u/awkward_middle_child

I used lavender scented soap and lathered it all over until I was sure I smelled nice. I shaved under my arms. I deep conditioned my hair and spent about 20 minutes getting all of the knots and tangles out. I put on a floral perfume once I got out and dried off. I feel pretty again. I'm in a deep depression at the moment and will often go days or even over a week without showering or brushing my teeth. But I did it today. I'm going to try to make it a habit.

I'm just excited. I get my very own place! I can start off strong and sober!

Hi all. So I've posted a couple times on here requesting reiki and I hate to keep asking but I feel so lost and sad. I've been an emotional wreck and on top of that I'm incredibly sick. I cannot stop vomiting. I'll vomit on and off for hours until there is nothing left to throw up. I just got back from the ER (for the 3rd time this past 1.5 weeks) and the only answer doctors have is that my colon is inflamed and potentially has some kind of infection. Antibiotics aren't helping, they just make me vomit more. I desperately need healing. TIA <3

I have absolutely not been doing well, especially these past two months. I honestly have never felt more emotionally unstable and fragile in my entire life. I cry every day and I'm often so angry. On top of that, I have been dealing with a lot of health issues like chronic fatigue and a current kidney infection. I feel like something is totally off in my energy and I have no idea how to fix it. I don't know if I have some kind of dark attachment that has clung onto me lately, but something is totally off with me and I'm struggling greatly. I've also completed destroyed my relationship with my father because I have been so unhinged. I really need help.

I know that I have a serious issue with my anger. I used to have a grip on it for a long time, even years. But lately I have lost control again. I don't know if it is because I changed up a lot of my medications, or I haven't been trying hard enough in therapy, or if there is something seriously wrong neurologically, but I'm not okay. I mentioned in a previous post that I have been arguing a lot with my father and he has received the brunt of my rage, and the guilt I feel is so painful (as it should be) that I shake with anxiety now every day, and I spend every minute now trying my best not to break down crying. The other day we got in an argument and I absolutely lost it. I snapped. I said such awful things to my dad that he actually called my older sister because he was afraid I was going to find him and hurt him. I've never been violent, so the fact that he genuinely thought he was in danger just speaks to how horrible I was to him. This is what scares me - I honestly don't remember half of the things I said to him. Similar to how when someone drinks too much and loses their memory, I just blacked out. I'm too ashamed to look back at all of the messages I sent him. I read a few of them and I was horrified with myself. This has never happened to me before and I'm terrified that it will happen again and I will lose everyone I love. I'm sure this goes without saying but I'm giving my dad some space now so I can regain control over my emotions. I'm so depressed. I'm so scared. I don't trust my own brain anymore. I had no idea I could reach that level of pure rage and hate. I honestly don't know where to go from here.

I know that I have a serious issue with my anger. I used to have a grip on it for a long time, even years. But lately I have lost control again. I don't know if it is because I changed up a lot of my medications, or I haven't been trying hard enough in therapy, or if there is something seriously wrong neurologically, but I'm not okay. I mentioned in a previous post that I have been arguing a lot with my father and he has received the brunt of my rage, and the guilt I feel is so painful (as it should be) that I shake with anxiety now every day, and I spend every minute now trying my best not to break down crying. The other day we got in an argument and I absolutely lost it. I snapped. I said such awful things to my dad that he actually called my older sister because he was afraid I was going to find him and hurt him. I've never been violent, so the fact that he genuinely thought he was in danger just speaks to how horrible I was to him. This is what scares me - I honestly don't remember half of the things I said to him. Similar to how when someone drinks too much and loses their memory, I just blacked out. I'm too ashamed to look back at all of the messages I sent him. I read a few of them and I was horrified with myself. This has never happened to me before and I'm terrified that it will happen again and I will lose everyone I love. I'm sure this goes without saying but I'm giving my dad some space now so I can regain control over my emotions. I'm so depressed. I'm so scared. I don't trust my own brain anymore. I had no idea I could reach that level of pure rage and hate. I honestly don't know where to go from here.

I want to start by saying I do not expect or want pity. I'm 100% in the wrong and I literally need to dedicate the remainder of my life trying to atone for my actions and make amends. I'll start by saying I really struggle with mental health problems. I have standard depression/anxiety but I also am borderline and have schizoaffective disorder. I am and have been on a lot of medications to help manage my emotions and I go to group therapy daily along with having an individual therapist I see weekly. It is really important for me to stay on top of my mental health issues because if I am more passive in therapy or not open with my psychiatrist then I fall back into really horrible toxic behavior that I have tried to spend years putting behind me. Recently, I was taken off of a few medications because of the side effects but I swear I have not been the same person since then. I feel angry and irritable. I think the anger and anxiety are the two biggest issues that came up. Here is the horrible part. "Angry" is the biggest understatement; I have been straight up belligerent. My dad and I have been arguing a lot these past couple of months. He accused me of using again (I'm 18 months clean and sober) and it really drove a wedge between us. I do believe he overstepped a few times; he emailed my primary care doctor saying that he thinks I'm using and he also told me I need to take a series of drug tests if I want him to believe I'm still sober - just kind of annoying stuff like that. Looking back, it was not a huge deal at all. But for some reason in the moment, I took it as the ultimate insult and form of disrespect. I said awful awful things to him, including "I hope you lose your blood pressure medication and have a heart attack" and "thank god you'll be in hospice in just 10-15 years". I have been saying things that are just evil and I never thought I was capable of being like that. But in the moment it's like I can't control it; it's like I'm a bystander watching myself say these things. I don't know how to describe it. Sometimes I get so angry that I literally black out and will not be able to remember what I said until I look at the wreckage in my text history later on. All of this - and my father has received the brunt of it. I started a new antipsychotic, and since then I have really calmed down. But now I have to see all the pain I caused and the damage I've done. I have been crying and shaking every day. The guilt is tearing me up inside but I know I deserve it. If I feel bad for saying these things, I can only imagine how my dad must feel for receiving them. I'm sure it goes without saying that he isn't talking to me anymore, but he will reach out once it's clear that I'm stable again. I'm surprised he even plans on talking to me at all. I can't eat, I can barely sleep, and I'm just this nervous wreck all of the time now because I cannot live with myself knowing what I've done and how I've acted. I shouldn't have slacked off in therapy, I should've told my psychiatrist immediately when I felt something was off with me. I can't stop shaking right now. I highly doubt I will sleep tonight. I would say that I want to die right now but I know that is just incredibly selfish knowing it would just traumatize my father more. But I don't know what to do or where to go from here. The guilt is eating me alive. I would check myself in somewhere voluntarily, but I'm about to start a new job and I know it's really important to my dad that I don't lose this opportunity or start work late or miss work at all. All I can do now I guess is try to get a grip, but it's hard because I'm literally crying non stop. I'm crying so much that it is giving me migraines. I don't know, I guess I'm done rambling but I just hope someday I can make things right. I know this is selfish to say but I cannot continue to feel like this, although I know that I deserve every bit of hurt and pain I'm feeling right now.

I want to start by saying I do not expect or want pity. I'm 100% in the wrong and I literally need to dedicate the remainder of my life trying to atone for my actions and make amends. I'll start by saying I really struggle with mental health problems. I have standard depression/anxiety but I also am borderline and have schizoaffective disorder. I am and have been on a lot of medications to help manage my emotions and I go to group therapy daily along with having an individual therapist I see weekly. It is really important for me to stay on top of my mental health issues because if I am more passive in therapy or not open with my psychiatrist then I fall back into really horrible toxic behavior that I have tried to spend years putting behind me. Recently, I was taken off of a few medications because of the side effects but I swear I have not been the same person since then. I feel angry and irritable. I think the anger and anxiety are the two biggest issues that came up. Here is the horrible part. "Angry" is the biggest understatement; I have been straight up belligerent. My dad and I have been arguing a lot these past couple of months. He accused me of using again (I'm 18 months clean and sober) and it really drove a wedge between us. I do believe he overstepped a few times; he emailed my primary care doctor saying that he thinks I'm using and he also told me I need to take a series of drug tests if I want him to believe I'm still sober - just kind of annoying stuff like that. Looking back, it was not a huge deal at all. But for some reason in the moment, I took it as the ultimate insult and form of disrespect. I said awful awful things to him, including "I hope you lose your blood pressure medication and have a heart attack" and "thank god you'll be in hospice in just 10-15 years". I have been saying things that are just evil and I never thought I was capable of being like that. But in the moment it's like I can't control it; it's like I'm a bystander watching myself say these things. I don't know how to describe it. Sometimes I get so angry that I literally black out and will not be able to remember what I said until I look at the wreckage in my text history later on. All of this - and my father has received the brunt of it. I started a new antipsychotic, and since then I have really calmed down. But now I have to see all the pain I caused and the damage I've done. I have been crying and shaking every day. The guilt is tearing me up inside but I know I deserve it. If I feel bad for saying these things, I can only imagine how my dad must feel for receiving them. I'm sure it goes without saying that he isn't talking to me anymore, but he will reach out once it's clear that I'm stable again. I'm surprised he even plans on talking to me at all. I can't eat, I can barely sleep, and I'm just this nervous wreck all of the time now because I cannot live with myself knowing what I've done and how I've acted. I shouldn't have slacked off in therapy, I should've told my psychiatrist immediately when I felt something was off with me. I can't stop shaking right now. I highly doubt I will sleep tonight. I would say that I want to die right now but I know that is just incredibly selfish knowing it would just traumatize my father more. But I don't know what to do or where to go from here. The guilt is eating me alive. I would check myself in somewhere voluntarily, but I'm about to start a new job and I know it's really important to my dad that I don't lose this opportunity or start work late or miss work at all. All I can do now I guess is try to get a grip, but it's hard because I'm literally crying non stop. I'm crying so much that it is giving me migraines. I don't know, I guess I'm done rambling but I just hope someday I can make things right. I know this is selfish to say but I cannot continue to feel like this, although I know that I deserve every bit of hurt and pain I'm feeling right now.

I have absolutely not been doing well, especially these past two months. I honestly have never felt more emotionally unstable and fragile in my entire life. I cry every day and I'm often so angry. On top of that, I have been dealing with a lot of health issues like chronic fatigue and a current kidney infection. I feel like something is totally off in my energy and I have no idea how to fix it. I don't know if I have some kind of dark attachment that has clung onto me lately, but something is totally off with me and I'm struggling greatly. I really need help.