u/Working_Net_7688

I don’t know where else to turn, so I’m venting here in the hopes of finding support and not having to face my partner about this.

I became bulimic during high school because I felt out of control and hated myself for a lot of things. I was able to stop after about a year, but I’ve had recurring thoughts ever since.

It’s now seven years later and I’m really struggling. I hate the way I look and I feel like it’s affecting me professionally and in my relationship, but most importantly it’s making me think less of myself no matter what I do.

Without getting too graphic, I just want to relapse to feel better about myself, but I know it will make me feel worse. I want to feel like I’m in control of myself and my appearance and just have such a strong urge.

What’s worse is that I have Crohn’s disease, so I’m in the bathroom all the time. Going immediately after meals is normal and wouldn’t be questioned. I realize I’m basically just planning how to “get away with it” or get back into it without anyone noticing.

Another aspect is that my bulimia was so shameful last time that I forced myself into healthy eating habits and it sparked a very successful weight loss journey (~60 lbs) and I’m so so so pulled to it because maybe, just maybe it will do the same thing again.

I need help. Give me advice. Help me to not be ashamed of myself and see myself for more than how I look. Please help.