u/WonderfulNebula4299

Ive been on semen retention for 7 months now and the attention from women has gotten ridiculous. Its not even the obvious stuff from before. Cashiers hold eye contact way longer than they need to when they hand me change. Women on the train keep finding reasons to sit closer or brush against me and then act like it was an accident. Random conversations about nothing turn into them telling me theyre lonely or asking if I want to grab coffee sometime. Even in bookstores or parks people just start talking to me for no clear reason.

I dont want any of it. The temptation is real and it messes with the quiet Ive been trying to build. Every time it happens it pulls me back toward the old habits and dulls whatever spiritual clarity Ive managed to hold onto. It feels like the world is leaning in and trying to fill the space I cleared out.

Im not looking for tips on how to enjoy the magnetism or get more of it. I just want to know how to make it stop or at least dial it way down. Has anyone else after a few months of retention found practical ways to become less noticeable again without going back to the old habits?

I first heard he was getting married a few months ago from some family. He has tried reaching out to me through them about 15 times to invite me but I ignored his invitations.

I dont see why I should torture myself watching other people grab a happiness Ill never possess. Ive become content with being FA but only by shutting myself off completely and avoiding couples like the plague.

Theres something fundamentally broken with me. Whether its that Im too ugly or I have the absolute worst personality in the world. Everyone has always hated me. My family, my teachers, kids at school, people at church. At best I'm tolerated and at worst I'm hated. Im just that pathetic loser in the corner that nobody actually wants around. I see how normal people treat one another and how they treat me and the difference is night and day.

I tried putting myself out there years ago but it always ended in rejection and embarrassment that still stings. Now I just go out into isolated spots in nature all day wondering what I did to deserve this life while everyone else moves on and builds their happy futures. And if I bring it up to others mainly my family when they ask me why I'm single they'll gaslight me to eternity.

I think I made a mistake by going straight into small press weird fiction and bypassing a lot of the more obvious or popular stuff. Somewhere along the way I ended up buried in obscure paperbacks and books that feel like they were written for a tiny audience somewhere at the edge of things.

Now I am curious what I missed on the way down.

What are your top 5 weird lit books?

Anthologies, novels, and collections are all welcome.

I have been getting more into literary horror lately and I am looking for recommendations with genuinely excellent prose.

So far I have read Frankenstein, Dracula, The Monk, all of Thomas Ligotti, all of Lovecraft, and some Robert E Howard. I really enjoy evocative writing, philosophical undertones, surreal imagery, and that lingering feeling of dread.

I do not necessarily need slow burn or highly literary plots. Fast paced horror is completely fine too as long as the writing itself is strong. I care more about atmosphere, style, and memorable prose than whether something is commercial or experimental.

Gothic horror, weird fiction, cosmic horror, decadent horror, or anything stylistically distinctive would all be welcome.

What are your favorite horror novels or authors with exceptional prose?

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It has been three years since I gave up on trying to fix myself and chase relationships. Honestly life has been pretty good despite the loneliness.

I finally accepted something I fought for years. I am ugly and no amount of self improvement was ever going to change how people treated me. From school where people called me ugly to my face and made scenes about sitting next to me to university where someone joked I looked like a rapist and I was reported for sexual harassment even though I barely spoke to anyone. At work I faced bullying and unfair reviews. I eventually became self employed because I could not handle it anymore.

I used to believe that if I just improved enough got fitter lost weight fixed my hair dressed better worked on my personality and perfected my hygiene things would change and people would see me differently. None of it worked.

So I stopped fighting it. I accepted that some of us are meant to walk through life alone. I dropped all the pressure to date to succeed for others or to fit in. With that acceptance came real relief.

I do not fantasize about relationships anymore. I have accepted that romantic love is not in the cards for me. The deep aching loneliness still hits once or twice a month but it is nothing like the daily pain I used to feel.

These days I work just enough to support myself spend most of my time in nature read books and play online chess. I have learned to enjoy this quieter life on my own. It is not the future I hoped for when I was younger but it is peaceful and it feels like mine.

Still some days the loneliness creeps in heavy. I guess that is why I am posting here.