As a kid I was growing up in allignment with western culture but my father was always discouraging my behaviour and trying to make me more asian...
Then I got wrecked by western world and there is no asian community for me.
Father is the type of person who only hang around other asian boomers. Unlucky
Its so unfortunate that I feel so good when I am in danger. Something bad is going to happen, etc...
It feels good, it feels familiar. It feels like as if I was a fish out of water then I get to swim. I was made for it. But I realized it was hurting others and wouldnt take me anywhere... So I am trying to control it
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People live lives, easily influenced by things such as what our family values and believe, what society values and believe. But those things are deeply tainted. Our ancestors were hateful and ignorant. Yet people choose to value their roots, as if there is great value in it. Repeating hateful behaviour and mistakes from our parents and social circles. There is an illusion of safety.
Our own family carry values that can potentially destroy and ruin our lives. Yet many choose to defend their values. There appear to be a desire to belong no matter what, to mantain a delusion of safety and stability in our roots. Even in abusive, miserable families.
Its not a pure loving world, made of great people. Its a hostile, non-generous, stressful afflicted world that carries many elements of hatred and greed. But people choose to be part of the later. This is their karma, this is their choice. Their destination and their future suffering.
TLDR ; wr people are born among non-virtious humankind, and have a strong likelihood of following the same steps of their ancestors. Being hateful and bad people, they overlook the moral failure of the herd. And face karmic consequences in next lives. Rarely someone is reborn in heavens. The moral work is overlooked and replaced by a life of nourishing identity and ego, repeating mistakes of their own blood and social group. Followed by a sense of belonging and existing that safisfies one's ignorant heart, but leads to potential bad karma and affliction and suffering to other people and self in this life.
Lol.
They were just broken creatures too stubborn and proud to admit they shouldnt had children, too stubborn and proud to admit their guidance and parenting was shitty.
And even later in life they are still too stubborn and proud to admit they failed us. And then words gets twisted and this become love somehow
No wait, I am starting to get it, they thought emotional neglect was good because that is what their parents did to them. Lol /s
You know, that little child who ignored their own needs to please their parents... Who were silent and cause no trouble and were focused on their parents's needs.
Their brain see us as that small scared children.
That explains why my father acts as he does.
It made them feel so good. To have a scared children treating them as gods because we were dependent upon them. And they feel in love with that. Wanting more and more. From adults who hate their asses. Greed is ugly
Misery is my heritage
But I chose to change it little by little.
I see evil in those parents that were not able to give anything other than material things. They have miserable hearts. I dont see it when anyone says"they did their best". I see rejection and ill will. I see an enemy wishing me to struggle. Someone who expected me to solve everything on my own, to figure everything on my own, yet also wanted the trust, respect and power that they would deserve if they were actual parents.
Just people who didnt have the spirit of giving and loving and happened to have children, and who later felt interested in the idea of being adored as a parent. But that is not how things work.
They dehumanize us into mouths to feed and then expect to be loved and taken care of.