u/coldBulbasaur314

I was reading my records from a psych ward, and one of the things was an ethics consultation. It was a complete joke. Just platitudes about how forced medication shouldn't be taken lightly followed by saying it was okay to keep forcing me the daily injections that were hurting me without any consideration of my concerns or actual ethics of any kind. It didn't even consider that I might be having bad side effects or another reason for not wanting the medication, and it said something like "preserve autonomy by allowing things like picking what side the injection is in." I'm not and wasn't some toddler who just needs a little feeling of automony, I had serious concerns that they didn't even consider. And that recommendation only *increased* feelings of helplessness for me. The way they bulldozed over my concerns is nothing new, but the way they went out of their way to call it ethical makes me furious.

I'm feeling conflicted because I was at a psych ward that was among the "good" (meaning not blatantly abusive) facilities, but I recently found out they referred me to Provo Canyon and some other places that are known to be "bad" (in quotes because all the facilities are bad; what I mean here is "bad even by the standards of the TTI") facilities.

The things that facility directly did to me, though very harmful, were never anything I'd consider to be enough to put it in with the "bad" facilities, and yet I have a hard time believing that any facility that referred me to known torture camps could fit in with the "good" facilities. Especially when there was another kid there who *had* been to Provo and warned me about the conditions (in front of staff) and I explicitly asked not to be sent to Provo (I didn't want to be in a facility at all, but my attitude at the time was "if you MUST send me to a facility, at least don't send me to that one").

I know the categorization probably doesn't matter that much, since abuse (even that which doesn't legally qualify as such) is abuse, but to me the categorization of places as either "bad but not nearly as bad as it could be" or "clear torture camps" is an important distinction. Does anyone have any advice here, and has anyone had a similar experience?

Edited to Add: Luckily I got rejected from Provo, but in some ways that makes me doubt whether the place that referred me to it was "bad" even more. It *could've* easily landed me in a torture camp, but it didn't. I know the outcome isn't nearly all that matters, but I'm conflicted on whether it impacts the status here at all. I would certainly say that good intentions don't affect whether a TTI outcome was bad (and that sending the kid there was immoral), so logically the principle might apply the other way too. I feel like it shouldn't, but I'm not sure why, so any opinions on that would be appriciated.

Edit 2: For those saying they can't send me to Provo Canyon since it was shut down, that is (thankfully) true today but this happened in late 2021 or early 2022.

One of my places forced me on a medication that really messed with my ability to remember things. I can remember big things (at least some of them; I have no way of knowing if there's any big ones I forgot), but little things blur together or are forgotten entirely in a way that doesn't match normal forgetting. I still have issues from it: I have to write things down if I want to remember them, and sometimes I'll forget before I can finish writing it down even if I write (or type) it out immediately. I often forget details in books before I can even finish the page, and almost always if not always forget within 2 pages (and these aren't high-level books). I forget thoughts I want to hold onto within literal seconds sometimes.

But what sticks out the most is my memories of the time right after getting out of that facility: I remember the ride back home, but after that it's just blank. I have almost no memories of 4+ months of my life after getting out, and those that I do have are either only knowledge memories (with no "pictures" like normal memories have) or rarely remembered outside of specific circumstances. That really scares me, and I don't get why it only happened AFTER I left. It wasn't in line with my other memory problems, although I suspect it was caused by the same medication.

Has anyone else had something similar to any of this? How do you cope?

TW: mentions of eating disorders, weight, body image, food insecurity

I (probably, it's not officially diagnosed) have ARFID, and none of my facilities accomodated that. It was "eat what you're given or go hungry," and often I went hungry as a result. Often I got less than 1000 calories a day. Kids with certain other dietary restrictions got accomodations, but the accomodations were bad: the vegetarian meals were almost always the same thing, a salad or impossible burger, and some restrictions resulted in the thing being not included but nothing replacing it. I didn't know what ARFID was at the time, but the diagnosis existed and I feel like someone really should've noticed - especially since at least one of my facilities accepted people for eating disorders.

One of my places also sometimes had staff withhold the second of the two snacks we got a day as a punishment for not taking medications. It wasn't explicitly that, but what else could being told "you can have your snack after everyone else takes their meds since you won't take yours" followed by "you have early bedtime tonight, go to your room" before everyone else had gotten their meds be? Those two snacks were where I got the majority of my food. I also remember candy being used as a reward for doing well in school, and it being taken away as a punishment for something else once. Candy took on a different meaning while in there: it wasn't just a treat, or even a treat in addition to being extra food, it was just food to me. I barely even tasted it. Having it taken away was horrible in a way I can't quite describe. Similarly, I would sometimes agree to take my medication orally if I got an extra snack and it was treated as manipulation rather than a desperate attempt to get food. I had to take the meds without getting the food bribe before I could leave, and having to go even hungrier just to get out was horrible too.

At the same time, I was put on medication that caused massive weight gain and metabolism issues. I was even diagnosed as pre-diabetic in one of the places, and wasn't even told of that. I vaguely remember being told something like "you need to eat healthy," which was very condescending given that I literally couldn't and it was treated as me just being stubborn. Weight gain/appetite was treated as my only concern from the medication, which was ridiculous. Even in my first facility, back when I had faith in treatment, I knew better than to tell them the weight gain was bothering me since restrictions for people with eating disorders were so much more. My guess is that I said "the meds are hurting me" and they just assumed I meant via making me hungry (which was true but not nearly the biggest problem with the meds). In one place I lost 10 pounds from not eating and then gained it back from forced medication. I was in that place less than 2 months, and didn't find out about the weight loss and regain until I read my medical records years later.

I have body image issues and a feeling of food insecurity now. It's this really weird combination where I want to eat but don't want to eat much. I'm eating more than I usually did at the facilities and am now 50 pounds lighter, noticably underweight instead of overweight and fat as I was when eating less but overmedicated.

I made this post partially to vent/rant about my experience with food in facilities, but I was also wondering how others' experience with food in facilities was.

One of my facilities occasionally called codes over the Intercom (like Code Blue), and one of them was called "Dr Legs." It was for if someone was trying to escape and had a good chance at it, and possibly for if someone had already escaped. I looked it up and it seems this code isn't common - I couldn't find any information on it - so I was wondering if anyone here has been at a place with that code. It's kind of a random question, small for this sub, but trying to reasearch it it got me really curious.

One of my facilities told us that the state it was in was a Stand-Your-Ground state, meaning homeowners/landowners could legally shoot us if they saw us on their property. This facility was in a rural area and I think the property lines were right next to the road, so we'd have to walk on their property to get anywhere if we escaped. I don't know whether we were explicitly told we'd probably get shot if we managed to escape or if it was just implied through that statement. I was wondering if anyone else had their program tell them that or something similar, and if it's okay from a legal and ethical perspective (I know it's kind of messed up, but I'm not sure how much or whether it would affect anything legally).

I'm considering reporting one of my facilities for not sending me my complete records as HIPPA says they have to, but I'm not sure what the process is like or if it would be likely do do anything. Does anyone here have any insight into what it would be like? How long would it take to get a response, and is there a better method (that isn't re-requesting records, since that's already on my list to try)?

Those words really hurt. It makes it clear they think that 14-year-old me didn't matter, that she was completely incompetent, that she wasn't human. They deny it, but it's so clear that they think people don't matter until they turn 18 - and that any lasting harm they have from before then doesn't matter and/or is the fault of the person who was harmed. I didn't even need to be on medication, and the specific medication made no sense from the beginning. Even they acknowledged the latter. Yet they chose, over and over, to blindly trust the doctor who didn't take the big problems, including the very visible ones, with the medication seriously over me, the person who was experiencing the harm and who was *begging* them to get me off it. And they claim that since they told the doctor I was being harmed it's not their fault, despite them having made the final decision to keep me on the harmful medication as the doctor said to each time.

I'm the one who pays the price for what they did. Years later, I still have bad effects directly from it. Not to mention all the psychological effects from those direct effects and from their choices to treat those effects as not mattering. Yet even now they double down on what they did. They act like saying "we didn't know" or "I'm sorry" is enough. But their actions make it very clear that they DID know, and that they aren't truly sorry. I don't get how they can say they're sorry in the same breath as they defend what they did, and think both are genuine. Oh, and they repeated this with other medication too.

I was wondering what the food at Job Corps is like, and if you're allowed to bring outside food. Does it vary by location, and can those who are currently in the program give a few examples of what the food is and describe it (for example, plain rice vs rice with leaves in it and what kind of rice it is)? I'm asking because I (probably, it's not professionally diagnosed but given that I've gone hungry to dangerous levels before when I didn't have safe foods I'm pretty sure I have it) have ARFID and am not sure if the food would be something I could tolerate.

Does anyone know what the food at Job Corps (specifically the residential kind) is like and if that program makes accomodations for ARFID or has a setup that makes self-accomodations viable?

I got my medical records from a facility today, and all it contained was notes from the psychiatrist. Other places I got records from had notes in a lot of areas, and I know that staff filled out those "status every 15/20/whatever minutes" forms - so at minimum, my records aren't including those, and there may be other things filled out on me that weren't included too.

Is it legal for them to not send those forms when I requested all medical records from there? Is there a way to figure out exactly what notes were taken on me that weren't included in the record? What should I do?

After the facilities, it felt like time paused for me. Things that were supposed to be major events - like high school graduation - became mere footnotes, and it feels like I'm still 14-15 (the ages I was in facilities) but have been for years. It's hard to explain, but it's like my mind just doesn't register I'm an adult or that a significant amount of time has passed. My memories are like that too - like they happened only recently, and like I must prepare for the possibility that they could happen again at any time. I'm only a young adult, but I feel like an old person looking back on my life rather than looking forward to it. Has anyone else gone through this, and how do you stop it? Can you even stop it? Either way, how do you take back your life?

Edit: I've changed the flair to mention the TW, but now I can't have the vent/rant flair so I'd like to mention it here to make clear what this post mainly is (although as I said at the bottom I'm looking for advice too).

TW: mentions of body image issues, possibly anorexia. I'm mentioning things as I percieved them, so those with body image issues may find some of the descriptions triggering. If you're not sure whether you should read this, please don't - I don't want to accidentally trigger a relapse (or whatever it's called - sorry, I don't know the exact terminology) in anyone!

Edit: I can't figure out the spoiler tag, but the potential triggers start after this line.

>!I'm not formally diagnosed with ARFID, but I'm almost certain that I have it because I went hungry rather than eating unsafe foods even though I was desperate to eat. I was in multiple treatment facilities as a teen, at least one of which took kids for having eating disorders (so you'd think they would know about ARFID; this was recent enough that the diagnosis was out there). Not one of them made accomodations for ARFID or even seemed to consider that me rarely eating enough wasn't just me being stubborn.

I was also forced on antipsychotics that left me with extreme food noise and dramatically slowed my metabolism, so despite undereating I gained 30 pounds in 9 months and later 10 or more pounds in approximately 1 month. I was also bordering on pre-diabetic at one point. My medical records from one place even say that they thought forcing me on antipsychotics would help my appetite. But I already *had* an appetite; I was constantly hungry! It's hard to explain how hard it was, but the hunger and the way no one took it seriously really ate at me.

The way I was so desperate to eat really messed with my sense of food security: I have this deep sense that food may not always be there despite technically never having gone without food available, and I find myself wanting to eat while I can since food may not always be there. But I also fear being fat, and often find myself thinking I'm fat even though I'm underweight now; and I associate being hungry at all with danger. I also worry that I may become at risk of diabetes again - most of my safe foods are very sugary, and I have such a bad fear of needles and doctors in general that I don't know if I'd accept treatment for diabetes, so getting it could endanger my life way more than normal for the condition. This resulted in a really weird pattern where I'm similtaneously eating near-constantly and showing behavior bordering on Anorexia (Nervousa), where I avoid eating a lot and focus too much on my weight.!<

I was wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences, and if so how you found a way to get past them or at least manage them so you're as healthy as possible.

At facilities, I kept trusting the staff over and over, even once I knew from experience not to. It kept me there longer and was used to "justify" a lot of the harm done to me. Yet I didn't tell them everything - I didn't think they'd believe me if I tried to report harm from medication, so between that and how the meds I was forced and coerced on made it much harder to articulate things I didn't report most medication side effects. This contradiction - how I trusted doctors in some ways but not others - makes me feel so stupid. It got me the worst of both worlds, and it makes me feel like I'm largely at fault for the harm I went through.

I get that staff couldn't read my mind, but there were some patterns that I feel they could've and should've noticed. It's weird: I similtaneously want them to have noticed more and noticed less. Has anyone else dealt with contradictions like this, and how do you reconcile them? How do you seperate what you could've done better from what was practically uncontrollable on your part, and how do you acknowledge that your harm was real and not your fault while similtaneously acknowledging where staff largely couldn't have done better with the information they had but still caused preventable harm?

When I get very overstimulated, occasionally I completely lose my ability to voluntarily move my body. I can control my eyes with effort, and my reflexes and autonomous stims still work (which is why "paralyzed" is in quotes in the title), but I have no way of communicating, moving around, or doing anything else. Usually I'm rocking very hard during such episodes. I was wondering if anyone else experiences something like this, and if there's any way to make it end sooner. For me I don't know what makes it stop, just that eventually I can start making small movements with effort and then regain full control except for (usually) my ability to talk and/or walk, which I can go about recovering normally via practice and waiting for it to come back from there.

When I get very overstimulated, occasionally I completely lose my ability to voluntarily move my body. I can control my eyes with effort, and my reflexes and autonomous stims still work (which is why "paralyzed" is in quotes in the title), but I have no way of communicating, moving around, or doing anything else. Usually I'm rocking very hard during such episodes. I was wondering if anyone else experiences something like this, and if there's any way to make it end sooner. For me I don't know what makes it stop, just that eventually I can start making small movements with effort and then regain full control except for (usually) my ability to talk and/or walk, which I can go about recovering normally via practice and waiting for it to come back from there.

One time when I was being forcibly changed into scrubs at a facility, a staff commented "Shave that bush, girl!" (presumably about my pubic hair). It didn't seem like a big deal at the time - I knew it was a bit weird, but I barely registered it as inappropriate. Looking back, her saying that was absolutely uncalled for, especially when I couldn't have shaved down there due to it being a facility where razors weren't allowed (not that the comment would've been okay if I had been able to shave, but the way she said it when it wasn't even something in my control sticks out to me).

Although I know the comment was inappropriate, even now it doesn't really register as a big deal to me. Has anyone else had their priorities altered like this, where things that really shouldn't be brushed off just don't register as that important? It feels like my priorities are in "treatment facility mode" even now, years later. Is that normal, and is there a way to change that? Is it something that even should be changed? Does anyone have insight on exactly how serious that comment was (as in "bad but that staff should only be scolded/told not to do it again" vs "that staff should've been fired" vs "even going by the current laws, that staff should've been charged")? For those who have had similar experiences, what were they like (if you're comfortable sharing) and how do you manage them now?

I have some gaps in my memory, and I'm not sure whether they're repressed memories or "just" from the effects of being drugged into a stupor. Some of these gaps are where I have knowledge of major events happening but no "picture" memories of them and no memories of minor events, and some are where I have partial or full memories of major events but little to nothing of minor events. Has anyone else had this happen, and if so how did you figure out which thing caused the memory gaps?

It was in a psychiatric treatment facility. None of us had a choice in being there, and none of us had the power to change the overall conditions we were in. The staff rarely cared about bullying unless it got physical, and like you I was deeply affected by the snide comments, threats, and overall isolation. So I escaped the brunt of the bullying by joining in with the bullies when they stood outside your bedroom door and screamed to deliberately overwhelm you. I'm autistic too, so I knew exactly what sensory overload was like. I knew my actions hurt you, and I did them anyways.

I didn't want to do it, and I did it as a means to an end (getting allies and getting out quickly) rather than to hurt you. But that doesn't excuse it. You didn't choose to be there any more than I did, and boosting myself by hurting you wasn't okay. I hope you're doing better now, in a place that treats you well and around people who do the same. I'm not here to ask for forgiveness, but I hope you'll accept my apology.