u/efiterme

"I need help"

It's not a request; it's a realisation. Pain reminds you that you're hurt physically.

Physical pain might be caused and may affect an individual differently but emotionally? It burns you from inside. Slowly.

Some people hurt themselves physically to feel something. Not because they need attention but because this vegetative state of their minds rots into a cesspool; drowning them like quicksand.

"I need help"

It's a sign of life, a cry amidst dead and decaying matter. It's a desperate search of anchor. Like a bubble it begins; with a burst it dies. The bubble never makes it to the surface...

"I need help"

Sounds selfish to me. As I roam and witness the blood-curdling cries and see the path smeared in crimson-

Something dies inside me... I want to scream and shut my eyes.

I want to wake up but I can't. I try, and try, and try.

Then I give up.

I lay down next to a body. It's a little boy.

There's something strange about him, though his face appears to be lifeless yet his smile looks so alive...

I have this delusional belief that had I were born beautiful I wouldn't be depressed. My ugliness is the biggest source of my insecurities and it makes me want to hide in my room 24/7. I don't think I deserve to live for being ugly.

I’m so tired. Not just physically tired but soul tired. Bone tired. Every single day feels like an uphill battle that I don’t have the energy to fight anymore. I just want to close my eyes and not wake up. Not in a dramatic way I just want peace. I just want the constant noise in my head to stop. The endless cycle of disappointment and dread. I fantasize about just sleeping until it all goes away. No responsibilities no expectations no pain. Just quiet. It feels like the only escape.

For the past month i have had the feeling of wanting to cry but i just couldn’t seem to let it out , it wasn’t that bad so i just kept brushing it off , but today i woke up and it has gotten worse , i am starting to feel unwell because of it .
Its like having a stomachache but my stomach doesn’t hurt i just feel sick and my head feels weird.
I keep trying to cry but it i just can’t seem to get to the point where tears come out.
If anyone’s experienced this how did you deal with it.

I used to be a really happy kid with an overactive imagination and very passionate, etc. but then it was like trauma and awareness hit me with a brick and I got significantly depressed.

Im constantly having this feeling of extreme sadness that I can feel throughout my body, my throat, my chest my arms, I’m constantly tired. Death is constantly on my mind. The more worried I become, the more self aware I become, and the more understanding of society I get the worst it is. I’m clinically diagnosed with depression and I don’t even know how to describe what it’s like, like an unfathomable constant feeling of dispair. Sometimes life doesn’t even feel real to me or the idea that this is even occurring is so bizarre and doesn’t seem real.

I don’t know if I have something else and I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else but this has been on my mind a lot so I’m just ranting. I don’t know if I can keep doing this

Oddly enough...I think that's enough of a reason to live.

I’m not sure where I get these horrible waves of depression and anxiety from but it makes life feel so empty and unenjoyable. On top of that the anxiety is physical I shake horribly and feel like something terrible is gonna happen for no reason. Idk how to deal with it and I don’t even know what I would say if I talked to someone about it. All I know is it makes life miserable…

I (19F) went to the ER department at 12am the other day and told them my situation. I was severely depressed and suicidal because of news that I received that day and desperately needed some sort of psychiatric help. During my assessment, I told them I had cuts on me and that it was my first time being this suicidal. After waiting about 4 hours, I was just told to go home. I’m honestly wondering if they rejected me because I said I don’t have a specific plan to commit and haven’t attempted before. Getting rejected from the ER kinda makes me think that unless I attempted, they won’t help me. I don’t know what to do with myself now and I don’t know where else I can get help from other than therapy, which isn’t helping much at the moment. Ever since that day, I’ve just been self-isolating in my room, sleeping all day, and barely eating or drinking water.

I’m in Canada and I thought mental health services were a lot more accessible but even when I called the suicide hotline they didn’t answer and just blasted horrible music while I was put on hold and when they answered the second time, nothing they said was really that helpful.

Any help or advice would be appreciated thanks guys

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I was already embarrassed to tell him about how I was feeling. I felt very vulnerable opening up like that and telling him something so dark and personal. I thought I could confide in him, trust him with my feelings, and tell him anything. I mean he's my boyfriend of five years so I should be able to! I know he's not a therapist but I thought he could provide SOME emotional support. I was so very wrong.

"Stop that, that is what dumb children say, you're an adult"

Then he sent me a Facebook video that featured footage of people begging on the streets, people dumpster diving for food, and amputees working despite their disabilities. With captions like, "you're depressed? you're complaining about your life?"

I was so humiliated and felt terrible! So I unsent the messages. He replied "And why did you delete those? See? You're a baby"

Maybe he just didn't know what else to say, but god I'm so humiliated! I will never open up to anyone in my life ever again! Even posting this anonymously is scary and embarrassing. I will probably delete it later.

i tried opening up to my best friend about how i have been feeling and was just ignored. i tried opening up to my brother and he said i shouldnt feel depressed because my life could be worse. i tried opening up to my mom and she told me i was being too sensitive.

genuinely, are there people who actually care? i've tried so hard to reach out to the people close in my life but no one cares.

Look, I would never kill myself, but that doesn't stop me from wishing it upon myself. Every time I get into my car, I pray that I crash. Every time I cross a street, I hope a car hits me. Every night I go to bed, I wish that I don't wake up. But I always wake up, I look both ways when crossing the street, and I always wear my seatbelt. I don't really know what is the point of these thoughts, knowing that I would never do anything (at least while sober). Last time I got drunk, the first thought that came to mind was "I should kill myself" and landed myself in the hospital, and that's why I don't drink anymore cause ik for a fact if I do the same thing will happen. I guess my suicidal ideation is a very embedded part of me, but it only comes out when I'm not 100% there. ig what I am asking is, is this normal? And does it ever go away? Or will I be thinking about dying every minute of my life?

This line from The Princess Bride has been playing in my mind for some time.

In 2020 my partner, lover, friend and mentor was murdered. I really don't feel like anything is real anymore. It's like I died and I'm in hell. How long can a person live like this? It's not fair. Others get to have a life and joy, while my life is at a standstill. I look out through a hazy scrim of dissatisfaction, an insect splattered windshield.

Is there anyone out there who's come back from this? Will I be like this forever?

I'm going to sound pathetic, I know i am. Life has been hard like it has been for everyone, I'm 26 and my 22 year old long distance girlfriend left me, basically abandoned me for another person. I know we had been struggling and things were hard but I thought eventually with enough time we could fix it, I had told her I'd been feeling suicidal because I felt like a bum, I didn't have a job, since then about a week ago I got a job in HVAC, the money is good and the benefits are great but going on to my second week now without her it feels pointless, I hate this job and I hate myself, I hate how bad it hurts me, she is from England I'm American and I hate how bad it hurts me. I'm a grown man I'm 26 but all my life I've struggled with social issues and severe mental illness so dating in person when I did was really hard for me, meeting people online makes it easier for me because it allows me to get a feel for someone before I meet them and my last relationship I flew out to her many times. I'm rambling but I'm saying all this through tears, I hate this job, I hate my life, I hate how my youth feels over I hate myself, I hate who I am, I hate that I breathe, I hate how pathetic I am that this girl I've never even met could hurt me so bad, it's 6:20 I leave for work at 7:15 and I'm dreading this day, I'm dreading this life, I just want to crawl into a ball and weep. I've never been strong enough for this, I've never been able to not be a pussy, things hurt me so bad, they hurt everyone I'm not under the illusion that nobody else is hurting, I know people feel way worse than me but how can they handle it, I can't, I've never been strong enough to handle my pain I've always let it swallow me because I csnt just lock in, I cant just do what needs to be done, every bit of pain I feel today is going to be amplified by physical pain. I sincerely want to be dead. I've said it before to be dramatic but I really don't want to draw breathe anymore, I've suffered long enough when will end, when will I have my light I've worked towards forever, when will it end,

I’ve posted before about my mental health, but things have become considerably worse recently. I’m mainly posting because I need to hear from people who’ve actually been somewhere remotely similar and found something that genuinely helped.

I’m 36. About 10 months ago my relationship of nine years broke down. She was genuinely my best friend and the proverbial “one” for me. We constantly laughed together and I genuinely thought we’d spend our lives together.

At the same time, there were little bursts of what I experienced as narcissistic behaviour and compulsive lying throughout the relationship, rather than it suddenly appearing at the end. Over the years the balance became ridiculous. I ended up paying all the bills, buying all the food, doing basically all the housework and getting virtually no contribution, while somehow still being made to feel like I wasn’t doing enough. Despite working 80 hour weeks and living off about 4 hours sleep to get everything done.

Towards the end things became even more confusing. Someone who previously barely went anywhere suddenly started disappearing for hours, became secretive with her phone and wouldn’t tell me who she was with. If I questioned things that didn’t add up, I was controlling or abusive. If I didn’t question them, I felt like a fucking idiot for putting up with behaviour that clearly didn’t feel right.
I’m not pretending I was perfect. My mental health deteriorated badly and I became angry and frustrated at times. That’s part of what fucks with my head now — I can’t separate what was genuinely my fault, what was a reaction to years of what was happening, and what I should or shouldn’t have tolerated.

And it wasn’t even a clean breakup. For roughly the next six months I was repeatedly told it wasn’t necessarily over, that we were “working on ourselves” and we’d do something together “when the time is right.” I believed that. I spent about five months trying to better myself partly because I genuinely thought we were working towards another chance, only for her to ultimately end it anyway.

So although technically the relationship broke down around 10 months ago, I haven’t had 10 months of actually accepting that it was finished.

From the second I wake up it’s memories, guilt, regrets, conversations, things I should have done differently and endless what ifs.
It doesn’t fucking stop.

Recently even sleep has stopped being an escape. I’ve started having incredibly vivid nightmares involving the same memories, fears and regrets. I wake up sweating, heart racing and exhausted, and then the daytime rumination immediately starts again. I’ve also been having severe panic attacks.

A lot of the time now when I genuinely don’t want to be here because the intensity of being inside my own head feels unbearable. I don’t necessarily want to die — I desperately want this to fucking stop. But when it gets intense enough, that distinction can feel frighteningly small.

My basic self-care has basically disappeared as well. I barely eat, I don’t wash properly, I don’t look after myself and, if I’m being truthful, I just don’t care anymore. Things that should be automatic feel completely pointless. I can still force myself through work and the things I absolutely have to do, but when it comes to looking after myself I’ve basically stopped.

I’ve spent the last week trying to get professional help and somehow I’ve come away feeling even more hopeless.

I tried NHS Talking Therapies and was told I wasn’t eligible. When things got particularly bad I reached out for crisis support and, after explaining how severe things had become, some of the advice I came away with was essentially have a cup of tea and go for a walk.

I finally saw my GP, who didn’t seem to have any information from the other services, meaning I had to explain everything yet again.

I’ve taken antidepressants before, including sertraline, without them helping. I’ve now essentially been given sertraline again because it’s an easy thing for them to prescribe and sent on my way.

At the moment I don’t want to go down the medication route again. I’m also an HGV driver,

I need to work and I can’t afford to simply take weeks away from my job while trying to sort my head out.
Then there’s the loneliness.

I’m 36 and virtually everybody I know has wives, husbands, partners, children and families. They’ve built their lives while it feels like mine has disappeared.

I don’t have a proper support network. I don’t have a group of mates I can call when being alone with my own head becomes unbearable, and I don’t have meaningful support at work either. I work, come home and I’m basically left with my own thoughts again.

So rather than listing things I’ve considered and having people simply agree with them, I want to leave this completely open:

If you’ve genuinely been somewhere like this, what actually helped you?

What did you actually do that made a noticeable difference? How did you stop analysing the past every waking minute? How did you rebuild a life and support network in your 30s when everyone else seemed to already have theirs?

Most importantly, what turned the volume down when your own thoughts had become so relentless that you were exhausted from simply being conscious?
I’m not expecting Reddit to fix me. I just desperately need to hear from people who’ve actually been there and found something that genuinely helped.

Because right now every day I want to eat a shotgun shell

People don't understand how bad it is when you lose interest in the things you love. Losing interest is such a mild way to put it. I have the entire day to do anything I want, and all I want to do nothing. I did this yesterday and bedrotted and I felt worse for it. I even pushed myself to put on a movie and immediately zoned out. Opened my fave video games one after the other and closed them because I just don't have interest. The easiest forms of escape and fun seem like a chore. It's sad but the only thing that lights up my brain and passes the time is when I actually eat something - but even food doesn't have much flavor. I thought seeing a psych, getting meds and having weekly therapy would help but I'm still in this place. I hate it.

Because what is left? I have no family, no career, no partner, no children, no experiences, no degree. Nothing to even begin building off of. It's not even worth the fight anymore at this point. Even if I do overcome, what is left for me? Being stuck in an aging, sick, broken body? Sitting at a desk 5 days/week for the rest of my life? I'm fucking sick of it. If I weren't such a pussy I'd have off'd myself by now. I have nothing to fight for.

Surely this isn't a fantasy that is exclusive to me.