u/denver_rose

Uh im autistic and before i knew I had ocd, I didn't know thoughts could be intrusive besides like ones that are completely irrational or ones that are extremely against my values. I have like a continus monologue and hyperphantasia so I thought like my ruminations around not wanting to harm people, perfectionism, my identity/sexuality, work, conversations, trauma was all me reflecting. And i thought being mindful and noticing your thoughts was like just letting them continuously expand 💀 like therapists have told me like I do ruminate, but i thought like it didnt matter if it didnt bring me immediate extreme emotional distress.

I was not believed about being autistic and adhd while doing years of therapy. No matter what I did, they viewed me from pathology. If I had a meltdown, and they couldnt calm me down, they would give me more and more instruction, sometimes even yelling at me, instead of giving me space. Then they'd tell me I was borderline for the way I reacted. I'd completely exhaust myself in burnout, and they'd say i am depressed and try harder. No matter what therapist or who I turned to, I felt misunderstood and unsafe.

I have learned about neuroscience (got a bachelors degree in it), trauma, neurodivergence, cbt, dbt, act, mentalization, emotional regulation, communication styles, dsm, polyvagal theory, socialization, cognitive science, IFS, philosophy, sociology, pharmacology, clinical techniques, attachment theory, etc. Part special interest, part curiosity, but mostly it was driven by trying to understand reality, what was wrong with me, and why I felt unsafe my entire life.

In autistic. Nobody believed me until i sought out a proper diagnosis. I told therapists that i was struggling with trauma, and when I tried to communicate how my nervous system actually trusts people, they just doubled down. Told me my needs are too much. Referred me out. Used indirect communication instead of being direct. Doubled down on pathology. Explained further even when I told them i needed less explaining. Told me i am just difficult. I was in therapy for 14 years, seen like 15 clinicians. Only the psych intern with 3 degrees understood me. The only one who to ask me who I am instead of assuming I didn't know.

But can you believe that. Every time there was a rupture and i communicated, the therapist never updated or repaired, i just kept studying what I should do better. Every. Single. Time. When i stopped fawning, they labeled me borderline.

I have autism and i was undiagnosed until last year.
I was in therapy for 14 years.
Out of 13 clinicians, nobody really respected my processing differences besides the psych intern.
I spent so long searching for somebody to trust,
but that is an experience that I unfortunately don't think I will find therapy.
No matter what I said and did, they told me im pathological. Like 5 clinicians told me i wasn't autistic but I sought out proper testing.
I have learned over 100 therapy concepts.
I have a degree in neuroscience.
I have worked in a psych ward for 3 years.

Today,
I realized I am enough.
My entire life I have been confused,
and I am done searching for external clarity.
I know who I am and what I need.
I am done with therapy.
I am going to find people who understand and accept me for who I am. I am giving up this war of searching for external validation when I already validate myself.

I am writing this just to journal,
and to show you like its okay to have some confidence.

I have autism and i was undiagnosed until last year.
I was in therapy for 14 years.
Out of 13 clinicians, nobody really respected my processing differences besides the psych intern.
I spent so long searching for somebody to trust,
but that is an experience that I unfortunately don't think I will find therapy.
No matter what I said and did, they told me im pathological. Like 5 clinicians told me i wasn't autistic but I sought out proper testing.
I have learned over 100 therapy concepts.
I have a degree in neuroscience.
I have worked in a psych ward for 3 years.

Today,
I realized I am enough.
My entire life I have been confused,
and I am done searching for external clarity.
I know who I am and what I need.
I am done with therapy.
I am going to find people who understand and accept me for who I am. I am giving up this war of searching for external validation when I already validate myself.

I am writing this just to journal,
and to show you like its okay to have some confidence.

The world is so confusing as autistic person. I was undiagnosed for 23 years.

My parents never helped me make sense of my reality, emotions or autism.
Socialization never made any sense to me. Growing up everyone would tell me different things about it
Therapists didnt help me make sense of reality, didnt even really ask me about besides pathology. Didnt listen to me when I tried to explain my brain and how i trust. When I tried to make sense of reality, i was too i was being too existential.
When i started reflecting on my own reality, i was told i was overthinking and obessed.
Asking questions is the only way to get clarity but if you ask too many questions people will assume your naive or complaining.
If you ask professors for clarification, they say you should already know.
You see other people asking questions, and yet its like youre not allowed to.
If you observe, it doesnt make sense. If you trust your own instincts and do something different, you're told your wrong, even when you may be right.

Imagine your environment only modeled indirect communication.
So people misunderstand you.
But youre afraid to speak directly because that didnt get what you need either.
And also its like when people do speak directly, you dont trust it

I am constantly confused.

Therapy felt like chronic invalidation

I was in therapy for 14 years.
Nobody really took my abuse seriously.
I'd tell them about it and then its like one ear out the other.

I got diagnosed with autism last year.
So imagine having processing differences and communication struggles because nobody ever taught or modeled how to share your needs directly.
So when the therapists asked me what I needed, they took it as me being restraint.

I felt like my emotions could not even exist in therapy.
Like they never gave me any room to breathe and explore.
I went to 13 different therapists,
and no matter what I said or did,
Its like they never did what I knew would feel safe for me.

Imagine therapists explaining safety, like polyvagal theory, breathing techniques, regulation techniques, and you don't even trust them.
And you didn't recognize it because you had no concept of trust and vulnerability over time.
I trust when people slow down, not by credentials, explanations, instructions, frameworks.

I really don't trust anybody.
Not even myself.
You can compliment me or believe me,
And I will doubt and analyze that too.
How am i supposed to believe in my own feelings,
and that somebody believes and validates me,
when that was rare?

It felt like such a set up.
Imagine being autistic and traumatized.
You have no concept of trusting people.
And then you to professionals and theyre like,
I want to help you but you have to tell me everything up front.
And you do.
Because that was the instruction.
But it didnt bring you safety.
And then you keep trying and trying because again, you're trying to follow their instructions.

Imagine telling therapists that you need them to slow down so you can actually feel your emotions, and then just never stop talking.

I'd go home and analyze every rupture and then go back. The same way I coped with my childhood.
Because all they did was teach me how to regulate and take perspectives. When I tried to communicate my needs, nothing ever changed.

I was in therapy for 14 years.
Nobody really took my abuse seriously.
I'd tell them about it and then its like one ear out the other.

I got diagnosed with autism last year.
So imagine having processing differences and communication struggles because nobody ever taught or modeled how to share your needs directly.
So when the therapists asked me what I needed, they took it as me being restraint.

I felt like my emotions could not even exist in therapy.
Like they never gave me any room to breathe and explore.
I went to 13 different therapists,
and no matter what I said or did,
Its like they never did what I knew would feel safe for me.

Imagine therapists explaining safety, like polyvagal theory, breathing techniques, regulation techniques, and you don't even trust them.
And you didn't recognize it because you had no concept of trust and vulnerability over time.
I trust when people slow down, not by credentials, explanations, instructions, frameworks.

I really don't trust anybody.
Not even myself.
You can compliment me or believe me,
And I will doubt and analyze that too.
How am i supposed to believe in my own feelings,
and that somebody believes and validates me,
when that was rare?

It felt like such a set up.
Imagine being autistic and traumatized.
You have no concept of trusting people.
And then you to professionals and theyre like,
I want to help you but you have to tell me everything up front.
And you do.
Because that was the instruction.
But it didnt bring you safety.
And then you keep trying and trying because again, you're trying to follow their instructions.

Imagine telling therapists that you need them to slow down so you can actually feel your emotions, and then just never stop talking.

I'd go home and analyze every rupture and then go back. The same way I coped with my childhood.
Because all they did was teach me how to regulate and take perspectives. When I tried to communicate my needs, nothing ever changed.

Imagine constantly questioning and changing your communication when its the therapists job to slow down and attune to you. How can you repair rupture when you cant even agree on what you need.

I tried another therapist.
I told her I need her to ask me questions about myself and space to feel in order to trust.
She told me that comes AFTER i trust her.

I went to therapy to help me make sense of reality.
In college, i basically was in charge of doing my own clinical trial without experience.
Instead of the therapist asking me why i was overwhelmed, instead of validating that at 21 I had way too much responsibility,
I was only asked about pathology and told to regulate better.

Many therapists assumes that if the therapist gives you concepts and explanations, as in insight and psychoeducation, then you will feel safe.

That is not how my nervous system feels safe!
If you explain to me what I know I already know, I will start dissociating.
I have deep emotional neglect and epistemic injustice wounds!

I have tried to convey this to 13 therapists during 14 years of therapy,
and none of them listened.
All I got were more frameworks, explanations, metaphors, skills.

But what about emotional validation, curiosity, pausing, having room to feel and an increased understanding of me and my trauma over time?

I am autistic, and I do not trust people from social status or explanation. I trust by observing who they are, how they respond, etc. I often feel dissociated and disconnected when people are explaining things I already know. 

All I wanted was for somebody to hold space for my processing and emotions, and understand me!
That is how I feel safe!
14 years didn't make me feel that way!

My take away:
Noticing does not guarantee feeling
when you rush past it, 
some people can only feel emotion when explanations cease.

I've kind of been going on a healing journey, and so I just wanted to share something.

Pay attention to what you like more.
I know that seems obvious, but really its harder to do in practice. I think when life is hard, sometimes all we think about is the effort or what is unpleasant and it pulls our attention away from what is pleasant.

For instance.
I did a pedicure yesterday.
I really hate getting my feet touched.
I am extremely sensitive and ticklish and im not going to lie, it made me uncomfortable and i did have to tense my eyes and jaw just to tolerate it.
But I tried to pay attention to what i did like, the music, getting my legs massaged.

Or like the other day, I got my hair cut.
And to my surprise I almost fell asleep during the blow dry despite hating how hot it was lol

I think its important to remember what was pleasant for us, because again its like if youre just focused on what is unpleasant, then it feels like youre entire life is uncomfortable. And again, a lot of things are uncomfortable, but some pleasures are worth it.

Just so you know im autistic so it doesnt help lol

Im almost 25 and i feel like theres some things i really do but also some things i really dont know about myself. Like I know the depths of my soul and mind, but its like I can't tell you my favorite food or color.

Growing up, I wasnt allowed to have an opinion.
I wasnt even allowed to say "i like this food, more than this food" because my mom would be like "stop being ungrateful." My dad sometimes cooks extremely well but to me it all kind of tastes the same. I have to practice being mindful to really find out the different flavors of what i like or don't like. Which is like crazy considering im autistic.

And then another thing that I am exploring with is colors. Like I used to love color pink as a kid but then i didnt really associate with being girly so i stopped. And now im learning I still like a lot of pastel colors.

Or like I used to think like oh, i wasnt attracted to men. But i am attracted to men, its just not really what society thinks you should like, and im more demisexual, so I downplayed it.

So its like in my head ive always known, and yet I downplay it. And same goes for a lot of things. Like I was getting rid of clothes, and i was like "uhh i dont know what to get rid of." Then I started to go through them, and I was like wait.. I do know what i actually like versus tolerate. And I think this comes from my parents constantly saying "youre so picky" instead of being curious about what i did like. Its like overtime you just stop paying attention to your preferences because everyone always told you stop being so picky.

Or what makes me energized. Like I can tell you my special interests make me energized, teaching, but not much else. All i know is that i am tired a lot but sometimes not. And every time I expressed I told people Im drained, i just got told "how can you be tired? Youre so young. Youre depressed"

And I dont know.
These are such small things but its like..
theres some things I really don't know about myself. 💀

I had hair basically right above my butt. I asked for 3 inches off. My hair is above chest level and is up to my bra strap in the back. LIKE THATS NOT 3 inches?? :( it took me 3 years to grow it from chest level to above butt level. And i know its not the end of the world but wtf! She took off 7 inches!

I still didnt ask for some much to be cut off. Ugh i hate unexpected changes. Because again if i knew it was gonna look this short i would've cut my hair even shorter. I either like it short or really long

I thought it was a metaphor, a logical fallacy, like when people say "world peace."
Or like I knew consciously that being at a quiet beach is peaceful, but I don't think I ever fully relaxed with it.

I went to therapy for 13 years and learned polyvagal theory in therapy but nobody ever pointed out that I haven't really experienced a lot of ventral vagal. Nobody helped me realize that i have been clenching in my stomach my entire life or my baseline was constant tension. No therapist told me I was monitoring myself too much, they just taught me how to do it even more.

I realized that I never experienced peace when a person who made me feel seen and safe died by suicide and his last were "may peace be with you"
And the pastor at his funeral was like "i don't know why you could've find peace in this life time"
And that made me think.. wait..
people actually feel peace?

What a thing and way to realize alone at 24 years old.

I think what is so hard about emotionally neglectful parents is that I only knew "safety" during good times. Like i thought love was just liking to be around someone during good times. But I was wrong.

And I feel like people don't understand this, if this is all a child knows it really shapes their nervous system.
They may feel immediately connected to anybody who stays with them during hard times, anybody who notices who they truly are, or feel deeply connected people who they like around good times but may not actually be that emotionally safe.
.
For instance, a told a friend I loved him, but I don't think I ever did. I knew I didn't feel emotionally safe with him, I just liked being around him when life was good-moderate. But I said I loved him because thats all I knew, i thought liking and enjoying being with somebody meant love, but now I know that love to me actually requires emotional safety and trust 😭

Im autistic and my parents didnt really help me connect with others.

Like some of my family members i think could've related to me. My mother sabotaged it and pushed our family away with her emotional immaturity.
My parents thought it was normal for me to always be alone because thats just who i was.
They didnt think me unable to make friends was a big deal since my brother was literally starting fights with everybody.
My parents only praised me for being good.
My parents didnt help me understand my emotions or socialization, even when I went to them about it.
I often learned about things the hard way like being excluded, bullied, accidentally hurting my friends.
They put their fears about my independence above supporting my needs, like again they didnt even encourage me to have romantic relationships because of THEIR fears.

I also think its like if you're always in the "good" identity mode, if youre always listening, attuning, hiding your needs, then of course its going to be hard to connect with anybody. Its also like I have a time building understanding and trust over time in friendships, because that is literally a foreign concept to me. Its been all or nothing. Also trust and safety has been like something I convince myself cognitively of, so when I actually feel safe with somebody: its like omg i need them to know everything about me, or its like I never ever want to talk to them again.

Everyday I am reminded of my trauma and whats its done to me. Its not even like I cant find healthy relationships. I have learned through years of reflection and trial and error. But now im like feeling grief but also its like "safe" people are constant exposure therapy for me.

Im autistic and my parents didnt really help me connect with others.
Like some of my family members i think could've related to me. My mother sabotaged it and pushed our family away with her emotional immaturity.
My parents thought it was normal for me to always be alone because thats just who i was.
They didnt think me unable to make friends was a big deal since my brother was literally starting fights with everybody.
My parents only praised me for being good.
My parents didnt help me understand my emotions or socialization, even when I went to them about it.
I often learned about things the hard way like being excluded, bullied, accidentally hurting my friends.
They put their fears about my independence above supporting my needs, like again they didnt even encourage me to have romantic relationships because of THEIR fears.

I also think its like if you're always in the "good" identity mode, if youre always listening, attuning, hiding your needs, then of course its going to be hard to connect with anybody. Its also like I have a time building understanding and trust over time in friendships, because that is literally a foreign concept to me. Its been all or nothing. Also trust and safety has been like something I convince myself cognitively of, so when I actually feel safe with somebody: its like omg i need them to know everything about me, or its like I never ever want to talk to them again.

Everyday I am reminded of my trauma and whats its done to me. Its not even like I cant find healthy relationships. I have learned through years of reflection and trial and error. But now im like feeling grief but also its like "safe" people are constant exposure therapy for me.

It just sucks. I have cptsd, autism, adhd and depression, and anxiety.
I have been to therapy for 13 years.
I have seen like 10 clinicians.
I have done dbt & act & cbt.

I have brought my trauma, experiences, feelings, etc I have learned the frameworks.
And I STILL HAVENT FELT SAFE AND UNDERSTOOD IN THERAPY. I still feel like ive had to do most of the trauma processing on my own.
I know what its like to feel understood and safe because one psych intern did make me feel that.

I keep going to therapists and its not working.
They have no idea what to do with me.

I already know all of the dbt & act skills and implement them daily. My mind is literally non stop dialectical thinking.
They say EMDR wont help me with the level of repeated trauma I have.
They say AEDP isnt good for autistic clients.
I keep trying to get with IFS & sensiomotor therapists and they say I dont fit their needs.

Its like..
All i want is for somebody to help me co-process my trauma so i can feel it, integrate it, and help me heal from my disorganized attachment. WHY IS THAT SO HARD?

Im literally dissociating as im writing this.
My nervous system is having extreme anxious and also avoidance to safety and it is becoming a real persistent issue.

And i hate how these therapist have little training and put it in their bios anyways.
During this consult, she was like "i do aedp, but i wonder if narm would work better for you"
well thats why we are having this consult because you put narm on your bio?
And she was like "well.. i only have a little training in it"
💀 like if youre not comfortable with the modality you listed, why list it?!

It just sucks. I have cptsd, autism, adhd and depression, and anxiety.
I have been to therapy for 13 years.
I have seen like 10 clinicians.
I have done dbt & act & cbt.

I have brought my trauma, experiences, feelings, etc I have learned the frameworks.
And I STILL HAVENT FELT SAFE AND UNDERSTOOD IN THERAPY. I still feel like ive had to do most of the trauma processing on my own.
I know what its like to feel understood and safe because one psych intern did make me feel that.

I keep going to therapists and its not working.
They have no idea what to do with me.

I already know all of the dbt & act skills and implement them daily.
They say EMDR wont help me with the level of repeated trauma I have.
They say AEDP isnt good for autistic clients.
I keep trying to get with IFS & sensiomotor therapists and they say I dont fit their needs.

Its like..
All i want is for somebody to help me co-process my trauma so i can feel it, integrate it, and help me heal from my disorganized attachment. WHY IS THAT SO HARD?

Im literally dissociating as im writing this because its like ALL I WANTED WAS TRAUMA INFORMED THERAPY AND I STILL HAVENT FOUND IT??

Im almost 25 and I just realized I really dont have experience with planning to hang out with somebody. Like theres a friend who we've been saying for 6 months now we should meet. I am finally taking the hint that she is expecting me to make the plans (she is a grieving mother, its a complex situation). We should just meet for lunch but picking a place is an extremely anxiety inducing decision because my mind is thinking about my autism, my driving anxiety, my food allergies, what if i pick a place and its awkward.

I realize I have seriously never have gotten this experience of choosing a resturant or somewhere to meet somebody.
My parents knew how uncomfortable it is for me to make choices so they never pushed me. They just said "do you want x or y place" or made the decision.
I didnt have any friends growing up.
My only friend made all the plans because he understood my autism and he was autistic and he truly didnt mind.

Is anybody surprised by like how little they have experienced normal things? Im not pitying myself im just like wow, this seemingly normal thing is making me feel incredibly anxious 😭