u/angstygrl

What should I expect? How do I realistically navigate this class knowing that there will be stupid shit said inside of it? I don’t want to be argumentative or combative, but I really struggle when people say dumb shit

Thx guys, wish me luck

I broke up with my bf of 4 years. I’m 21, getting my base credits at a community college before transferring to a university for Urban Design and Planning. I’m a young, beautiful, smart woman and for anyone who looks at me they would assume I’m fine.

I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago for many reasons, one being that I was going to transfer to university, we both needed to mature, and it felt like I couldn’t spread my wings while being so codependent on him. He was the only person in the world who truly understood me and wanted to be around me. I’m still in my hometown I’m going to move to a big city soon, but I have no interest in the people here. I enjoy talking to people on a day-to-day basis and seeing people in class, but I have no interest in making friends here.

I underestimated how lonely I would be after breaking up with him. He has so many friends and is loved my many. I don’t have any friends. I have a couple weeks until my college classes start again, and usually if I didn’t have class, I would be doing digital art or something else creative with my time. However, right now I have no interest in anything. Every day I wake up and I just want the day to be over. I’m bored and lonely and have no one to talk to, it sucks waking up and just wanting to go to sleep immediately. I want to enjoy my summer, but I don’t know. I’m going to try and dedicate all my time to my future once school starts again but I’m really suffering. I miss him so much, I loved him like no other.

I hope that it’s not too late to make friends in life. I just want to be understood by people, and I rarely ever have. Although I’m very conventionally, attractive, and I can socialize with people,, and also autistic and have adhd, I really struggle to feel normal. Everything is so important and deep to me, but I also need space and alone time.

I decided to take my ADHD medication today hopefully that regulates me a little bit 🙃

My mom’s side of the family is Dutch Indonesian, Im a dual citizen, American and Dutch, and we live in the Pacific Northwest. Ever since I was a child we would eat rice with butter and it doesn’t seem like a very common practice. My family eats so much butter, Dutch chocolate sprinkles, but we also eat rice, fruit plates, Tempeh, and indomie. I never really thought about it but as I’ve gotten older, I realized it is a perfect representation of blended culture. As someone who also lives in the Pacific Northwest, we eat things with nutritional yeast so that sometimes is added to rice, which is very PNW american. I feel pretty American for the most part, but I grew up in a very white area, and I have become more conscious about how the food I eat represents my heritage. I have a fever right now, I’m dealing with breaking up with my partner of four years, and to feel better, I’m eating rice with butter and soy sauce. It’s my ultimate comfort food. Cheers 🫶

Besides visiting my Indonesian family, I don’t live around many Dutch Indonesian people so I don’t know if this is common practice, it’s just how things ended up in my mixed culture working class family. But it’s cool, culture can be something widespread amongst many people, but it can also be a very individual mix of circumstances that create something meaningful. Culture is what you make it, so embrace the weird little traditions and habits unique to your family, no matter what your ethnic makeup is. I’m part Mexican, a tiny part 5% black weirdly enough (I have a grandmother who’s from Mississippi so that probably explains it), I’m west coast white American, but also Dutch Indonesian. I don’t connect to any particular culture besides being a Dutch national, but i’ve learned to find ways to honor my families complicated and mixed past.

My moms side of the family is Dutch Indonesian, Im a dual citizen, American and Dutch, and we live in the Pacific Northwest. Ever since I was a child we would eat rice with butter and it doesn’t seem like a very common practice. My family eats so much butter, Dutch chocolate sprinkles, but we also eat rice, fruit plates, Tempeh, and indomie. I never really thought about it but as I’ve gotten older, I realized it is a perfect representation of blended culture. As someone who also lives in the Pacific Northwest, we eat things with nutritional yeast, which is very PNW american. I feel pretty American for the most part, but I grew up in a very white area, and I have become more conscious about how the food I eat represents my heritage. I have a fever right now, I’m dealing breaking up with my partner of four years, and to feel better, I’m eating rice with butter and soy sauce. It’s my ultimate comfort food. Cheers 🫶

I broke up with my high school boyfriend of four years about a month ago. He was my first love, first everything.

He acts confused about why we broke up (as he expressed to my friend lmao) even though I have been incredibly clear about my reasons. For starters, I am about to transfer to University. I never expected or wanted to stay with my high school boyfriend forever which I was clear with him about. Honestly, I felt like I couldn’t spread my wings while being so dependent on him, that’s not necessarily his fault.

A lot of people have a different view on love than I do. They are always looking to marry and think that once you find something good, it means you have to stay with that person forever. That is just not my philosophy. Relationships can be meaningful chapters that naturally end when it is time to grow individually, but this concept seems to confuse a lot of people. It’s actually kind of funny looking back in retrospect, because I made a Reddit post before the breakup asking for advice, explaining how much I loved him and what a good person I thought he was. It might be on my profile if you want to see how the situation has changed.

there was a lot of things that made me leave, mostly involving my life and my choices but something that pushed me to leave happened when I saw a text in his friends group chat. They are a group of mostly white guys, and after a basketball team they like lost a game, one of his friends texted, "They lost. Lynch them all." It was disgusting, racist, and vile. Seeing him stay in a group chat like that made me realize that maybe I don’t truly know who he is, and I feel like I’ve been deeply lied to throughout our entire relationship. I care deeply about Black people and causes like that, so it was especially disgusting because I have made my positions very clear with him. Passive disrespect is still disrespect whether that be to me or a different group of people.

Now, his post breakup behavior is reaching a gruesome level of disrespect that is embarrassing. At the very beginning of our relationship four years ago, there was this girl, let’s call her Emma. She was the first girl he ever truly liked, and he used to text her until I set a firm boundary that it made me uncomfortable, and he stopped.

Fast forward to now. I haven't been active on Instagram for years, but a friend just informed me that he posted Emma on his story and commented on her post, "I will give my heart to you." It is so glaringly obvious they are hooking up and dating, and he is choosing to broadcast it brazenly without an iota of consideration for me or the four years we were together. To make it crazier, Emma literally texted me a little while ago saying she missed me and asking to hang out, only to immediately turn around and get with him. The lack of respect from both of them is mind blowing. I am fine with him hooking up with other people if that’s what it takes, but broadcasting it and hooking up with that girl specifically is truly insane. I am never want to blame a woman for being a “homewrecker” because usually she owes the female partner in the situation nothing and I disagree with making her the ultimate target of anger. However, it is exceedingly strange that she has continued to try and text me and hang out with me and then do this. She obviously doesn’t respect me, so it’s strange of him to get with her of all people.

I am not jealous in a romantic way. I’ve been with him so long and have grown so far past that dynamic that I don't want him back in any capacity, especially now. I don't feel romantic jealousy at all. It is entirely about the disrespect toward the time we spent together and the disrespect toward me as a person and my shock about him doing this. Originally, I would have liked to remain friends with him a couple of years down the line, but his cheap actions makes it clear that a future friendship is no longer possible.

On top of that, right after the breakup, he started venting to MY friend, which is a pattern he has done in the past. It’s a massive violation and I honestly think if one of my friends gave him the opportunity, he would sleep with them. (obviously they would never but still).

I know my worth. I am mature, beautiful, and could easily be with anyone I want (it’s just the truth), but I would never act this cheap or post someone online just to prove a point. I could’ve easily texted his friends to vent to them, which would have shown how little “bro code” they’re actually is, except that is insane to do and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who blatantly disrespects the person I was with for four years of my young adult life. His actions are completely out of character (or are they? Idk), malicious, and immature, but they kinda vindicate my decision to leave him. It’s glaringly obvious that he is ill equipped to handle a breakup and problems like an adult. Our break up was the furthest thing from messy, I constantly honored the time we spent together and honored who he was so that is why it’s so weird.

I so badly want to text him to let him know how stupid he looks to everyone, how disrespectful it truly is, and demand he take down all photos/videos of me and let him know that I am blocking him, even though I had originally said I wouldn’t. But part of me is just so disgusted by how much I've been lied to and disrespected. My mom is going to go to his house to get my things and she will definitely say something to him that will embarrass him so that makes me feel better, but I’m almost considering messaging his mom who I was extremely close with. But I’m still super on the fence about that one because it may be immature. But the truth is, I want to be immature for this moment because I have walked through this whole situation with grace care, maturity, and consideration of other people, sooooo…

Idk man. Help

Hi everyone,

Obligatory disclaimer: I could easily include another thousand words analyzing these dynamics through a "theory" lens, but for the sake of brevity, I’m keeping this short and sweet. Yes, I have read books. Yes, I know that capital accumulation dominates all social and political relations, including the public sector. I'm skipping all of that to hear about people's practical experience.

As a leftist, my long term outlook on planning is ultimately about material harm reduction and progressing toward a socialist mode of existence in the US, like building carbon-free public property, advancing walkable cities, expanding equitable transit, and protecting workers’ rights.

So I'm looking to hear from people who share my political ideology and those who live in high cost of living areas about how they navigate their work.

Despite the systemic limits entrenched in municipal planning right now, I do have hope for the next 10 years. More rank-and-file militancy, unionization, and political movements will hopefully give urban planners more leverage to push for progressive public infrastructure.

QUESTIONS:

For those currently active in the field, I would love to hear your thoughts on a couple of questions I have:

For those in public agencies, how do you reconcile your ethics with capital driven urban planning?

Especially in major West Coast cities, how much actual progress or material harm reduction do you feel can realistically be achieved right now?

Is working for unions or progressive non-profits a financially (and emotionally) viable, long-term path compared to the public sector? I understand that people feel a lot of burnout in that sector, but correct me if I'm wrong.

I would love to hear any honest experiences or perspectives from professionals who have thoughts or wise words. Thanks!

Hey everyone,
I’m looking for some realistic career and life advice from leftists. Although I am constantly involving, right now, I identify as a socialist. I’m currently in my early 20s attending community college to get my base credits before University. I didn’t take a traditional path. I got my GED and faced a pretty steep learning curve when I first started college. I’ve had to build a lot of academic grit to pull my grades up, but I’ve done it, and now I’m looking at transferring to a 4-year university.
Here is my issue: I want to live in a major West Coast city (ideally Seattle or San Francisco), I want to make a good living ($100k–$180k+ long-term) so I can actually afford to survive independently in high cost areas, and most importantly I want to spend my career actively advancing public transit, specifically high-speed rail along the West Coast (like Sound Transit expansions or the CA High-Speed Rail Authority).
I am trying to map out a career path where I can help build carbon-free, collectively owned public property and protect workers' rights without selling my soul to a private corporation.

Right now, I’m looking at a few different technical paths to get me there:

Environmental/Mapping: Majoring in Urban Planning / Geography (focusing on GIS mapping and NEPA/CEQA environmental compliance) to design equitable routes that connect working-class communities to jobs and legally defend rail from NIMBYs.

Contract/Workforce: Majoring in Planning or Labor Studies to work on Project Labor Agreements (PLAs) or Community Benefits Agreements (CBAs), so that multi billion dollar state projects strictly mandate union labor and prevailing wages.

I’m hitting a mental roadblock regarding the job titles. One role that highly aligns with contract enforcement and offers great pay/pensions is a Transit Labor Relations Officer inside a public agency. But from what I understand, Labor Relations sits on the management side of the table.

As a socialist, I don't want to be seen as a "company cop,” or a bureaucrat by the union workers or my own community if I have to negotiate against a union to balance a city budget. I want to stay ideologically connected with my values, and I'm also just not 100% in on doing just frontline union work, which I’ve thought about.

Ik that frontline union organizing (noble though it may be) has a high rate of burnout and lower pay, whereas a public agency or infrastructure consultant role would give me stable hours, safety nets, and the technical leverage to actually get trains built. Also, to be completely honest, while transit unions are technically quite progressive, as a woman, I worry about being involved in the physical construction industry and traditional blue-collar unions. I don't wanna feel like I'm in a boys’ club. I could be totally wrong, but it's an obvious concern that came to mind. But again, if I feel that the union work would be more impactful and more in alignment with my ideals, I can certainly take on some discomfort.

My questions for you guys:
Is it possible to maintain a reasonable amount of ideological consistency while working a high-paying infrastructure job in a public transit agency?

If you see someone working in a role like a PLA Planner or Labor Relations for a state agency, do you view them as a someone whose role is fundamentally opposed to yours, or do you view them as a progressive buffer inside the state system?

Should I pivot my focus entirely to the union-side of things (like working directly as a research analyst or general counsel for a union like the ATU), even if it means sacrificing some of the direct urban planning/rail mapping work? Is there a good middle ground?

Is it realistic to try to thread this needle, or am I being naive of West Coast bureaucracy?

I know there will be purists in my comments, and I'm open to all of the opinions; I would just like some balanced, mature advice from people who are genuinely wiser than me. Of course you guys can also tell me about your careers or alternatives that seem more up my alley. Thx!

Hey everyone,
I’m looking for some realistic career and life advice from leftists. Although I am constantly involving, right now, I identify as a socialist. I’m currently in my early 20s attending community college to get my base credits before University. I didn’t take a traditional path. I got my GED and faced a pretty steep learning curve when I first started college. I’ve had to build a lot of academic grit to pull my grades up, but I’ve done it, and now I’m looking at transferring to a 4-year university.
Here is my issue: I want to live in a major West Coast city (ideally Seattle or San Francisco), I want to make a good living ($100k–$180k+ long-term) so I can actually afford to survive independently in high cost areas, and most importantly I want to spend my career actively advancing public transit, specifically high-speed rail along the West Coast (like Sound Transit expansions or the CA High-Speed Rail Authority).
I am trying to map out a career path where I can help build carbon-free, collectively owned public property and protect workers' rights without selling my soul to a private corporation.

Right now, I’m looking at a few different technical paths to get me there:

Environmental/Mapping: Majoring in Urban Planning / Geography (focusing on GIS mapping and NEPA/CEQA environmental compliance) to design equitable routes that connect working-class communities to jobs and legally defend rail from NIMBYs.

Contract/Workforce: Majoring in Planning or Labor Studies to work on Project Labor Agreements (PLAs) or Community Benefits Agreements (CBAs), so that multi billion dollar state projects strictly mandate union labor and prevailing wages.

I’m hitting a mental roadblock regarding the job titles. One role that highly aligns with contract enforcement and offers great pay/pensions is a Transit Labor Relations Officer inside a public agency. But from what I understand, Labor Relations sits on the management side of the table.

As a socialist, I don't want to be seen as a "company cop,” or a bureaucrat by the union workers or my own community if I have to negotiate against a union to balance a city budget. I want to stay ideologically connected with my values, and I'm also just not 100% in on doing just frontline union work, which I’ve thought about.

Ik that frontline union organizing (noble though it may be) has a high rate of burnout and lower pay, whereas a public agency or infrastructure consultant role would give me stable hours, safety nets, and the technical leverage to actually get trains built. Also, to be completely honest, while transit unions are technically quite progressive, as a woman, I worry about being involved in the physical construction industry and traditional blue-collar unions. I don't wanna feel like I'm in a boys’ club. I could be totally wrong, but it's an obvious concern that came to mind. But again, if I feel that the union work would be more impactful and more in alignment with my ideals, I can certainly take on some discomfort.

My questions for you guys:
Is it possible to maintain a reasonable amount of ideological consistency while working a high-paying infrastructure job in a public transit agency?

If you see someone working in a role like a PLA Planner or Labor Relations for a state agency, do you view them as a someone whose role is fundamentally opposed to yours, or do you view them as a progressive buffer inside the state system?

Should I pivot my focus entirely to the union-side of things (like working directly as a research analyst or general counsel for a union like the ATU), even if it means sacrificing some of the direct urban planning/rail mapping work? Is there a good middle ground?

Is it realistic to try to thread this needle, or am I being naive of West Coast bureaucracy?

I know there will be purists in my comments, and I'm open to all of the opinions; I would just like some balanced, mature advice from people who are genuinely wiser than me. Of course you guys can also tell me about your careers or alternatives that seem more up my alley. Thx!

Hi Reddit. I feel incredibly vulnerable posting this here, but I am feeling completely stuck and scared and could really use some perspective or words to confirm my feelings. I know people can be mean on this app, so this feels a little risky, but here I go.

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, since I was 16. He is my first relationship and love, and he has been a rock in my life and these last years. A few years ago, I went through a deeply difficult period. The fallout of that situation caused me immeasurable pain, and I am still dealing with it today. Through everything, he was consistently kind, gracious, and supportive of me. Dealing with that traumatic situation so young, with him as my support bonded me to him in a profound way. I will always love him, and his happiness genuinely matters to me.

Getting to the point, as we are entering our twenties, I am starting to feel a difference in our emotional maturity and trajectories. This post isn’t meant to bash him, because he’s a genuinely good person but he is incredibly non-confrontational. His immaturity never shows up maliciously, it usually comes from a place of wanting to keep the peace. If something is wrong or if our relationship dynamic shifts, he won't bring it up because he dreads causing conflict or hurting anyone. Him avoiding these conversations, over time, causes harm and puts distance between us but in a less acute, more vague way. His flaws aren't the point, because I have mine too. Right now, I just know I need to spend some time away from him, independently, which i know means breaking up.

Importantly, I’ve been thinking a lot about moving away from our hometown to explore the world and find out who I am independently. Whenever I have brought this up in the past, his response was essentially that he will just follow me wherever I go. It’s so special to have someone dedicated to you so much they would say that, but it also feels wrong and intimidating, and like a lot of pressure to put on me. I want a partner who has their own independent drive and goals. And I know he thinks that’s what he wants, but I don’t feel comfortable letting someone uproot their life just to follow mine.

On top of that is, and I hate to say it, is his family. I feel that his mom wants us to get married and for me to have his child. I know her desires aren't his fault, but it feels suffocating and just icky I guess. To me, it seems like she wants to trap me or narrow my world just to benefit her and what she thinks would benefit her son. If I leave, I feel that I will owe his family and explanation, but I also don’t feel strong enough to confront that right away. That feels like a very big responsibility and burden on me, and I also feel immature for not wanting to confront them.

I’m about to turn 21, and I feel this profound, aching need to experience life on my own terms. These past four years have been beautiful and healing, but I am at a point where I need change. My problem is that the very thought of telling him I want to leave makes me feel panicked and unstable. I don't know how to find the bravery to do it. I feel sick at the idea of facing him and when I have to look him in the eyes and tell him I genuinely feel like it would send me over the edge, it’s the worst most torturous thing to think about and that’s no exaggeration (I also don’t have a therapist right now so that sucks).

I would also like to add that I think this relationship is genuinely holding me back from becoming the best version of myself. And that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with him, it could be my own problem as the reason. But either way, flawed as I am, I think I deserve to make choices for myself, and right now, I feel that I need to make the decision to break up with him. I don’t knowm this sucks. Everyone has their own perspective, but I guess that I think that I cannot learn to be independent while being so dependent. Usually, I spend so much time at his apartment, but for the past couple of weeks, I've just been wanting to be home. In the past couple of days, my anxieties and sadness has ramped up as I realized what I need to do.

I want both of us to be happy, and the thought of inflicting such intense pain on him makes me physically nauseous. He is so gentle, and I worry he doesn't have the emotional tools to process a heartbreak like this. I know a breakup would devastate both of us, but I feel like I have a bit more emotional resilience than he does. And to be self-aware for a moment, I know that me underestimating him is wrong and causes him harm indirectly. I won’t keep holding on out of fear of hurting him because that would rob him of the growth and autonomy I want to give myself and that we both deserve.

How am I meant to handle outgrowing a relationship when he has done absolutely nothing wrong? How do I find the courage to prioritize myself when it the cost of that is breaking the heart of someone who has only ever given me love and support? I love him deeply, but this is what I need to do. Right now, I don't need to be convinced to stay with this person, trust me. Nor do I want to hear men replying to this post, making assumptions about why I'm breaking up with him. What I've stated in this post is the god-honest truth. I need help with navigating where to go from here.

In this current moment, I need help deciding how to go about this. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow, and I don't know when to talk to him about it or how to. I am lost it what to do, and I'm lacking the bravery to face the music if you will. I know it's stupid, but I need real tangible advice on how I need to do this. I can’t conceptualize taking all the items I own out of his room and then just leaving the place, leaving his cat who I have come to love so deeply and turning my back on this relationship that shaped me so much. I need support and guidance. Thank you.

Hi Reddit. I feel incredibly vulnerable posting this here, but I am feeling completely stuck and scared and could really use some perspective or words to confirm my feelings. I know people can be mean on this app, so this feels a little risky, but here I go.

21F 22M together 4 years

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, since I was 16. He is my first relationship and love, and he has been a rock in my life and these last years. A few years ago, I went through a deeply difficult period. The fallout of that situation caused me immeasurable pain, and I am still dealing with it today. Through everything, he was consistently kind, gracious, and supportive of me, and I have tried to reciprocate that love every day of our relationship. Dealing with that traumatic situation so young, with him as my support bonded me to him in a profound way. I will always love him, and his happiness genuinely matters to me.

Getting to the point, as we are entering our twenties, I am starting to feel a difference in our emotional maturity and trajectories. This post isn’t meant to bash him, because he’s a genuinely good person but he is incredibly non-confrontational. His immaturity never shows up maliciously, it usually comes from a place of wanting to keep the peace. If something is wrong or if our relationship dynamic shifts, he won't bring it up because he dreads causing conflict or hurting anyone. Him avoiding these conversations, over time, causes harm and puts distance between us but in a less acute, more vague way. His flaws aren't the point, because I have mine too. Right now, I just know I need to spend some time away from him, independently, which i know means breaking up.

Importantly, I’ve been thinking a lot about moving away from our hometown to explore the world and find out who I am independently. Whenever I have brought this up in the past, his response was essentially that he will just follow me wherever I go. It’s so special to have someone dedicated to you so much they would say that, but it also feels wrong and intimidating, and like a lot of pressure to put on me. I want a partner who has their own independent drive and goals. And I know he thinks that’s what he wants, but I don’t feel comfortable letting someone uproot their life just to follow mine.

On top of that is, and I hate to say it, is his family. I feel that his mom wants us to get married and for me to have his child. I know her desires aren't his fault, but it feels suffocating and just icky I guess. To me, it seems like she wants to trap me or narrow my world just to benefit her and what she thinks would benefit her son. If I leave, I feel that I will owe his family and explanation, but I also don’t feel strong enough to confront that right away. That feels like a very big responsibility and burden on me, and I also feel immature for not wanting to confront them.

As I go into adulthood, I feel this profound, aching need to experience life on my own terms. These past four years have been beautiful and healing, but I am at a point where I need change. My problem is that the very thought of telling him I want to leave makes me feel panicked and unstable. I don't know how to find the bravery to do it. I feel sick at the idea of facing him and when I have to look him in the eyes and tell him I genuinely feel like it would send me over the edge, it’s the worst most torturous thing to think about and that’s no exaggeration (I also don’t have a therapist right now so that sucks).

I would also like to add that I think this relationship is genuinely holding me back from becoming the best version of myself. And that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with him, it could be my own problem as the reason. But either way, flawed as I am, I think I deserve to make choices for myself, and right now, I feel that I need to make the decision to break up with him. I don’t knowm this sucks. Everyone has their own perspective, but I guess that I think that I cannot learn to be independent while being so dependent. Usually, I spend so much time at his apartment, but for the past couple of weeks, I've just been wanting to be home. In the past couple of days, my anxieties and sadness has ramped up as I realized what I need to do.

I want both of us to be happy, and the thought of inflicting such intense pain on him makes me physically nauseous. He is so gentle, and I worry he doesn't have the emotional tools to process a heartbreak like this. I know a breakup would devastate both of us, but I feel like I have a bit more emotional resilience than he does. And to be self-aware for a moment, I know that me underestimating him is wrong and causes him harm indirectly. I won’t keep holding on out of fear of hurting him because that would rob him of the growth and autonomy I want to give myself and that we both deserve.

How am I meant to handle outgrowing a relationship when he has done absolutely nothing wrong? How do I find the courage to prioritize myself when it the cost of that is breaking the heart of someone who has only ever given me love and support? I love him deeply, but this is what I need to do. Right now, I don't need to be convinced to stay with this person, trust me. Nor do I want to hear men replying to this post, making assumptions about why I'm breaking up with him. What I've stated in this post is the god-honest truth. I need help with navigating where to go from here.

In this current moment, I need help deciding how to go about this. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow, and I don't know when to talk to him about it or how to. I am lost it what to do, and I'm lacking the bravery to face the music if you will. I know it's stupid, but I need real tangible advice on how I need to do this. I can’t conceptualize taking all the items I own out of his room and then just leaving the place, leaving his cat who I have come to love so deeply and turning my back on this relationship that shaped me so much. I need support and guidance. Thank you.

Hi Reddit. I feel incredibly vulnerable posting this here, but I am feeling completely stuck and scared and could really use some perspective or words to confirm my feelings. I know people can be mean on this app, so this feels a little risky, but here I go.

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, since I was 16. He is my first relationship and love, and he has been a rock in my life and these last years. A few years ago, I went through a deeply difficult period. The fallout of that situation caused me immeasurable pain, and I am still dealing with it today. Through everything, he was consistently kind, gracious, and supportive of me. Dealing with that traumatic situation so young, with him as my support bonded me to him in a profound way. I will always love him, and his happiness genuinely matters to me.

Getting to the point, as we are entering our twenties, I am starting to feel a difference in our emotional maturity and trajectories. This post isn’t meant to bash him, because he’s a genuinely good person but he is incredibly non-confrontational. His immaturity never shows up maliciously, it usually comes from a place of wanting to keep the peace. If something is wrong or if our relationship dynamic shifts, he won't bring it up because he dreads causing conflict or hurting anyone. Him avoiding these conversations, over time, causes harm and puts distance between us but in a less acute, more vague way. His flaws aren't the point, because I have mine too. Right now, I just know I need to spend some time away from him, independently, which i know means breaking up.

Importantly, I’ve been thinking a lot about moving away from our hometown to explore the world and find out who I am independently. Whenever I have brought this up in the past, his response was essentially that he will just follow me wherever I go. It’s so special to have someone dedicated to you so much they would say that, but it also feels wrong and intimidating, and like a lot of pressure to put on me. I want a partner who has their own independent drive and goals. And I know he thinks that’s what he wants, but I don’t feel comfortable letting someone uproot their life just to follow mine.

On top of that is, and I hate to say it, is his family. I feel that his mom wants us to get married and for me to have his child. I know her desires aren't his fault, but it feels suffocating and just icky I guess. To me, it seems like she wants to trap me or narrow my world just to benefit her and what she thinks would benefit her son. If I leave, I feel that I will owe his family and explanation, but I also don’t feel strong enough to confront that right away. That feels like a very big responsibility and burden on me, and I also feel immature for not wanting to confront them.

I’m about to turn 21, and I feel this profound, aching need to experience life on my own terms. These past four years have been beautiful and healing, but I am at a point where I need change. My problem is that the very thought of telling him I want to leave makes me feel panicked and unstable. I don't know how to find the bravery to do it. I feel sick at the idea of facing him and when I have to look him in the eyes and tell him I genuinely feel like it would send me over the edge, it’s the worst most torturous thing to think about and that’s no exaggeration (I also don’t have a therapist right now so that sucks).

I would also like to add that I think this relationship is genuinely holding me back from becoming the best version of myself. And that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with him, it could be my own problem as the reason. But either way, flawed as I am, I think I deserve to make choices for myself, and right now, I feel that I need to make the decision to break up with him. I don’t knowm this sucks. Everyone has their own perspective, but I guess that I think that I cannot learn to be independent while being so dependent. Usually, I spend so much time at his apartment, but for the past couple of weeks, I've just been wanting to be home. In the past couple of days, my anxieties and sadness has ramped up as I realized what I need to do.

I want both of us to be happy, and the thought of inflicting such intense pain on him makes me physically nauseous. He is so gentle, and I worry he doesn't have the emotional tools to process a heartbreak like this. I know a breakup would devastate both of us, but I feel like I have a bit more emotional resilience than he does. And to be self-aware for a moment, I know that me underestimating him is wrong and causes him harm indirectly. I won’t keep holding on out of fear of hurting him because that would rob him of the growth and autonomy I want to give myself and that we both deserve.

How am I meant to handle outgrowing a relationship when he has done absolutely nothing wrong? How do I find the courage to prioritize myself when it the cost of that is breaking the heart of someone who has only ever given me love and support? I love him deeply, but this is what I need to do. Right now, I don't need to be convinced to stay with this person, trust me. Nor do I want to hear men replying to this post, making assumptions about why I'm breaking up with him. What I've stated in this post is the god-honest truth. I need help with navigating where to go from here.

In this current moment, I need help deciding how to go about this. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow, and I don't know when to talk to him about it or how to. I am lost it what to do, and I'm lacking the bravery to face the music if you will. I know it's stupid, but I need real tangible advice on how I need to do this. I can’t conceptualize taking all the items I own out of his room and then just leaving the place, leaving his cat who I have come to love so deeply and turning my back on this relationship that shaped me so much. I need support and guidance. Thank you.

Hi Reddit. I feel incredibly vulnerable posting this here, but I am feeling completely stuck and could really use some perspective or words to confirm my feelings. I know people can be mean on this app so this feels a little risky, but here I go.

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, since I was 16. He is my first relationship qnd love, and he has been a rock in my life and these last years. A few years ago, I went through a deeply difficult period following a very immature mistake I made. The fallout of that situation caused me immeasurable pain, and I am still dealing with it today. Through everything, he was consistently kind, gracious, and supportive of me. Dealing with that traumatic situation so young with him as my support, bonded me to him in a profound way. I will always love him, and his happiness matters so much to me.

Getting to the point, as we are entering our twenties, I am starting to feel a difference in our emotional maturity and trajectories. This post isn’t meant to bash him, because he’s a genuinely good person but he is incredibly non confrontational. His immaturity never shows up maliciously, it usually comes from a place of wanting to keep the peace. If something is wrong or if our relationship dynamic shifts, he won't bring it up because he dreads causing conflict or hurting anyone. Him avoiding these conversations, over time, causes harm and puts distance between us but in a less acute, more vague way.

Importantly, I’ve been thinking a lot about moving away from our hometown to explore the world and find out who I am independently. Whenever I have brought this up in the past, his response was essentially that he will just follow me wherever I go. It’s so special to have someone dedicated to you so much they would say that, but it also feels wrong and intimidating, and like a lot of pressure to put on me. I want a partner who has their own independent drive and goals. And I know he thinks that’s what he wants, but I don’t feel comfortable letting someone uproot their life just to follow mine.

On top of that is, and I hate to say it, is his family. I feel that his mom wants us to get married and for me to have his child. I know her desires aren't his fault, but it feels suffocating and just icky I guess. To me, it seems like she wants to trap me or narrow my world just to benefit her and what she thinks would benefit her son. If I leave, I feel that I will owe his family and explanation, but I also don’t feel strong enough to confront that right away. That feels like a very big responsibility and burden on me, and I also feel immature for not wanting to confront them.

I’m about to turn 21, and I feel this profound, aching need to experience life on my own terms. These past four years have been beautiful and healing, but I am at a point where I need change. My problem is that the very thought of telling him I want to leave makes me feel panicked and unstable. I don't know how to find the bravery to do it. I feel sick at the idea of facing him and when I have to look him in the eyes and tell him I genuinely feel like it would send me over the edge, it’s the worst most torturous thing to think about and that’s no exaggeration (I also don’t have a therapist right now so that sucks).

I want both of us to be happy, and the thought of inflicting such intense pain on him makes me physically nauseous. He is so gentle and I worry he doesn't have the emotional tools to process a heartbreak like this. I know a breakup would devastate both of us, but I feel like I have a bit more emotional resilience than he does. And to be self-aware for a moment, I know that me underestimating him is wrong and causes him harm indirectly. I won’t keep holding on out of fear of hurting him because that would rob him of the growth I want to give myself and that we both deserve.

How am I meant to handle outgrowing a relationship when he has done absolutely nothing wrong? How do I find the courage to prioritize myself when it the cost of that is breaking the heart of someone who has only ever given me love and support?

How do I technically go about it? Do I come over and then just spring it on him? I can’t conceptualize taking all the items I own out of his room and then just leaving the place, leaving his cat who I have come to love so deeply and turning my back on this relationship that shaped me so much. I need support and guidance. Thank you.