u/conflictedanon30

Has anyone else interpreted this film as Simon basically being Jesus and ascending to godhood, whilst simultaneously ending the known universe and creating a new one?

So storytime. Me (30, trans woman) and my fiancé (37F) have been together a little more than 3 years. We've been engaged for 2 and living together for 2 and a half years. We used to be extremely physical with each other and sext constantly. We used to spend so much time discussing our fantasies together. We even met during a threesome, for reference. One day it just stopped, without any explanation. I know I'm at least a decent looking person too, because I used to do professional spicy videos with a big name studio.

Last year, I woke up in the middle of the night and my wife wasn't in the bedroom, which was weird because sleep is her best friend. Knowing this was odd, I got up to check on her and see if she was okay. I walked into our hallway bathroom and saw her sitting there texting on Snapchat at like 2am. I acted like I didn't notice that and we went back to bed. I waited for her to fall asleep and then I went to look at her phone. (Not cool I know, and I had never done it before, but I had to know)

On her phone, I found she had some sort of erotic Tumblr blog where she was engaging with a bunch of men in fantasies and she was writing some stories on her blog. Honestly I'm still shocked about what some of the stories were, but that's another story. She also was chatting up TONS of men on Snapchat. She was sexting, sharing videos, pictures, video chatting, and just engaging in such an extremely intense energy that she had NEVER shared with me. She even had pictures sent in a robe SHE bought ME as something cute to wear for her. I felt so betrayed. She told me she was gay. I'm so confused about this still. She was engaging in this behavior with quite a few men. I confronted her at this point about it. She claimed she had been doing it about a month but that she was never going to meet anyone in person. She then started deleting everything. So I only know what I saw and then what she has since told me, assuming she's being honest (which i don't). I still don't fully believe she wasn't sleeping with someone and lying about it. But the emotional cheating is already cheating enough. At this point we hadn't had sex for probably 9 months. And during this whole time leading up to this I'd been trying anything to get her to want me. I bought her toys. I bought lingerie to wear for her. Spent so much more time on my appearance than normal. I brought her breakfast and coffee in bed regularly. I treated her like royalty. She constantly claimed she just was too tired to have sex or that she was unpacking trauma and couldn't at the moment. So I was always patient. I never pressed her. I only asked every couple months, I tried to check in. I never made moves on her since she told me she was unpacking her trauma. I let her know I'd be there whenever she was ready. So this entire online thing was mind blowing to me. Clearly she was interested in sex A LOT, just not with me? I still don't understand why. The only thing that changed about me was I had stopped lifting weights because I was healing from an intense surgery.

I spent the whole day talking to her and crying. She claimed she was just mentally ill and going through a lot. She claimed I was smothering her with affection and I was too much and that she had needed a break from me. She claimed she still wants to be my wife and that none of this meant anything. She claimed she was still attracted to me. We even had sex later that night, which was stupid af of me, but I was/am just desperate to be loved. (I grew up in an abusive household, and in my adult life every partner up until her had been physically abusive of me as well, so im desperate for love)

She said she wanted to work on things and I said I did too. After all, I still love her despite the heartbreak. I've never felt love so strongly for anyone before as I did (still do?) with her. So in the year time between this incident and this post,, I've almost gone through suicide twice. Literally sat there with it pressed against my head and finger tight on the trigger. But I didn't, thankfully. But things really haven't gotten easier for me. I see her effort. She takes me on dates. She talks to me deeply about this incident when I'm having a hard time. She's taken my sick dog to the vet on her own dime. And other sweet stuff. But the sex life hasn't improved. We've I think had spicy play like once since then, and it was recent. But I discovered she was reading some kind of weird straight serial killer bondage erotic novel. So she only wanted to do amything with me, because her book turned her on. It had nothing to do with me. And last year I saw her reading similar stuff and mentioned that it hurt me to see her reading porn while I'm right her waiting for her to engage with me. I told her I'd not have a problem with it at all, or even the tumblr or snapchat if we had a healthy sex life and she had talked to me about it. So back then she agreed to stop with the porn books while we worked on things. Well clearly that didn't happen. And the one time she wanted to touch me was when her straight romance novel got her going.

So to me it's obvious she isnt attracted to me and doesn't want to be sexual with me. But she keeps reaffirming that she does. But still nothing changes. And I wait. I know I'm gonna be clowned on in here for not leaving, but I love her so much and desperately want things to work. I'm also in a new city, don't have any friends, don't make enough money to live on my own, am in debt and have bad credit. So I can't even leave when I have half of my brain telling me to. I'm trapped by my love but also my financial situation. I don't want to leave, but I do want to leave. Im being pulled in two different directions by myself every second of every day for the last year. I am absolutely conflicted. What do I do? Am I as stupid as I think i am for wanting to stay and fix things? Is this the biggest exercise in futility in all of human history? What would you do?

(Sorry if this post seems to jump around and be disjointed. I have a million thoughts and not enough time or focus to get them all down concisely)