u/forthehope_

The world is already expensive right now, cost of living, groceries, gas, are all extremely high. What are some things you’ve done to adjust to your new take home pay and make sure you’re able to afford your life and still have some left over for your needs and wants? How did you reduce the financial stress of this change?

Also, do you think the amount people often pay for child support is fair and necessary (not out of annoyance alone, but do the numbers shake out to be an honest representation of what the kids and other parent need)?

I know everyone’s different, but when do you imitate the conversation of are you my boyfriend/girlfriend, are we in an official relationship? Who initiates it more in general, the man or woman?

I’m 20’s F been dating a 30’s M for about 4 months ish. I know we’re not talking to other people and we’ve been very clear about liking each other, but I’m not sure when or how we become official. It’s been so long since I’ve been in a relationship I don’t even remember how this all goes.

But the other day we were together and I can’t remember for the life of me what was said but he made a comment about “girlfriend,” not calling me his girlfriend directly, but some comment was made while we were being flirty and cute that made me pause, and I just looked at him and we kissed, but I didn’t ask if I’m his girlfriend or anything. We’ve taken things pretty slow this whole time, which I’ve enjoyed, I’m just not sure if I should wait for him to ask or say something, or if I should bring it up in a flirty way or ask directly, or what. It for some reason feels like such a big step, but I would like to be his girlfriend I think, it sounds exciting and would increase that intimate feeling between us.

I’ve had GHSV2 for a few years now but of course still have questions from time to time. I was doing some research tonight and came across this website with some general stats and thought it may be informative for a lot of people.

https://stdcenterny.com/herpes/chances-of-getting-herpes-from-infected-partner.html

Dating a guy with Scorpio moon. He is lovely. He has given me glimpses of his emotional depth, and I know he has struggled with it in his life. Very introspective, always asking very big questions in his mind that I think weigh him down, often he tells me he’s in a weird mood or feeling sad “for some reason.”

He’s very respectful to me and kind, he has never yelled or lashed out at me, it just hurts my heart when he says he’s feeling sad. I know he doesn’t get the best sleep with his work schedule and I think that affects any human and their mood, but I just want to know how to support him when he starts slipping into low moods. I have experienced depression before and it was one of the hardest things I went through, but these days I’ve done a lot of work on my mindset and healing and it’s helped me a lot. Of course I still had sad, emotional days too. I just have a tendency to want to “fix” but know sometimes I just need to support. I do think my mindset has helped him a little to not be as negative, but I’m not sure what gets him so sad, if there is a reason or just an energy that comes over him. Sometimes he starts to open up about it, but we’re still early in dating so he’ll say he’s in a weird mood and wants to watch what he says so he doesn’t put that on me. I admit it is heavy for me because I feel empathetically towards him, and people, but I also don’t want him to go through everything alone.

So Scorpio moons, what’s helpful for you either to self soothe or when a partner comforts you?

Does anyone know any really great therapists in town for the following issues?:

Self-esteem and confidence, relationships and sex issues, sorting through past mild trauma, helping me psychologically understand why I have certain habits and want to do about them instead of someone who’s just there to listen. I have a sciency brain I want to talk intellectually about things and learn the “why” and “how” of my thinking. The last therapist I went to a few years ago was more so just like “how’s your week going tell me what’s going on” and nodding a long more just letting me talk rather than connecting dots to help me see the larger picture and actually start healing.

(F28) I recently started dating a guy (36M) after I’ve been single for about 5 years. I’ve never been in a relationship longer than 1.5 years, and so I don’t feel like I’ve been able to work through a ton of relationship dynamics or issues. I tend to get resentful or upset over somewhat small things, because I have a hard time asking for what I want and need out of fear for hurting their feelings, or being disappointed if they won’t step up to do the thing I ask. And I don’t want to carry those habits into a new relationship, I want to be able to speak up kindly and give someone a chance to show up for me.

So I’m wondering how do I get used to having a man around, when I’ve become so comfortable and used to being on my own?

First issue:
Sleeping in the same bed.
I have a really hard time sleeping next to someone, especially since men are larger and take up more space. The snoring and noises are hard for me since I’m a light sleeper, and I get insanely hot already on my own and it’s 10x worse when my man is over. I love snuggling and I like being able to feel him, but I just sleep horribly, feel restless and anxious and I want to spread out but I can’t (right now I have a small-ish bed). So then I’m grouchy the next day and feel more upset. It makes me feel a little angry and resentful and I really do want to enjoy having him in my bed.

Second issue:
Helping in the kitchen or cleaning up after meals.
I don’t want to be someone’s personal chef. Even if I’m cooking and there’s nothing for you to help me with, an offer is nice, or even just hanging out with me and chatting to keep me company. Right now he will go sit in bed or on the couch and be on his phone, I don’t like it but I don’t know how to communicate it without coming across like I’m yelling at him like a mom, or being snippy or making a joke about it to kind of hide that I’m actually annoyed. Also, I’d like if he offered to help clean up after we eat, even though I know it’s my place and he maybe doesn’t know where I put everything. He does sort of help bring his plate to the sink sometimes but I feel like as a grown man he doesn’t seem to know how to properly clean up after a meal, or maybe he just feels out of place at my apartment. Again I feel myself getting resentful he doesn’t think to offer these things, but I’m also acknowledging it’s not fair for me to expect him to read my mind and I need to be better at saying something or asking.

Third issue:
Co-existing.
We don’t live together right now, and things are still early, but I don’t know how to just have someone around. Like, what do we even do? I’m used to us using our time together to go on dates, but it’s transitioning more into hanging around my place and I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like we need to be interacting and if he’s napping or on his phone I feel ignored or neglected but I also know the more I’m around someone, just co-existing would be a big part of our lives. To be fair I have felt this even with friendships growing up when I would have sleep overs, I’d always wake up first and just sit around forever wishing they would wake up so we could interact and feeling annoyed and frustrated they sleep so long, but feeling like it’s rude to wake them up. I’m really comfortable with my routine and being alone most of the time but I don’t want to be alone forever, so I know I need to learn how to live with someone around.

Fourth issue:
Sex.
We haven’t had sex yet, and it’s starting to stress me out and make me feel anxious and frustrated and resentful. We’ll get hot and heavy, I’ll have a waterfall between my legs, and then he’ll de-escalate or get too tired and start to fall asleep. I did express I had wanted to wait in the beginning because I struggle a bit emotionally with sex, but now I’m ready and I don’t know what’s on his mind or why we’re not proceeding. We did try once, but he was really exhausted that night and we had to stop after a couple minutes because he said he wasn’t able to get enough blood flow down there and he was just having a hard time staying awake. He felt bad about it and expressed a couple times after that he was in his head about it. I told him it was okay, and I didn’t want him to stress about it. So I don’t know if it’s performance anxiety, or exhaustion, or what, but I’m started to get really upset being left high and dry just wondering when we’re going to finally do it and if our sex life is going to be good. I already have a hard time feeling confident in bed and struggle to ask or say what I want, I really don’t want to make him feel bad if I ask why we haven’t had sex yet.

The positives:
He’s a really good guy and I know he likes me a lot and cares about me and how I feel and I know he wants me to speak up if I’m upset. He’s put a lot of effort into coming to see me, taking us on dates, we laugh and are cutesy with each other and he’s physically affectionate, we haven’t had an actual fight at all, he’s always caring and understanding when we talk about difficult things, he’s not genuinely mean to me and doesn’t yell at me. In a lot of ways he’s the best experience I’ve had with someone I’m dating or seeing. So I really want to work on relationship skills so I can embrace this new person into my life and learn how to speak up for what’s upsetting me and what I need, it just feels like I need a third party or therapist to talk to to understand what I’m going through and why I’m like this instead of putting it all on him. It feels like it wouldn’t be fair to have an outburst at him but I struggle with my delivery of trying to say what upsets me where it can come across as upset, a little sharp, or I go silent and can’t find the words and shut down.

TL;DR
How do I adjust to being in a relationship/having a man around as someone who’s been chronically single?

I’ve always struggled with sex and relationships in one way or another. I spent years thinking having with a guy if it started casually meant it would develop into something something deeper, and I learned the hard way that people (guys in my experience) can disconnect the act of sex from intimacy, respect, trust, authenticity, kindness. Often I would feel betrayed and naive, a lot of times that betrayal felt like it came from myself - that I didn’t see, that I didn’t know better or I did and still proceeded, that I ignored my gut or out myself in situations I shouldn’t have been. But my heart craved love and reciprocity and I wanted to explore the sexual side of myself.

I felt like I had an overactive libido and no one to share it with. I would post pictures anonymously on different sites and the chats guys would send me pulled something dark out of myself, I found myself allowing people access to parts of me I now regret giving away. Watched porn I wasn’t proud of, that piqued my interest in things I probably never would have known about or wanted without the exposure. Or I would get on tinder hoping to meet someone who’d stick around but just ended up adding to my body count. I haven’t been with the most guys ever but still more than what it would have been if I would have kept myself off tinder and been able to walk away when I wasn’t comfortable with someone. A lot of sexual experiences I had left me feeling unsatisfied physically and emotionally. I’ve been with roughly 15 guys over the last 10ish years, and the last 2-3 years I decided to be celibate, because I had some rough experiences.

These experiences left me shattered and broken. Just total heartbreak and betrayal, both from them and myself. For the first time ever I had zero interest masturbating, or having sex, if my body got horny and I masturbated I would cry after I came for months, maybe even over a year. I just felt so much pain and shame and like sex was this dark, unholy thing, and only the beautiful kind belonged to others, not me.

I took time to heal my relationship with myself, and in general I’m much happier today and comfortable with myself, comfortable being alone. But this year I decided I wanted to try dating again, and I’ve met an amazing guy I really like, who’s respected me more than anyone ever. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months now and haven’t gone all the way yet and haven’t done much sexually really. He arouses me, he turns me on, I like him outside of the bedroom and I love what I’ve experienced with him so far, and I want to have sex with him and I want it to be hot and I want to enjoy it. It’s just, I feel so disconnected to my vagina, and I worry I won’t be able to enjoy it or get off because there’s still so much emotional scar tissue I’m a little numb to it. It doesn’t help I’m insecure about my body too. I get horny and stuff but my overall libido feels dampened, which sucks because I want to share this part of me with him.

Any advice on how to navigate this ?

If you’ve been married before, you spent all the “firsts” with someone. Getting engaged, being a fiancé, planning a wedding, the vows and the religious/legal binding of two people, the reception, the newly wed photos, the honeymoon, and then the actual marriage, maybe kids.

So those of you who divorced and remarried, was it still special? Or did you not want to go through the hassle of the whole ceremony and things? Particularly to someone who hadn’t been married previously like you, so you’re their first for those things. And maybe it’s special to them or they still wanted to celebrate in the traditional manner.