone number. At first I thought he meant the shop’s number, but then he said “no, YOUR number”. I said no, but he was very persistent, saying “oh come on, just give me your number” until I gave him a fake number to make him go away.

A few weeks later, he came back and said that the number I gave him didn’t work. Like, colour me shocked lol.

On another note, it makes me sad that *so* many women have creepy stories like this. Idk, I just felt like sharing/venting.

This is similar to a post yesterday where I talked about not necessarily wanting to know my minor flaws. 

Something I’ve observed on reddit, is people often being made to feel like they’re passive aggressive assholes for not wanting to be blunt and direct in certain situations, and for preferring to be polite and wanting to preserve people’s feelings. For example, supposing you’re on your break at work, and a coworker keeps chatting to you but you want to be left alone. You vent that you’re frustrated that the coworker doesn’t “get the message”, the comments will be filled with people saying “tell them directly to leave you alone!”, “use your words and say that you don’t want to talk to them!” and generally making out that the person is being passive aggressive and silly for not wanting to be that blunt. But it makes me think - do people actually *do* this in real life - go round telling their neighbours, coworkers etc “omg you talk too much, please leave me alone”. 

Although that said, what are you meant to do if someone doesn’t pick up on the polite social cues eg closed off body language, one word answers, wearing headphones, reading a book etc and you’re not someone who is comfortable with bluntly asking someone to leave you alone lol?

And also, I would kind of argue that since social cues and body language are so important in human communication, it’s also the responsibility of the “chatty” person to learn those cues. 

Again, interested in people’s takes! Also, I totally get that neurodivergence is definitely a factor to consider.

I was reminiscing about being 13 and I got hit with a wave of sadness for my 13 year old self. I didn’t really have friends at school that I could consistently hang out with, so I would eat lunch alone, or eat in the toilet to avoid feeling “judged” for sitting alone. I remember being on a school trip at breakfast time, asking if I could sit with some girls also from my school on the trip, since there was a spare seat. They said ”no”, so I sat on a table alone. But after a while, I guess they felt bad and they said I could sit with them. But remembering this actually made me so, so sad for my younger self.

And the sadness increases when I think that there are thousands of 13 year olds who are presently going through that exact situation right now. I wish I could hug all of them lol, and tell them that they’re awesome and that it’ll be okay, and they’ll find their people, and that they’re not alone.

On a similar note, this experience is why I find it disgusting witnessing or hearing about a group of adults deliberately excluding one person, and letting the excluded person know they’re being excluded.

I was reminiscing about being 13 and I got hit with a wave of sadness for my 13 year old self. I didn’t really have friends at school that I could consistently hang out with, so I would eat lunch alone, or eat in the toilet to avoid feeling “judged” for sitting alone. I remember being on a school trip at breakfast time, asking if I could sit with some girls also from my school on the trip, since there was a spare seat. They said ”no”, so I sat on a table alone. But after a while, I guess they felt bad and they said I could sit with them. But remembering this actually made me so, so sad for my younger self.

And the sadness increases when I think that there are thousands of 13 year olds who are presently going through that exact situation right now. I wish I could hug all of them lol, and tell them that they’re awesome and that it’ll be okay, and they’ll find their people, and that they’re not alone.

On a similar note, this experience is why I find it disgusting witnessing or hearing about a group of adults deliberately excluding one person, and letting the excluded person know they’re being excluded.

There seems to be this thing of “if I do things that irritate or annoy you, tell me” and I agree when the thing is genuinely hurting the other person. However, it seems like people want to be told about their harmless imperfections if they irritate someone, for example minor flaws in their appearance, the way they talk, having a slightly messy bedroom who they don’t share with anyone else etc. Which, I personally wouldn’t want to have that in a friendship, a living situation, a workplace etc. I wouldn’t want to be informed of my harmless imperfections in a critical way. For example I worked at a job and something slipped out of my hand, and my coworker went “wow, you’re actually kinda clumsy”. It’s kinda like… thanks but I didn’t really need to hear that lol

I’ve met self-proclaimed “direct, blunt” people who valued being honest, but it just felt like they were constantly picking at me over small things that were more to do with their own personal preferences. It doesn’t feel good, and it makes me want to avoid them. I didn’t ask them for their negative opinions.

Also in romantic contexts - if I had feelings for a guy and he didn’t feel the same way, it’s occurred to me that I actually wouldn’t want to know *why* he doesn’t like me. Mainly because there’s not much good that would come from knowing apart from making me feel bad. The only information I need is that he doesn’t feel the same way.

However, that seems unpopular - in that I witness people wanting to know why someone doesn’t reciprocate their feelings. I had a guy ask me why I don’t like him, which made me uncomfortable, because like… all it would do is hurt his feelings if I told him *why* I don’t feel the same way.

I’d like to hear people’s takes on this! Also, where’s the line between a harmless imperfection in yourself or another that doesn’t necessarily need to be pointed out in a critical way, versus something that should be addressed?

There seems to be this thing of “if I do things that irritate or annoy you, tell me” and I agree when the thing is genuinely hurting the other person. However, it seems like people want to be told about their harmless imperfections if they irritate someone, for example minor flaws in their appearance, the way they talk, having a slightly messy bedroom who they don’t share with anyone else etc. Which, I personally wouldn’t want to have that in a friendship, a living situation, a workplace etc. I wouldn’t want to be informed of my harmless imperfections in a critical way. For example I worked at a job and something slipped out of my hand, and my coworker went “wow, you’re actually kinda clumsy”. It’s kinda like… thanks but I didn’t really need to hear that lol

I’ve met self-proclaimed “direct, blunt” people who valued being honest, but it just felt like they were constantly picking at me over small things that were more to do with their own personal preferences. It doesn’t feel good, and it makes me want to avoid them. I didn’t ask them for their negative opinions.

Also in romantic contexts - if I had feelings for a guy and he didn’t feel the same way, it’s occurred to me that I actually wouldn’t want to know *why* he doesn’t like me. Mainly because there’s not much good that would come from knowing apart from making me feel bad. The only information I need is that he doesn’t feel the same way.

However, that seems unpopular - in that I witness people wanting to know why someone doesn’t reciprocate their feelings. I had a guy ask me why I don’t like him, which made me uncomfortable, because like… all it would do is hurt his feelings if I told him *why* I don’t feel the same way.

I’d like to hear people’s takes on this! Also, where’s the line between a harmless imperfection in yourself or another that doesn’t necessarily need to be pointed out in a critical way, versus something that should be addressed?

Venting is completely fine and healthy, and I appreciate it when my friends vent to me, because they trust me and I can be there for them. People doing this will usually vent, but acknowledge that everyone has things going on, or will eventually move the topic on as they recognise that other people can’t be expected to fix it for them. 

What I’m referring to in the title is not the healthy venting - it’s when someone is consistently complaining, and the way in which they’re doing it feels like they’re expecting me to fix it, to carry them, to make it all better for them. For reference, I have worked with young children aged 0-4, and obviously they need to be emotionally “carried” by an adult, and comforted, and to have things fixed for them. That’s completely normal and developmentally healthy.

However, when an adult behaves this way towards me, it feels stressful. It feels like they’re asking me to give something that I can’t give them. It feels like they think that they’re the only person who has problems, and they’re not being considerate of that fact that I myself might have problems and things going on for me. It reminds me of the way small children behave - expecting me to make it all better for them, to regulate their nervous systems for them, to do all the emotional labour etc. And it’s draining. 

Does anyone else get what I’m talking about - the difference between someone venting whilst acknowledging that everyone has problems, and someone who’s expecting you to “carry them”/fix it all for them?

Venting is completely fine and healthy, and I appreciate it when my friends vent to me, because they trust me and I can be there for them. People doing this will usually vent, but acknowledge that everyone has things going on, or will eventually move the topic on as they recognise that other people can’t be expected to fix it for them. 

What I’m referring to in the title is not the healthy venting - it’s when someone is consistently complaining, and the way in which they’re doing it feels like they’re expecting me to fix it, to carry them, to make it all better for them. For reference, I have worked with young children aged 0-4, and obviously they need to be emotionally “carried” by an adult, and comforted, and to have things fixed for them. That’s completely normal and developmentally healthy.

However, when an adult behaves this way towards me, it feels stressful. It feels like they’re asking me to give something that I can’t give them. It feels like they think that they’re the only person who has problems, and they’re not being considerate of that fact that I myself might have problems and things going on for me. It reminds me of the way small children behave - expecting me to make it all better for them, to regulate their nervous systems for them, to do all the emotional labour etc. And it’s draining. 

Does anyone else get what I’m talking about - the difference between someone venting whilst acknowledging that everyone has problems, and someone who’s expecting you to “carry them”/fix it all for them?