u/denver_rose

What do you do for exercise?
I've had a gym membership for like 3 years and I never go. I tried one gym and it was busy but spacious, but the lights were WAY to bright to the point where I felt like I could pass out. I tried another gym closer to my house and it just feels way too small, too many people in such a small place.

I really like weight lifting because I can get into a really good focus (when not feeling perceived) BUT I HATE DELAYED ONSET MUSCLE SORENESS. I have high sensitivity so it feels like extreme ache. I can feel the exact muscle group, even how deep it is. Especially in my legs, when my back and arms are sore, I can deal with that.

I hate running. I was never into sports.

I hate social media because I follow a lot of old classmates and its like.. I know everything about them and yet I don't know how to socialize with them or even start a conversation.

This is so unnatural when you think about it from a social lens. Like for decades, if you wanted to know about somebody's accomplishments, trauma, hardships, interests, you'd actually have to talk to them often and slowly build knowledge about them over time.

And now you can know everything about anyone through social media without ever going beyond acquaintance!

This is so difficult as an autistic person. Its like I am always observing people from behind a pane of glass. I pay attention and remember things about people, and believe that maybe they are relatable, and yet socially i am not that important to them. And again if humans used to strike up conversations from curiosity and build intimacy over time, how are they supposed to do that when social media is basically already giving the information?

If your quiet or autistic, people might actually have to work to know you, and why would they want to do that if they can pick tens of other people who just share on social media!

And imagine if i started sharing without gaining sustained interaction, again i will feel like my pain or interest is for a one way audience!

Ive had no safe place to unmask my entire life.

My brother bullied me for my autistic traits and sensory needs.
My parents did not attune to who I am. They would get offended when I expressed what I liked or disliked. They didnt encourage relationships or friendships or independence because they basically put their trauma narratives onto me.

Peers my age never understood me. I was bullied by peers, liked but not included, told Im depressing even though I wasn't trying to be. I did attract autistic friends but they werent always good influences due to their trauma.

I wasn't diagnosed with autism until age 23, and I went to therapy for 13 years and got pathologized. Because of my family trauma and lack of belonging, and my melt downs, I was obviously labeled as borderline. Which just made me mask extremely harder, because emotional expression was all I had, and I was told to contain it, and analyze myself harder but also stop "ruminating" when I was actually trying to make sense of my reality.

I am almost 25 and I have a great career, I am on the pathway to becoming a neuroscience based clinical researcher. But I don't have any friends. I have had to be my own feeler, reality processor, witnesser and co-regulator for all my life. Im fucking exhausted man.

I think what has masked my autism for so long is that my autism is not one concept - its multiple concepts. I love learning about molecular and cellular biology, neuroscience, psychology, emotions, behavior, sociology, philosophy and therapy concepts and the integration of them all.

I feel like nobody saw my autism because its like I got a degree in neuroscience. So everyone just thought like Im a very intense student, and that socialization will come. But it hasnt really. And its not like I dont like people or people don't like me, its just that its hard for me to relate to people. Like I've done a lot of different things around my interests, worked with the elderly population, got a degree in neuroscience, did translational research, was a mental health worker in a psych ward. And because most people are just trying to get through their day and even deep thinkers get tired of talking about their work/research/school, it makes it hard to relate.

And its even been hard for therapists to understand me because I have all this integrated knowledge and they may be putting me in a few frameworks. And then what happens is that I learn that framework, and then try to explain it by using the technical language, which further makes them misunderstand me, because now I am analyzing the conversations and the therapy itself. Or like they always think im depressed because im always alone in my room thinking and learning, and again its like I am engaging with my special interest even if it seems weird 💀

I dont know. I just feel like the structure of my life hasn't been built around being social, but reflection and knowledge.

And its so isolating to live this way. Because its like yea, I can function, I can grow, I can make my special interest into a career (with multiple options). Not many people can say that. But its soooo isolating and nobody understands my loneliness because everyone is just like oh she is functional, intense, focused, motivated, etc.

I spent my entire life unmasked. I wasnt diagnosed with autism until i was 23. Nobody told me i was different, just that I must conform (and i didn't). Some autistic people say they social better when drunk, I literally never learned scripts to even do so. I never learned how to social properly, just had to observe it and learn from being on the outside. I didnt even realize I was alien, thats how hard I tried to socialize. I tried so hard to socialize like everyone else. All it got me was the ability to function, and people who tolerate or like me, but never choose me to be their friend. People who won't see a disability but will instead assume character flaws, lack of ability, pathology.

I have been chronically misunderstood and judged for who i am, what i do, what i value, what i say, what i like/dislike, how i perceive the world etc.
At school.
At work.
At home.
Even the peers i trusted didnt even understand me in the end.
In 13 years of therapy with 10 different clinicians.

Im 25 and it seems like there is no end to this.
Being chronically misunderstood without repair or update even when i articulate. Thousands of times.

All i learned after 13 years (ages 11-24) of therapy with 10 different clinicians

My reality will not be believed.

Feelings are meant to be contained, and expression gets me more pathologization and harm, being told to contain it more.

My trauma will be minimized and misinterpreted.

If i try to correct misinterpretations or invalidation, the therapist will double down, no repair.

All therapy felt like was confusing, like I was bringing trauma processing, just for it to re-routed, and then i had to process the session, and then the trauma and my feelings by myself.

That connection and my attachment to people are dangerous.

If i tell somebody how im struggling, they will just tell me to try harder before even understanding the root or cause of struggle.

My neurodivergence will not believed.

That nobody can really track me or understand my trauma and how it affects me (even when i tell directly).

That if I ask the therapist to clarity or what treatment would actually fit me, they give flattening answers.

That even healthy emotions, like grief, will be pathologized, judged, and told to contain.

Most therapists just want to talk and fit you into their models, they don't attune to learn about your unique experiences.

That even my abusers were defended in therapy.

Nobody can help me make sense of my feelings, i have to do it myself because everyone just misses the point im trying to discuss, feel, explore.

People will not update their assumptions or see my strengths/resilience or complexity.

That my secure attachment will be labeled as insecure.

The therapist will minimize and generalize your experiences and pain, might even compare their experience to yours.

None of them reliably could help me process healthy dynamics vs abusive dynamics in relationships.

That even professionals can flip out me, be inappropriate, and gaslit me just like my parents do.

Also im not saying therapy is bad. I even work in a psychiatric ward. Im saying is that i tried to get trauma informed care and explained my trauma FOR 13 YEARS WITH 10 DIFFERENT CLINICIANS and never received the care I knew was possible.

My reality will not be believed.

Feelings are meant to be contained, and expression gets me more pathologization and harm, being told to contain it more.

My trauma will be minimized and misinterpreted.

If i try to correct misinterpretations or invalidation, the therapist will double down, no repair.

All therapy felt like was confusing, like I was bringing trauma processing, just for it to re-routed, and then i had to process the session, and then the trauma and my feelings by myself.

That connection and my attachment to people are dangerous.

If i tell somebody how im struggling, they will just tell me to try harder before even understanding the root or cause of struggle.

My neurodivergence will not believed.

That nobody can really track me or understand my trauma and how it affects me (even when i tell directly).

That if I ask the therapist to clarity or what treatment would actually fit me, they give flattening answers.

That even healthy emotions, like grief, will be pathologized, judged, and told to contain.

Most therapists just want to talk and fit you into their models, they don't attune to learn about your unique experiences.

That even my abusers were defended in therapy.

Nobody can help me make sense of my feelings, i have to do it myself because everyone just misses the point im trying to discuss, feel, explore.

People will not update their assumptions or see my strengths/resilience or complexity.

That my secure attachment will be labeled as insecure.

That even professionals can flip out me, be inappropriate, and gaslit me just like my parents do.